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nona
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« on: September 20, 2013, 10:49:58 PM » |
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I fought hard to get away, ran out of money, my lawyer did not advocate for me, I "lost".
50/50 res. time in a tiny village where he is the town doctor.
big time parental alienation from D10, triangulated and ostrasized in MY OWN family etc. etc
textbook discard painted black alternating with "i still love you"s.
thousands of emails
the advice on here was so encouraging, I trusted the lawyer... .he couldnot have cared less.
no friends, no family, social services/child protection and DV chewed us up and spit us out. washed their hands of us.
we are too flippin stressed to drive hours to see counselors/psych workers, at great $$$$$$$$$expense and energy.
we are extremely isolated rural.
eventually I realized _I HAVE TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. I love my D10 more than anyone and noone else was gonna help.
One of the most helpful things for me was reading a book titled "brain based parenting"
D10 and I have lived in fight or flight most of her life. It affected our attachment and the chemical feedback loop of parenting in our brains.
i learned to observe my brain and emotional responses with our child parent interactions.
Ive learned to watch my brain dance between fight or flight and calm with UBPDXH .
Calming my brain became my #1 priority, and thats when I turned the corner in my healing and my parenting in this recovery process.
It is still the most powerful tool I have today.
Calming myself. self soothing.
UBPDX still cycles and blames/projects and rages and "loves us" like he always did.
His toolbox has not grown.
I am learning to react less, stay centered for us all.
Even take the good times when they happen.
The best thing for my daughter was getting my brain back.
Sometimes when I am forced to be around UBPDX too much , I backslide and have fatigue, confusion, anger... .
(PTSD symptoms) That means MORE SELF SOOTHING, more nurturing and calming choices, whatever makes me feel safe safe safe inside.
I give myself permission to rest and nurture till I am calm and centered again. Lower my expectations of D10 qnd myself.
practice makes it easier all the time.
after 9 months of applying this my D10 is WAY WAY WAY better.
when MY brain calmed... .SHE WAS A DIFFERENT CHILD.
this morning her dad was visiting, being generous and kind until the conversation was headed somewhere he did not want , so he raged and projected "you never listen, I cant get in a word edgewise, you always interrupt me"
I shrugged.
he left and returned seconds later apologizing to D10 "for yelling" not to me... .
later, On the way to school, I commented "too bad dad got so unhappy, that was a nice visit"
D10 tells me " well, you interrupted him"
9 months ago that comment would have unhinged me.
I would have felt all the fear from the parental alienation he practices regularly.
today it's ok. she has a 10 year old brain. she has lived BPD crazy all her life. she has fleas.
I am here and solid , that is how she coped today... .I dont have to change or fear.
I understand he will be back again and do some nice things and some crazy things and do it again. and we will be OK. again.
focusing on the positives and responding with a calm brain and AUTONOMIC nervous system is the MOST powerful thing I have control of that helps us all !
but we went through HELLLLLLLLLLL until now.
plenty of posts to refer to LOL!
when in hell... .keep walking... .you'll make it
peace
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