Controlling anger

[Montana]

I'm so mad I could spit fire!  My uBPDh has been in a drinking binge for 6 days.  Ending it with drugs.  He took a loan out to do it and then when he got paid went gambling. Spent 600$ over all.  We have court to pay. From previous drinking incidences.  Plus all the other bills.  Then today his 6th day drinking, wants me to have sex.  He has called me and my family, friends names. Been so rude to me. And left the house a complete disaster. (Which I'm refusing to clean up since I have been doing it for 3 years). The last time he did this and I refused he broke our tv.  He keeps saying I don't know why you refuse you know what's going to happen.  There is no reasoning with him.  But I guess that's part of the condition.  Is this really going to be my life forever?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[zaqsert]

Hi Montana,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.  It must be hard on you.

First, physical safety... . :)o you feel safe?  If not, do you have a plan to get yourself, and possibly the kids, to a safe place if things really escalate?

Next, onto emotional "safety".  Although you can't control your h's behavior, you can control yours.  It's probably good for you, and even good for your h too in the long run, that you let him clean up the messes he makes.  In the short term, however, it looks like you know that he will escalate his antics.

You set a boundary (e.g., I will not clean up after someone else's messes, If someone starts attacking me verbally then I will leave the conversation/room/house).  Your h then escalates his behavior in an attempt to get you back to your old ways.  This is an extinction burst.  Eventually, he will settle down and get used to your new ways.  If the boundary is one you want to keep then it's important to stick to it.

When we let someone cross one of our boundaries, it's normal to feel angry or resentful.  We enforce boundaries, in part, to protect ourselves emotionally.  I've found that the more I stick to and enforce my boundaries, the less angry and resentful I feel towards my uBPDw.  When I let her cross a boundary (as I did just a few days ago), I end up feeling angry and resentful.

Have you been through the lessons here on the Staying board?  The links are on the right of all the pages here in the Staying board ---->.  They have helped lots of us first to stop making our relationships worse, and then even to improve them, all by focusing on ourselves and what we do.  It can feel quite empowering.  I realize that may feel practically impossible from where you stand at the moment.

Work through the lessons if you haven't already, and keep posting.  Are you in T (therapy) too?  Individual T, separate from marital T, can be quite helpful too.  BPD is far from rational and can make us feel like we are going crazy.



zaqsert

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Montana

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. BPD with alcohol/drug abuse is a tough combo. We have members who have dealt with or are dealing with this and who have some great insight, like Waverider.

Zaqsert gave you solid advice. So I just wanted to add some links that have helped many of us here:

Arguing - don't engage

How to stop circular arguments

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

It's important to remember that when dealing with a disorder and/or drinking and taking drugs, the focus must be on how to protect ourselves physically and emotionally so that we don't get dragged into dark places with our partners. It means doing things that aren't necessarily fair, like taking time-outs and leaving the house even though it's our partner who is being unreasonable, but it's better for our well-being.

Do you feel safe at home with your husband? As zaqsert said, it's a good idea to have a safety plan in place, just in case you need to leave in a hurry. Many have done so here, me included. It's always better to leave the house that to stay and argue, especially when drinks/drugs are involved. You can read more about it here: Safety first

[Montana]

Thanks.  We do see a counselor.  He is awesome.  I do have places I can go. I have had to do that many times. That actually use to make things worse for me, as it would make him escalate, last longer and he would have to "revenge me" when I came back. But I have done it enough times and for long enough that he stopped doing that, and has actually accepted it when I leave! . It's nice to hear that some of the things I do are right.  It's trial and error sometimes.  The next day we had after "the event" was good.  He wanted sex I had a horrible stomach ache, he started to rage And he actually was the one to leave and went on a power walk.  He came back a lot better. I praised him.  I wanted to reward good behavior.  For some reason he thinks I like it when he does bad. Maybe in the beginning I would try to be nice to him all the time so he wouldn't keep raging.  Then I started raging back, then I stared leaving.  Bit he still has it in his mind that I like it when he's bad because of how I responded in the beginning.  I'm trying to break that cycle.  I appreciate all the support.  I do have one question.  I only get on here from my iPad because it's private.  But it doesn't let me watch the videos from it. Is there a app or something that I can get to help me see them. I really don't want to do it from his computer.  I'm afraid there will be some kind of trail I miss deleting.  Thanks