Divorced

[Awakecj]

I'm officially divorced as of last Wednesday from my HWBPD. It has been an extremely difficult and painful marriage, the last 1 and a half of being separated seemed to be the hardest. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, sometimes feeling like I was finally progressing only to have sudden bouts of depression and hopelessness. I thought the divorce would make me feel better, ending the 33 year marriage but actually I feel worse as the loss of my "family" dream is permanent.

I believe I was holding out hope for all the bad stuff to go away and we would get back together. It has been an unrealistic hope, part of my bigger picture of denial I suppose but I'm struggling right now. I know I need to keep focusing on building a new life but it's the old one I wanted and still want, my "family", as unhealthy as it was. My heart is broken, don't know if it will ever mend.

[Surnia]

I hear your sadness, Awakecj 

33 years are such a long time, so it is really hard. It will get better, believe me. It needs time.

Its important to grieve also the unrealistic dreams... .

We are here for you!

[theirdad]

Awakecj I think I understand how you feel.  My divorce will be final within a week or so.  It was a 5 yr RS with a short-lived marriage at the end.  Despite intellectually knowing how toxic it was, how bad it was, the finality of divorce hurts deep.  My stbxw and I have two small children.  When you say "... .I wanted and still want, my "family", as unhealthy as it was... " I can understand that.  As irrational as I know it to be, I feel the same way.  I have to believe for myself, and for you as well, that this will pass.  Perhaps it's a matter of grieving the real loss of a fantasy.  Best to you and warm thoughts

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Awakecj (and theirdad), please hang in there. 

I can only imagine 33 years of marriage and the hopes and dreams that kept you in it. And now it's like the death of both the marriage and the hopes you had for it. My therapist told me no matter how bad the relationship was, this is still a time of grieving after it's over.

You just have to hang in there and get through the process of grieving. 

[hardhabit2break]

I am in the midst of a divorce from my uBPD/H of 28 years, together for 31 years. I know what you mean when you talk about the pain of the loss of your "family". Wishing the bad stuff could go away is a wish of mine as well. Why couldn't he just be thankful for our wonderful family and live a normal life.  Though I am doing okay most times, the nights and mornings are tough and painful. Just this morning I wanted to call him and tell him what a piece of crap he is for doing what he did to his family. He leaves and stays at his girlfriends for 3 or 4 nights over the weekend. Truth is, and it is so hard to accept, he just doesn't care. Ouch! That hurts... .a lot!

Our broken hearts will mend we just have to go through all this painful stuff to get to that point. I try to keep focused on the good I have in my life, but the hurtful stuff does creep in.  My heart goes out to you and I hope it gets easier with time.

[123Phoebe]

Hang in there, Awakecj

Processing our dreams from reality is quite the feat and it takes a lot of time to sort through it all.  It isn't all gloomy gray, but every color of the rainbow with just as many emotions to deal with and heal.  Your family is still around, you have beautiful children; the backdrop of your fantasy life has been replaced with reality, is all...   And a happier, healthier reality awaits... .

When the divorce was final, as a treat to myself I had new kitchen countertops installed.  Something I had wanted for years, but didn't take precedence over exH's 'wants'.  It felt really good doing something splurgy for myself

Is there something you've been wanting to do that has been put on the back burner?

The 'finality' of 33 difficult and painful years together will be replaced with the celebration of a brand new life!

Be good and kind and gentle with yourself on the way there... .


   

[ramble on]

One more month until my udBPDw moves out and life can start anew. Its been a long 25 years since I bought the ticket for the roller coaster ride. Looking forward to getting back on firm ground again.

[Awakecj]

Thank every single one of you for your kind words. Throughout this process, I was assuming just getting away from my ex would have given me such relief and freedom. At times it did but the long term and escalating grieving was not expected so it feels like just another blindside.

I've fought hard to keep my sanity, I exercise regularly, try to get good sleep, spend time with my kids and grandkids but each thing I do is an act of forcing myself. Many people tell me I'm doing great and they promise I will be happy one day. It just takes time. Phew, every minute of heartache seems to drag on so to think the grieving will take time is so scary and overwhelming.

hardhabit2break - I fight the urge to call, text, email, drive by his house every single day to tell him the exact same thing you mentioned. I think it is those thoughts that keep me connected to this pain but as hard as I try to stop, they keep creeping in.

[hardhabit2break]

Awake,

I have people telling me that I am doing great too. And compared to four months ago, I am. I know I will be happy one day, but that doesn't always make this part easier. Some days are better than others. Some days I just want someone to take care of me, take away all my troubles for a while, wrap their arms around me and tell me everything will be okay. But I have always been the one who took care of everyone else, the strong one. What happens to that person when they feel weak?

I need to get away from him, which I know will help somewhat. I can be myself when he is not around and that makes me feel somewhat normal again.  I am working on moving out since he won't, but I won't do anything til I am sure legally it is the right move. I do know that the finality of the divorced won't end all the pain, but is just another formality in this process.

I have stayed steady in the LC, which is hard, especially when I am weak and emotional. But I know any contact I have with him is just opening me up to be hurt again. He will manipulate me, lie to me, and say hurtful things.

Be strong and let's hope that with time the pain will lessen.

[Awakecj]

Some days I just want someone to take care of me, take away all my troubles for a while, wrap their arms around me and tell me everything will be okay. But I have always been the one who took care of everyone else, the strong one. What happens to that person when they feel weak?

I am working on moving out since he won't, but I won't do anything til I am sure legally it is the right move.

I have stayed steady in the LC, which is hard, especially when I am weak and emotional. But I know any contact I have with him is just opening me up to be hurt again. He will manipulate me, lie to me, and say hurtful things.

Be strong and let's hope that with time the pain will lessen.

Hardhabit2break,

I can't tell you how many times I have craved having someone wrap their arms around me, hold me, make me feel better & safe so I really relate to your comment regarding the same. I describe it as wanting to go home but there is no home to go to for comfort, there is only me. My challenge is finding comfort within myself but that is really challenging right now so when I feel that need for someone to comfort me, sometimes I just go up and hug a friend, my sister, etc. Although it is doesn't completely feel like going home, it helps a bit.

If you are married and own a home, I would recommend you consult with an attorney about moving out. I lost my home because my ex & his attorney did shenanigans to get me kicked out. Power goes to the person in the home.

Finally, I broke ALL contact with ex, blocked his calls & texts & returned his most recent letter to him. It was really hard to do, sometimes I think it has forced me to work through the finality or death of the bond with him and it has been hard. Good relationship or not, he was by my side for 33 year as we raised our kids and I feel like I've lost part of my own body. There was a sense of comfort in him being there, crazy as that sounds and the grief of that loss is hitting me hard.

Yes, hopefully time will help.

[Surnia]

a big, big hug, Awakecj

in the same time I am aware that a hug can never compensate your loss.

Sending you strength and you are in my prayers.

[toomanytears]

I know I need to keep focusing on building a new life but it's the old one I wanted and still want, my "family", as unhealthy as it was. My heart is broken, don't know if it will ever mend.

Awake, I find this so hard to read. I can sympathise with you entirely.

I am having a very rocky time in my 31 year marriage. He's moved out and I am desperate for it to get back to normal - whatever that was. I find I would rather cope with that madness than this current agony I am going through.

I have two lovely children and a great job but this horrible BPD drug has taken over. I can think of nothing else but my disfunctional disregulated destructive BPDh. Why?

[Jbt857]

Horrible for you. How hard it must be.

I'm in the uk and we have a different divorce process. The first part is done, and in 5 weeks I can file the second part to finalise it permanently. I know I'm going to struggle to do that. I'll be ending 9 years of my life and it feels so damn unfair. So final.

Hugs to you.

[Awakecj]

a big, big hug, Awakecj

in the same time I am aware that a hug can never compensate your loss.

Sending you strength and you are in my prayers.

Thank you Surnia. Hugs certainly help if only for a moment, thanks again

[Awakecj]

I'll be ending 9 years of my life and it feels so damn unfair. So final.

Jbt857 - My divorce process took over a year and a half. During that time, it was a driving force for me and a focus. Now that it is final, my focus has to turn on creating a new life for just me and that is scary and hard. My life is not the same and I don't feel complete without the ex even though he was cruel and cheated on me. I don't understand myself and I often focus on how really unfair this whole thing has been. Sometimes I'm able to turn my thinking around, stop focusing on the past and the hurt but it is generally short lived.

Good luck with your final step of the divorce process.

[Awakecj]

I am having a very rocky time in my 31 year marriage. He's moved out and I am desperate for it to get back to normal - whatever that was. I find I would rather cope with that madness than this current agony I am going through.

I have two lovely children and a great job but this horrible BPD drug has taken over. I can think of nothing else but my disfunctional disregulated destructive BPDh. Why?

toomanytears, thank you for your response. Your name really describes how painful BPD relationships can be. I understand your craving for "normal". I have to re-read some of my journaling to remember that normal was very painful. Or I ask others to remind me how bad it was and they remember clearly, I just don't I guess because I so desperately want to hang onto my life as I knew it. Maybe it is the illusion, I don't know and I don't understand.

I too have beautiful grown children and a solid job but feel drug down most days thinking about my ex. I know he has another woman or women, never stopped and I can't help but feel so rejected even though I'm ultimately the person who ended this. Agony is a good word for this experience.

Hopefully for both of us there will be brighter days ahead.

[Surnia]

Hopefully for both of us there will be brighter days ahead.

Yes, it will, for both of you. 

[toomanytears]

I have to re-read some of my journaling to remember that normal was very painful. Or I ask others to remind me how bad it was and they remember clearly, I just don't I guess because I so desperately want to hang onto my life as I knew it. Maybe it is the illusion, I don't know and I don't understand.

I too have beautiful grown children and a solid job but feel drug down most days thinking about my ex. I know he has another woman or women, never stopped and I can't help but feel so rejected even though I'm ultimately the person who ended this. Agony is a good word for this experience.

Hopefully for both of us there will be brighter days ahead.

Thanks so much for your kind post Awakecj. You sound strong although I know you will be going through hell. Your supportive words have helped alot.

[clairedair]

Hi awakecj,

it was my exH who left and returned many times - we even reconciled a couple of months after we divorced.  I had actually been fine the day that the papers came through (sad but relieved that the rollercoaster was over).  It was my ex who found it more difficult even though every attempt at divorce had been at his initiation.

The post-divorce reconciliation ended with him 'disappearing' again and I felt differently to before.  I was more angry and less forgiving.  I was more angry at myself for putting up with so much for so long and being 'rejected' yet again.  I definitely felt that this time I was grieving the end of our marriage rather than feeling devastated at the latest separation and him starting a new relationship (which was the pattern before).

ExH started a new relationship very quickly and was married within six months of starting to date and whilst this hasn't made life any easier in some ways, it has helped because (a) he's so loved up, we've been very LC and (b) I'm not half-expecting him to seek a reconciliation so I feel more 'free' to grieve and move forward with my life.

I find it really weird to be so detached from a man I spent all my adult life with and with whom I have children.  It's hard at times to believe our marriage ever existed and I find that incredibly sad.  Sometimes, I even feel sad that I don't want him back!  Nearly a year since we finally split up, I still think about him/the relationship most of the time when I'm not busy i.e. way too much, but am finding that I am slowly but surely finding a life that is more about me and the children and the family and friends who have been so supportive and patient.

I want to feel 'happy' and 'normal' again asap but I know that any 'quick fix' is going to backfire and that I need to see that this is a process and that eventually the times I feel whole and healthy will outnumber the times I feel down and disappointed.

awakecj - thanks for starting this post.  It's been helpful for me to hear from others who were in long-term relationships