how can we help our non BPD son with his BPD fiancee?

[oleye]

Our son (Sam) has been in living with a woman we suspect has BPD for 1 year 9 months.  I have read a few articles on bpdfamily, also read SWOE and The Essential Family Guide book.  She is very high functioning BPD.  She has failed at previous relationships for 10 years.(according to her mother)  She has mastered her techniques for isolating our son from his family and friends.  We have not had any contact with him for two months.  She sends us lengthy emails telling us all our mistakes that have caused the breakdown in the relationship. She has had chronic Lyme disease of 10 or more years and that has caused her to develop defuse large B cell Lymphoma. It is a common form of non-Hodgkin's, but very uncommon in her age-group. It is often secondary to chronic infection. After extensive testing, she has also been diagnosed with secondary Parkinsonism (Parkinson's disease, caused by long-term Lyme), and something called Idiopathic Progressive Polyneuropathy, (it is a progressive degeneration of the nerves).  She is wanting empathic acknowledgement that she is dying soon.  We want to do that but are not sure what to say that is acceptable to her.  If we ever do get to talk to our son, do we gently suggest he may need help to help her?  They have a 7 month old baby.  She has 9 and 10 year old children that the father has most of the time, but it is a shared custody.  Our son had to quit a good job to care for her and baby, so of course, money is an issue. Any suggestions or advice would be welcome!

[pessim-optimist]

Hi oleye, 

I want to say - welcome! I am so sorry you are going through this! 

Being isolated from your son and grandchild must be excruciating. We were in a similar situation last year with our daughter (BPD) and her 3 kids.

When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Do you think there could be a way for you to reach out to your son?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi oleye,

Welcome.   I'm sorry that you and your son are going through this. This does sound like a difficult situation.

This is probably taking a huge toll on your son, so I understand why you would want to help him. Taking care of someone who is sick can be exhausting, and when you add BPD to the mix, it can be even tougher.

Have you asked how you could help them? Perhaps you could the kids for an afternoon (or more), or ask your son and his partner what kind of support that you could lend to them.

While I can only imagine the hurt you're feeling after being cut off from your son and grandchild, from your post I can tell that you care about your son and want the best for him. You've found the right place for support.

Hugs,

GG

[ForeverDad]

 

I'm so sorry that this PD has caused such problems in your family.  A lot depends upon your son.  You can help educate him, support him, offer ideas and strategies, but in the end it's up to him to decide what he will do or not do.  Unfortunately, the easy path (short term) is for him to acquiesce to her relentless pressuring, incessant demands and reality distortions.  Thus far (and long term) that has only resulted in him being sabotaged and possibly sabotaging himself.  What he needs to do - and is so hard to due after months of appeasing - is review his life and reset normal boundaries for himself.  There's not much he can do about her actions and behaviors, the only things he controls is his own life, actions and behaviors.  That takes boundaries.  And a ton of determination and stamina.

Your DIL is busy blaming and blame-shifting, also typical.  She could change - if only she wanted to.  Not easy, it would be the hardest thing in her life to accomplish it, but it has been done.

Can your son register here or at least 'look over your shoulder'?  While your support is priceless, he may be able to respond to the same information more readily when he discusses it with those who are living with or or lived with it in the past and, um, survived.  Here are some preliminary pointers.

• Generally it is not wise to tell the person with BPD (pwBPD) that he/she suffers with a personality disorder.  The Denial and Blame-Shifting is that extreme.  She might very well overreact even more than she has before.



• He should not log on from a computer that she has physical or electronic access to.  Many members have had their accounts broken into, especially if they were lax in their alertness or their pwBPD was computer savvy.



• PwBPD typically interrogate their spouses and other family members mercilessly.  Probably she has conditioned him to divulge everything in his life or else face her wrath or pressuring.  This peer support is something he need to keep confidential, he can't speak openly here in anonymous peer support if she's monitoring him or raking him over then coals for every detail.



• I and others have



• We have no way of knowing how ill his wife is or how much she's exaggerating her health problems.  That too could be a way she is controlling him, using her health as a guilt trip.



• He should remember the F.O.G. that she uses against him (or that he may use to sabotage himself)... .
  
     Fear
  
     Obligation
  
     Guilt

Right now his isolation is the big challenge to overcome.  Being isolated from your family is also a common tactic.  His wife doesn't want him to have support that might weaken her authority in that family.  Are you able to contact him at his work, go out to eat lunches there with him, being mindful that he is likely being expertly quizzed about every facet of his life?  He has the right to have personal time and certain things considered 'his stuff' and privacy.  She won't see it that way of course.

My ex too wanted to get diagnosed with various vague, hard to diagnose but persistent maladies.  I'm not saying she's making it all up, likely not, but she may have a bit of Munchausen's (factitious disorder).

[Krudula]

Hi Oleye

Your situation is so similar to mine. I too have a son (nonBPD) who is married to an uDIL and we feel for you. Undiagnosed DIL just very recently has decided she wants a divorce and left my son to deal with the 2 children. She's now living the high life, spending, partying and having a great time w/o responsibilities.

We gave our son the book Walking on Eggshells some time ago and he found this to be very helpful.

You have the added difficulty of your son's partner being ill and we feel for you that this whole BPDisorder is playing havoc in your lives.

You will find this bpdfamily board a place where you can unburden. There are many of us who will empathise with you.