Treating People as Objects

[Depression = 72% of members]

One thing I'm processing today is how my BPD ex had such a double standard when it came to the suffering of me (and the other guy in the triangle) versus himself.

When it came to our suffering, it was like he didn't care. Oh, he'd occasionally pay lip-service to not wanting us to suffer. He'd especially use his desire "not to hurt" his alcoholic ex as an excuse for continued codependency. I'd point out the best thing he could do for him would be to "put him out of his misery" and end things definitively with him so that he could start moving on, however, he'd theoretically agree... .but then keep stringing both of us along.

So behavior allegedly motivated by a desire not to hurt us, actually just prolonged our pain. The only person's pain the behavior minimized... .was his own. And then when he decided he wanted to leave, boy, then he was merciless. Then it was "I need to do this for myself, I'm sorry," callous, with no concern for my feelings or whatever. It was always about doing what was best for him, never anyone else.

When what he wanted was to string us along, he did that, when what he wanted was to leave, he did that. No real concern at all for what was fair or right or what would be healthiest or hurt anyone else the least.

[UmbrellaBoy]

One thing I'm processing today is how my BPD ex had such a double standard when it came to the suffering of me (and the other guy in the triangle) versus himself.

When it came to our suffering, it was like he didn't care. Oh, he'd occasionally pay lip-service to not wanting us to suffer. He'd especially use his desire "not to hurt" his alcoholic ex as an excuse for continued codependency. I'd point out the best thing he could do for him would be to "put him out of his misery" and end things definitively with him so that he could start moving on, however, he'd theoretically agree... .but then keep stringing both of us along.

So behavior allegedly motivated by a desire not to hurt us, actually just prolonged our pain. The only person's pain the behavior minimized... .was his own. And then when he decided he wanted to leave, boy, then he was merciless. Then it was "I need to do this for myself, I'm sorry," callous, with no concern for my feelings or whatever. It was always about doing what was best for him, never anyone else.

When what he wanted was to string us along, he did that, when what he wanted was to leave, he did that. No real concern at all for what was fair or right or what would be healthiest or hurt anyone else the least.

[Octoberfest]

I have had the thought before that relationships for pwBPD are nothing but a tool for them to try and soothe themselves.  I looked at the dating history of my BPDex; there are no clear patterns.  The guys are varied, from all walks of life.  There are more than a few real losers, druggies, scummy types.  The guy she is with now is a fat, greasy, uneducated cocaine user.  It seems that she clings on to whoever wants her at the time; and more than one person at a time, because god knows when she will be abandoned again... .It is thinking about this sort of thing that I for one see that they are not capable of mature, real love and genuine, trust based relationships.  It is never a partnership; it is two people pitted against each other, and the pwBPD is determined not to come out on bottom.  It is very sad.

[Reg]

Hi UmbrellaBoy,

I know the feeling and have been exactly there with my ex partner.  She was behaving the same way, and I've heard that same line 'I need to do this for myself, I'm sorry' myself so many times.

It is important to understand that this was and is nothing personal, it is the very typical borderline behavior, and they can't even help it either... .

We are dealing with 3-4 year olds on an emotional level.  Their fear of abandonment is so big, that they simply can't let go.  And the projecting of the mistakes on the partner make them feel better, it wasn't them, it was the bad bad world outside.  Very sad for everybody !

Reg

[happylogist]

I think in addition to what have been written, there is a twisted logic of wanting to be a good guy/girl and soothe themselves with the idea of doing "the right thing", especially for waif types. But because they are so self-absorbed in their own feelings and lack of empathy, relying mostly on whatever sympathy they have - they make it worse.    I was also in a complicated relationship, where he could not make up his mind and heart for a year or so (love you but can't be with you/ i can't be with anyone because i am not over my ex/ i am dating again someone but can't feel love/ and back to - love you but can't be with you - dating someone else - feeling good with this person). In all these situations he was a suffering victim, but looking back all he did was hurting more people, not only me and his ex as it was in the very beginning, but also involving new people whom he dated for a little while, only to stop it abruptly and then go NC, then try to be just friends, change to sex buddies and then again change the rules.  The count at the end is at least four people (if I am not counting one night stands and his current girlfriend).