Poor Memory - Is this why lessons aren't learnt from the past?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys,

The title says it all really. My bf has a terrible memory. He says his memory has a three month span. I can vouch for this - it's really very bad. He can paint someone black and then three months later he doesnt remember the details so they are white again. He can remember things with prompting though.

Anyway - this seems to be so common across these boards that I even wonder if it should be one of the BPD criteria!

So do you think a pwBPD's poor memory is a reason that lessons aren't learnt from the past? Or if they are learnt at the time perhaps the poor memory is why the lessons aren't retained?

[connect]

Hi guys,

The title says it all really. My bf has a terrible memory. He says his memory has a three month span. I can vouch for this - it's really very bad. He can paint someone black and then three months later he doesnt remember the details so they are white again. He can remember things with prompting though.

Anyway - this seems to be so common across these boards that I even wonder if it should be one of the BPD criteria!

So do you think a pwBPD's poor memory is a reason that lessons aren't learnt from the past? Or if they are learnt at the time perhaps the poor memory is why the lessons aren't retained?

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[committed]

I don't think it is that people with BPD actually have poor memory. I think they just block out situations/people who make them feel uncomfortable or bad about themselves. it's much easier for them to deal with it... .if they don't deal with it. The are emotionally unable to handle their feelings.

[Cipher13]

I agree with committed. My uBPDw has a so so pretty good memory at times when it comes to remebering things that are good or happy. Now when it comes to the negative bad feelings the mind of an elephant comes out and its as crystal as if it is happening right now even  the situation happend 10 years ago.

[CatBlack]

Mine seems to remember feelings but not events - we've had numerous fights where he has accused me of doing something in the past to make him feel bad, and he'll go into detail about how terrible he felt at the time, but when I ask him to tell me what I actually did, he has no idea. It's like he remembers feeling bad, so he assumes I must have done something to make him feel that way even if he doesn't remember what it was.

[Stamp]

My partner seems to be exactly like what CatBlack describes.  She remembers that we argued, or that she lost her temper, but she clearly doesn't remember the actual episode and seems to assume that I must have done something wrong.  She is does not admit that she's forgotten, she has a number of coping mechanisms for covering up the clear lack of memory.  It took me a long time to realize what was really going on.

[maryy16]

Connect, I think you may be on to something here. My H has terrible memory, as well.  And I mean for every-day things like remembering people's names, street names, etc.  BUT he also will forget bad situations and arguments, which may be due to him blocking out negative things.

He also seems to not be able to process more than one thing at a time.   For instance, a simple thing like giving directions.  I cannot say "turn left at the next stop sign and then turn right at the next light".  He gets very confused and gets it all mixed up, which then leads to him yelling at me for "saying everything in a confusing way" or something to that effect.

Maybe this is part of their problem for never being able to move forward.  I never thought about it that way... .but it makes perfect sense. 

[CatBlack]

Mine also is terrible with directions - he seems completely unable to hold a map in his head in order to navigate; he can only find his way around by landmarks. We live in a city that is laid out on a grid and he still hasn't figured out what it means that the numbered streets run north-south and the named ones run east-west. If I tell him to go to "3rd and Market" I have to tell him exactly how to get there because he just doesn't quite grasp that 3rd street will always be right after 4th and right before 2nd. This makes him sound sort of stupid, which he isn't at all; he just doesn't get maps. I hadn't thought of that as a BPD thing, just a "him" thing, but I wonder if it goes along with cognitive quirks like that.

[connect]

My bf does remember having big arguments months ago. He doesnt remember what they were about though either - just that he felt bad so they must have been caused by me and therefore my fault.

He also gets very overwhelmed with more than one thing happening at once ie if he is playing a computer game and I talk to him he can't listen to me too and gets agitated.  Another time he stormed out of the house as he was doing some DIY and his mother asked him a question at the same time - he said there was too much information going into his head.

I keep forgetting this as I don't have an issue with these things myself.

I have also noticed that his regulated side is better at remembering things that happened in the past when he was regulated. His dysregulated side remembers past dysregulated things better. The two "sides" don't seem to have access to the same memories in a way.

[maryy16]

I cannot talk to my H either when he is doing something else.  He doesn't actually get mad if I do talk to him, he just can't remember later on what I told him. I have found that the best time for me to talk to him about something is when we go out to dinner.  At that time, then he has nothing else going on and he has to look at me and pay attention to what I am saying.  When I tell him things over dinner, he seems to remember without a problem.

I, myself, am a multi-tasker, so, I too have to remember that he cannot handle too many things at once. 

I used to get so angry with him early on in our marriage because he cannot actually do more than one thing per day.  For instance, if he does yardwork, he's done for the day.  He can't come inside and take on another project, no matter how small.

I guess maybe with their black/white and all-or-nothing thinking, that extends to everything they do... .just one thing at a time. 

[Seashells]

Hi Connect! 

So, you deal with this re-writing history too?  .  I think sometimes it has to do with current feelings = facts to them and they can't hang onto stuff so they make the facts "fit" their current feelings.

And sometimes I feel it's a factor when I'm being FOG'd as well.

My pwBPD lives very much in the present and doesn't hold onto the "larger view" based upon things in the past.  This has both good and bad aspects I think.   

He also gets stressed or flustered with too many things at once.  As time goes on I do as well though, I was a much better multi tasker in my past than I am currently.