Wants me back

[Hurtbad]

Hello All,

I am the guy whose BPDgf flew to another city in April to sleep with another guy she met on Facebook, three days after we broke up and before I moved out.  She also started stripping... .she is otherwise a professional women... .to make extra money, with his blessing, posted photos of them all over Facebook, and since,since moved out West to be with him.  Their live-in arrangement lasted eight days!  She got a job out there... .a good one and she is stuck.  She found out that this guy is really just a player who wanted her to join a swinger group, who is already cheating on her, and who had her in two-on-one situations by their second weekend. 

Guess who she is calling and who is her BFFL.  You guessed, me.  we were friends for a long time before we fell in love, and I have been inclined to give her emotional support as has her mom.  However, she is now going on about how she never wanted to leave me in the first place, but I was not moving fast enough etc. and wants me back.

I am doing much better these days, but I must say her doing these kinds of things with and for this guy has me just scratching my head, and hurts a lot.

I cant get my head around her behavior... .sleeping with two guys at once three weeks after we broke up, splitting up after eight days?

Anyway, I am doing better than I have a right to, but I am anxious.  I want to give her verbal support, but I don't want to get sucked in.  My feelings are all over the place.   She is even more unstable than I thought, and it is very sad and scary.  It also opens up the wounds a bit.

some feedback from those of you thinking clearly would help a lot.

Thanks

HB.   

[Clearmind]

It hurts, step back! Listen to your needs not hers.

[Learning_curve74]

I am the guy whose BPDgf flew to another city in April to sleep with another guy she met on Facebook, three days after we broke up and before I moved out.

Guess who she is calling and who is her BFFL.  You guessed, me.  we were friends for a long time before we fell in love, and I have been inclined to give her emotional support as has her mom.  However, she is now going on about how she never wanted to leave me in the first place, but I was not moving fast enough etc. and wants me back.

I am doing much better these days, but I must say her doing these kinds of things with and for this guy has me just scratching my head, and hurts a lot.

I cant get my head around her behavior... .sleeping with two guys at once three weeks after we broke up, splitting up after eight days?

Anyway, I am doing better than I have a right to, but I am anxious.  I want to give her verbal support, but I don't want to get sucked in.  My feelings are all over the place.   She is even more unstable than I thought, and it is very sad and scary.  It also opens up the wounds a bit.

Hey Hurtbad, sorry you have to deal with this after what you already went through. You need a hug. 

Two things to note: 1) You two broke up, so the correct abbreviation should be exBPDgf, not BPDgf right? and 2) You said you're "doing better than [you] have a right to", but really, don't you have every right in the world to feel better? There's no specific healing timeline where you should beware getting ahead of yourself by feeling better too soon, right? 

You are very vulnerable right now, so please be careful. You don't want to get back together, so don't. If all she wants to talk about is how you should be getting back together, how are you supposed to offer her "verbal support"? By telling her yes? no? what?

[heartandwhole]

Hurtbad,

Please be careful.  As you said, your emotions are all over the place.  I would take a time-out, don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't feel comfortable with, especially your ex.

You cannot save her from herself, or BPD.  She has to step up and take responsibility for her life, and your job right now is to take care of yourself.  As Clearmind said, think long and hard about sacrificing yourself for her needs - you need you more!

heart 

[Ironmanrises]

She will only hurt you again.

And again.

And it will be worse each progressive time... .

Far worse.

All the progress you made in the interim will be for naught if you allow her back into your life.

Stay strong.

[Octoberfest]

Hurtbad,

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are going through, but I can sympathize with you.  Several times during on and off relationship with my BPDex I learned of things she did sexually or otherwise with other men or on her own that really hurt me.  Finding out the character of some of the men she had been with (shady drug dealers), that she had also stripped at one point, that she went and slept with close friends of mine and other unsavory characters, it all hurt, things even from before I knew her.  The kicker? They go and do those things and then come back to us, as if nothing is wrong and nothing has changed.  But from our perspective, much has changed.  It hurts us to have people that we love so dearly go and do things that are so disrespectful to the love between us and them.

I would be insulted if I were you. She goes and does whatever she wants, throwing away your relationship and the love you have for her to go and sleep with a guy she met on facebook, and then when that *SHOCKINGLY* doesn't work out, she comes crawling back showering you with praise and acting like *someone* or *something* made her go and do those things, when she really didn't want to.  Notice how she made it your fault. 

That isn't right.  That isn't fair to you.  And adult relationships, real love is based off of trust and mutual respect, not using someone when you need them and then discarding them when you don't.  As I have believed for awhile, relationship partners for pwBPD are little more than tools they use to sooth themselves and get by in the hell that they live in.  They are not capable of seeing things grander than themselves.

Again, I am sorry you are hurting.  I hope that my perspective will maybe get the gears in your brain churning so you can process some of this and decide on a course of action for yourself.  As ever, things happen in BPD relationships when WE ARE READY. 

[whatathing]

I understand that you don't want to abandon her, in one hand, and are confused about accepting her back, in the other hand. Well, I think that you don't have the minimal acceptable conditions of safety, mutual investment, reciprocity, etc., to have a real r/s with her. She needs far more to be able to make it work, than she can offer you right now. Regarding the friendship and help that you want to give her, I think that you can't play the role of a caregiver with her, because things are far too mixed up between you two. I think that at this moment, to be there for her, would be much more to find someone suited to help her, i.e., a good therapist, or a neutral friend, than giving yoursek the help she needs. You could try and make sure that she falls in the right hands, but not offer your own hands.

Good luck, I know that there is a great deal of complexity in these situations, and that it's not easy to know what to do. But in general, you are in a vulnerable position that makes you devalue the risks and options that you really wouldn't chose if you weren't vulnerable as you are now.

[Hurtbad]

Thank you all.  Your feedback is very much on the money.  She is almost treating me like none of this ever happened, and continues to mention that it was my behavior which led to this.  In al that is fair, i tell her, she had every right to break-up with me if she was unhappy.  But that has nothing to do with the way she handled it or what followed.  Also, it doe snot account for her BPD acting out during relationship. 

You might not believe this, but she is actually telling me how she wants a second chance, but that she does ot want to wait very long and that I had better get it right this time.  It is as if the aftermath never happened.

I now am getting my thoughts together to explain that even if I was interested in getting back, I need time to deal with me, and get my head around all of it.  Fortunately, she live 2k miles away now, but all of a sudden, I am feeling this pressure... .the same I felt when we were together... .to be ultra responsive to her.  I need to stay strong. It does help that, while I still have strong feelings for her... .I don't fell good about how she is pushing for a re-union.

AGAIN,, THANKS FOR THE HELP.

[Aussie0zborn]

... .and that I had better get it right this time.

She says that YOU had better get it right this time? What a joke. And what is she going to do?

Pull your self esteem up and dont be her doormat. You deserve better.

[Learning_curve74]

You might not believe this, but she is actually telling me how she wants a second chance, but that she does ot want to wait very long and that I had better get it right this time.  It is as if the aftermath never happened.

Why wouldn't we believe it? Sounds very typically BPD. Lots of us have probably heard the same and multiple times. 

I now am getting my thoughts together to explain that even if I was interested in getting back, I need time to deal with me, and get my head around all of it.  Fortunately, she live 2k miles away now, but all of a sudden, I am feeling this pressure... .the same I felt when we were together... .to be ultra responsive to her.  I need to stay strong. It does help that, while I still have strong feelings for her... .I don't fell good about how she is pushing for a re-union.

Why do you need to explain it to her? Don't you think she would understand why you don't want to get back together? Is the explanation for her or is it to get your own head straight? And that is perfectly fine if it is for yourself!

To be honest, it probably doesn't matter what you say to her to explain that you don't want to get back with her so quickly. All she probably hears, because she has BPD, is the invalidating statement "I'm not getting back with you because I hate you/you suck/are a bad person/are unlovable/etc!". A pwBPD has intense emotions and finds them hard to regulate, therefore her intense fear of abandonment will be triggered, and she'll probably experience a heightened fight-or-flight reflex that blocks out whatever reasons or explanations you are trying to give her. When you're sitting under a tree and a bear rears up on its hind legs and surprises you, your first reaction is an intense adrenaline surge to fight or flee, not to think about whether the bear is just trying to get at the honey in the beehive above or if it wants your picnic basket or wants your blood because its cubs are behind you... .those things can't enter your mind because it's currently 100% filled with RUN! or FIGHT!

You think you are giving her support by explaining yourself, but in reality you are probably invalidating her. Just understand that she will likely feel hurt regardless of how you frame your answer. But for yourself, if you do engage her, it is better to keep it short and neutral. You ARE still trying to detach, right?

[Clearmind]

I now am getting my thoughts together to explain that even if I was interested in getting back, I need time to deal with me, and get my head around all of it.  

HB, please be mindful who you expose yourself to - save it for those that you trust and admire and begin to understand who those are around you - they would never dream of using anything against you. She will use the "I need time to deal with me" as a way of blame shifting.

Keep communication emotionally neutral. She doesn't need an explanation if you don't wish to go ahead with a reunion.