A few years out of the FOG... Accepting that it wasn't really love

[findingmyselfagain]

My relationship ended so suddenly after the honeymoon, that I really didn't have a chance to recognize all of the unhealthy behaviors during r/s. I've heard from people who knew both of us while we were together. They confirmed her extreme past relationships and that they were surprised at how fast she fell for me and that she pretty much thought I was wonderful. She was my first serious r/s, engagement, and basically let me adopt her baby daughter, and stole my virginity. To say I was "head over heels" would be an understatement.

I've been spending time on myself, finding new interests, making friends, going out even when I didn't want to. I'm just now feeling a sense of freedom and peace I haven't felt since I don't know when. I've been reading books on healthy relationships and it just strikes me just how unhealthy our r/s was... .full of things that harm intimate relationshiops... .criticism, defensiveness (especially on my part) and just plain unnecessary drama (as far as a rational person could tell).

As much as I wanted to believe in the fairy tale, I accept now that it could never have been between us. Believing that it was or could be "true love" was one of my biggest hooks. True love produces dopamine, but dopamine doesn't always result from true/healthy love. Now that I know and accept that there was/is/will never be anything I could do to "bring the love back", I feel free. I've grown a lot through the process. I've had to let go of a difficult friendship. I'm learning to move slower while dating and I'm slowing believing in myself and in the human race again. I'm just not going to let "unhealthy" back into my life again if I can help it! Whew!

[Surnia]

Hi FMSA

Great! Sounds like you are really on the way and doing what your username is saying! 

Keep going! 

I've been spending time on myself, finding new interests, making friends, going out even when I didn't want to. I'm just now feeling a sense of freedom and peace I haven't felt since I don't know when. I've been reading books on healthy relationships and it just strikes me just how unhealthy our r/s was... .full of things that harm intimate relationshiops... .criticism, defensiveness (especially on my part) and just plain unnecessary drama (as far as a rational person could tell).

[guardianxiii]

It's nice to hear from those who have made it out the other side in one piece, a good reminder for the rest of us that it can be done 

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, keep doing you brother!

[GlennT]

"Believing that it was or could be "true love" was one of my biggest hooks. True love produces dopamine."

Excellent insight! But dopamine does not always produce true love. Honestly, in the beginning, looking at her was like a surge of dopamine to my limbic system. Pretty much dopamine and endorphins keeps our minds happy and positive. Her words, face,and  body made my brain make the connection between her and a surge of dopamine. Simple classic conditioning:

1. You don't see or hear from her. Withdrawal sets in.

2. You see or hear from her. Withdrawal ends, brain releases more dopamine. Repeat hundreds of times and your addicted like Pavlov's dog.

[bpdspell]

Finding myself,

I'm two years out and close to full detachment. I'm still working on my Family of Origin issues and getting closer to peace everyday.

With my BPD ex I don't see it as love as much as I see it as an obsession with trying to get someone who has never validated me to step up to the plate and make me feel worthwhile. I gave my ex way too much power and not only did I give him the ability to define my reality... .I accepted his definition.

The loved I shared with my ex matters very little to me now. What matters now is that I no longer seek his or anyone else's validation to feel whole.

Being in relationship with a borderline is like having a child with special needs... .so in essence how can we be fulfilled by that?

Good to read about others who have distance... .

Take care,

Spell

[Ironmanrises]

Finding,

How exactly did you come to the realization that it wasn't real love?

How did you know?

[findingmyselfagain]

Thanks, all! It is good to be finally finding myself!

Glenn,

I've been watching documentaries on emotions, the Secret, the chemistry of attraction, and I've seen related posts here. The gist of it is our brains are huge pharmacies pumping out chemicals in reaction to our emotions.

Bpdspell,

I recognize your username... .It's really a journey. I also feel more whole since like you, I have stronger boundaries because I love myself and don't need validation either. It's a work in progress but I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was when I met my ex. Looking back I see just how chaotic it was. Hindsight 20/20 I would have pushed for counseling and let the ship sink or swim though I doubt I would even have been attracted to the dynamic if I felt like I do now.

[findingmyselfagain]

Ironman,

That's a good question. I *REALLY* wanted to believe it was love. Our break-up, like many here, was very "ambiguous"... .I guess that's the word. It was so much I didn't feel like I could move on and date because I felt almost like I'd be cheating. While the entire time she was probably running to the guy she "hung out with" while we were engaged. She said she needed to fix herself and couldn't put a date on it but hinted we could get lunch and a movie in a few months. I thought she was my soulmate, so of course, I didn't want to lose her.

In our last good yahoo chat she told me she was extremely insecure, had lots of temper tantrums, and that I didn't get her because I liked people, didn't care what other people think, and was ok with my lot in life. We texted back and forth and were FB friends for a period of time afterward until I started pressing her to find out what the issues were. Nothing ever really made sense. So, I finally stumbled on mental disorders and borderline just hit the nail on the head.

The borderline waif, is my special brand of crazy. A lot like my mother. I'm very compassionate and like I was drawn to my mother's "suffering", I wanted to comfort her and somehow help her to learn how to love or to feel safe with me. I was a good guy, after all.

In the end though, I guess what speaks to me the most is the fact of just how "crazy" and sudden the ending was. She practically let me adopt her toddler, planned a family, a wedding. We were intimate several times a week and she could hardly keep from ripping my clothes off. I spent countless hours with her and her family... .going to Sunday School together, church, family lunches and dinners, putting the baby to sleep, entertaining the baby while my ex was doing whatever, buying them dinners, clothes, etc. Driving 50 miles one way several nights a week just to spend time with them and her family. We had our strange arguments, but it was always "we talked about everything" and love-bombs all over the place, like many here. Suddenly, it just came to a grinding, screeching halt. I've never heard a peep from her in the last 3 years except when I've initiated it, and no one in her family has ever asked me how I'm doing, or filled me in on the toddler, or anything. It just doesn't seem compassionate or make any sense at all. It'd be one thing if I was cruel to them, but I most definitely was not.

My feeling is if the love was real, or if she was remotely normal, perhaps we could keep some form of relationship. Losing her toddler is still difficult to deal with when I think about it. I thought of her as my own. I really wanted to love her as if she was. To hear nothing at all from her, or her family, just tells me she doesn't have the desire or ability to make amends, or see that needs to. There's just no way it could have really been love. I really wanted to get counseling and try to improve the relationship or discover what we could do. If she had really and truly loved me, I wouldn't be here posting or have had such a struggle. If I had to guess, I'd say her family at best is probably embarassed and really can't do anything about how difficult she is, so it's easier for them to shut me out b/c it's less triggering for her and easier for them. At worst, maybe they're all kind of mental. Either way, I know I don't need to let them back into my life at all, for a very long time, if not forever. It's really not who I want to be. It's necessary for my healing. If men stop rescuing her, then she'll eventually have to look at herself and sink or swim.

It's possible for these kind of r/s's to work out, but it's a matter of having strong boundaries and whether or not it is "worth it" to be the caretaker. I'm working on getting comfortable with "normal" and "comfortable" people, dating and otherwise. I'm getting my confidence in myself back, and in the rest of the Universe at last. I don't want to put my hand anywhere near the stove again if I can help it.

[Ironmanrises]

Ironman,

That's a good question. I *REALLY* wanted to believe it was love. Our break-up, like many here, was very "ambiguous"... .I guess that's the word. It was so much I didn't feel like I could move on and date because I felt almost like I'd be cheating. While the entire time she was probably running to the guy she "hung out with" while we were engaged. She said she needed to fix herself and couldn't put a date on it but hinted we could get lunch and a movie in a few months. I thought she was my soulmate, so of course, I didn't want to lose her.

In our last good yahoo chat she told me she was extremely insecure, had lots of temper tantrums, and that I didn't get her because I liked people, didn't care what other people think, and was ok with my lot in life. We texted back and forth and were FB friends for a period of time afterward until I started pressing her to find out what the issues were. Nothing ever really made sense. So, I finally stumbled on mental disorders and borderline just hit the nail on the head.

The borderline waif, is my special brand of crazy. A lot like my mother. I'm very compassionate and like I was drawn to my mother's "suffering", I wanted to comfort her and somehow help her to learn how to love or to feel safe with me. I was a good guy, after all.

In the end though, I guess what speaks to me the most is the fact of just how "crazy" and sudden the ending was. She practically let me adopt her toddler, planned a family, a wedding. We were intimate several times a week and she could hardly keep from ripping my clothes off. I spent countless hours with her and her family... .going to Sunday School together, church, family lunches and dinners, putting the baby to sleep, entertaining the baby while my ex was doing whatever, buying them dinners, clothes, etc. Driving 50 miles one way several nights a week just to spend time with them and her family. We had our strange arguments, but it was always "we talked about everything" and love-bombs all over the place, like many here. Suddenly, it just came to a grinding, screeching halt. I've never heard a peep from her in the last 3 years except when I've initiated it, and no one in her family has ever asked me how I'm doing, or filled me in on the toddler, or anything. It just doesn't seem compassionate or make any sense at all. It'd be one thing if I was cruel to them, but I most definitely was not.

My feeling is if the love was real, or if she was remotely normal, perhaps we could keep some form of relationship. Losing her toddler is still difficult to deal with when I think about it. I thought of her as my own. I really wanted to love her as if she was. To hear nothing at all from her, or her family, just tells me she doesn't have the desire or ability to make amends, or see that needs to. There's just no way it could have really been love. I really wanted to get counseling and try to improve the relationship or discover what we could do. If she had really and truly loved me, I wouldn't be here posting or have had such a struggle. If I had to guess, I'd say her family at best is probably embarassed and really can't do anything about how difficult she is, so it's easier for them to shut me out b/c it's less triggering for her and easier for them. At worst, maybe they're all kind of mental. Either way, I know I don't need to let them back into my life at all, for a very long time, if not forever. It's really not who I want to be. It's necessary for my healing. If men stop rescuing her, then she'll eventually have to look at herself and sink or swim.

It's possible for these kind of r/s's to work out, but it's a matter of having strong boundaries and whether or not it is "worth it" to be the caretaker. I'm working on getting comfortable with "normal" and "comfortable" people, dating and otherwise. I'm getting my confidence in myself back, and in the rest of the Universe at last. I don't want to put my hand anywhere near the stove again if I can help it.

Very insightful post.

In bold... .

Says everything.