In need of some compassionate support please :)

[BlueCat]

The other week in an email someone casually mentioned my mother is in the hospital. The person who mentioned it had a stroke many years ago and often says things thinking others know it, so I don't think it was on purpose or to get to me or anything. I didn't ask any questions, but thought about it, wondered what it might be, considered the possibility of her dying and how I thought about that, and in the end, I did nothing. I don't know why she's in the hospital but if it was serious I'd think someone would tell me and then I'd decide what to do. And, long story short, if she was dying, I still wouldn't want her in my life in a serious way but yeah, I might stop in and say something - for myself.

But then today I got a call from a health care worker, asking for me by the name I no longer use (I changed my first name years ago, this person asked for me by the name that only my mother ever called me) saying that since they are going to do home health care for K (not the name she goes by either, but I knew who they meant) they wanted to talk to me about details and insurance and stuff like that.

So, calming breath . . . oohhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It's probably a case of them asking for her family and she put me down and they just went down the list.

So I am sitting on this tonight and tomorrow I will call back (without my kids around) and politely explain that they called the wrong person because I am not involved with my mother's insurance or her life or anything.

My mother has a domestic partner so that's the person who should be called about insurance of course, even if I were involved in her life. And the domestic partner lives with her, my sister lives across the street, my step sister lives upstairs, so of course even if I were in her life, I would not be the person to ask for home issues either.

So I know it's a mistake but I still feel the need for a little support right now.

I don't hate my mother, I just don't want her in my life. Not because I'm "punishing her" (as I've been told I'm doing - sigh) but because she is destructive and I'm better off without her.

And as I said, if it turns out she's dying or something, I'd go visit and I'd take the kids too, for their sake. I don't mind if they have happy memories of her because, again, I'm not punishing her, just protecting us, and they would want to see her if she wasn't going to be around for long.

But it's also probably just knee surgery again or something like that. And whatever it is, I will not allow myself to be guilted (even by myself!) into helping or taking over or doing whatever I've been conditioned to do.

So just stepping back and taking a breath tonight.

Send me good thoughts, k?

[Deb]

Sending you good thoughts and cyber hugs. It's hard, but you do need to protect yourself. Kind of strange that she has so many people living close to her and they called you. But hang in there.

[Marcia]

Stay strong Bluecat, I'm sure this crisis is triggering FOG in you. I personally don't think it was a coincidence or accident that you were called. I think your uBPD mom thought that would be a wonderful way to unsettle you. They are so good at that. I really think you need to stay calm and rational and see how things unfold, as you are doing. You are trying to correct your family relations for the sake of your kids and for the sake of you--which is the best thing you can do.

You are clearly a kind and compassionate person, don't accept blame for the unpleasant behavior patterns of others. We all have a right to live reasonable sane lives, so please continue to stand up for yourself!

I'm feeling for you, med crises are tough.

[Sasha026]

Big warm cyber hugs. I know exactly what you are going through and it's just awful. In fact, the phrase, "just awful" doesn't do it justice... .there are no words to describe the stomach flip and nausea. The halted compassion and the guilt. I have been down this route and it's not pleasant.

My mother's nursing home used to call me until I tried to put a stop to it (notice I said tried). I told them that she had a "person in charge" and I wasn't the one to call... .but, on occasion, I would get a call to ask me if they should take her to the hospital or give her a pill or call the doctor... .like I was there. No... .I was four states away and didn't know what they were talking about. The "they" I refer to was her usual charge nurse. How was I supposed to know what to do with her - morons. But, I still got that call every once in a while. Once they got me in the ladies room at Kohl's! I couldn't believe it! Oh yeah, they never called my home phone, they always called my cell phone even though I told those morons that my cell phone was usually turned off and tucked safely in my bag. The day my mother died, did the morons call my home phone like I told them to every five minutes? No... .they called my cell phone and left me a message. "Your mother just died." What senseless morons. I'm telling you, they needed instructions to put on a hat.

You have to understand that the people who called you were just like my mother's nurse. She just went to work and read her chart. She never met you and probably didn't know what to do - she just dialed the first available phone number. So don't get too upset. They don't know the history and really don't want to know. They just go to work and do their job.

So warmest hugs again. I know what you're going through and it's ROUGH. The best thing to do is talk about it. Don't keep it inside because it will eat you up. I expect to see a lot of posts.

   

[BlueCat]

Thanks all And Sasha, I figure that's it. Just someone going down the list "oh, oldest daughter, I'll call her". Duh. Even if I was in her life, why would it make sense to call me about details like that when she has someone she lives with? It wouldn't.

I called back and the guy wasn't in yet so I got put through to his mailbox. I just calmly left a message saying that a mistake was made in calling me, I didn't know anything about her insurance or home life and that they should call her domestic partner, L, who lives with her, or call her daughter, R. End message.

I am proud of my self that I did *not* JADE all over the phone, saying how I am not involved in her life, I don't talk to her, etc. I was worried I'd do that because yeah, sometimes I open my mouth and way too much information comes out (always when I'm feeling uncomfortable . . .). It's something I'm working on so yeah, it was a small step ahead that I got through leaving that message without doing it

Now I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall. Who will contact me and tell me what a horrible person I am? Sister? Sister-in-law? Someone new? I mean, why should they have all the fun trashing Bluecat, right? Spread the fun around  

I'm feeling a lot better than the other day for now. Each new thing is hard to deal with, but when it's over, I feel that much stronger and that much more independent. There's a yearly church event my aunt runs that should be this month or early next and I haven't heard a word about it this year. I casually mentioned it to my kids and they said they feel they've outgrown it anyway. So I decided to not contact my aunt and just let the event go by.  It does make me sad that I was not told about it this year (the date changes which is why I don't know when it is - she usually emails me, along with everyone else) but it's also part of my letting go of my family to just accept that this is how it is going to be.

And now this. It threw me when I got that message and I just felt this deep sense of, I guess, dread? But after I made the phone call I felt so much better for how I handled it. I feel that (so far, !) I have handled it well.

Upward and onward, right?

(and please, may the universe give me the strength to handle it well if (when?) someone tells me off about it)

[Sasha026]

((BlueCat))

I remember being in your shoes and believe me, it's no fun. We live our lives with the "Sword of Damocles" swaying back and forth over our heads. We expect the other shoe to drop and if it doesn't, we get nervous... .at least I did. "Oh God, what is she cooking up now." "Who am I going to hear from?" "What am I going to say, how am I going to react?" BlueCat, it's just no way to live. Believe me, there is life after BPD, and it's not bad. I spend a lot of time remembering things that I blanked out for years. After my mother passed, a lot of memories flooded back which needed to be addressed in therapy. When she was alive and kicking, all I did was respond to her antics, after she died, I had a chance to think and boy, was I mad. I think that I quietly went through grief on steroids. I guess I was just so mad that I spent my whole life catering to a woman who had no love for me or appreciation for the sacrifices that I made.

I used to do the same thing (JADE) - blabbering and blubbering all over a stranger. I almost felt like I was on the stand and some aggressive DA was going to take me apart and show me up as the bad daughter that I really was. I walked around defending myself in my own head most of the time. How can you enjoy your life when you're always "preparing your defense"?

I'm also sorry about your family situation. This also hurts because you feel shunned. Shunned because you just couldn't take it anymore. "Sorry folks, I'm weak and I can't take it anymore. She won't change and I'm tired of the BS."  I often thought of changing my phone number but I couldn't change my address and the cards and letters would just keep pouring in. I think I've mentioned it before but once I got a letter from the monsignor of her church. Talk about guilt! "Your mother doesn't know what she's done!" Then you get guilted by God, Heaven and all of the angels and saints! It's awful. It's frustrating and just awful. My heart goes out to you.

At least you have other people who can take care of her - I had no one. Just me and boy did I get hammered. I got so b----h slapped that I finally had a breakdown. That's when I finally found a good therapist in my new state... .I was going over the edge. Now when I think back on it, I should have just ignored them... .but that's easier said than done.

Try to just go on with your life. Go day by day and stay in the present. It's all you can do to survive this.

((Hugs))

[P.F.Change]

Sounds like you handled things very well. 

Like Sasha says, we might have learned to live in fear of the other shoe when we have the guts to deflect the first one. But usually regular people don't throw shoes. There was a misunderstanding, you calmly cleared it up. Probably that will be the end of it. It is unlikely the person you called will say anything about it to your FOO. Even if they did get mad and call to punish you... .what then? Are they worth being afraid of now that you are big enough to take care of yourself?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[BlueCat]

((Sasha)) That was a horrible situation to be in. I don't know what I'd do if I was all my mother had. Thankfully my mother has a lot of friends and family there for her. I know most BPD people don't have friends but my mother has done a good job surrounding herself with damaged people who put up with her crap. She's definitely highly functional in that regard (lucky her).

So, someone else from the agency called and left a message. Sigh. A different person. I'm trying to think of the rational way to handle it. Call back and leave a calm message saying the same as before, call back during the day to talk to a person and calmly say what I said before, or just ignore it, since I already called them once?

If it was anyone else I'd call back and calmly explain (again) that I'm not the person to call, so I think maybe I'll do that one more time and then if they call a third (or more) time, then just let them work it out themselves. Or heck, block the fricking number, ! I can't stay calm and collected forever, you know?

[P.F.Change]

Any of those options is reasonable. Whatever feels safest for you. 

PF

[Deb]

Just a thought. If you call them, demand that they take your name off the list. I did that one time, in a different situation. The person said they couldn't do it and I asked for a supervisor. I would have asked all the way to the top, but they scratched my name and contact info out of that file. I was not yelling, angry, or hysterical. I was very firm. And yes, I did DEMAND.

[BlueCat]

I called back and I think Sasha was right and it's just total incompetence. I called the number they left, asked for the name left on my machine, and when I got that person I explained I was called about KS. She told me she didn't call me. I told her I got a call from A Health Care and she told me that was a different division (or something? I wasn't clear on that part). I said that I had called last week and talked to M and she said no one by that name worked there. She asked if I was one of the nurses.

So as calmly as I could I said you know what, I think I'll just ignore any more calls that come in from this company. She agreed, !

The thing is, just getting the messages annoys me. It triggers something. Latent guilt I guess. Not so easy to overcome (as I'm sure you all know). Plus I don't want my kids to hear message after message that their grandma is in the hospital.

But at this point I guess I at least have to wait for a third message since the last one was the wrong number (it was the right company, but the wrong section I guess?). So when I get the third call, I think I'll take Deb's advice and ask them to take my name off the list.

Unfortunately, I didn't save the number of the guy who called last week since I naively thought this was over. Blah.

Thanks for the input guys

[Sasha026]

BlueCat, thanks for the hugs and understanding.

Oh... .boy, oh boy, do I know how you feel! It's not only the hardest thing in the world to do because you have to sublimate your natural feelings of compassion, but you have to be "strong", as Deb put it. This often leads to sounding unlike your normal self. Your mouth is moving but a different person is speaking. I totally understand the trigger, too. I existed in a "bubble world" knowing that anytime the nursing home wanted, they could burst it and turn me into a blubbering fool.

I don't know how many times I sat there shaking when I had to answer my voice mail saying to myself, "Now what?", "Why won't they leave me alone?" "I don't need this!"

You can TRY to communicate with these people, but don't get your hopes up. They switch players like a high school football team - everyone gets a chance to play. No one knows what your talking about. You end up getting frustrated and upset. You snap at your family and you end up behaving and sounding like the person she portrayed you to be... .more anger... .ggggrrrrrr.

You may have to start asking yourself some very uncomfortable questions after a while. Like, "Is she cared for?", ":)oes she really need me?" and if she doesn't, "Would I get the same result (pulling you in, guilt, FOG, manipulation, unnecessary monetary loss, the feeling like "I have to escape".) as you used to get if you got involved in her care?" Can more competent people handle this? Can I let her go? What will the repercussions be if I do?

These are very sad and uncomfortable questions. Especially if you are serious about letting her go. Sometimes we have to finally sit down and ask ourselves those questions... .and they hurt. Most of the time you just end up crying your eyes out... .but remember, the only reason we are in this position is because they put us here. This agony was not our idea.

Please keep us posted on this.  

[Deb]

This often leads to sounding unlike your normal self. Your mouth is moving but a different person is speaking.

Years ago, I dated a rock drummer. His band had several hits and then he crashed and burned due to drugs and PTSD (He was a Vietnam Vet). Anyway, he was pretty shy, and had to be the first one out when the band played. I asked how he did that when he was shy. He said that when he was on stage, he wasn't "P" ( his name), he was "LWB" who was brave and feared nothing. I have used that technique, kinda channeling my inner "mama bear" persona, when I need to speak in front of groups, or call a bureaucrat.

[Sasha026]

I usually put on my "Regan from the Exorcist" voice when dealing with my mother's nursing home. They could make Mother Theresa swear like a sailor! I needed yards and yards of duct tape to wrap around my head so it didn't explode all over the fridge.

They were awful... .and it was an awful time. *Shudder*

[BlueCat]

They switch players like a high school football team - everyone gets a chance to play. No one knows what your talking about.

Bwa ha!  You nailed it That's the feeling I get from this past week

Honestly, she is cared for. She has a great health insurance plan and she has many, many people in her life who will help her. Like I said, she attracts damaged people who not only put up with her crap but have stars in their eyes about how awesome she is while doing it. Well, and other damaged people who might not have stars in their eyes but are so damaged from *their* childhoods (with or without her) that they have bought into the guilt trips about how we never abandon family and we're always there for them, no matter how they treat us.

(to be fair, it's mainly the friends who have stars in their eyes because she doesn't let them see that side of herself. It's family who gets the rage and guilt trips and those are the ones who are damaged and guilt tripped into staying no matter what).

So I know she is ok, but there's still that edge of guilt because I was also raised to believe that you are always there for your family, no matter how you are treated by them. I no longer believe that and I am certainly not raising my kids that way, but there's still a bit of that in me and it comes out at times like this.

Given past experiences I know that my mother will be Queen of the Hospital. She'll have friends and family visiting daily (probably so many they'll have to schedule themselves). She'll have phone calls and cards and all that. So yeah, logically, I know she's fine.

But I'm still going to feel a bit of guilt and/or anger every time I get one of those dang calls.

It's complicated, !

[Sasha026]

It is true! Try to get one person twice! Forget it! No one knows what you're talking about... .I once talked to this social worker called, "Mum" at the nursing home. Yes, that was her name. She talked to me like I was six years old. I thought my head was going to explode. Naturally, I started to babble.

I remember the "queen of the hospital" stuff when my mother was in for her "heart attack", as well. The only thing was that my mother was so mean that no one wanted to visit her in the hospital except me and my son... .and we didn't want to visit her either but I had to take responsibility for her. I remarked to one of the nurses that my mother had BPD and she said, "Oh, now I understand what's been going on!" Apparently, a doctor would come in to see her, she would chat nicely with him, then the next minute she would spit at him and tell him to get out of her room because he was an idiot. She also got one of the nurses in trouble! Those poor women. At the end of her stay, she had a male nurse. That poor guy - he was a bit overweight and she would call him "her fat nurse" right to his face. She was vicious. By the end of her hospital stay, I think the guy was in need of therapy because he looked rattled. I mean, he really looked shaken... .she could do that to someone. I think she found it amusing to shake people to their core. She would find a fault and then poke at it until you exploded. What fun.

Since your mother has so many people around her, my advice is to quietly step back (which I think you're doing). That feeling of guilt is not complicated at all. I, too, felt a terrible remorse when I finally let her go. I had to actively fight the urge to call and find out how she was but I also knew if I did, she would suck me dry. I was very lucky that I had my son to help me fight the urge to call. He was adamant about it. He would say, "Mom, let her go, she doesn't care anything about you or me." And, he was right... .so I stuck by him and just let her go.

I really feel for you - so many feelings all balled up inside like a big ball of twine. Hugs.

[BlueCat]

Sasha, oh my mother is very different from yours in that regard! She's very concerned with what people think of her and because of that, she tries very hard to be on her best behavior around strangers and friends. Only her family (or very, very close friends) get the privilege of seeing the other side. Lucky us.

The hospital staff will love her. She will be courteous and kind and they will think she's a freaking saint, ! That's how she is with the world in general.

Which, sadly, does make me realize that she *knows* her behavior is wrong. If her screaming and raging was ok, why hide it from the public eye? Because she knows.

Honestly, if I only knew my mother's public face, I'd be more than happy to hang out with her. She is funny, intelligent, fun to talk to. But you never know when something you do or say will set her off and then comes the tight lipped face, the silent treatment or the (very much not silent) rage.

It's tough having a mother who has a public persona and fools so many people, but at times like this, it's easier. Because she has so many people fooled, she will be fine. Everyone in the hospital will love her, tons of people will visit her.

I definitely have it way easier than you did Sasha   

[Deb]

BlueCat,

My sister is like your mother to an extent. She can be very charming and sweet to outsiders. But to family, she can be a horribly abusive. Unless of course, she wants something or needs that person. Usually, people get a clue after awhile and she doesn't have many long term friends.

[Sasha026]

Oh, believe me, no one on this board has it easier! Oh no... .nope. We're all in the same lousy boat. Deb, your sister is just as bad! Either way, they are both master manipulators making us dance to their nasty tunes.

Your mother may have made it easier on herself, but in reality, she's made it much harder on you because you are now seen as the "trouble maker" by everyone else... .the bad daughter. "Oh, how can Blue Cat be such a bad daughter to her wonderful mother!" or "One mother can take care of ten children but ten children can't find time for one mother." "It's such a shame!" You have to hang your head in shame because you are seen through the prism of their rose colored glasses. They don't know what she did or how she is, all they see is how nice she is to them. What you are going through is very, very hard because it's hidden from the public.

I've heard it all. Even though my mother was a menace with others as well, it didn't take the backbreaking load off of me in other people's eyes. They even cited me for not taking the responsibility to care for her in advance! My husband died, I lost all of my insurance money in 08, I was in a brand new state and some jamoke in PA is yelling at me for not making sure my mother was catered to... .but that's a whole other story.

Whether the BPD is a saint to others or she's a witch, mothers are usually lumped in with apple pie and angels. Either way, we look like losers if we decide to go NC. No one sees what goes on behind closed doors and that's our distinct problem. That's why we're here to discuss this and realize that we are not alone. I mean, how much can we take before our heads explode?

I will agree that my mother was a total witch, but to others, she could be nice. Like Deb's sister, if she wanted something, she was as nice as pie. Once my son and I visited her. We arrived late and we slept in a bit, not much, but we didn't get up when she did at 7:00. I got up at about 8:00 and sat in the kitchen with her drinking coffee and chatting. I was still in my PJs when her doorbell rang. It was one of her neighbors. This woman came in, looked me up and down, exchanged glances with my mother and said, "I'm usually dressed by this time, I guess you stay in your pajamas all day long!" Now, I do not stay in my pajamas all day long, at home we got up at 5:45 because my son had to be in school at 7:00, but my mother obviously told this woman that I was a lazy slob who never dressed before noon! So, when this woman saw me - I was in my pajamas. My mother kept me chatting for a few hours, being really nice to me so she could keep me busy and in my pajamas so her neighbor could come over and see what she had to deal with. I was so embarrassed... .but then again, that was my mother. I gave my mother a "look", then got dressed. She did this a lot... .she made me "prove" her point by manipulating me. What a witch.

But in reality, we all have to deal with this false perception of being a bad daughter and it hurts so much.

[P.F.Change]

This woman came in, looked me up and down, exchanged glances with my mother and said, "I'm usually dressed by this time, I guess you stay in your pajamas all day long!"

What sort of person says something like that to someone they've never even met?  I probably would have said something incredibly cheeky so that she could also see in person how right my mother is about my incredible rudeness. Two for one! Wish you'd kept your pjs on and maybe asked her to bring you a second cuppa since she was already up.

PF

[Sasha026]

Not to usurp Blue Cat's thread, but this really shows her problem as well as all of ours and what we are up against... .and it ain't easy. I think I'm demonstrating the duality of this personality disorder, the confusion and the heartbreak.

You see, my mother went around her neighborhood complaining about me behind my back. She would call me five times a day and would chat, telling me how much she loved me and how much she wanted to see me. When I would go there to see her, anxiously anticipating a changed woman, I would be lured into a trap to demonstrate to her "pals" what a mean spirited, lazy, ungrateful daughter I really was. Why she did this, I have no idea. We were so good to her. We invited her to every holiday, bought her expensive presents (I once had my husband and son drag a huge TV up a flight of stairs for Christmas) and catered to her every need... .but it was never enough. My motto was, "I'm only as good as my last sale". I never said no to her.

This friend of my mother's was manipulated. She didn't know me. All she knew was that my mother had a very lazy, spoiled, rich (yeah, right), daughter who neglected her. She played the martyr to everyone. This woman was just reacting to what she had heard about me. I couldn't even fault her.

Another time, my mother had inherited this little dog. He was adorable (a Shih Tzu), but I already had Sasha (a big, white Akita). I could not take her dog when she went into the hospital - it was impossible because I was moving to another state. My husband was already dead and I was operating on a shoestring. About three months before I left NY, my mother went around her neighborhood with her little dog begging strangers to give her "a few pennies" to feed her dog. She told people that her mean daughter had moved away and just forgot about her, she had no money and her dog was starving. At the same time, I showed up at her condo, had the dog completely cared for ($1,000), left her $500 in cash, got her a driver if she wanted to go anywhere and wrote down all of my phone numbers in black pen right above her desk, so she could stay in touch with me while I was traveling. I filled her apartment with groceries, cleaned it then had to leave for my new state to buy a house. I was coming right back.

You don't know how much flack I got. Not only that, dog food started showing up at her door! I asked her, "where did this come from?", she said (listen to this - I am not kidding or exaggerating) "Oh, a nice gay couple really loved the dog so they offered to send him food!" After my mother had her stroke, I called the number on her fridge and spoke to the "nice gay man". First of all, he wasn't gay. Second, he was an old man (married and retired living on a fixed income) who my mother approached on the street. He didn't want or need a dog and was angry that I had called him! I was so humiliated! I still have no idea why she decided to turn this man into a "nice gay man". My head was spinning on that one!

The truth is, my mother hated me... .plain and simple. If she could hurt me in any way, she would do it - then look at me and give me a sneer. The only thing was that face to face, she was totally different. Behind my back? She was disgusting. She betrayed, lied, and misled others to hate me as much as she did. I do not understand what happened or why. That's why I came here and need therapy.

[Sasha026]

Let me amend that last statement. She was nice on the phone, face to face she was a monster.

[BlueCat]

Sasha   It sounds like your mother got a huge thrill out of playing the martyr. Mine does that sometimes but not to the extent yours did.

I wonder what my mother's friends think of me. The trigger for our last fight was her wanting to invite her two friends to a party at my house. Long story, but I said no.

Later I heard from my sister that my mother said I didn't want them around my kids because they were gay men. My mother has to know that was not true, but I guess in her twisted head, it was better to decide I was homophobic rather than accepting her part in the problem. But I bet she told them that. If they are sane and normal they might wonder why I had no problem with them being around my kids for years before that, but then, if they were sane and normal they probably wouldn't be so close with my mother in the first place.

So yeah, I do wonder what they think, but they weren't my friends, just hers and I can't worry myself over what she tells people, so . . . I try not to think about it.