Do you tell family and how

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have always been close to mom and sisters but an irrational decision that my BPDh made has affected that relationship. For most of us who have lived with BPD spouses we have been hurt/mortified by our their behavior and we  have learned to just go on (doing so for almost 30 years) but this time almost the last straw. My husband made an irrational decision months ago that hurt my sister and her family which I never knew about until recently. In his mind he was doing something to protect a family member. Well sis told mom and other sisters when it happened and never came to me. My BPDh told me during a recent  argument what happened and honestly I just couldn't believe he did it. I let it go as it seemed to have happened months ago. Well my sis drops the bomb that they are still upset and need to talk to my BPDh and the phone call takes place which after time processing throws my husband into a rage as they painted him to be a bad guy when they are just trying to hide the truth. He was so upset thinking my sis would talk to everyone about it and I assured him she never would and then a few days ago she said she did. So now I struggle with feelings towards my BPDh and my family which seems to me to have betrayed me. My current feelings are need to take care of my BPDh as I only recently learned of this disorder and trying to feel compassion and understanding but hurt and upset with family. Do I tell them about the disorder and try to justify the behavior and if so how? I mentioned a few details to sis but she changed the subject. I feel like life has forever changed and really just want to move away. 

[sunnydaysahead]

I have always been close to mom and sisters but an irrational decision that my BPDh made has affected that relationship. For most of us who have lived with BPD spouses we have been hurt/mortified by our their behavior and we  have learned to just go on (doing so for almost 30 years) but this time almost the last straw. My husband made an irrational decision months ago that hurt my sister and her family which I never knew about until recently. In his mind he was doing something to protect a family member. Well sis told mom and other sisters when it happened and never came to me. My BPDh told me during a recent  argument what happened and honestly I just couldn't believe he did it. I let it go as it seemed to have happened months ago. Well my sis drops the bomb that they are still upset and need to talk to my BPDh and the phone call takes place which after time processing throws my husband into a rage as they painted him to be a bad guy when they are just trying to hide the truth. He was so upset thinking my sis would talk to everyone about it and I assured him she never would and then a few days ago she said she did. So now I struggle with feelings towards my BPDh and my family which seems to me to have betrayed me. My current feelings are need to take care of my BPDh as I only recently learned of this disorder and trying to feel compassion and understanding but hurt and upset with family. Do I tell them about the disorder and try to justify the behavior and if so how? I mentioned a few details to sis but she changed the subject. I feel like life has forever changed and really just want to move away. 

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[committed]

Sounds like a very difficult situation to be in. so sorry... .I'm not sure if there is a black and white answer to this question. I think much of whether or not tell depends upon your family, how close you are to them, and how open-minded and understanding they are. I would not tell my parents or my sister about my BPDbf because I don't feel like they would understand and it would probably be held against me at a later time. (that's the way they roll... .) But, I did tell my brother and his wife because my SIL has bi-polar and they understand what I'm dealing with. In fact, my SIL was a big source of help for me in understanding some of what might be going on in my BPDbf's head when he says and acts in certain manners. My BF has not done anything in front of any of my family to give them reason to believe he is dealing with a mental health issue, but to be honest, I just don't really spend alot of time around my family so I don't have to deal with it much any way. My family has issues that are well outisde of what is going on with my BF.

Hang in there... .I know it's not easy. Eventually you'll find a way to make peace with it all. focus on your needs.

[Highlander]

Hi Committed,

I agree with sunnydaysahead - "it depends on how open minded and understanding they are".  My family found out about my BPDh's diagnosis as quickly as I could jump on the phone & tell them.  They were very much relieved there was a name for my husbands behavior and specific treatment - maybe, one day, their daughter will finally be in a happy, healthy and a non-abusive relationship!

For his family (FOO), it was a very different story. We talked first about what the different reactions may be with his FOO and decided against telling anyone except his grandmother (who had been incredibly supportive of us and could keep the secret).  We thought then that his family would research into the disorder and research causes ie: environment during childhood factor & begin to react negatively to it, ending in them disagreeing with diagnosis and causing us more grief (like they had done many times in the past).

Therefore, BPDh waited over a year after the first 'unofficial diagnosis' & told them after the 'official diagnosis'.  As it turned out, they accepted the diagnosis but we believe they really haven't looked into it too much, thus the alarm bells haven't gone off in their heads as to them having something to do with it (NB: I know that not in all cases parents are the major factors, but in this case, they most definitely are).

[Vindi]

yes openmindedness is key... .i know my family and brother and sis, would have no clue about BPD and would just judge and ask why? my family is very judgemental... .

You have to decide what you want to do, tell them everything, or only what you want. Its your choice and maybe put it out that you are not looking for answers or help from them, just stating the facts.

i wish you strenght with your sister and hope things come to terms with your sis & hubby.