Update

[wdone]

I haven't posted a lot in a while.  My bf and I are still living apart (I asked him to leave a year or 2 ago, when he wouldn't get therapy.)  He moved a few blocks away from me, and we almost immediately started couples counseling and went for maybe 6 months?  He wanted to stop going.  We have been doing the dance since--that we've done for about 6 years.  It feels we've gotten closer in many ways and worked through a lot and know better how we both operate, and in other ways it feels bad-like there has been so much damage and like he keeps crossing another threshold where intimacy is too much and he's going farther away.  But, it DOES all depend on the day/the cycle. 

A few things: I think I have realized on top of BPD, that he does have MPD.  I don't think I was able to wrap my brain around it and accept it before when our T told me that.  I've been educating myself more and trying to get tools to deal with that, too. 

I've been more aware of the abuse.  I've been going to a local DV agency and even spent some time in the shelter.  I'm exploring my history again in therapy around my dad and my upbringing and dynamics... .

The last time I saw my bf he threw shoes at me while telling me he hates me.  Our state had had a pretty significant natural disaster and he had been at the house with me for four days and his work was cancelled.  His T had cancelled the last few weeks.  He had talked to his parents.  He was aware of all his triggers and named them, but still kept dysregulating. 

He has been in pretty consistent therapy but not with someone who is is qualified or has good boundaries.  IMHO.  He's still not seen a psychiatrist.  He did text to say he does thnk he has a problem with anger and that he needs help.  Which felt huge.

As he was raging the last time, he was saying he never wanted to speak to me again, we were "over," etc etc. 

Because I have heard this so many time, I don't even believe him anymore.  But, there is a pit in my stomach and I don't feel like eating much, and I worry I'll run into him with another woman. He hasn't dated anyone in 7 years.  I just never know what is true, when he says it.

I have been focusing on many areas of my life and have been able to do so even in the periods when he disappears... .it's difficult as I get so depressed but I guess I have learned some form of detachment.  Creative and financial things in my life are really taking off.  I have solid friendships (but I always have--) I'm just learning to keep showing up for them even when he leaves and I'm in bed depressed... .

I am very sad and not sure what he is doing or if he will be back. 

Just thought I'd check in... .any feedback is welcome. Just be gentle. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Hi wdone,

It's tough having to go through the dance over and over, not knowing if this time it will turn out any differently.  At the same time, it's great to see how much more comfortable and how much stronger you seem now than when you had gone through it in past cycles.

I wonder how much of the pit in your stomach is from feeling that you don't know if he will be back, and how much of it may be from you trying out a new behavior -- the one where you let him do whatever he chooses to do, while you take care of yourself.  Either way, I'm sure it feels bad, and I'm sorry about that, even though you are doing the right thing.

Along with the detachment that you've learned, remember too that only he can decide what he wants to do.  You have no control over him, his choices, or his actions.  You do have control over what you do.  I suppose this is the radical acceptance part.  Keep focusing on you and what you need -- creative and financial parts, friendships, etc.

Despite the pit in your stomach, it sounds like you're doing rather well.

 

[Seashells]

Thanks for posting this, I'm evaluating where I'm at and it sounds very familiar to me.  I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's helpful to others as well to be reminded of how this can be a very long road of back and forth progress.

I hope you stay strong and find peace with it, I know it can be very hard.

[Grey Kitty]

  Sorry to hear what your bf is doing. Hang in there, you are stronger than you know.

Two questions:

1. How long ago was the last fight / last contact?

When you say

I am very sad and not sure what he is doing or if he will be back. 

2. What do you want or hope he will do?

[wdone]

Hi Grey Kitty! It had been about two weeks I think...

I was hoping he was getting help and coming back... .

Thanks for saying I am stronger than I know.  That brought tears to my eyes and I do forget.

 Sorry to hear what your bf is doing. Hang in there, you are stronger than you know.

Two questions:

1. How long ago was the last fight / last contact?

When you say

I am very sad and not sure what he is doing or if he will be back. 

2. What do you want or hope he will do?

[wdone]

Hi wdone,

It's tough having to go through the dance over and over, not knowing if this time it will turn out any differently.  At the same time, it's great to see how much more comfortable and how much stronger you seem now than when you had gone through it in past cycles.

I wonder how much of the pit in your stomach is from feeling that you don't know if he will be back, and how much of it may be from you trying out a new behavior -- the one where you let him do whatever he chooses to do, while you take care of yourself.  Either way, I'm sure it feels bad, and I'm sorry about that, even though you are doing the right thing.

Along with the detachment that you've learned, remember too that only he can decide what he wants to do.  You have no control over him, his choices, or his actions.  You do have control over what you do.  I suppose this is the radical acceptance part.  Keep focusing on you and what you need -- creative and financial parts, friendships, etc.

Despite the pit in your stomach, it sounds like you're doing rather well.

 

Hi! Yes, thank you... I think you have a point. It is hard to attempt different behaviors without some anxiety.    I have been continuing to pursue school, creative stuff... etc...

I think I have been doing better given this situation, and thanks so much for saying that. 

[wdone]

Thanks for posting this, I'm evaluating where I'm at and it sounds very familiar to me.  I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's helpful to others as well to be reminded of how this can be a very long road of back and forth progress.

I hope you stay strong and find peace with it, I know it can be very hard.

I am glad it was helpful to you--Thanks for the encouraging words. 

[wdone]

I really need support. I miss being on here.  I need it. 

It's been pretty much the same for the last few months but with even more intimacy and then even more threats and dysregulation.  So, more swings.  He's been very loving and more integrated (I thought) but with more episodes of breaking things and yelling.  He wasn't disappearing as much or for as long.  He was brining up moving back in, and cried when he brought up possibly having a baby together or not.  But, then, the breaking things or threats.  I did visit the local DV shelter a few times.

We had a very nice Thanksgiving with friends and a nice walk and card game.  Lots of laughter and connection.     

He then kissed me and left for the day, called and screamed at me an hour later,

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME, EVERY DAY! YOU DON'T GET IT! WHY':) YOU MAKE ME CHOOSE? AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH" 

This was after HE decided to make a call to his very abusive family to tell them he would not be coming home for christmas this year and that he'd be spending it with me.  It was a huge stand for him and I felt really good about it and proud of him and happy we would be together. 

I have seen him around town a few times in the car or from a distance.  We have been texting here and there, and he has ranged from being kind and loving to paranoid and mean to cold and detached, including "breaking it off."  But, we had been communicating.  He texted that he was going to his parents for christmas and i was very upset but when I next ran into him, he said he is open to being together and us both focusing on our stuff right now and maybe getting together when he gets back from  being at his parents around december 30th.  He also said he was "getting help" for his mental health issues.  I believe him.

I sent him a text letting him know about an event that was coming up for a group that we're both in ,that i had texted everyone about in the group and he texted back that he is "avoiding all things I'm at so he doesn't have to get a restraining order against me."

This is not the first time he has threatened a restraining order, but it just FLOORED me.  he is switching so quickly these days, and I never know the space he's in and I am so afraid of him and what he's capable of and of his illness... .

I am not sure if it's BPD, and/or bipolar and/or DID/MPD or/and schizophrenia.  My T thinks he has  a "paranoid delusional system" that he is creating, where I am the problem, the devil, to blame and that he must stay away from me at all costs.  it is really really scary and heart breaking.

I have been trying to let go and move on. It is just too scary.  I cannot risk him trying to destroy my life.  I can't trust what state he'll be in in any given moment.

But, I still deeply love him and am very worried about him and care about him and his health and safety.  It was suggested that I get the police or crisis involved. (He also made threats to harm me or himself around Thanksgiving.) I cannot bring myself to do that.  I doubt he would get the help he really needed.  And, He'd just rage at me.

I am practicing ALanon principles and tools and really trying to pray and let go and keep the focus on me.  But, I cry a lot missing him, worrying about him and not knowing what will happen next. 

There is a man who has been interested and pursuing me for months now.  I have remained platonic friends with him, but he (and everyone else) is wondering why I don't date him and move on from my boyfriend. 

This time feels very different, as I am struggling more to move on--really trying to, and also I feel more and more love for my boyfriend.  He said he is getting help.  I want to see if that happens.  But, even if he does, will it work? Will he get better? 

I am feeling desperate for support and guidance and understanding. 

[patientandclear]

Wdone, 

I've read most of your story, going back years.  I think I can say with confidence that this is how it's going to be with your bf.  What you're reporting now is what's been going on for years and years.

That has up sides and down sides.

The up side is that regardless of talk of restraining orders, disappearances, thinking that you are the cause of all bad things -- he always comes back.  So your anxiety about him being truly gone -- that seems so unlikely.

The down side is that it seems very unlikely that he is going to meaningfully change.  He's been engaged in support for his mental health issues for many years, though so far as you know, not in therapy particularly geared for BPD or any other condition you suspect might apply.

Intimacy triggers him.  This seems like a natural law at this point.  You guys achieve intimacy, and then wild things start happening.  But you want intimacy, understandably, so you keep going back there.

I think you have to assume it is going to be like this forever.  The highs and lows, the presence & absence, the sweetness and the threats.

Is that what you want to choose?  That whole package?  Because if so, it appears you can have that.

I think it will save you a lot of anguish to rule out the concept of him changing.  I know you want him with changes -- who wouldn't? -- but the hope for that seems to get you stuck.

What happens to your decision-making if you just assume he will not change?  What would you want to do then?

[yeeter]

Hugs wdone

 

Have you been taking care of yourself?

Keeping your health, eating, exercise habits up?  Do you have friends or family close that you connect on a daily/regular basis?  Continue to do your hobbies and interests?

I ask these simply as a reminder that its critical you keep these up.  You were doing well with them, but when things get crazy again its more important than ever to hold your own course, and continue to take care of yourself.

P&C has some great comments.

More hugs   

[wdone]

thank you so much p & c and yeeter... .

p & c, you always have such good insight and are probably right.  it really feels like he won't be back this time... . but, i am trying to look at the pattern like you said. 

in this moment, i feel like i do choose to stay with him, as i am in love with him and don't want to be with anyone else.  but, last week, i was thinking i need to be done and try my hardest to let go and move on.  i am talking about it a lot in therapy and she keeps reminding me he is two parts/two people... that he is "good" "nice" one minute and the other personality is all "bad" and "mean"... my therapist is trying to get me to see both at the same time--I always miss the good part of him.  i want to be able to tell him he needs to get help before i see him again...

i saw him at a 12 step meeting yesterday but his eyes were closed the whole time and then he left early--i'm not sure if he saw me or not.  i did call him and left a message telling him i want to respect his boundaries and feelings yet know those are always changing so i was checking in to see how he was feeling and what he was wanting and needing that day... and that i love him... i did not hear back.  yesterday was very difficult.  we were together last new years eve.  we had talked about getting together this one, too.

yeeter, i have been spending a lot of time with friends and doing a lot of self care--it's been hard to eat consistently so i am working on that. i've been working out and doing yoga and hot tubbing a lot.  i am starting school soon and honestly, not sure how i will do it... .

i'm very sad and this time feels different but maybe i always feel this way. i should go back and read my past posts... . i feel he's gone forever and i am so sad. 

thank you again   

[patientandclear]

Sweetie, having read your past posts, you DO always feel this way  .  I bet reading them yourself will be an eye-opener.  You've been around this track before.

He is not gone.  He is just gone.  If that makes sense.  You guys have 7 (?) years of this under your belt, don't you?  I think it might be useful to see that this is not an exception to your r/s, this IS your r/s ... . your r/s just has a lot of times in it when he goes away.

He may never get help.  At this point that seems overwhelmingly likely.  He has had huge incentives with you in the past & he still didn't.  If you set a boundary about not seeing him unless he gets help, I'd guess the most likely outcomes are: (i) you don't see him, or (ii) you violate your own boundary by seeing him even though he is not getting any meaningful help.

If this, exactly this -- the good and the bad as you currently know them -- was how it was going to be for the rest of your life with him, would you choose that?  Or would you choose to end it & explore what other connections might be possible with a romantic partner ... . or explore living without even an on/off romantic partner?

I think it would be really useful to see if you can answer that question.  Because with him, how it is right now is the only way you know for sure it can be.

[wdone]

Sweetie, having read your past posts, you DO always feel this way  .  I bet reading them yourself will be an eye-opener.  You've been around this track before.

He is not gone.  He is just gone.  If that makes sense.  You guys have 7 (?) years of this under your belt, don't you?  I think it might be useful to see that this is not an exception to your r/s, this IS your r/s ... . your r/s just has a lot of times in it when he goes away.

He may never get help.  At this point that seems overwhelmingly likely.  He has had huge incentives with you in the past & he still didn't.  If you set a boundary about not seeing him unless he gets help, I'd guess the most likely outcomes are: (i) you don't see him, or (ii) you violate your own boundary by seeing him even though he is not getting any meaningful help.

If this, exactly this -- the good and the bad as you currently know them -- was how it was going to be for the rest of your life with him, would you choose that?  Or would you choose to end it & explore what other connections might be possible with a romantic partner ... . or explore living without even an on/off romantic partner?

I think it would be really useful to see if you can answer that question.  Because with him, how it is right now is the only way you know for sure it can be.

thank you... .

this time, HE is saying "this time is different."  and, a lot of times when i run into him, we talk and he relaxes and "remembers me... " but when i see him lately, he does not talk to me and leaves... .   i guess, he has done similar things in the past - even run away or not responded or had the deer in the headlights look.  good reminders, thanks-i will try to remember all the times he has run away or shut down and come back.  i need to keep a better journal.

yes, i guess it's the same question as from years ago- does this work for me and can i accept it as it is... . maybe... i think so.  i have tried to date. i have tried to open up to letting go and to other men.  it never works. it doesn't feel right.  i love my boyfriend.  it is confusing though, as i have been getting counseling again from the local DV agency--  nothing makes sense and its hard to see him as he is as i dont relate to all the switching myself-- so sweet and loving and connected, so abusive and mean, so mentally ill and paranoid.  he is all of these... . something i am working on trying to be with 

[wdone]

i saw him last night. again. of course.  i went to a different city with a new friend to get out of here and do something different.  i walked into our destination and there he was (!), sitting right there.  it is truly bizarre how much we run into each other.  and where and when.  crazy.  when i walked in, i was so shocked, i just stood there, staring and then so excited to see him, smiled and he smiled and we shared this excitement and we both laughed, as we get how constantly we run into each other and how funny it is... . i felt good and thought finally we would talk and re-connect. i was so happy.

he stayed seated for about 30 minutes--gradually going from looking excited to looking scared and then stoic i think,  and then left, without talking to me. 

i sat and did not follow him... which i have done three time this week running into him (sat and not gotten up).  i made it another ten miuntes before i started crying, the pain so unbearable.  i miss him so much. i cannot know what his paranoid (?) mind is thinking.  i hate that i feel like a leper, or something "to be avoided at all costs" (what one of his texts said recently)... . i'm trying to remember what my T says, not to take it personally and to remember he is paranoid and delusional.  it is so hard to think like that when i don't think like that. 

i was/am so disappointed that we did not speak, connect... . i cannot explain the pain i am in. 

i did text him, (i waited an hour and paused and prayed and talked it over with my friend) a very kind, respectful text saying that i love and miss him a lot and asking if he was comfortable with any kind of communication right now, be it texting, emailing, or talking on the phone... .

he did not respond.  it really is heart breaking worse than i feel it has ever been before. but maybe i just forget this pain.  however, like i said, he doesn't usually run this much, or for this long, especially when we have run into each other so much recently... .

[Phoenix.Rising]

wdone,

 I remember reading your story from a couple of years ago.  You have truly been through a lot with your pwBPD.  I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.  I can feel the sadness in your posts.  I'm not going to tell you what to do one way or the other, but there are a couple of comments you made that would give me cause for concern:

I sent him a text letting him know about an event that was coming up for a group that we're both in ,that i had texted everyone about in the group and he texted back that he is "avoiding all things I'm at so he doesn't have to get a restraining order against me."

This is not the first time he has threatened a restraining order...  

I realize he is very likely mentally ill, but this is where I would personally draw the line- being threatened with a restraining order.  I don't think there's a need to explain why this is so.

... i was checking in to see how he was feeling and what he was wanting and needing that day... and that i love him... i did not hear back.  

... but when i see him lately, he does not talk to me and leaves... .

... and then left, without talking to me.  

i did text him, (i waited an hour and paused and prayed and talked it over with my friend) a very kind, respectful text saying that i love and miss him a lot and asking if he was comfortable with any kind of communication right now, be it texting, emailing, or talking on the phone... .

he did not respond.

I'm not quoting here to be harsh at all.  I'm pointing to clear messages from him that he does not want to communicate with you.

What are your boundaries?  :)o you want to let go?  If so, what is preventing you?  What are you afraid of?  I know you are hurting, and I do understand where you are coming from.  I really do.  I have felt many, if not the same feelings you are feeling, with my exwBPD.  But I am concerned about You hurting more than might be necessary.  Take care of yourself.  

Phoenix.Rising

[wdone]

wdone,

 I remember reading your story from a couple of years ago.  You have truly been through a lot with your pwBPD.  I'm sorry you are hurting so badly.  I can feel the sadness in your posts.  I'm not going to tell you what to do one way or the other, but there are a couple of comments you made that would give me cause for concern:

I sent him a text letting him know about an event that was coming up for a group that we're both in ,that i had texted everyone about in the group and he texted back that he is "avoiding all things I'm at so he doesn't have to get a restraining order against me."

This is not the first time he has threatened a restraining order...  

I realize he is very likely mentally ill, but this is where I would personally draw the line- being threatened with a restraining order.  I don't think there's a need to explain why this is so.

... i was checking in to see how he was feeling and what he was wanting and needing that day... and that i love him... i did not hear back.  

... but when i see him lately, he does not talk to me and leaves... .

... and then left, without talking to me.  

i did text him, (i waited an hour and paused and prayed and talked it over with my friend) a very kind, respectful text saying that i love and miss him a lot and asking if he was comfortable with any kind of communication right now, be it texting, emailing, or talking on the phone... .

he did not respond.

I'm not quoting here to be harsh at all.  I'm pointing to clear messages from him that he does not want to communicate with you.

What are your boundaries?  :)o you want to let go?  If so, what is preventing you?  What are you afraid of?  I know you are hurting, and I do understand where you are coming from.  I really do.  I have felt many, if not the same feelings you are feeling, with my exwBPD.  But I am concerned about You hurting more than might be necessary.  Take care of yourself.  

Phoenix.Rising

thank you so much... i get he is staying away from me right now and i appreciate what you quoted, and your point... .

i think it is easier for me to remember (or try to remember) that he has done this over and over and over,

and that he has never really meant it when he says it,

and/or that he is just afraid,

and that our couples counselor has said that he is paranoid OR staying away from me because he feels like he could hurt me and he is protecting me.

however, this is all crazy making and confusing and yes, i should stay away from him for now until he regulates and comes back... . i see what you are saying... .

i think i am so afraid that he won't come back this time...   i do not want to let go, and when i have felt like maybe i wanted to try, i always come back to not wanting to...

it is very hard for me to think clearly right now. i think i am still trying to make sense of last night, but as a friend said, it does not make sense, him leaving, him not talking to me... i keep trying to figure out what i did wrong or what i could do to fix it.  yet i know (or am trying to remember) that it is not me... . or my fault... . my friend (who is also in the counseling/therapy field like me) said it is too much to process... .

how can i hurt less?... . i am open to suggestions. i am going into a place of despair and utter hopelessness.

thanks

[patientandclear]

WD, my dear ... .

To the extent that your hurting is coming from a fear that he is really gone this time, I think our prescription of you going back and reading your posting history from the beginning will go a long ways toward fixing that.  When I first "met" you, he'd been gone for like 5-6 months.  Utterly gone.  NO contact.  When he'd see you around town or at AA he'd ignore you.  Run from you, almost hide from you.

Then you sent him a little overture & he sent you his message that he wanted to make "amends."  And you guys were off to the races again, until he left, and then the same thing happened albeit with him leaving for a shorter time, and then over, and over.  At some point I read your earlier posts and saw more of the same.

He really, really goes (compared to a lot of partners around here).  For weeks, months.  When he goes, he's often completely unresponsive, sometimes he threatens restraining orders, several times he's told you you were the devil (right?) and that he needed to stay away from you as if his life depended on it.

This same man "remembers" you when you reconnect sometimes, and then can stay with you for ... . a while.  When he does so he shows yearning toward normal relating ... . family, marriage, sex (though sometimes he says it would be easier if you didn't have sex).  But too much of that & he very predictably freaks out.

You guys have these HUGE loops. But you're on, like, #15 or so now.  Which means he's come back 14 times.  The odds that he'll come back again eventually seem awfully good.

I want to quibble with one thing  you said to Phoenix Rising -- you said he's said before he doesn't want to talk to you & he hasn't meant it.  I'd suggest he DOES mean it, but it doesn't stay that way.  I think your recent communication about communication respects that -- you ask if he's open to any communication now.  I do get why you wouldn't assume it is going to stay that way.  Always in the past, at some point, he starts responding to your overtures positively.  You have reason to think that will happen again.

The other thing I want to push you on is this.  I don't think you need to fear (greatly) that he is gone forever.

I think the major decision is whether you can tolerate this cycle.

You say in a post above that you think you can.  If so, and if this place is just a good place to vent fears until he comes back, carry on!  That can work.

But do read your old posts.  I think you'll be reassured that this is not more or worse than before.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi wdone,

I agree with P&C in that he does mean what he says when he says it.  But, as we well know, his feelings can change on a dime.  But what do his actions tell you (in the overall picture)?  Is the relationship getting progressively better or worse?  I know that mine got progressively worse.  I see a repeated pattern, which is often par for the course in a BPD relationship.

how can i hurt less?... . i am open to suggestions.

 

How can you change the way you feel?  I would read posts from people like Waverider, Yeeter, and Steph.  What I hear from them is Radical Acceptance and Setting Boundaries from themselves.  I believe solid boundaries would help with the way you are feeling, but you risk losing him for good (possibly).  I'm sure this is a fear.  It was for me.  If you lose him for good, will you be ok?  It may not feel that way, but I think you would.

So my main suggestion is to write some boundaries down on paper and stick to them, regardless of the outcomes.  This will show that you care about yourself, which I feel is important right now.  The people who stay and are still with their partners usually experience a great backlash after setting boundaries, sometimes for long periods of time, from their pwBPD.  There are no easy solutions, unfortunately.   

Sometimes I would delude myself with thoughts of magic solutions, or that my love would make everything right.  Not so with a personality disorder.  Has your guy ever shown consistent efforts with any lasting therapies like DBT?

Another question is what do you ultimately want from an intimate relationship?  What is important to you?  Do you even want intimacy?  Do you want children?  If so, would it be wise to have them with this man?  Wdone, you have more control over your life than you may realize.  You are a strong woman.  I wish you the best.   

PR 

[wdone]

Hi wdone,

I agree with P&C in that he does mean what he says when he says it.  But, as we well know, his feelings can change on a dime.  But what do his actions tell you (in the overall picture)?  Is the relationship getting progressively better or worse?  I know that mine got progressively worse.  I see a repeated pattern, which is often par for the course in a BPD relationship.

how can i hurt less?... . i am open to suggestions.

 

How can you change the way you feel?  I would read posts from people like Waverider, Yeeter, and Steph.  What I hear from them is Radical Acceptance and Setting Boundaries from themselves.  I believe solid boundaries would help with the way you are feeling, but you risk losing him for good (possibly).  I'm sure this is a fear.  It was for me.  If you lose him for good, will you be ok?  It may not feel that way, but I think you would.

So my main suggestion is to write some boundaries down on paper and stick to them, regardless of the outcomes.  This will show that you care about yourself, which I feel is important right now.  The people who stay and are still with their partners usually experience a great backlash after setting boundaries, sometimes for long periods of time, from their pwBPD.  There are no easy solutions, unfortunately.   

Sometimes I would delude myself with thoughts of magic solutions, or that my love would make everything right.  Not so with a personality disorder.  Has your guy ever shown consistent efforts with any lasting therapies like DBT?

Another question is what do you ultimately want from an intimate relationship?  What is important to you?  Do you even want intimacy?  Do you want children?  If so, would it be wise to have them with this man?  Wdone, you have more control over your life than you may realize.  You are a strong woman.  I wish you the best.   

PR 

thank you so much...  

what would a boundary look like?

i have an issue with him disappearing--that's the main thing.  also, i want him to get mental health help, real help...

i don't feel i am in a place to say "in order for me to stay with you, i need you to stop disappearing and see a psychiatrist regularly and do couples counseling... . " and to leave him if he doesn't do these things.

are there any other options for me to set a boundary if i'm not ready to say above?

[Phoenix.Rising]

wdone,

I am still learning about healthy boundaries, but one thing I've realized is that a boundary is about changing your actions/reactions rather than changing him.  There is nothing you can do to change him.  He has to come to those terms on his own.  You may be aware of this, but it's still worth stating.

You might ask yourself how important this issue of his disappearing is to you in terms of continuing a relationship.  It sounds important.  However, if you are not willing to exit the relationship, you might set a boundary to not pursue or contact him when he disappears.  Also, if you have codependent tendencies like I do this might be a message to yourself that are OK on your own.

If he re-establishes contact, you can re-evaluate where you are at that point, and you may decide to set a new boundary.  If his disappearing feels abusive to you on some level, a boundary is probably necessary in order to feel better.

Also, if you want to stay in the relationship, it would probably help to really think about what radical acceptance when it comes to having a relationship with a pwBPD.  It is unlikely he will change.  You can change, however.  The ball is in your court.  I wish you the best.

[Grey Kitty]

what would a boundary look like?

i have an issue with him disappearing--that's the main thing.  also, i want him to get mental health help, real help...

Regarding him disappearing, the only way you can protect yourself from that in a boundary is to not allow him back in your life if he does... . and you admitted you aren't ready to do this yet.

Boundaries are at least as hard a tool to use to get somebody to get mental health help, I'm sorry to say.

Things like raging (you mentioned it earlier) are very effectively handled by boundaries--you remove yourself when he does that.

I think the acceptance is what you need to work on--accept that he will keep on disappearing on you... . and coming back. Once you accept that he will continue to do this, you will better understand whether you can maintain this sort of r/s or need to end it to protect yourself.

I wish there was something easier than this path for you, but I don't know of it.

 GK