childhood tourettes syndrome and PD parents

[pilgrim]

At age 50 I realized that my mom, now deceased, most likely had uBPD when I was growing up; she had been in and out of psychiatric hospitals but I didn't know that at the time, or that she wasn't normal.  And that my dad likely had narcissist traits.

I struggled with Tourettes as a child and got beaten and humiliated alot by neighborhood thugs as a result.  I retreated into being alone in the woods behind my house, where I was safe, and in books.  I think this sowed the seeds for social anxiety, which I still struggle with.  Being alone was normal and safest, and still is today (I divorced a uBPD after a long marriage).

Anyways, yesterday I was reading a book about two guys, each growing up with Tourettes, and in one way I'm more fortunate than them, because my Tourettes faded out during my late teens and early 20's into about 98% remission, and theirs didn't.  I was diagnosed late at 21, prior to that it was referred to as "pilgrim's habits," and a source of shame for me.

But the thing that blew me away as I was reading were the stories of how these two guys' families were empathic and cared for them, and comforted them in the face of this intractable illness.  They could talk about it with their families.  That's so alien to me and my experience.  I was totally alone with it, plus no idea that it was an illness with a name, just something my fault that I should be able to control.  My dad shouting at me to "just stop" (twitching) was more typical.  My mom's response when she learned I had been beaten again was typically "boys shouldn't fight."  End of discussion.  Problems should be kept hidden.

You know how when you see other mothers and fathers being kind to their kids and it just tears you up inside because you never imagined mothers and fathers behaving this way?  As a possibility even?  It's like a light bulb goes on and you gain some perspective on your own experience, though much grief comes with it.

I don't want to wallow in being a victim, I'm not, and I'm grateful for many many things, including this forum.

Just wanted to share this.

Thanks for reading.

P