Has Dealing With it Made You Sick

[downandin]

I posted about this yesterday in my long post that nobody has replied to, so I'll just rephrase shortly.  Has anyone been caused to have physical illness from dealing with all the stress of a BPD partner.  This week has been the worst one ever for me, and though she terminated the 'silent treatment' rather abruptly last night, I am still as 'black' as the supermassive black hole at the center of the galaxy. 

I am really physically ill from all the stress.  I am so nauseated that I can't eat without gagging.  I am having to sleep in a recliner, and I have spinal arthritis, chronic GERD, and obstructive sleep apnea, and this does not help.  How can I relieve some of the stress that is really getting to me?  I have three teenagers who take almost all of my free time.  I wouldn't be so pushy as to asking for advice, comfort, and shared experiences and hoping someone has survived something similar if it weren't so bad.

Reading things here and knowing that their are others out there who understand is literally all that is keeping me going.  Nobody I talk to in my real life understands.   

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

I was going down hill fast with stress, depression and general fear for the future for both me and the kids before I started to really understand what this was about. It was a slow turn around but it has happened. I probably am physically and mentally better now than I ever have been.

Anxiety, stress and depression can bring about real physical ailments. Even after the first light bulb moments it can get worse before it gets better as the enormity of what you are facing kicks in. Once you stop trying to fix or rescue them and make real improvements on rebuilding your own rights and space, then your mental and physical health starts to improve as you have more positive direction.

Loneliness within a relationship is one of the hardest forms of loneliness's to endue, as it feel like a sentence you have little control over.

[joe_schmoe]

To answer your question. Yes, the stress of dealing with my BPD wife has had very adverse affects on me physically. My back started to hurt daily. I know this sounds crazy, but my left eye would start to twitch rapidly whenever I thought about having to deal with my wife (it was imperceptible to her, but I could feel it). My job suffered greatly. I've never had to deal with anything like this in my life, I used to be very healthy and happy go lucky. I found myself getting depressed. I stopped joking around with people. I was always sad and serious.  I couldn't have much fun doing anything. I couldn't sleep through the night. I would wake up for hours every night. The list goes on and on.

So I started looking into ways to help myself. I'm a big believer in self help. I truly believe we have everything we need to help ourselves, we just need to find it. I don't want to tell you what to do so my advice is to look for things that appeal to you. Everyone doesn't respond the same way.

After years of research, and trying many different things, I have found these to be very helpful.

1. Self Hypnosis. I've never been a believer in hypnosis and (actually I still don't believe I can be hypnotized like you see on TV), but I've learned a lot about it and it can really help you to relax and reduce the stress. You could equate it with meditation, but I find the hypnotic approach more interesting. I try to find at least 30 minutes a day to just hide away and do a self hypnosis session. You can find them for free all over the internet.

2. As crazy at it sounds; do some internet research on the stress reducing effects of vitamin B-3 (niacin). It really does work. I couldn't believe it. I'm a a real skeptic about things. I never believe anything until I prove it to myself. So after hearing about niacin treatment, I wanted to prove to myself whether it really worked or not. It literally changed my life. I can't explain it all in this limited amount of space, but do yourself a favor and just read about it. If you are bold enough, try it. It really can't hurt to try it. I sleep through the night now, I feel better. My depression is gone. I am happy again. I can take my wife's abusive behavior and see it for what it really it. It still hurts and I have to suffer through it, but it doesn't affect me nearly as bad as it used to. I don't want to tell you my B3 regimen because I want you learn what is right for you before you start doing it and you can learn by reading about and doing some research. But I can't stress enough how it has helped.

3. Treat yourself better. Treat yourself like you know you should be treated. You have been beaten down. Try to remember what life was like before you were abused. Then start living that way again.

4. I find myself going back to this website many times: www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/note.php

It really helps to lift my spirits when I am feeling down.

There's a few other things, but those are the major ones.

Good Luck

[wishfulthinking]

I have a heart issue and the stress definitely makes it more noticeable.  I get to where I can't eat and I have lost 9 pounds in the past 6 months.  I'm not one of the people that can really afford to lose weight.  I'm was fairly thin to begin with before I met him.  Now, I've dropped another size and my Dr is on me about my weight.  I get dizzy spells and blurred vision from the extra stress with my heart issue, I've come close to blacking out.  I don't sleep well so my body hurts, but because his physical pains are "so bad" it doesn't matter that I end up having to struggle through because he's so tired when he gets home from work.

[downandin]

Just to give everyone an example, my latest health issue just illustrates really well how I feel about how I am treated in this marriage.  I've posted about not feeling well for some time.  I've been looking for answers.  I have had chronic kidney problems for years, so I went to my Nephrologist who referred me to a Urologist.  He did CT, blood work, and urinalysis.  At her urging, I asked him to check my Testosterone levels.  Everything looked normal except that there was a large amount of blood in my urine.  He said I need to have a cystoscopy.   I have had one before, and, suffice it to say, that it is a very unpleasant experience.  I told her about this and said that I was really afraid of the test, because, last time I almost passed out.  She did not care in the least and just said, I can't believe your testosterone levels are normal.  This is what set off this last round of me being painted black.

I'm sorry to say that I have really hoped that a doctor would find a medical reason for my ED, while all the time suspecting that it is more an issue of how I have been so devalued in this marriage.  And again, devaluation!  She doesn't even care one iota about the blood issue and the possibility that something serious could be happening.  All she cares about is that the test did not find something that would fix her needs.  It is ever so disheartening.

[anystar]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, downandin. I too suffered physically during my xBPD relationship. I smoked obsessively, gained 30+ pounds, and my hair started falling out in big clumps. huge red flags. I'm a month gone from my ex now and my body and mind feel SO much better.

raising three teenagers while enduring this kind of stress must be an enormous challenge and I'm glad you're posting on this board for support. I can't offer you specific advice for your situation other than to be kind to yourself and listen to your body and your doctors, treat it right with water/food/exercise/sunlight. good luck!

[wishfulthinking]

I had my yearly appt with my cardio specialist and he "had to work".  Mind you, I've been asked to go to his appts that consist of renewing his tramadol for his back and checking a mole.  My appt consists of a series of scans and meeting with the specialist to make sure nothing has changed and is detrimental to my LIFE.  I had to have my best friend go with me to drive.  Now, before my appt, he had me running around to help him with his job and I told him I had to go and he kept telling me I was selfish and he needed my help and to be a wife for once.  Guess who had to speed to get to the appt on time.  It's an hour away, plus traffic and parking... .at a large hospital where you have to wait in line to check in... . He called later to tell me about a meeting he had and never asked about how mine was going.  I had just gotten out of an unexpected additional test... .still at the dr.  He got mad because I didn't ask more questions about his meeting.  Ummm... .BUSY!  Sorry I didn't make the cardiothoracic surgeon wait so I could ask you how you felt about your meeting... .geez.

[wishfulthinking]

By the way, not trying to one up you, just wanting you to know you aren't alone... .I totally understand what you are going through... .

[LetItBe]

Yikes!  I'm so sorry to hear what everyone who's already posted is dealing with.

I'm almost 6 months out of a total of 1 year w/my BPDxbf but still dealing w/PTSD.  I experienced insomnia, anxiety, and a lot of pain in my body when we were together.  I can now sleep through the night, and my anxiety is decreasing.  Since the breakup, I've been overeating, and that continues at the moment.  I also feel a low-level fatigue much of the time, probably due to some depression.

These r/s's do take a toll.

[Nonamouse]

Yes, I understand what you are saying. For me, the constant stress has had a mental and physical impact. I've had to go on anti-depressants and I've gained about 40 pounds. I've just managed to start turning it around, starting slowly with more walking and less ice cream. The exercise, if you are able, helps.

Posting here helps too. It feels oddly good to be able to validate something without any hesitation. Because we are all in similar boats.

[Highlander]

Hi Downandin,

It touches me too hear your story.  For me, yes, it definitely has affected both my mental and physical health.  I smoke much much more than usual and my chances of giving up soon are minimal.  I suffer from insomnia & my nightmares are traumatic, panic attacks occur almost daily & my stress levels are through the roof.  I have been with my dBPDh for 7 years, but it was a,most 4 years ago that his BPD behavior intensified.  I finally relented and caved into my doctors wishes about a month ago and began introducing myself slowly to anti-anxiety pills.

My intention is to steady myself on them so that I can then work on giving up smoking.  Originally I thought that I would give up when my dBPDh  got better again, more like the person I first met, but when I realized that it is unlikely that my stresses will reduce some time soon, I had to begin to think about looking after myself.

Reading BPD literature .  There are so many 'self help' suggestions in it.  As well as seeing the same T as my partner is also fantastic.  I know that I am very fortunate that not only has my husband been diagnosed, but he recognizes it for what it is and embraces therapy.

[Cmjo]

Maybe I had always suffered from low level depression, but the cumulation ofnthe stress and frustration of this relationship led me to a very low point, I became violent towards the uexBPDh. I also developed thyroid problems. I saw a psychistrist who gave me anti psychotic drugs! That was a disaster, I stopped them suddenly and I was reeling... .luckily normal antidepressants got me out of that, changing to Zoloft then made me feel normal again and able to stand up and leave him!  Worst of all was neck and shoulder pain from alll the tension.