Situation different with kids? Or is that just an excuse?

[starkwell]

Hello,

Married with 2 small kids. Aged 6 and 4. Wife is diagnosed BPD.

I know that living with a pwBPD must be tough, no matter the circumstances, but sometimes I think there should be a separate board for people who have children with them. The difficulty and complexity and potential damage to the children takes all of this to another level. The desperate feeling of being trapped is unbelievable when kids are involved. Young kids, especially... .

I always think that if it weren't for the kids, I would be SO OUT OF HERE! There would be nothing to stop me... .The house? The car? What the neighbours would say? Who cares about that!

Again, I don't mean to insult or diminish the issues felt by those without small kids in the mix... .but this is just how I feel sometimes.

Of course, all of us in these relationships probably looks at non-BPD couples divorcing and thinks to ourselves, "What could they POSSIBLY be getting divorced over?"

But of course, everyone is fighting battles we'll never know about. We know that better than most.

I really do believe that it is the kids that keeps me here. I want to stay to protect them as best I can... .My rationale is that if I am not around to absorb the rage, then they will become the targets.

You always hear people say, "Oh, I'd take a bullet for my kids." Well, I believe I'm taking a bullet for them... .slowly... .slowly... .every single day... .stuck in a loveless, sexless, abusive relationship with someone who just uses me as a bank machine/butler/maid.

The cruel trick is that she knows all this... .and because she knows I will go through hell for the kids, she pours it on and on... .She pulls stuff that she knows I would NEVER stick around for if they weren't around.

But sometimes I feel like leaving anyway... .Usually I think that I'd rather give them 2 completely sane days per week than 7 pretty crazy days. And then sometimes I think... .Hey, what about me? What about MY LIFE? Aren't I a person anymore or did my needs and wants totally die the day they were born? That can't be true.

But in the end, I absolutely cannot fathom the guilt of leaving them with her... .and I can't bring myself to pack them in the car and split.

Absolute paralysis for years now... .Will it ever end? I know I'm getting closer to leaving... .in spite of the FOG that I'm in... .When we she explodes I have no more patience for it... .I can show zero empathy... .None. If she hits me I threaten to call the police. I'm getting closer each time.

Anyhow, just wanted to express a situation... .and generate discussion of what having small kids does to an already crazy situation.

Oh, so anyone in a relationship with a pwBPD... .think twice before having kids. Actually, don't think about it... .JUST DON'T DO IT!

[Montana]

I agree and have thought the same things myself.  My uBPDh has 3 kids. I love them dearly.  If I walk away I would be walking away from them.  Crap I'm scared just to post on here. He is always looking for things to "get me" with.  If he doesn't have anything he brings up things I did 20 years ago.  We have only been together 3 years married 2.  He knew me back then. Plus I told him everything in the beginning. Huge mistake.  I always wonder why nons get divorced over boredom.  My friends complain about their husbands and its kinda irritating.  Because its something so small.  But I don't walk in their shoes either.  I do love my husband.  But when it gets really hard I stay for the kids.  He knows that and uses it.  When he's drinking he will get mad and if I say anything about us not working. Boy he throws it in my face that he will do what ever it takes to keep the kids away from me.  We started counseling its helping that and meds for him. Does your SO go to counseling? It might help

[Dancing1]

Hi, That exactly has been my issue for quite some time.

I have the added benefit of my husband being undiagnosed and having taken his eldest son way from his ex - by declaring her narcissistic personality disorder - I raised his son thinking that his mother abandoned him and had a personality disorder only to discover that it's my husband with that issue and BPD. I've spent thousands of $$ and hours in therapy with him with the kids , and we had a child together. My eldest from a prior marriage moved away - he saw the problems long before me ... I kept thinking he was having a bad day ...

Now I have a 10 yr old nd am petrified to lose custody and leave him with his dad to be

Destroyed - as he did with his older son ... All the work I poured into my step son and he is

Is no mans land bed of his dad ( my husband) ...

And none of the therapists diagnosed him- or if they did they did not share it with me , but they did share all the " techniques" that are recommended - which I couldn't understand why I should be doing those things if I was in a loving relationship ?

[starkwell]

On therapy:

She was diagnosed a year or so ago... .and then immediately quit therapy because she didn't "like" her therapist anymore. She "didn't know what she was doing".

Every 6 months or so, she mentions seeing a doctor in passing. Nothing comes of it. At least I know enough now not to get my hopes up.

My wife is a teacher and after a summer with her at home and after Christmas holidays... .my kids are pretty much basket cases. After every long break from school, it takes my son a month to get his classroom behavour back on track... .and that's with me THERE. In the house! With me coming home early from work every single day and totally taking over all child care from the time I step in the door to the time they fall asleep.

Another part of my FOG/thought process and rationalizations... .I think, wow... .wouldn't it be so easy if I were the wife? When a woman is married to an abusive man, there is a whole support network... .starting from the time the police show up at the house. What are the cops going to say if I try telling them my wife is abusing me? Will they take me seriously? What happens when she denies it all, cries for them and says that I was actually the one hitting her... .and the kids? In the past, she's threatened that she would accuse me of sexually abusing my daughter to the police, divorce lawyers, judges, friends, family... .just to ensure that she retains custody and to hurt me out of spite... .Hey, at least she doesn't hold back!

Again, I don't mean to insult the women on this board... .I know they are struggling with the exact same issues... .including those that have responded to this very thread... .but again, sometimes I have these thoughts.

Just excuses poured on excuses on excuses... .

[slimmiller]

Sorry to hear about your pain... :'(

I am fortunate, well sort of. I was in your shoes once and it took her sleeping with someone else to actually end it. And wouldnt you know it, it was all my fault because she could not live with the fact that I had dated a certain person before we ever even met.     

So while I lament that fact Im trying to co-parent in a hellish impossible situation with an almost constant raging ex, reading your accounts Im still somewhat lucky.

That being said since this is the staying board, I would encourage you to take notes if she gets physical. Protect yourself and have it documented! This fact should go a long way in a custody situation if she is getting physical. It would almost be in your favor in ways. Yes bad but its her proving she is not only capable of emotional abuse but physical also. The courts take these things serious. (should it ever get there)

Again I m not encouraging leaving but to protect yourself you may want to read "splitting". It too is about protecting yourself.

[longroad06]

She was diagnosed a year or so ago... .and then immediately quit therapy because she didn't "like" her therapist anymore. She "didn't know what she was doing".

As a female with a husband who says this verbatim, I feel for you. I also have a very young child (3 months old last week.) I am scared to death to leave her with him overnight. She was an "accident" but not a mistake. She will never be a mistake. I love her more than life itself.

Don't stay for your kids sake. Make a case for custody. Get a female lawyer. Document EVERYTHING. Time and date, what she did. Record rants etc. I know I am... .

[allibaba]

Hi Starkwell,

Sorry the system is biased towards women.  Its very difficult.  That being said, I know husbands that have successfully divorced and taken custody of their kids.  Have you read the legal board at all?  Lots of fathers on it.  I am glad that you are posting in UNDECIDED so that you can get advise from both perspectives.

Also for some women, they are literally trapped without the network of resources.  I know many woman posting on these boards that are stay at home moms with no resources and won't escape the physically, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship because their husbands control the money, the house, etc.

Despite being a successful professional woman with resources, I had to use a DV as a resource at one point as my husband actually got violent when I started enforcing boundaries.

I commend you for sticking around for your kids.  There are others on these boards that have made the same decision/ sacrifice. 

Have you checked out the tools?  Living life with your wife doesn't need to be a "life sentence" until your kids get old enough for you to leave?  The tools (like boundaries, avoiding J.A.D.E. and validation) can make like with your wife easier on you and your kids and your wife does not need to BUY INTO this process at all.  In fact she doesn't even need to know that you are making changes. 

I have a son who is a year and a half and I made a decision in March to live differently.  A few times, my husband has actually thanked me for "growing a backbone" with him.  I hadn't realized how much I was enabling his bizarre behavior. 

I have no idea how long you have been reading these boards, but have you checked out this video?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

Is there a way that you can enforce some boundaries around your wife's inappropriate behavior around the kids?  Can you get them into daycare/ after school programs instead of being in her care before you get home from work?

I'm sorry that your wife is willing to go to such extreme measures (or threats) regarding accusing you of sexual abuse.  I went through a custody battle with my husband (his ex-wife is extreme NPD).  She used every nasty tool in the book to hurt him to point where the judges custody ruling actually said that what worried him the most was "the mother's willingness to use her children as a weapon against their father."  Despite my husband's BPD, he's a good dad (albeit inconsistent) but I am lucky in that respect.

I agree that you need to document.  I would also record getting some sorts of recording device that you can hide and getting some of this stuff on record (just in case you ever have to use it).

[starkwell]

Thanks for the great feedback/advice.

There is some stuff documented that i can get access to... .My discussions with doctors and my therapist where they've recorded that i've been physically abused. They have assured me that's accessible to me if/when I wind up in court. So is her history of drug abuse.

I haven't done a great job of documenting each and every event. I know I should. I will endeavour to do so. I have recorded an outburst, as well, where I have her on tape saying that she would "say anything" about me to keep the kids.

So I've got some stuff up my sleeve.

It's really not the long-term that keeps me there... .I know i've got a good chance at custody... .but ONLY AFTER a protracted, seriously ugly courtroom battle. My real concern (read: FEAR!) is the short-term. Like, what happens when the police show up? What happens the night I pack up and leave the house?

I will try to do better with the strategies... .I do struggle with them. I still feel I deserve a good life... .Not a slightly less crap one.

[starkwell]

btw... .I so WANT her to cheat... .Maybe that would give me the moral high ground to kick her out.

Unfortunately, she has let herself go in terms of weight and oh yeah... .she's gone totally frigid.

She actually told me that "women in their late 30's and 40's don't want sex anymore"... .The way she said it too... .Like I was this poor schmuck, this overheated, pimply teenage boy and she was educating me... .I almost laughed out loud! It was like a SNL skit.

well, you definitely have to keep your sense of humour.

[allibaba]

Hey there Starkwell,

What have you done to make things better for yourself and your kids in the here and now?  Other than ignoring her behavior and protecting yourself (for example by documenting) have you found ways to improve the situation today?  I mentioned in another post getting the kids into daycare/ after-school programs... .or maybe do you have healthy family around that could be more of a positive influence?

Allibaba

[DreamGirl]

I agree, I think we all deserve a good life.  

btw... .I so WANT her to cheat... .Maybe that would give me the moral high ground to kick her out.

Unfortunately, she has let herself go in terms of weight and oh yeah... .she's gone totally frigid.

She actually told me that "women in their late 30's and 40's don't want sex anymore"... .The way she said it too... .Like I was this poor schmuck, this overheated, pimply teenage boy and she was educating me... .I almost laughed out loud! It was like a SNL skit.

Weight gain and lack of sexual intimacy can also be a sign of depression... .along with a struggling self worth. It's probably not as personal as you are taking it.

But in the end, I absolutely cannot fathom the guilt of leaving them with her... .and I can't bring myself to pack them in the car and split.

This is a common crossroad for so many of us.

I do think it's commendable that you stick around because you feel it's of benefit to your children.

There are pros and cons to every situation and one must decide to stay or leave based on what's best for them. Acceptance plays a huge role in all of that. Accepting that you're staying in the relationship because it's what's best. Or leaving it because it's what's best.

It probably won't help you with such a defeating broadstroke of "if I didn't have kids... .I would leave... ."

They're here. You love them. Your life is forever attached to them. It's one of the circumstances that just is what it is and you can not change it.

So accept that - and move on from that. Don't fantasize about some alternate universe where some alternate childless version of you exists.

We also really do have control over more then we think we do here. Have you checked out the side bar "Choosing a Path" on the right hand side of the board? Starting with this: Why Should I Choose?

Any chance at following the steps to gain a better perspective?