What's the difference between a co-dependant and caretaker?

[connect]

This may be the wrong place to post but there are more responses here than on the Self Inventory board so am hoping it can stay up.

What do you guys think is the difference between a codependant and a caretaker?

From looking at the web it seems as if they are talked about as two different things but I am yet to find a clear difference. I go to Coda meetings but they are not discussion groups as such and I am still unsure.

Anyone got any ideas? Or are they essentially the same?

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[musicfan42]

There's a lot of words used to describe the same thing: "rescuer", "fixer", "caretaker", "codependent". I've read of a "placator" role too-that children in alcoholic families can grow up putting everyone else's needs first and their own last, good at listening to peoples' problem etc.

I got bogged down with the codependent label (I did NOT like it one bit!) however when I just started taking positive action and really worked on solving my problems, I naturally gained a lot of self-respect. So my advice would be: focus on the solution as opposed the problem.

[Vindi]

i think codependent and caretaking are very similiar... .what you need to focus on is yourself and not the other person so much.

Alot of codependency has to do with "fixing" the other person, again we cannot change anyone, only ourselves and the choices we make.

[musicfan42]

I think the most important, anyway, is to look to how we can step out of this role into something more healthy  

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Edit: I cross-posted with musicfan42. Great advice on taking positive action! What did you do specifically?

It's nice to find someone else on the same page as me!

I found the following steps helpful for me personally:

1. Seek Professional Help

I realized that I needed help. I originally went to my doctor with depression and I was referred onto therapy that way.

2. Therapy

I explored Family of Origin (FOO) issues in therapy. I feel that therapy gave me a good foundation on it and then I felt confident in reading books by myself, trying other things out.

3. Al-Anon

This helped me get out of the "rescuer" role. It's for loved ones of alcoholics however I think Al-Anon, ACoA or CODA can be good for people stuck in the caretaker role.

I didn't personally find CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meetings helpful. I felt that it was too focused on victimhood/emotional martyrdom for my liking. I've read literature on ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) and I thought that it was too focused on the past-growing up in an alcoholic family. I realized that was important however I had already covered those issues in therapy and wanted to focus on the here-and-now in my life. I liked Al-Anon the best because it focused on the present-on giving the person tools and breaking the cycle. This is just my personal preference though. I appreciate that everyone has different needs so it's good that there are all these different 12 step groups to cater to everyone's unique needs!

I've read up on BPD and NPD however a part of me is resistant to labelling every obnoxious person I know "borderline" or "narcissist". I feel that some people are just difficult by nature whereas labelling them with a personality disorder is almost giving them an excuse to behave badly.

4. Taking Personal Responsibility

This is really key. I fell into the trap of blaming my parents, my upbringing blah blah blah however that got me nowhere really. The minute I realized "ok it's up to me to fix this", I started doing much better. This probably fits into radical acceptance and willingness in DBT. It's something that I have to do on an ongoing basis... sometimes I still fall into a pattern of self-pity and it is not helpful at all.

5. Good Attitude and Positivity

I think that having a good attitude is key-working on personal issues involves a lot of hard work and perseverance so sometimes it can be a case of one step forward, two steps back. That's just normal so I would urge anyone not to get disheartened when that happens but to just keep trudging on.

I also think that using positive words is helpful too-replacing "can't" with "can" etc. I also think focusing on your strengths as opposed to your weakness is good too. Oh and also prioritizing your problems. Focus on fixing one problem at a time and take baby steps as opposed to trying to do everything at once. Focus on fixing the biggest problem first and then work your way down. It sounds obvious however when you feel really stressed out, it's hard to think straight.

6. Learning To Trust My Own Judgment

You have intuition for a reason. I used to seek reassurance on everything. If I wanted to do anything, I'd seek a second opinion whereas now I have to stop myself at times and say "look I already KNOW what to do-I can do this... I can handle this by myself".

If you don't like someone, then you don't have to justify it... .just go with your gut instinct.

7. Thinking Before I Speak/Act

Thinking before I act... responding as opposed to reacting to situations. A pros and cons list can be helpful for this.

8. DBT Skills

I read the book "The Dialectical Behavioral Skills Workbook". I haven't done all the exercises in it however I combined that with online resources on DBT and it's helped me learn DBT skills by myself.

Very helpful for learning about primary vs secondary emotions. Also helpful for improving my assertiveness skills and self-esteem too.

9. Books on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy)

I found "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns helpful however there are loads of CBT books out there!

10. Learning Different Ways To Relax

I tried different relaxation techniques like yoga.

11. Focusing on Self-Care

Things like getting enough sleep, exercise, eating well, socializing, learning to take a break etc.

12. Workshop section on this website

I read through all the threads just to get an idea of the material.

Then I re-read the threads again and again, took notes on it.

Finally, I started practicing some of the lessons in my life. It really is all about taking baby steps... absorbing the information, reflecting on it, processing it and then asking yourself "how can I apply this information in my daily life?"

13. Reading about domestic violence

I looked up information online

14. Feminism

I felt that feminist theory gave me a sense of empowerment

[maryy16]

I see a caretaker as someone who tends to the needs of another person and a co-dependent as someone who is emotionally involved in an unhealthy way with the other person.

For example, if I had a chronically sick child, I would be their caretaker.  I would be their advocate and would take care of their needs 100%.  I would feel that it was my duty as their parent to take care of my child.

Now being co-dependent with a pwBPD, I feel it is more of a "choice", and I use the word "choice" lightly.  By this I mean, that while I understand that my H is mentally ill and I want to take care of him, I still have the choice not take the abuse.  I am not legally responsible for him and I can at any time walk out the door (unlike if he were my child).  But due to my own issues, I stay and accept the abuse and become dependent on him, whether it be emotionally, financially, or some other reason.

Personally, I am a "caretaker" with everyone.  I want to "fix" all the problems of the people around me.  And maybe that makes me more prone to becoming co-dependent.  It's such a fine line.

[momtara]

I would say that a codependent seeks out relationships in which they will be needed and give and give and give.

A caretaker may legitimately just be a person taking care of someone, not for any emotional need.  If your mom gets sick, you may become her caretaker.  If you go on to seek out people to date and are attracted to only those who are sick and needy, you are codependent.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Wow, musicfan42, that's a great list 

It's obvious you've put a lot of work into you personal development. I like what you said about taking personal responsibility and stepping out of the victim role.

Connect, sorry for hijacking the thread! I always find it interesting what other members are doing in terms of self improvement.

[Surnia]

Interesting question!

As far as I know the term Codependent has a much longer history and stems originally from AA realizing that not only the drinker has a problem but also family members who are trying to hide the problems of the drinker (eg. lying to the boss, neighbors and so on).

The word caretaker has not such history. I discovered it in the mentioned book from M. Fjelstad and I prefer it much more than co-dependent. Many of the values behind caretaking are good, for example "caretakers" are often quite responsible in work or great parents. But when they try to balance out the extrem world of BPD or NPD, it is often demaging for themselves and very unhealthy.

[connect]

Interesting perspectives - what you said Daylily is what I must have read in the past of there being a subtle difference between the two. So according to Margalis Fjelstad's definition I would put myself in the category somewhere between caretaker and co-dependant (with the emphasis on the co-dependant side). It seems as though certain people trigger my copdependancy / caretaking more than others and I can sustain healthy r/s's elsewhere. This r/s has really made me look at this stuff. It's hard to unravel though as I would only be co-dependent with people that I am close to anyway (bf's and some friends) so maybe it's all about triggers.  

I have always had a tendancy to put others first and look after my bf's but THIS BPD r/s has just burst the river banks with the flood of behaviours I am now exhibiting.

[slimmiller]

From my perspective, I think of caretaking as something we do for those that we love because we WANT to vs doing something for someone that coercises us to do something for them.

PDs are masters at times in getting us, even if we are otherwise very level headed, to do things for them that we would not do out of the goodness of our hearts otherwise.

I dont like the thought of being a co-depended even if it sounds like thats what it is. Although by definition, that is maybe what it is. Like many things in dealing with PDs, its more or less just a label anyways.

I like the idea of, 'regardless what it is, lets take positive steps forward'