Healing Childhood Trauma

[Phoenix.Rising]

  All, 

It has been suggested that I start a thread on this topic, which is a good idea, I believe.  My question is, "What have you done or are you doing to heal your childhood trauma?"  I've had some painful realizations over the past year and a half.  One of the biggest ones is that I'm almost certain my mother suffers from BPD.  I always felt something was 'off' with her, but I could not put my finger on it.  My father was an alcoholic and left us when I was 7.  So he left me with a mentally ill mother.

I learned to caretake my mom while I was still a kid.  I also learned that my feelings were not important.  This has carried over into my adult relationships with women.  I have a tendency to choose women who are needy and looking for a rescuer, but who really don't want to be rescued!  And I am not capable of rescuing anyone anyway!  I still find that I am attracted to these types, but my awareness is stronger, which helps me see red flags.  I've already been able to say 'No' in several circumstances.

These patterns are so ingrained, though, and I find that I have a strong sexual attraction for these types as well.  I feel a bit broken at times, and wonder if I will ever know what 'healthy' is when it comes to intimacy.

What have I done?  I've read a lot, I see a therapist, I attend 12-Step meetings, and I talk to others.  I am looking for specific workbooks, treatments, therapeutic modalities, etc. that have helped you heal the trauma and experience real, loving relationships.  I question if this is even really possible, although deep down I think it is.

[slimmiller]

 All, 



I learned to caretake my mom while I was still a kid.  I also learned that my feelings were not important.  This has carried over into my adult relationships with women.  I have a tendency to choose women who are needy and looking for a rescuer, but who really don't want to be rescued!  And I am not capable of rescuing anyone anyway!  I still find that I am attracted to these types, but my awareness is stronger, which helps me see red flags.  I've already been able to say 'No' in several circumstances.

Hello

Thank You for this thread. I too think its a good idea. I have learned so much the last few years at times it seems like the whole start of this BPD journey began in another lifetime

First of all congrats on being able to see the red flags. I have passed up potentially 3 relationships over the lasty few years that all reeked of BPD from the start. I so badly wanted to go further and there was such a strong attraction but it felt too much like deju vue all over. Makes me almost shudder to be honest.

That being said, I spent some time seeing a T,  Read a ton of books, All the way from "As a man thinketh" (philosophical) to "The borderline mother' this helped me to understand in how she thinks. I read 'Inside the mind of Casey Anthony' which helped me to understand how impossible it is to even have a logical conversation with my exBPD. She can not even fathom some of lifes simpliest things. Perhaps one of the best books was "Stop caretaking the Narcissist of BPD". All of these helped me to see why 'I' keep needing the 'dance' the BPD provides. They stir a deep passion within us and thus seduce and then slay, figurativley speaking.

Those were my big 'eye openers' Would love to hear what others have read/learned

Btw as a kid I was the oldest of a large family and I do not remember ever being the kid. Always the caretaker. Thats how I was 'wired'

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Phoenix.Rising,

Great topic!  Feelings were rarely acknowledged or discussed during my childhood; instead, I learned to repress feelings, causing them to go underground, only to reappear in different forms, such as anxiety and depression.  In general, I think women are much better at recognizing and talking about their feelings, whereas men rarely discuss feelings without a lot of trepidation.  So for me, as an adult male, I strive to be aware of my feelings when they arise and consciously make an effort to process them in some fashion, either by talking to a friend or family member about them, or writing something down about them, or playing music or doing art to work through them on a subconscious level.  Although I can't articulate exactly how this process works, it seems to alleviate some of my childhood wounds.

Thanks to all,

Lucky Jim

[seeking balance]

Great topic!

Besides the things you listed, the single thing that I have done that has made the most difference and been the hardest (Lucky Jim talks about this too) is to actually FEEL my feelings - the old ones that were not allowed and my new ones as they occur.  Self-soothe those feelings myself as one would a small child with compassion and tools to look at the facts.

Takes time & mindfulness for me - but worth it.

Peace,

SB

[charred]

Been seeing a T, and reading all kinds of stuff. Brene Brown was helpful. Concluded the main effect of all the FOO stuff was that I keep people at a distance and avoid vulnerability like the plague. So far not a lot of progress other than awareness. My T suggested I look in to mankind project as a place to meet guys and learn to be vulnerable, but ... .in my misspent near youth I went to a lot of weird camps with sweat lodges, shamanic gunk, fire walks and other nonsense, and it mostly liberated me of $$. Sent my T some deep background info on the MKP weekend warrior stuff and doubt it will be something I pursue... .probably would be better than sitting home, but I seem to hold a grudge too much to ever warm up to people that haze me.

The symptoms and my online tests seem to point to avoidant/schizoid issues... basically that I don't fit in well with groups. I know I keep people at arms length, and my issues with my pwBPD ... well she ignored the boundaries I have and then was just typical or even extreme BPD.

I would suggest Brene Brown's ":)aring Greatly"... for understanding of many of the aspects of how we handle trauma, shame, fear and so forth... but I am not real optimistic of fixing the after effects of my own FOO issues. The mayo clinic's advice for treatment of schizoid PD... .is to deal with the current/presenting stressful issues with a T, and disengage and re-engage later with a T if need arises again. Kind of discouraging. Seems like there has to be something inbetween going to a weekend whacky bootcamp for men where you go through unlicensed odd group therapy, and just dealing with it. ... so I am still seeking a better solution.

[Rose Tiger]

I love SB's advice on feeling feelings, this is such a biggie.  First just being able to get in touch with them took me several years of working through walls of denial.  Then looking at the self talk that said things like, you shouldn't feel that way and really critical thoughts.  Putting the kabash on those and developing new self talk!  "That is ok, you tried, it'll be ok.  Stop expecting perfection!"  Being a lot gentler with myself.  Also the critical thoughts about others, as an escape from my own stuff, ugh!  We will do anything to avoid our own stuff, intellectualize everything, look at others' behavior, etc etc etc.  The answer is so simple (get in touch with feelings unconditonally) and so.dang.hard.

[Beenreplaced]

Reflecting back to my parents I believe that my father was NPD and my mother BPD.    The biggest hurdle for me was taking the focus off of my ex and focusing on me (for the first time in my life) realizing that there was this huge hole of trauma that had not been dealt with and a continuing dynamic in my intimate relationships.  I continue to try and untwist the pretzel logic of my childhood which has been the hardest thing I have ever tried to undo.  Like they say if you keep doing the same thing with the same outcome you have to change something so I continue to work on me to break the pattern, I try to embrace change, I try not to invalidate my children ( I came from a very invalidating home), I ask questions, listen to my gut, try to trust my instincts (still working on this), allow my self to feel, don't be so hard on myself, realize I make mistakes and it is ok, open up and play back my childhood and realize the dynamics, getting a voice which I have never had and which I am doing on a daily basis, not only in relationships but on these boards too!   That's just to name a few!



BR

[Phoenix.Rising]

I've read some excellent responses so far.  I will summarize later for the thread. 

Something else for me is allowing myself to be angry, not rage, but angry.  This one is difficult for me because when I feel myself getting angry in front of others my first reaction is to shut it off.  If I start to allow it, I become afraid that it will get out of control.  My father's rage would get out of control. 

I do not know where the balance is with anger, and I am afraid that others will judge me if they see me angry.  I can get angry by myself, but it is very difficult in front of people.  I feel that I probably have some power in this area that I can own in a healthy way, as in protecting myself with healthy anger if people are crossing my boundaries.

[DesertChild]

I've been working hard to fight the internalization I received as a child. It's been really, really hard fighting it.

The words she said about how incompetent I was, I've been fighting by facing those things on my own.

I conquered all of them except for two. And it was a long, long list.

At five she said that my art wasn't good because I didn't draw perfectly. I ended up working with graphics.

For every thing she said that I couldn't do because I was dumb, not talented enough, or that the labels adhered to me would make me "work at McDonalds" I proved her wrong for myself.

The hardest hurdles for me to cross are the ones that were ingrained into me early... .but I'm working through those too.

I still think the hardest fight is with yourself. The crap people leave behind is yours to clean up, but you have to realize it doesn't belong there first. And fighting to do that is really difficult. I give recognition to myself and others on this account.

[eeyore]

For every thing she said that I couldn't do because I was dumb, not talented enough, or that the labels adhered to me would make me "work at McDonalds" I proved her wrong for myself.

Good Job!  You should feel great about yourself!  Do you?  It's ok to toot your own horn.  In doing so can you let go of the resentment ?  Just feel it all leave your body and float away like the San Francisco FOG.  No pun intended... .but I'm laughing at myself.  You know Fog and FEAR, OBLIGATION, GUILT (FOG).  I digress. 

Don't let the old past resentment hold you down now.  You are on a roll.  Keep going on the high road that you are on.  It will be wonderful. 

[Clearmind]

Great topic PR! It got long…our journeys are not all the same mind you.

Background: Alcoholic father, likely BPD, raged when I was kid, enabling mother, dysfunction on both sides including PD’s of some sort.

Outcome: Boundary-less, no self care, anger, resentment, peace maker, controlling, was striving for parental validation, my feelings didn’t matter, low self worth, no needs --- chose Borderlines or dysfunction because it was the norm.

Core personal issue: links in my thinking and relationship choice due to earlier family conditioning and self worth and abandonment issues. Great book: A Journey from Abandonment to Healing. False sense of who I was.

The false self develops when children do not have enough emotional and social support to become emotionally and psychologically separate from their parents. This adapted Self can be either deflated and co-dependent or inflated and counter-dependent. I feel I exhibit the deflated/co-dependent side more so but not limited to ~ the deflated self aims to please parents and maintain their conditional love. Hence in my adult life I have become a people pleaser and problem solver.

The inflated counter-dependent False Self has helped me to block my own shame about being loved conditionally and from falling into states of developmental shock and trauma ~ I can act strong and capable, even though I do not feel that way inside ~ do not show vulnerability. Not showing/allowing yourself vulnerability inhibits personal growth – we become rigid opposed to flexible.

My path

My therapist has helped me enormously navigate why as an adult I think the way I do and making linkages to my childhood. I had a very emotionally invalidating childhood and as an adult I carried that very same thought process into my adult life.

My T really helped me see that as adult I have adult privileges and those privileges include; standing up for myself, being assertive and knowing my core values by first identifying and then relinquishing some faulty beliefs about myself and others.

The 3 P's - permission, prescription and prohibition (childhood conditioning)

I have done a lot of CBT and thought monitoring exercises – which initially took some time to sort through and with practice it takes less time now.

Write down events that are triggering – use the thought monitoring form (below) to work through what you would do now – I realize this is all in hindsight however what it does do is empower you – if the same were to happen you will be better equipped to protect yourself.

I had numerous triggering events in my past that I could not get through because they still pushed my “security button” – I slowly let go by writing down boundary statements for each triggering event. I know I can protect myself.

Understand when you are triggered – feel it so you can process it – avoid flight mode.

Thought Monitoring Record Sheet – there are plenty on the net – have a poke around.

Values leading to stronger boundaries: Explored my intrinsic values – main ones for me: balance, happiness, security, stable, reliability, honesty, honour and humility.  Knowing your values also means you know when they have been violated and a boundary can be set.

Mindfulness has helped me so much – we are what we think about all day long. How often do you check in on you – your body, mind, belly? Kids of alcoholic’s especially tend to emotionally check out. Tap back in and use some mindfulness skills to pause through out the day and take note of you.

Manage negative self talk – our inner critic is our own worst enemy. Be present, recognize when you check out and use mindfulness techniques to re-center.

The Self-Acceptance Project Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness

Price of being nice Also common for kids of alcoholics to be “nice” at their own expense. What ends up happening is that we (me) end up feeling very resentful towards others even though it was me who placed myself in that position. You are right – “I will think about it” is better than “Yes” if you are unsure. “No” is a good word to add to our vocabulary.

Understand primary and secondary emotions – I was made to feel wrong for my feelings as a child. Anger was an emotion I could not process – being a secondary emotion I can now source what is underlying it and recognize that anger is masking something else – usually fear for me. Feel, be OK with vulnerability and understand shame Daring Greatly – Brene Brown

Living in the “tyranny of shoulds”: Childhood conditioning dictated for me that “I should be available for anyone who needs me” – this all leads back to our faulty beliefs and those things we were prescribed to do as kids “I should be a high achiever”, “I should always be productive”, “should never fail or make mistakes” are some of my personal favourites - We don’t have to fix everyone: great simple book that I love I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better - Gary B. Lundberg, MA, MFT


And if everyone likes us then we are doing something drastically wrong!

Understand what it means to have had an alcoholic parent Adult Children of Alcoholics

What does a friendship actually mean?: I made a list of the qualities I want in a friend. I realized my ex was not a friend inside the relationship and certainly could not be one outside the relationship. This exercise helped me re-frame what a good honest was/is.

I interviewed 5 friends (those I truly trust) and asked them why they are friends with me! It was enlightening. I am not just useful as I was lead to believe from childhood, I have great qualities that others see in me but I didn’t see them in myself. Great exercise for self worth.

______

Acceptance of our childhood is really critical otherwise we will continue to live back in the past. I had a really hard look at my own parents parents and know exactly why they parented the way they did. I forgive them, trust they did their best - we need to remind ourselves that we are now capable of protecting ourselves if threatened – unlike the feeling we had as children where many of us did not feel protected.

Our parents are not perfect, they have flaws just like us – take a good look at your expectations of your own parents and whether you place them on a pedestal – placing anyone on pedestal is setting yourself for gross disappointment.

It all takes some work and practice!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thank you for sharing, Clearmind.  There is a wealth of information in your post.  The amount of work you've done is impressive and encouraging. 

EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is a type of therapy that has proven beneficial to many working through childhood trauma and PTSD.

[seeking balance]

EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is a type of therapy that has proven beneficial to many working through childhood trauma and PTSD.

I did this during the worst of my symptoms - my T was trained and works with people returning from war.

It is simple, and it really did work.  Basically, it "reboots" the emotion part of your brain - that is how it was explained to me.

[seeking balance]

Clearmind:

The only thing I can say to that post is:

"Can I get an amen sister"

Great stuff - you have about 5 workshops all in 1.  You are quite the example of someone who as done the work.

[nolisan]

P R

You say you do the 12 Steps - have you ever looked at ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)?

I has been a "lighthouse" for me and taken me to a new place in recovery (ie beyond AA). Now I see WHY I drank and WHY I got into/stayed in BPD r/s.

They have really good phone meetings if there is no f2f in your area.

Noli

[Clearmind]

Thank you SB . Not everything worked for me - I have a scientific mind   so I tried it all - the ones above are really what gave me that extra nudge each time and finally all the cards fell. The key is to start and monitor progress. It was a full time job for a while.

EDMR is also very good - I didn't do so much of that though - my T was really into DBT and CBT.

[DesertChild]

Might be obvious to some, but I learned you are allowed to have more than one emotion at once and they are allowed to conflict and you can honor both.

Also emotions are perceptions.

And there are ways to mitigate anxiety.

Also, I need to find my emotional middle.

I've also internalized a lot of my uBPDmom's voice, despite being aware of it. Such as the self-critical voice I know she has inside... .I have less of it, and I've healed a lot of it, but it's still there, especially when I'm feeling down.

Slow, but I'm fine with slow. Healing takes time and I'm going to honor that in myself.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I have a scientific mind   

There is nothing wrong with that!  It is a gift.

You say you do the 12 Steps - have you ever looked at ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics)?

Yes, one of my good friends who is also a therapist gave me a copy of the ACoA 12-Steps workbook.  It is a yellow book.  I started reading some of it, and I can identify in a strong way.  That work scares me a bit, but I know it would be very beneficial.  I have done a significant amount of Step work in AA over the years.  It's interesting to hear ACoA has phone meetings.  I will keep that in mind.

Might be obvious to some, but I learned you are allowed to have more than one emotion at once and they are allowed to conflict and you can honor both.

DesertChild, It's interesting to hear you say this because I was telling a friend after a meeting last night that I was feeling multiple emotions at once, which has been happening a lot lately.  It is quite exhausting at times.  Because of this, I often have a difficult time discerning exactly what it is I'm feeling.  For instance, I was feeling angry, sad, afraid, and alone all at once.

The key seems to be to allow myself these feelings, and a significant part of that for me starts with identifying them.  I've noticed that sometimes when I try to identify my feelings, if I am feeling multiple feelings at once, I think I feel blank or zoned out in a sense, but the reality is I have feelings going on in there.  It takes practice to identify them.

[bb12]

Excellent thread

The one thing that is helping me the most is 'magical thinking'. Let me explain:

I am so sure that the way I react to certain situations is so wrong, that I simply won't allow myself to keep reacting that way. Any other way of reacting is actually preferred to the same old ways of thinking and reacting, you know?

As you know, BPD abuse can decimate our self-confidence and we can over-think and second-guess every little thing. Through mindfulness and the knowledge that my natural reaction to a certain stimuli is probably not the right reaction, I am changing things.

Instead of letting my nerves get the better of me before a presentation at work, I pause, accept the feeling of fear, find the thought behind the feeling and challenge that thought.

Ultimately, I think that when we Codependents start looking at childhood trauma and make conscious steps to change established patterns, we already over-think. The best approach, to my view is simply to stop doing that. Quiet the inner critic, don't suffer paralysis by analysis. Back yourself. Be confident. And leap. But all the while, don't care so much about the outcome. Caring less is the key. And having faith in your innate goodness and morals and courage, will help you to do that.

Also understanding Schema Therapy helped a lot. Understanding what default programs I have in play at any one time, and working to challenge those

Good luck!

BB12

[DesertChild]

Excellent thread

The one thing that is helping me the most is 'magical thinking'. Let me explain:

I am so sure that the way I react to certain situations is so wrong, that I simply won't allow myself to keep reacting that way. Any other way of reacting is actually preferred to the same old ways of thinking and reacting, you know?

As you know, BPD abuse can decimate our self-confidence and we can over-think and second-guess every little thing. Through mindfulness and the knowledge that my natural reaction to a certain stimuli is probably not the right reaction, I am changing things.

Instead of letting my nerves get the better of me before a presentation at work, I pause, accept the feeling of fear, find the thought behind the feeling and challenge that thought.

Ultimately, I think that when we Codependents start looking at childhood trauma and make conscious steps to change established patterns, we already over-think. The best approach, to my view is simply to stop doing that. Quiet the inner critic, don't suffer paralysis by analysis. Back yourself. Be confident. And leap. But all the while, don't care so much about the outcome. Caring less is the key. And having faith in your innate goodness and morals and courage, will help you to do that.

Also understanding Schema Therapy helped a lot. Understanding what default programs I have in play at any one time, and working to challenge those

Good luck!

BB12

I believe this too. However, for those of us caught between a [.u.]N/BPD parent and a codependent parent, I think the struggle is to find the middle between those extremes. I always wanted it, but wasn't given the chance to explore it until recently. (I actually wrote an ethics paper on balance when I was 13 or 14, showing how much I wanted it.) Not roll over, but also not set boundaries so hard that you ignore other people. I'm struggling to find that middle. To understand when I'm standing my ground, when I'm not listening and when I'm rolling over (versus backing off smartly) in the wrong ways.

I realized giving up codependence gave me depression. But then I realized depression is self-anger. (or I saw so) and self-anger feels like something one can control. Which really means I have control issues. (Doesn't it? Codependence is control of others without the risk (Blame, emotions, etc)... .and depression feels like control that's not put out on others... .)

Anyway, I think finding middle is difficult, because truly, isn't middle and true balance a range of reactions that some of us were not allowed? (Or at least I was not allowed. Training, training, working on it.)

[seeking balance]

Regarding different therapy's - I found DBT skills quite useful in learning to stay in my emotions and process them.  My T was not DBT trained, but since I am not BPD, that is ok - the actual skills I equate to going to emotional kindergarten.  Simple, but powerful.  DBT self help website and the workbook combined with my my T's expertise in codependency (she trained with Pia Mellody)was quite good for healing my childhood stuff.

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Ok, here is what we have so far:

Feel your feelings

• “Self-soothe those feelings myself as one would a small child with compassion and tools to look at the facts.”



• Consciously make an effort to process feelings by talking about them, writing about them, playing music, writing poetry, or making art to deal with them on a subconscious level.

Trust your gut.  Trust your instincts.  Heed red flags.

Work with a therapist.

Practice Mindfulness.

Question negative critical voices when feeling feelings, quiet the inner critic, and counteract with positive messages.

Be confident.

Care less about outcomes.

Strive for balance, the middle ground or middle path.

Find your emotional middle.

Reduce critical thoughts about others; reduce invalidation of others.

Keep the focus on self, especially when the tendency is to avoid, as in doing anything but feeling feelings.

Be gentle with self.  :)o not be hard on self.

Making mistakes is ok.

Embrace change.

Make a change by doing something different to break the pattern.

Ask questions.

Let go of resentment.

Relinquish codependency.

Practice expressing anger openly in a healthy, controlled manner.

Mankind project.

Recognizing the 3 P’s (permission, prescription, and prohibition) as they relate to childhood conditioning.

Recognizing and acting on our adult privileges: standing up for self, being assertive, knowing core values, and relinquishing false beliefs about self.

CBT

DBT  

EMDR

12-Step meetings and Step work

CoDA & ACoA

Schema therapy

Write down triggering events using Thought Monitoring  Record Sheet and then write boundary statements relating to those events.

Understand when you are triggered and allow self to feel associated feelings.

Self-Acceptance Project

Learn to be honest with self.

Understand primary and secondary emotions.

Relinquish the “tyranny of shoulds”.

Make a list of the qualities you want your friends to have, and ask friends why they want you as a friend.

Forgive our parents.

Reduce unrealistic expectations of self and others.

Magical thinking- accept the feeling, find the thought behind the feeling, and challenge that thought.

Books – ‘A Journey from Abandonment to Healing’, ‘I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better’, ‘As a Man Thinketh’, ‘Understanding the Borderline Mother’, ‘Inside the Mind of Casey Anthony’, ‘Stop Caretaking the Narcissist of BPD’, ‘Adult Children of Alcoholics’, books by author Pia Melody, Brene Brown materials, particularly ‘Daring Greatly’

[Clearmind]

  we should write a book

[Phoenix.Rising]

We probably could! 

[eeyore]

 we should write a book

I agree!

[Lucky Jim]

Excellent summary, Phoenix, with much food for thought.  Thanks!  Lucky Jim

[myself]

Excellent summary, Phoenix, with much food for thought.  Thanks! 

I agree! I'd add, remember That was then and This is now.

When I find myself ruminating, I realize I am somewhere in the past more than the present. Having conversations with people who aren't around anymore. In some ways that has helped, but it can keep me stuck. More forward movement is needed to break free from old patterns and pain. Mindfulness may be the key to all of this. Acceptance of what is. Acknowledging our progress spurs us into further progress.

[dontknow2]

Great thread. In addition to what has been mentioned... .

It is important for me to relive the exact experience in my head (or similar situation in present day; unfortunately, this was available too often with my dxBPDh) and take a different approach like stand up for myself. Gaining my dignity back helps build my strength to do the healing (maybe like stitches do for a deep cut to start healing).

If others heal from my hurt, I heal.

To add onto the idea of forgiving our parents, others, and ourselves (i.e. shame for not standing up for myself). I find I follow a slow and cumbersome process to do so... .

I have to address each hurt or related hurt separately. Any outright forgiveness to a person for all harm has never worked for me.

I have to face how I have harmed others in similar ways, even if less severe.

Unless there is a VERY good reason, I need to let the person who harmed me know, ask for an apology, and/or repair. I don't expect the person to feel sorry, apologize, or repair since they own that. Yet, there is this part of me that feels like just "letting go" without an attempt at repair is still invalidating my self-worth (it's like I am still telling myself still I am not worth it and they are more important; it's equalizing). I also find without this step; the wound doesn't heal completely.

For example, I wrote a letter to Dad explaining how his abandonment (and reasons why) and rejection impacted my early adult decisions leading me to a very hard life and ultimately lots of crying, therapy to help heal. I let him know if he had remorse and wanted to atone, to please help my mother financially.