Feel bad for the ex?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Having recently broken up with my uBPDgf, I'm actually doing quite well as far as us breaking up. I find myself constantly researching BPD. I guess I feel for her. I don't think her friends or family really know. The ones that see something just say she's crazy. It's like her only support is a new guy then a new guy then a new guy.

I may or may not ever see or speak to this woman ever again. Even if I do, she barely admits there's anything going on with her and certainly isn't looking to get any help. I guess it just makes me feel good to know I'm trying to understand what she's gong through even if she doesn't know I'm doing it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this. Thoughts?

[willbegood]

Having recently broken up with my uBPDgf, I'm actually doing quite well as far as us breaking up. I find myself constantly researching BPD. I guess I feel for her. I don't think her friends or family really know. The ones that see something just say she's crazy. It's like her only support is a new guy then a new guy then a new guy.

I may or may not ever see or speak to this woman ever again. Even if I do, she barely admits there's anything going on with her and certainly isn't looking to get any help. I guess it just makes me feel good to know I'm trying to understand what she's gong through even if she doesn't know I'm doing it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this. Thoughts?

[anystar]

since leaving my uBPD bf, I feel the same way! I'm doing better than I expected post-breakup but have been thinking a lot about his wellbeing. I suppose we continue to empathize with them because we still care, even after all the intense conflict we've endured at their hands. of course we would like to see them healthier and happier but like you said, if "she's certainly isn't looking to get any help," there's nothing to be done except let her go and work on improving your life which is now entirely yours.

doing research on BPD is comforting for me because the more I read, the more sure I am that BPD was the problem and I was right to leave. I'll come across a phrase or a testimonial that articulates EXACTLY what I felt/went through and feel relieved and validated. my ex is still trying to contact me and hoping to get back together and one day soon I'm going to have to say NO and just hope he sends me my stuff back. coming on this board is the only thing that helps manage the intense dread I feel about that coming conversation.

[heartandwhole]

I guess it just makes me feel good to know I'm trying to understand what she's gong through even if she doesn't know I'm doing it.

willbegood,

Your research into BPD and trying to understand what your ex is going through shows your caring nature, and will definitely help in the healing process.  It's great that you are doing so well.  

I feel enormous compassion for my pwBPD, even though his actions triggered so much pain in me.  Understanding his behavior in the context of BPD allows me to understand and feel compassion for myself as well.

[willbegood]

Yeah I didn't even know anything about BPD until recently. Then I started reading articles and I was like "WOW"!

I do still care for my ex. The articles and videos really did help a lot. Before I knew about BPD, the things she said to me when she was mad, I was constantly asking her why would she ever say such things to me. And now I understand there was another source where the pain and anger came from. So even though there was intense conflict, I can't hate her for it. But a line, for what is acceptable, had to be drawn.

Also with my ex I can see exactly where the issues come from. Her father was very abusive and pushed her too hard. And he died of cancer in her 20's. Maybe that's part of the reason I care. Because there's not much of a mystery as to what's causing her issues.

[bpdspell]

Caring for our ex's and feeling compassionate for a person who is mentally sick is a healthy character trait to have. We might not ever understand what it's like to walk in their shoes but learning about their mental disability and how they struggle with it certainly helps us to depersonalize their actions towards us.

It took a while for me to arrive at place of compassion for my ex because I was too consumed with my own pain (from my breakup & my childhood programming); but I now have deep compassion for him because I see now how much he suffers.

BPD is serious mental disorder that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Since you're early out of the breakup I do suggest a word of caution because you may still be very vulnerable. Do not confuse your compassion for her disorder with a fantasy like belief that you can now rescue her because you "understand" your ex better.

There are many of us on here who want to "fix and repair" our ex's so that they can be better for us and rescue us from our own pain. But this in itself is a selfish act.

Spell

[Jadam12]

Wow, I went through the exact same process for my girlfriend undiagnosed but definitely on the BPD spectrum.  In the last few months of our 7 year relationship my therapist asked if she had ever been diagnosed Borderline and I said she had briefly mentioned about being Bi-Polar and having an anxiety disorder.  He felt Bi-Polar didn't fit my experience and thought general anxiety was an understatement.


Anyway, researching BPD  and coming to this discussion board has made a huge difference for me.  I have enormous empathy for her and feel so much better for myself.

Thanks for sharing.

[nolisan]

I certainly went though a stage of intense reading on BPD. I knew virtually nothing about it until my T said that what she sounded like.

My research lasted about 4-5 months. But slowly I started to feel like I knew all I needed to know. She was long gone and I was happy their was no contact. I now knew the warning signs to avoid another BPD.

I started to work on my own stuff / inventory. My childhood abandonment issues especially. That's where my healing really took root.

I still think and feel for her occasionally but it is not obsessive like in the early days - I'm learning to care about myself. I am Job #1 right now and I'm worth the effort.

[willbegood]

I think mine is long gone this time also. This break up has been a roller coaster for me. I think we both know this is the end for us. Even though she's BPD I think she realized this was the end game for us.

[Ironmanrises]

I feel bad for my exUBPDgf too... .

But... .

It doesn't change anything at the end.

She doesn't feel any remorse whatsoever of having hurt me twice.

Feeling bad for your ex is fine.

She cannot/will not/does not/ feel that for you.

Stay strong.

[willbegood]

True! I'm feeling less and less bad each day.

[Jadam12]

The way I see it, having empathy for someone is different than wanting to fix their lives or even sympathy (feeling sorry for them).

You can be empathetic while recognizing how much you've been hurt too. In fact, the empathy helps to take away the hurt as it helps one realize most of what was done or said to you was never true in the first place. It was really their own projections about themselves.

[Learning_curve74]

For me, at first while I was still in the relationship, learning as much as I could about BPD was about trying to "save" my exBPDgf and make our relationship work. In the end, learning as much as I could about BPD and examining our relationship clearly was what led me to break it off with her. And now that I'm working on fully detaching and healing myself, still exploring BPD helps me depersonalize her actions towards me and helps me avoid the "what ifs" and wishful thinking.

While I can never fully experience or fully understand what it is like to be a pwBPD, it is possible to have empathy for my BPDex by attempting to understand how she sees life through her BPD filter. Not surprisingly, when I try it makes me feel sad and empty inside.

[Clearmind]

willbegood, if I provided myself with as much kindness and compassion as I showed my ex (for way too long post break-up), I would have moved on a lot sooner.

You are Number #1.

[ZigofZag]

It helps to understand the madness and why, like a moth, we are attracted to the flame.

Having survived in tact, just about, knowledge aids healing and keeps us on the recovery road