New here, I think my sister has BPD

[janedear]

I'm hoping I can get some good insight and information here. I have done some research and feel 99% sure that my sister has BPD. She fits the description incredibly well. The issue now, is that she is going through a VERY ugly divorce. I simply don't have time to tell the entire story here and would not want to subject anyone to reading it to be honest, though at some point maybe I will be able to fill it in. For now, I am just hoping to get some good information, and I also have a question... .is there any way, any approach, to get a person you strongly suspect had BPD to seek help for their problem? I read where it CAN be cured, and I want my sister back! In addition, she is really suffering now (her husband has her son who she used to have a very close relationship with) though her daughter still lives with her. They split custody (another piece of this very ugly puzzle. She often states she feels her son is dead because he refuses to speak to her or have anything to do with her - though she claims NOTHING went wrong with them, her husband has just poisoned him and brainwashed him. I have other information that suggests that it is not as simple as that. However, I am at a point where I never challenge anything she says, never make suggestions or give advice... .because earlier this summer we stopped speaking because she said some truly horrible things to me and it was affecting me, along with my family and my relationship with them. I realized I needed to set boundaries, and at the time that meant a break from her. We didn't speak for weeks, but then I began talking to her again because I know she needs me, counts on me, and I am truly the closest person to her now. Did I mention we are identical twins?  That further complicates things in ways most people, including my older sister, don't really "get". It's a relationship that is different than just sibling to sibling. I hope that doesn't sound obnoxious, I just believe it is true. In any case, after us not talking she chalked it up to a "misunderstanding" and never addressed the things she had said to me - ever. I let it go because I know there is NO point in discussing them, it will just start the war again. But I can't honestly say I've FORGOTTEN them, and I probably never will, they were that cruel. I have read though, that that IS part of BPD. In any case, i have rambled on enough... .is there any hope for me to intervene and try to get her to see that she might be suffering from this and for her to get help? Thanks in advance if you've taken the time to read all this!

[cska]

Dear janedear 

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles with your sister. It must be so hard for you, especially since like you said you share a special connection with her because she is your identical twin. (And no, you don't sound obnoxious!)

The good news is that you're not alone and you've come to the right place! Many people here are going through similar experiences, and you will be able to talk to people who understand exactly what you're going through, and will be able to give you valuable advice. Also, there are lots of resources on this site that will help you improve your relationship with your sister.

To answer your question, I will give you a link to a thread called: "How can I get someone to see a therapist or to get into treatment?". I think it will be very helpful to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.msg756060#msg756060

Also, there are specific tools that you can use to improve your relationship. Let me start you off with giving you links to two communication techniques: validation and SET. I'm also dealing with a person with BPD (pwBPD) in my life (my gf has it), and using these tools has helped me.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

How are things currently? Are you on speaking terms with your sister?

Best,

CSKA

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Janedear and let me add my 

Identical twins! That's so cool! and I believe science has shown a strong and unique tie between twins, so I also vote "no" on the "obnoxious"!

One thing that's really helpful to remember with a pwBPD (person with BPD) is that whatever they are feeling at the moment equals truth to them. That can take some of the sting out of their unkind (and yes, even abusive) words. Things can seem totally different to them the next day, which is hard for most of us to understand.

Like in the links cska has provided, we nonBPDs can make changes in our own part of the r/s (relationship) and that can often have an impact on the r/s as a whole. I know when I would respond to my uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband) with what I thought was a rational and logical response, it would make no difference--because they see "truth" through a different sort of lens. Their outlook comes from a place of fear of abandonment even though it may feel like they're pushing us away, and they also don't have a strong sense of self. Those things make them see things differently than you or I would.

So the best we can do for the BPD people we love is to work on our skills for dealing with them by learning not to play into their fears etc. And it can make a difference with practice! And it's never a bad thing to become the best "us" we can be anyway, right?

This has some good info too-- Facts About Borderline Personality Disorder

All the best 

[janedear]

Thank you both SO much for the replies. Yes, I am speaking with her now. Since the last outburst, I have learned to keep my feelings to myself unless they are in agreement with how she feels and to NEVER offer advice unless she specifically asks for it. One of the things she has called me through the years is judgmental - she has flat out told me this again and again, but also thinks anyone else who disagrees with her way of thinking is judgmental as well. So I've learned to just keep my advice to myself, even if it's solid advice, unless she asks. Sometimes she does - she has had some issues with her daughter acting in an abusive manner toward her and called me very late one night (waking my entire family in the process) b/c she was hysterical and hiding from her (her daughter is only 12 but stronger than her and had started becoming physical). My sister was completely hysterical and I was able to talk her down and tell her what to do to defuse the situation. She did exactly that, and it worked. And that's where the dichotomy is - she often does just that. She has come to visit my family before on her own or just with her kids and not her husband. Their lifestyle is really bizarre - at least to the rest of my family. There is no structure at all and the kids have suffered for it. More than once she has told me she is going to try to instill the kind of structure I have here in my home... .yet shortly after will turn around, call me judgmental, cruel, cold, etc.

For now things are calm between us but I worry about her b/c her life is literally falling apart and she is all alone in another state. She is supposed to move here, but I just don't know when that will happen b/c of the divorce and the hearings she needs to go to, not to mention that she can barely get herself together to pack up. arrange for school for her daughter here, etc. She DOES have a house rented here - I found it for her. Her husband is currently paying the rent (he legally has to) so she DOES have a place to come to. But it's been empty since the lease started mid April. She keeps asking me to come up to where she is and help her pack, saying she can't do it on her own, yet she has literally had months to do it. I know she is just overwhelmed but her needs are so intense. She is physically ill with many problems, her husband has her son in another state and he is (her son) refusing to have anything to do with her even though just a few months ago they were very close according to her. She claims her husband brainwashed him but I know there is more to this than she lets on, and she did admit to my mom that she had said some not so nice things to her son (though she doesn't admit that to me, she keeps insisting all was fine and her husband has him brainwashed). Her daughter is at one turn loving and sweet to her and the next abusive both emotionally and physically. Once again, she blames this all on her husband. The truth is something we just don't know - we haven't lived near her in years and so we only get one side of the story. Though many years ago I was alone with her husband and he said some things about her to me and MY husband that rang completely true - things we had NEVER discussed with him before. Issues regarding drug abuse, etc.

My overall belief is that my sister takes too many drugs (she is prescribed a SLEW of them for her physical conditions), she is somewhat delusional, and lives in a state of denial. I just don't know if she truly BELIEVES herself the things she tells us. I feel horrible b/c I listen to the things she says and feel awful for her, but at the same time wonder how true they are... .I just feel so lost b/c I love her so much and I'm scared for her (yes, she has talked about suicide before and recently). It's also scary b/c although we are identical twins we are SO different and always have been - in high school my best friend was her worst enemy! Thank you for letting me vent, and I'm glad I found this place. A lot of the recommended reading is really enlightening.

[DreamFlyer99]

No problem with the venting--sometimes it's when i'm writing out something I've been through that I start seeing things about the situation I hadn't realized before.

Have you read some of the information links yet? I think you'll see a lot of your sister's behaviors in there--the pwBPD (person with BPD) doesn't like to be wrong, their brain can have issues with the same executive functions part of the brain as the person with ADHD, their boundaries are pretty wobbly... .all those things add up to the incidents you've mentioned.

It's really hard to have someone you love calling you judgmental and other names, I know. The good part is, you can learn ways of communicating and how to protect yourself with boundaries, and lots of other skills that can help. 

We have a whole board that helps people learn to deal more effectively with a family member with BPD: [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board. You might want to write a post that gives an overview of your situation over there where you can get the benefit of the senior members with all their knowledge and experience, plus the input of other people who are in situations similar to yours. I just find it so interesting that you and your sister have always been so different from each other!

Anyway, there will be tools and lessons listed that will be really helpful for you, especially since it sounds like you'll be dealing with your sister more in the near future. And with the support of bpdfamily you won't need to feel so alone in trying to work your way through what seems like a minefield at times with our BPD loved one.

Here's to growing and learning!

[nightfinn]

Hey janedear, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I ALSO just signed up for this message board because I also believe my twin sister has BPD. We aren't identical, but have no other siblings, so grew up close. However, my taking care of her has gotten dysfunctional and more out of control over the years to the point where I am now withdrawing. Dealing with her is like walking through a minefield: if I'm not saying the wrong thing, I'm not remembering to do something else.

She has become impossible and after a big argument on Sunday, I finally clued my parents in on her borderline abusive behavior. I have become her sole pillar of support after a break-up. Having jumped from one relationship to another, she is almost 30 and just now alone for the first time in her adult life, and I think she's drowning in it. So she expects me to be thinking of her problems constantly and asking about them and taking her out, and if I'm not, or I'm doing it "wrong," I'm supposed to apologize.

It's exhausting! And I think incredibly more difficult being twins. I hope things work out for you!

[janedear]

Dealing with her is like walking through a minefield: if I'm not saying the wrong thing, I'm not remembering to do something else.

So she expects me to be thinking of her problems constantly and asking about them and taking her out, and if I'm not, or I'm doing it "wrong," I'm supposed to apologize.

It's exhausting! And I think incredibly more difficult being twins. I hope things work out for you!

Wow - I can so relate to what you have said. My sister and I are older, and she is in the process of a divorce now where her husband has custody of her son and she has her daughter. And prior to this happening she ALREADY had so many other issues in her life, and the divorce process is just exacerbating everything the to nth degree. Just reading up on BPD and being on this board has FINALLY allowed me to realize that while I can be there for her, I don't have to fit HER definition of what is right and wrong to still be a good person. She has made me feel SO horribly about myself b/c I have not "put her first" in each and every little things she asks, to the point where I DID to the detriment of my family and my marriage. It's horribly difficult now BECAUSE she is so far away and so despondent - my family believes she has suffered from clinical depression for years but she always says it's "situational". But situational is NOT saying how you hate your life, you have ALWAYS hated your life, you've NEVER been truly happy, etc. And she hints at suicide which makes it difficult NOT to "jump" every time she claims to need me. She is very much in need of intensive therapy and so is her daughter, but she operates on the belief that she is truly fine, and any problems she has, or her daughter has, she blames on her husband. Although I have pointed out time and again that he is no longer around and it is time for her to start living her life HER way, she always brings the issues back to him. In her eyes, she has done no wrong and her daughter's issues are ONLY a result of what her father has done/said to her through the years. She has NO self awareness. That is why I joined this group, b/c I simply needed help for ME to deal with it and I am also hoping to find a way to break through that barrier of denial so she CAN get the help she so desperately needs. Unfortunately, I haven't found the answer to that yet... .and while I read that people with BPD can be helped, if they refuse the help or refuse to even acknowledge there is a problem they need help with, what can you do?