Stronger bonding with one parent...?

[thisyoungdad]

Last week my ex texted me and told me that our daughter who is 3 years old was asking for me (unusual she normally doesn't tell me that so it must have been bad) and asked if I was available to stop by for a few minutes to say goodnight. We live within 1/4 mile of each other and I was just getting home from work so I swung by. My daughter was thrilled to see me, however when it came time for me to leave it was excruciating. She kept screaming she wanted to go with me, she didn't want her mom. She held on to me so tight, she wouldn't let me go. Finally we were able to distract her, I gave her a kiss and just left. It was at least a 10 minute ordeal though. It was so sad to be a part of, and frankly to watch the pain for my ex.

I was a stay at home dad until our daughter was 2 and we often struggled with her preferring me over her mom. She still does to this day in so many ways. I assumed it was because she was with me those first 2 years, but now as I am learning more I wonder if it is because she has been unable to form that attachment to her mom? Or rather her mom has been unable to form it with her? Her mother, my ex adores our daughter despite some serious missteps. So I guess my question is how to handle this as she continues to get older. I also assumed with 50/50 custody it would even out more but it doesn't seem to be. Anyone have any experience with this? I never ever talk bad about her mom in front of her, I don't text friends negative things in front of her, I work extremely hard to separate my feelings about my ex from the feelings for her mom so I can encourage that relationship and nurture it on my end. That may look like doing things like painting mom a picture or if she finds a pretty rock suggesting that she take it to her mom, which she always loves those ideas to share with her mom. Basically still including mom and that helps our daughter it seems. People have remarked in recent months that they see me being the more stable parent for her. I never really connected the dots I suppose. How does one help a child through something like this?

[momtara]

I am glad you got 50/50 and live close to her.

I wonder that, too, how to help kids through this.  I have asked that here and not gotten many answers - perhaps it's a question for a counselor who deals with child development.

[musicfan42]

It sounds like your daughter doesn't trust her mother.

I was like this with my father. I didn't trust him. He was moody-one minute he would be in a good mood and the next minute he would be in a bad mood. His behavior was very unpredictable and children really thrive in a stable environment. I preferred my mother because she was the more stable parent.

I'm unsure if you can really solve this issue. I didn't trust my father and nothing was going to change my mind-that was it as far as I was concerned.

I had a lot of arguments with my father. He'd try to discipline me and I'd answer back/retaliate because I didn't respect him. Or else he'd say something horrible to me and I'd retaliate. It was definitely a cycle of conflict. I hope that doesn't happen with your daughter and your ex because it was unpleasant for other family members to be around. I wish that someone had taught me assertiveness skills as a child. Your daughter is only 3 years old now however when she gets a bit older, I think teaching her how to communicate in an assertive yet calm manner may be beneficial for her. I know that there's books on DBT skills for children and that might help your daughter ease her emotional distress in times like this. I would get emotionally dysregulated as a child and I had no healthy coping mechanisms. I don't know which DBT skills books for children are the best however it's just an idea that might help your child.

My father also became jealous of the mother-daughter bond and tried to sabotage the relationship. Again, I hope that doesn't happen in your situation. I think that by listening to your daughter's feelings and asking her whether she is okay if she seems upset is a good idea to reduce the risk of this happening. There were open lines of communication between my mother and I and that's really what preserved the relationship.

I think that learning to validate your daughter's feelings might be the best solution here. I don't actually think asking your daughter to do things like painting her mother a picture etc is a good idea. I know that you mean well however it might seem emotionally invalidating to her. If you don't trust someone but are constantly told to, it can seem frustrating. I didn't get along with my father at all however I was constantly being told to calm down... "don't rock the boat" basically and that just made me even more angry.

Giving your daughter a "transitional object" might help. You could give her a teddy bear and say that she can sleep with the teddy bear whenever she likes-that while she has the teddy bear, you're always with her. Or words to that effect! I'm not a parent so this might be a bad idea... I'm not sure.

I think that you're wise not to badmouth her mother in front of her-she still is her mother at the end of the day. My mother did the same and I appreciated it in spite of my conflicted emotions towards my father.

I'm not a psychologist/expert of any kind so maybe consulting a therapist on this issue may help. I'm really only talking from my own experience and thinking back on the past and wondering whether DBT skills/validation may have helped me in my own childhood.

[livednlearned]

I think that learning to validate your daughter's feelings might be the best solution here. I don't actually think asking your daughter to do things like painting her mother a picture etc is a good idea. I know that you mean well however it might seem emotionally invalidating to her. If you don't trust someone but are constantly told to, it can seem frustrating.

I think that's really good advice. Power of Validation is an excellent book that helps apply validation to parenting.

So sad to read how distressed she was. It must've ripped your heart to pieces.  :'(

[Forward2free]

Even kids from two parent "normal" families go through the same kind of attachment to a parent. My kids developed it with me and I read so much into it giving the dysfunction with BPD/Nxh. However, my sisters kids have gone through similar events and there are no PD's involved. Speaking with teachers at daycare or reading parenting forums online let's you know that this is a normal part of development.

It's difficult to watch, but they are just beginning to learn that their world keeps going even when you're not there with them, and it can be scary. It might be helpful to keep structure - it's horrible, but if it is not your day to be with your daughter, you can speak with her on the phone to say goodnight instead of rushing over. Although it will still tear you apart to hear her distressed, she will be able to rely on her schedule and see you at the right times and build her own resilience which she'll need in bucket-loads as she gets older.

There is nothing worse than not being able to be there when they need you and if her mum wanted to play games, she could make it sound like you have let her down on another occasion.

Kids also learn what buttons to press to get the desired result. ie. if I cry and scream, dad will come home. Therefore I need to cry and scream a lot if I want dad home. It may sound harsh, but kid's don't dig too deep, they see enough on the surface and make their world work for them.

Just food for thought.

[thisyoungdad]

I usually will talk on the phone so that was what was unusual and when I first got the text I was 2 hours away and so she did have to wait for me before I was available. The entire situation was unusual really. Although we often have had this kind of problem in the past. And the ex has gotten very jealous of me and that was a big part of the issues right prior to her leaving. She said she felt like a bad parent because our daughter preferred me. She would say all kinds of bad things in front of our daughter, she literally ran off with her for 4+ days without any contact what so ever. I had no idea if they were safe, in the state etc. She would come into our time and just take my daughter from me if we were at a restaurant and walk out with her. She one time when my daughter was acting this same way ripped her from my arms, literally, then was screaming at me while holding our daughter back as she tried to grab for me. She has gone above and beyond in the crazy try to sabotage the relationship stuff, although in the past couple months not so much.

As far as validating her feelings, I have read many books on emotionally interacting with kids and so that very night when she wouldn't let me leave I sat down with her and we talked, and she told me she was sad and I hugged her and said I understood I was sad too etc. So I have been able to really validate a lot of what she is feeling a lot of the time and I can really see how it benefits her.

The only reason for the picture painting example is because two things, first she often asks to give things to mom, take things to mom or make things for mom and since I know for sure that isn't allowed at her mom's house I want to make sure she always feels she can talk about her mom with me or at least it is not a bad subject. It really seems to help her a lot actually and I have seen her actually open up more emotionally with me once I started to allow that space in our home. And I can tell when things are tougher and I don't bring it up then, and she will tell me no and I respect that. It is just tough... .

that part about trust is profound. I felt that way with my bipolar dad growing up. She is very sensitive to even my emotions, so I bet that could be part of it. Good food for thought.

[Forward2free]

I usually will talk on the phone so that was what was unusual and when I first got the text I was 2 hours away and so she did have to wait for me before I was available. The entire situation was unusual really. Although we often have had this kind of problem in the past. And the ex has gotten very jealous of me and that was a big part of the issues right prior to her leaving. She said she felt like a bad parent because our daughter preferred me. She would say all kinds of bad things in front of our daughter, she literally ran off with her for 4+ days without any contact what so ever. I had no idea if they were safe, in the state etc. She would come into our time and just take my daughter from me if we were at a restaurant and walk out with her. She one time when my daughter was acting this same way ripped her from my arms, literally, then was screaming at me while holding our daughter back as she tried to grab for me. She has gone above and beyond in the crazy try to sabotage the relationship stuff, although in the past couple months not so much.

Maybe it was more about your ex not coping? BPD/Nxh brought the kids back to me on Christmas Day about 5 years ago at 9:30pm, no words, just a text message saying meet me at the house in 1 hour. He didn't even say which house. He was going to have the kids sleep over at his brother's house and the kids were sad at bedtime - not unusual for a 1 and 3 year old. I think it didn't suit him to have to soothe the kids and when he couldn't, he drove them 50 miles back to me. In fact, I don't think he liked the perceived rejection ... .

Do you have fixed parenting orders?

[thisyoungdad]

We have a "fixed" parenting plan if that is what you mean. However she is a physician, as in medical doctor and so has a very challenging work schedule and I am often asked to have our daughter on other nights or days just simply because she is working. So we try to stick to it as much as we can, but I would much rather have my daughter than a sitter and so while we have 50/50 some months it is more like 60/40 or even more than that with this month being one of those months where I have more time. July I had a huge proportion of the time. That I am sure plays into it now that I think about it.

I had not considered that i was possible the ex wasn't coping. Due to the ex's schedule we had to switch a few days around so I had my daughter for 5 days then mom had her 2 days and I had her another 5 days, where it would normally be 5-5-2-2 it was 5-5-2-5 and I am pretty sure that the first set of 5 days I had her a day or two then as well... .basically a huge majority of 2 weeks. So if my daughter was wanting me or talking about me the ex may have felt rejected. She has admitted feeling a ton of guilt over divorcing me (not final yet) but that is all she says.