Perhaps I just don't want to shake her off

[DeRetour]

I must be losing my own mind. I posted just minutes ago in Personal Inventory. And now I have to post up here yet again. I just can't seem to stop thinking about her. Perhaps I don't really want to shake her off. Yesterday, I changed my phone number to stop receiving texts from my ex. Knowing that this felt much like I was pulling the switch, I had to take a good long walk to deal with my emotions as they surfaced. It was really hard. When I got home, I saw that she left a book of poetry, a sentimental Polaroid photo, a drawing from her 6-year old niece, and a long, emotional letter that makes me cry for her.

I can't go back. I just feel so much pain for her. I feel so guilty for going NC. But for the same reason I can't be in a relationship with her, I can't have any contact with her. It's hard for me to think of anything else. I so badly want her to understand the situation. I have moments of anger, but I'm certainly not trying to hurt her. As she put it, she's just a scared girl. I so badly wanted to help her. I know I should be focusing on me. But I had to get this out.

deretour

[Learning_curve74]

I must be losing my own mind. I posted just minutes ago in Personal Inventory. And now I have to post up here yet again. I just can't seem to stop thinking about her. Perhaps I don't really want to shake her off. Yesterday, I changed my phone number to stop receiving texts from my ex. Knowing that this felt much like I was pulling the switch, I had to take a good long walk to deal with my emotions as they surfaced. It was really hard. When I got home, I saw that she left a book of poetry, a sentimental Polaroid photo, a drawing from her 6-year old niece, and a long, emotional letter that makes me cry for her.

I can't go back. I just feel so much pain for her. I feel so guilty for going NC. But for the same reason I can't be in a relationship with her, I can't have any contact with her. It's hard for me to think of anything else. I so badly want her to understand the situation. I have moments of anger, but I'm certainly not trying to hurt her. As she put it, she's just a scared girl. I so badly wanted to help her. I know I should be focusing on me. But I had to get this out.

Take a deep breath, DeRetour. It's hard, I know how you feel, I know the feeling of guilt like you feel like you're running away from a helpless little girl. I want to help my BPDex too, and although I've been NC 5 weeks now, part of me wishes we'd accidentally bump into each other just so I could tell her that she has a choice and that to believe she has no choice is denial. I'm pretty sure it'd be fruitless though, so that's why I try to get more detached from her. But it's hard, man, very hard. 

Remember to be truthful with yourself too. Just because you wish things could be different is not the same as not wanting to "shake her off". Be true to what you want and need instead of choosing denial. You just wrote that you can't have a relationship with her, right? She was mentally ill before you met her, and that is something you do not have the power to change any more than you can make the sun rise in the west.

Hang in there, DeRetour. No candy coating it, but it'll probably get worse before it starts to get better. You just gotta make it through the toughest bit, so hang in there. Keep posting to get it all out if you need to. Best wishes to you. 

[Clearmind]

Thinking and ruminating about my ex seemed far easier than facing my own 'demons'!

Fact is that is true in the short term however in the long term - ruminating about our ex's is addictive and feeds the "I'm not good enough" cycle. We need to be conscious and step out of that thinking.

[DeRetour]

Learningcurve,

Take a deep breath, DeRetour. It's hard, I know how you feel, I know the feeling of guilt like you feel like you're running away from a helpless little girl. I want to help my BPDex too, and although I've been NC 5 weeks now, part of me wishes we'd accidentally bump into each other just so I could tell her that she has a choice and that to believe she has no choice is denial. I'm pretty sure it'd be fruitless though, so that's why I try to get more detached from her. But it's hard, man, very hard.

You're at a similar place in the NC process, at least in terms of time. It's a hard place isn't it? Thanks for validating this feeling and identifying with it. I'm terribly sorry you are in the middle of it, yourself. I know you're right in this - it's important to get detached. Echh. Even the word makes my stomach turn. But, I know this is what I need. Perhaps its that I think of it as doing something to my ex. Perhaps I need to shift this focus right back to it being about doing for myself.

You just wrote that you can't have a relationship with her, right? She was mentally ill before you met her, and that is something you do not have the power to change any more than you can make the sun rise in the west.

And this is where remembering that her illness will not go away on its own. Its a major step that she is (apparently) taking a mood stabilizer. She does acknowledge that her parents were highly critical, even neglectful. She knows she had a traumatic event as a teen. And she knows that she struggles with extreme moodswings, is difficult to get along with, and has a tendency to lose people for good. Guess I didn't want to be one of those people. It really hurts that this is her reality.This is where I can see those holes in her education, childhood, and sense of self really show up. And it hurts to see. I know - this is illness and I can't make her do more than she's willing to accept.

Hang in there, DeRetour. No candy coating it, but it'll probably get worse before it starts to get better. You just gotta make it through the toughest bit, so hang in there. Keep posting to get it all out if you need to. Best wishes to you. 

I like remembering this, simply because I'm a believer in this - that things get worse before getting better. This is where I can remember to approach this as a challenge. Part of me is able to step back and take an observer's approach when adversity comes. I need to call on this part of me. Yes, it's important to be true to ourselves by not getting in caught up in denial.

Thank you for your support once again. And you stay strong as well, Learningcurve.

[DeRetour]

Thinking and ruminating about my ex seemed far easier than facing my own 'demons'!

Fact is that is true in the short term however in the long term - ruminating about our ex's is addictive and feeds the "I'm not good enough" cycle. We need to be conscious and step out of that thinking.

My god, I'm seeing this - just how addictive it really is. I suppose this has been going on all through the relationship. I have been looking at core issues of my own. So, I feel fortunate that I haven't lost this, just have had trouble keeping it bookmarked through recent events. Recent events = continued attempts to contact, but... .left physical "gifts" at my door (a poetry book, sentimental photo, her niece's hand-drawn picture, and a 4-page written letter that sounded really, really sad) + changing my number (essentially pulling the switch in my mind).

So now the trick here is getting back to myself. I started this and I shall continue. Lots of core stuff to work on here. Anyway... .


Thank you for your clarity, Clearmind. Take good care.

-deretour

[Ironmanrises]

I must be losing my own mind. I posted just minutes ago in Personal Inventory. And now I have to post up here yet again. I just can't seem to stop thinking about her. Perhaps I don't really want to shake her off. Yesterday, I changed my phone number to stop receiving texts from my ex. Knowing that this felt much like I was pulling the switch, I had to take a good long walk to deal with my emotions as they surfaced. It was really hard. When I got home, I saw that she left a book of poetry, a sentimental Polaroid photo, a drawing from her 6-year old niece, and a long, emotional letter that makes me cry for her.

I can't go back. I just feel so much pain for her. I feel so guilty for going NC. But for the same reason I can't be in a relationship with her, I can't have any contact with her. It's hard for me to think of anything else. I so badly want her to understand the situation. I have moments of anger, but I'm certainly not trying to hurt her. As she put it, she's just a scared girl. I so badly wanted to help her. I know I should be focusing on me. But I had to get this out.

deretour

In bold.

The simple realization of this is a big step.

You are moving forward... .you actually changed your number, another big step.

Healing will take time.

Lots of time.

There really is no way to shake it off.

I know it hurts.

Know your words are being heard.

Hang in there.

I am 2 months NC... .

I still remember my horrific last time with her as if it was yesterday.

[seeking balance]

DeRetour,

I think sometimes we focus on the ruminations, our issues, the disorder that we lose touch with this very, very simple fact - we did love them.  If we ended it or they ended it, it is still a death of a relationship and this is sad.  Coupled with the facts of BPD, which you have if you found this forum - if we go NC, we are knowingly walking away from an injured person that we cannot fix - I don't think this is easy for anyone.

So, maybe try accepting there will be times of intense sadness as you process this loss.  Don't stop working on your own inventory (I know you won't) - but sometimes it is ok to really just cry over the loss of our ex and the people and dreams we lose when we walk away.

,

SB

[myself]

I feel for you, DeRetour. My gf and I just split up again, probably for the final time. I told her that my feelings matter, that I will not take the blame for everything, that I was proud of what I'd done to help our relationship, and more. She had the choice to respond or not, to stay or not. She chose to leave and remain silent. BPD sucks.

It's best for me to not have these problems in my life, but sad that the woman I'm in love with can not be with me. I didn't want her to go, I wanted us to talk and work things out. It's frustrating that not only is she not speaking with me now, she's using my speaking up for myself, bringing certain (obvious) issues to light, and my being hurt by her actions, as reasons to stay away from me. Like I don't even matter.

It's hard to shake her off because deep inside I do love and care for her. I kept getting knocked off balance and hurt by her, and that's not acceptable in my life anymore. I can sit here and wish that things were better or I can stand up and make them better.

[Learning_curve74]

You're at a similar place in the NC process, at least in terms of time. It's a hard place isn't it? Thanks for validating this feeling and identifying with it. I'm terribly sorry you are in the middle of it, yourself. I know you're right in this - it's important to get detached. Echh. Even the word makes my stomach turn. But, I know this is what I need. Perhaps its that I think of it as doing something to my ex. Perhaps I need to shift this focus right back to it being about doing for myself.

I'm very blessed to have found this place, there are so many people here going through the same pain and that understand. You don't have to call it "detached", just that you are working on "self-healing". In one way, I do believe that I am doing the best thing for me and for my BPDex. I believe she has to hit absolute rock bottom before she attempts to help herself. As long as her dysfunctional behaviors let her continue to be a survivor, then she will continue them because they are what got her this far in life. I don't want to be a part of what keeps her just surviving, I loved her enough to want her to thrive. I also wanted to leave her before I grew to hate her, that would've been awful and I'm sure even more painful for her.

Its a major step that she is (apparently) taking a mood stabilizer. She does acknowledge that her parents were highly critical, even neglectful. She knows she had a traumatic event as a teen. And she knows that she struggles with extreme moodswings, is difficult to get along with, and has a tendency to lose people for good. Guess I didn't want to be one of those people. It really hurts that this is her reality.

Yes, my BPDex was high functioning and extremely self-aware. She knows she pushes people away and knew she was doing the same to me. But of course her BPD wouldn't let her handle her thoughts and feelings about our relationship in a non-disordered manner. Yes, she was severely hurt and damaged, but the reality is that I cannot do anything about it. A pwBPD is in denial about so much, and it doesn't help anybody if we join in on the denial, in fact it hurts more people.

Keep working, DeRetour. Use your will and tenacity to work on yourself. You can do this. 

[DeRetour]

Ironman, SB, Myself, and Learningcurve. Thank you all for your helpful words. I had another moment I guess.

Ironman,

We’re at about the same place post-breakup. You're at month 2, I’m at week 7. Shaking reminders of her off has been hard. However, I have no desire to take her back as my girlfriend.  Thanks for the words of support there. And stay strong! Get stronger with each week.

SB,

I think sometimes we focus on the ruminations, our issues, the disorder that we lose touch with this very, very simple fact - we did love them.

I know I’ve been focusing a lot on the ruminations. Some of it is that I have only recently come to the realization that she’s been occupying my headspace for almost every waking hour. That’s been a scary thing to come to. I’ve been good at maintaining NC since the breakup, however, it seems like this next step of changing my number (aka: “cutting the cord”) was especially difficult. I remember once during the relationship, leaving my phone at a restaurant. I was seriously close to having a panic attack thinking she had no way to reach me and talk with me that night! Absurd when I really think about it – quite unhealthy.

So, maybe try accepting there will be times of intense sadness as you process this loss.  Don't stop working on your own inventory (I know you won't) - but sometimes it is ok to really just cry over the loss of our ex and the people and dreams we lose when we walk away.

Thanks, SB. Yes, the personal inventory certainly continues. As difficult as it can be, it can also be quite satisfying. Always good to hear from you.

Myself,

It's hard to shake her off because deep inside I do love and care for her. I kept getting knocked off balance and hurt by her, and that's not acceptable in my life anymore.

Yes. So true. It comes right back to understanding that we can care for our BPD exes, but that doesn’t mean we are able to stay in a relationship with them. And I certainly stick with my guns in saying that I can never take mine back.

I can sit here and wish that things were better or I can stand up and make them better.

Well put, Myself. This is the approach. This is the stance I need to be taking in reclaiming my life as well.

and... .

LearningCurve,

You don't have to call it "detached", just that you are working on "self-healing". In one way, I do believe that I am doing the best thing for me and for my BPDex. I believe she has to hit absolute rock bottom before she attempts to help herself. As long as her dysfunctional behaviors let her continue to be a survivor, then she will continue them because they are what got her this far in life. I don't want to be a part of what keeps her just surviving, I loved her enough to want her to thrive. I also wanted to leave her before I grew to hate her, that would've been awful and I'm sure even more painful for her.

Haha, thanks for understanding my silly hang-up with the terminology. You know, it’s painful to realize this. And for my ex, it’s probably a similar thing. On the one hand, she’s compulsive about “wasting time”. Wasting time can mean, missing a commuter train and having to wait 6 more minutes. It can also mean having to walk a half block more because she missed her destination. She obsesses over “wasted” time and energy – that was frequently an antecedent to a moodswing, LOL. But I say this because I think she would have to be in a major, major crisis (as you put it about your ex, “hitting rock bottom”) in order to try and help herself. It took having (from what she’s texted me) serious depression to even get to a point where she’s taking a mood stabilizer. I digress, sorry, haha. This is a good thing to remember though. It’s a good reminder to not feel so guilty for not taking on her problems anymore. So, thank you for that, LC.

-deretour

[Phoenix.Rising]

I don't want to be a part of what keeps her just surviving, I loved her enough to want her to thrive. I also wanted to leave her before I grew to hate her, that would've been awful and I'm sure even more painful for her.

I appreciate these words and actions.  I feel in a similar way.  They do keep surviving by finding partners that enable their lifestyles.  I couldn't allow myself to get that entrenched.  I knew deep down it wasn't the right thing.  I would have done more to stay with her had she shown some effort or consistency to change her destructive patterns.  She didn't.  I really believe that the best thing for them in most cases is to hit rock bottom.  Without that, it is highly unlikely they will ever change.  Their denial is enormously deep.

Towards the end of my relationship, I was starting to hate my ex on some level, but it was more of hating her behavior and actions.  I don't hate her, as much as I feel like I want to at times.  The truth is that I loved her, and still do on some level, but I detested much of her behavior.  And, for me, that would have only gotten worse, I believe.  Because I know that she can do better, or at least I think she can.   

[Learning_curve74]

I know I’ve been focusing a lot on the ruminations. Some of it is that I have only recently come to the realization that she’s been occupying my headspace for almost every waking hour. That’s been a scary thing to come to. I’ve been good at maintaining NC since the breakup, however, it seems like this next step of changing my number (aka: “cutting the cord”) was especially difficult. I remember once during the relationship, leaving my phone at a restaurant. I was seriously close to having a panic attack thinking she had no way to reach me and talk with me that night! Absurd when I really think about it – quite unhealthy.

Yes! I felt the same about missing my BPDex's calls, hated to miss them. There was definitely an unhealthy amount of being so enmeshed on both her and my part. This is also why I understood strict NC was going to be so important after I broke up with her. I had to go cold turkey, all in. That's the way I am, I couldn't do it slowly.

In one way, I do believe that I am doing the best thing for me and for my BPDex. I believe she has to hit absolute rock bottom before she attempts to help herself. As long as her dysfunctional behaviors let her continue to be a survivor, then she will continue them because they are what got her this far in life. I don't want to be a part of what keeps her just surviving, I loved her enough to want her to thrive.

You know, it’s painful to realize this. And for my ex, it’s probably a similar thing. I say this because I think she would have to be in a major, major crisis (as you put it about your ex, “hitting rock bottom”) in order to try and help herself. It took having (from what she’s texted me) serious depression to even get to a point where she’s taking a mood stabilizer. This is a good thing to remember though. It’s a good reminder to not feel so guilty for not taking on her problems anymore.

Glad to see you are in a bit of a different headspace, DeRetour. Our exes problems are theirs to tackle, and truth be told we never had the power to fix them to begin with. If my ex ever goes back to therapy and tries again to live a more fulfilling life, then I will be very happy for her. But in the meantime, I'll just have to be happy for myself for trying my best in life.

[Walker9455]

A profoundly helpful thread for me - thank you all, mods and members for being here, and for maintaining this community.  I've made a great deal of progress detaching from my stb-exdBPDw, but will never be able to go NC with her - we have a 7yo son.  She's been doing fairly well since finally moving most of her belongings into her own place, but she is hitting some lows every now and then.  Maintaining my detachment is not easy, moving on socially and otherwise are posing some challenges.  I see myself coming here often, posting or not, for years to come.  Hopefully, with continued therapy, she will also thrive and we may continue to be on friendly terms, but there are some absolutely brutal moments, emotionally.  For our son, I will continue to make every effort to have her as part of his life.  I only hope she does not detach from him as she did me... .