she emailed me again...

[Depression = 72% of members]

hey guys... .its been a while... .

i'm been doing well. i'm at a stage in my life of good internal growth, peace of mind and control over my emotions, and altogether just really proud of where i am with myself... .

but, she emailed me a few minutes ago, and i always think its a good over to post it here. just for you guys to see, if you have comments, an analysis, or whatever... its better for me than keeping it to myself... .

to preface for those who dont know my story, i'll just give this year's background... .ugh, sorry... i dont even feel like spending the energy on writing it all out, i guess you can revert back to my old posts if you have any interest... .

anyway, here's what she wrote... .she also included 2 pics of herself:

"It has been so long... Just say hello... So my brothers house is ready by November in <town that i live in>. Today I ran half marathon w my little sister <name>... U would have been proud...

I hope you are well... Really miss talking to you. "


and thats it... .

also, this is what she wrote to me on july 24th

"Hi. First want To say sorry for writing to you, please do not be upset. It is funny I realize each day how much you had loved me and because from the beginning, I cheated on you and that cAused you much pain. Since then you could never trust me and rightly so... .I experienced this w joe. I could never trust him and I had always had more feelings for him then him towards me. Also I realized somehow I had always made you feel inadequate physically as I had always felt w joe.

Last few months I have gone on many dates and makes me realize that I may never find the connection I had w you. We could do anything together. We had passion together.

I hope you are dating someone amazing and each day to be the best day for you... .

I hope you forgive me for how i Made you feel... .

Take care, <name)

[fakename]

hey guys... .its been a while... .

i'm been doing well. i'm at a stage in my life of good internal growth, peace of mind and control over my emotions, and altogether just really proud of where i am with myself... .

but, she emailed me a few minutes ago, and i always think its a good over to post it here. just for you guys to see, if you have comments, an analysis, or whatever... its better for me than keeping it to myself... .

to preface for those who dont know my story, i'll just give this year's background... .ugh, sorry... i dont even feel like spending the energy on writing it all out, i guess you can revert back to my old posts if you have any interest... .

anyway, here's what she wrote... .she also included 2 pics of herself:

"It has been so long... Just say hello... So my brothers house is ready by November in <town that i live in>. Today I ran half marathon w my little sister <name>... U would have been proud...

I hope you are well... Really miss talking to you. "


and thats it... .

also, this is what she wrote to me on july 24th

"Hi. First want To say sorry for writing to you, please do not be upset. It is funny I realize each day how much you had loved me and because from the beginning, I cheated on you and that cAused you much pain. Since then you could never trust me and rightly so... .I experienced this w joe. I could never trust him and I had always had more feelings for him then him towards me. Also I realized somehow I had always made you feel inadequate physically as I had always felt w joe.

Last few months I have gone on many dates and makes me realize that I may never find the connection I had w you. We could do anything together. We had passion together.

I hope you are dating someone amazing and each day to be the best day for you... .

I hope you forgive me for how i Made you feel... .

Take care, <name)

[fakename]

so i felt like writing more, though i dont really know what to say... .

so it all revolves around me knowing better... .

i feel like i would want to try again with her, but i know better... .

i have no idea who she is as of now, i have no idea who or how many guys she's been with...

i dont want to invest my time and energy when i know everything revolves around chaos and know she could leave me at a moment's notice

i also really enjoy not having to be at someone's beck and call 24/7, and nothing i do being enough...

i wonder if her email contained manipulation... by bringing up her brother's house being done in november, which coincidentally is going to be like 5 blocks from my house... .

i also dont know how i feel about her saying she misses talking to me... .

i dont think that can be true given it never bothered her leaving me in the past to go back to her ex... .

i think, in the end, all this really is, is her not being able to find someone to date for the time being, and she just wants familiarity to help her get through her pain... .

i dont want her to start barraging me with emails, so i feel like not replying to her email is the best move... .

or i wonder if sending an email saying thanks for writing, i'm doing fine, but i really dont see any reason for you to keep emailing me and wish her the best of luck or something... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know your story, but you're here and they're all similar so I can imagine.  My take on emails like that is it's bait looking for validation.  Knowing what I know now about BPD, it's a shame-based disorder, and although they really can't help what they do, they do it anyway, cause a lot of hurt, and feel guilty and full of shame at the core.  Of course with projection and all the other tricks it will be all your fault, it has to be or their head will explode, but in the quiet times when they're alone, they know what they did and it hurts.  My take is she's looking for confirmation that you don't hate her, validation, and it's up to you if you give it to her or not.

Of course you are both the same people, so you know that any rekindling will have the same result once she gets triggered, worse this time since the last breakup is more baggage to the relationship and her fear of abandonment is increased.  I don't necessarily see a recycle attempt in her missives, but you would know better.

I've gotten a few emails and phone hang-ups too, which I have ignored.  It's easy to think, when she's being sweet and untriggered, that it could be good this time, but I know that's just fantasy.  I don't hate her, in fact I have compassion and empathy and want her to find lasting happiness and contentment, but I need to protect myself from the abyss of pain, so no, she'll need to find a way to make her own peace with what she did.

[Aussie0zborn]

Nice emails but it's the same old same old. At least you got an apology BUT... .it will happen again and again and again, as you very well know.

I like the bit about "we could do anything" - mine used to say the same. And ofcourse we could, but it was all fake and you often end up paying a dear price for that.

Nothing has changed except that as you say, "i'm been doing well. i'm at a stage in my life of good internal growth, peace of mind and control over my emotions, and altogether just really proud of where i am with myself... ."

Why would you change that?

[mannaguy]

My take is she's looking for confirmation that you don't hate her, validation, and it's up to you if you give it to her or not.


but I need to protect myself from the abyss of pain, so no, she'll need to find a way to make her own peace with what she did.

I'm with you.My ex wanted validation even when she left me.After a week I stopped trying to 'work' things out.Accepted & moved on.

Then 3 months later she calls wanting to 'make peace'.

Im like: huh?

was still in love but healing, and started seeing her again.

This time shes been arrested for assaulting me & there is a restraining order on her not to contact me in anyway.This NC is imposed by the courts.

I only hope I don't have to appear at the trial.Although I expect she'll get off with a slap on the wrists.

after a year? who knows? Thats when these orders usually dry up.

Be careful man.

M

[fakename]

hey heel,

thanks for writing... .

its funny how i'm still vulnerable... my mind is mixed on whether i should reply, and its like i'm trying to trick myself into replying by saying if i email saying that there's no need for us to talk, maybe she'll write more and say stuff to 'convince' me that she's fighting to have me back... .or something like that... .i am unsure yet my motives... .

anyway, i think youre right in that she is looking for validation... .she's probably hurting and alone and just needs a familiar love/affection from someone she could trust, rather than someone new at the moment... .

you say she's looking for confirmation that i dont hate her, validation - in my mind, i think i am the type of person who doesn't mind consoling people, if there is something i can do to alleviate some pain, then why not... .any other girls that i was involved with, if they contact me, then i am happy to provide them with some texting or emailing company, even if they are looking for more, i just think it'd be rude to shut the door on someone who is just looking to talk that i shared something special with... .

but the issue with my ex is, is many times we've gone through this type of recycle, where i tell her i can be here as just a friend and i sincerely offer just that, (even if i want more), but that isn't enough and she'll manipulate things so that i give her boyfriend/girlfriend type attention and then things just go full circle... .so i guess i'm talking myself out of responding with anything and just continuing to ignore her... .

i also just think its mischievous to send an email asking how i am, and attaching a couple pics of how she looks, as if trying to lure me back in a way that i'm the one who makes the advance, so she can always say i'm not ready for this or whatever else so she can just have me there as an option, or someone to tend to her needs, until she finds something better, or whatever it is... .


just typing my thoughts out... .whether its coherent or not... .but like i said, this is why its important for me to post when she contacts me

[fakename]

aussie,

thanks for writing... .

haha, youre right on it'll happen again and again and again... .and i know cause i've gotten this same exact apology before... .she used it after we were apart for a year and she ran off with her ex, joe... .

you're so right on why would i want to change the progress i've made and the state of mind i'm in... .i think thats the main reason i havent replied or reached out to her... .i really am happier without her and the drama in my life, i can focus on myself, though i did love the idea of her... .


@mannaguy,

thanks for sharing... .your story reminds me of times with my ex... .it also helps remind me that i dont want any legal issues or anything and i never know what could happen with psycho girl and her impulsive actions... .



thanks again for writing guys... .

[willbegood]

Hey fakename, I'm right there with you on everything you've said. We know it's the same ole same ole. We've already been on this ride and it's the same ride every time. Yet there's still a little part of us that wants to take another ride. Luckily there's a big part of us that knows tells us not to!

[Ironmanrises]

Her feelings for you are resurfacing.

As soon as you acknowledge her feelings... .

That is when the countdown will begin to the inevitable... .

"I no longer have feelings for you... ."... .line.

Do not reply.

At all.

In any fashion.

Those very feelings that she is feeling... .

Will ultimately disappear again.

With your heart as the price.

Stay NC.

Your future self will thank your decision for staying NC.

[winston72]

FakeName... .I love that your fake name is FakeName!  That rocks.

Thanks for sharing your emails with us.  It really helps to read your emails as I process my own situation.  I am gong to copy an email I received a while ago.  I am very sensitive to categorizing people with aspects of this disorder as "they" or "them" as though there is some monolithic force... .but it is uncanny how similar some of the communication/emails/circumstances are.  Please note the email I received after four months of absolute no contact. 

Dear xxx,

I have hesitated sending this for many months at the risk of causing any emotional disturbance. But Im sending it in hopes that it might be more of a healing acknowledgement of you, and us rather than a flashback of old pains.

I've felt compelled to send you a message to say how sorry I am for hurting you, to say that you were the most meaningful person of my life, to say that I miss you and support you and wonder how you are and what you're doing, to tell you how much I value you as a person. You are a wonderful man. "This city" is not the same without you.

Now, I responded to this email.  I am, as I think you described yourself, prone to wanting to be kind and helpful to others.  Of course this is a common set of traits for people on this site because we match up well with the BPD demands and dysfunctions.  But, for me, the energy it takes to make no response whatsoever is so distracting that it makes it worse for me than a benign response.  I am not recommending this to you, I am just describing my own reality.  For me, a modest response disburses some of the need to be a good guy... .the forced discipline for absolute no contact did not work for me in this similar spot.

I am wishing and hoping that you find and exercise the wisdom to do what is best for you.

[snappafcw]

Don't buy into it.

I got a similar email over 3 months ago now. Replied that Im doing well hope for the best for you. Got no contact ever since apart from her trying to fish through a fake account and send me a very impersonal sms message just asking me a question. She had a need she needed filling at the time so she contacted you. It really sucks because I'm still getting my heart around this even though my head already knows. It will never be about me. I'm just an item not a person.

[Clearmind]

Sounds like a letter of apology – what do you think fakename?

We could all receive contact at some stage - its what you do with it that matters.

pwBPD are driven by shame – my ex wanted to feel relinquished of the shame and because he couldn’t do it himself he asked for forgivness – however it was still about him.

its funny how i'm still vulnerable... my mind is mixed on whether i should reply, and its like i'm trying to trick myself into replying by saying if i email saying that there's no need for us to talk, maybe she'll write more and say stuff to 'convince' me that she's fighting to have me back... .or something like that... .i am unsure yet my motives... .

It’s OK to feel vulnerable. Contact stirs up emotions – I see it as a positive thing. It reminds us where we are in our healing. NC often doesn’t do that.

[fakename]

hey all,

thanks so much for writing... sorry for the delayed response, i guess it's just that i'm tired of spending more energy than necessary on this. but at the same time it's important for me to explore how and why i feel what i do, and what i should do in order to continue growth... .

@willbegood,

i think thats the best part of all this - knowing better and thinking things over rationally before next steps... its much different than how i used to just jump right into it again and again in the past... .thats something to be proud of alone. i guess i have more value for myself... .

@ironmanfalls,

its funny, but i think thats what it is... as she's alone, she thinks about who gave her a certain type of comfort in her times of her... .and then if i go back to her not only will her feelings start to fade, but she'll be looking for other people to fill whatever new voids her chaotic mind says there are... .i guess it's a matter of never feeling complete... .

@winston72,

hahah, thanks... .i couldnt think of anything, so i just entered fakename... .a bunch of people said they liked the name, but truth is, i'm not really sure what it means... .obviously others get a meaning from it which just goes over my head... .and i always wonder 'what does my name mean already? - everyone seems to understand it but me!'

the email you included sounds so much like my ex (sans the bad grammar and not as eloquent)... .thanks for sharing that... .what kind of response did you send yours?

i wonder whether i should reply to her still... .i dont hold any grudge or anything anymore though i dont approve of how she treated me. but i just feel bad - i'm sure anyone else she's been involved with probably just ignore her when she tries to reach out, and i think it would be nice to just tell her i dont hold a grudge or anything, though i wouldnt tell her i forgive her because her repeated actions are unacceptable, but to just throw out the idea that maybe she should work on herself rather than looking for others to help 'complete' her or using people as a distraction... .it's tricky cause i hear others have sent messages just hoping the best for them and it doesnt accomplish much, but i wonder... .i dont know... .this alone is just so much work isn't it?

@snappafcw

yeah, i remember a similar exchange i had with her a while back... .she contacted me, and right when she saw i couldnt offer her what she needed, didnt hear from her again til after she broke up with someone... .so that raises the question, whats the point of even responding to her

@clearmind,

i was hoping you would write since you have some familiarity with me... .

i guess it does sound like an apology, but the problem is, that she can apologize, i forgive, and then the same thing happens again... .its only a temporary apology because she needs the forgiveness or comfort... .

but maybe how it ends is my fault, in the past i accepted apologies, but always played a part in it progressing further... although since feb 4th, and since i found these boards, i never proceeded any further with any recycles... .

but in some way, i think, wouldnt it be nice or a relief for her to get a reply back from me just saying that i dont hold a grudge but i'm moving on with my life... .maybe gives her some level of closure? or that doesnt really work?... .





i guess i should add, since she's been gone, i've gotten myself into the best shape of my life, i am growing more confidence continually, i have more time to do things that i actually enjoy like rock climbing, cycling, reading, working on my own projects, etc... .i get to spend my weekends doing things that i enjoy (backpacking the adirondacks this weekend, tough mudder in 2 weeks, and camping the week after - all things i couldnt do with her in my life, or if i did i would have to wonder if she was looking to cheat while i was away) ... .i guess i get to actually do my own hobbies now rather than trying to piece together her life 24/7... .

[winston72]

Thanks for the comprehensive responses, FN!  It is a lot of work to sort this stuff out.  I would like to offer an observation that lots of your deliberation is about how a response would affect her, benefit her, how to comfort her, forgive her, educate her, motivate her... .I am going to copy some of your text below.  Of course, you know what I will say next... .what is it that you want?  What is best for you?  What is a "next step" that will strengthen you, encourage you, affirm you? 

The task of trying to figure out a response that creates the desired affect in her is, I think, part of the crazy making process that will not produce good results in you.  Mind you, I am writing to myself here!  It is such a challenge for me to do this.  And, I might add, I am not pre-determining that you should not respond.  I am a bit more open on this with the understanding that you do what is best for you.  This is just a must... .and is ultimately the most loving thing for the people in your life. 

But, FN... .the path forward will not come to light through conjecture about how to do something good for her.

FakeName

i wonder whether i should reply to her still... .i dont hold any grudge or anything anymore though i dont approve of how she treated me. but i just feel bad - i'm sure anyone else she's been involved with probably just ignore her when she tries to reach out, and i think it would be nice to just tell her i dont hold a grudge or anything, though i wouldnt tell her i forgive her because her repeated actions are unacceptable, but to just throw out the idea that maybe she should work on herself rather than looking for others to help 'complete' her or using people as a distraction... .it's tricky cause i hear others have sent messages just hoping the best for them and it doesnt accomplish much, but i wonder... .i dont know... .this alone is just so much work isn't it?

FakeName

but in some way, i think, wouldnt it be nice or a relief for her to get a reply back from me just saying that i dont hold a grudge but i'm moving on with my life... .maybe gives her some level of closure? or that doesnt really work?... .

[Learning_curve74]

but the issue with my ex is, is many times we've gone through this type of recycle, where i tell her i can be here as just a friend and i sincerely offer just that, (even if i want more), but that isn't enough and she'll manipulate things so that i give her boyfriend/girlfriend type attention and then things just go full circle... .so i guess i'm talking myself out of responding with anything and just continuing to ignore her... .

I know you feel vulnerable, fakename, otherwise you wouldn't be writing here about receiving email from your exBPDgf.

However, you also have free will to choose the parameters of your friendship. You said you "want(ed) more" in the past, is that still true now? It is important to be honest with ourselves even when other people are not necessarily willing to be honest with us.

What do you hope to gain out of replying to her email? If you just want to be courteous, then a short neutral, "Thank you for your email expressing your feelings, I appreciate it," lets you acknowledge having read it without going into any specifics. If you have any expectations as to how or if she even replies, then that is setting yourself up for possible disappointment, and you should recognize that and foresee what your most likely responses will be. If you believe you will be vulnerable to repeating a futile cycle, then perhaps simply not replying would be in your best interest.

[fakename]

@winston72,

thats a great observation you make and thanks for that... .i can probably gather a couple things from that - 1 i still care about her in some way, 2, i need to pay mind to when my inclination of what to helping others is detrimental to me, 3, i guess thats all i can think of right now... .i have however adopted the belief (since spending time with her), that those who go out so focused to help others are just using it as a mask over when they need to help themselves... .

either way, what do i want? i dont want much, but i can confidently say none of the things i want have anything to do with her... .there's just no desire anymore... .

what is best for me? just to continue on doing what i've been doing... .i.e. just had a great workout... .

what is the next step that will strengthen/affirm me? i just think its continuing to walk along the same path i'm on now... .

i'm perfectly content and with peace of mind right now, and i also have to recognize how i'm not thrown into a disarray after getting contact from her as i might have been in the past... .

i think this is a matter of how to do react at this stage of my recovery... .i can't continue on with my life dealing with any sporadic contact from her as i am now... .there has to be some evolution... .and so i guess i'm at a point where i'm trying to decide, is it time to respond with something or just continue to ignore... .

i think as just a fellow human being, i can't just think 'to hell with her', or 'who cares about what happens to her'... .i think that would be thinking derived from anger and pain... .i may be wrong, i dont know... i don't owe anything to her, and she doesnt owe anything to me. but i'm of the variety where i don't want to just pretend the girl didnt exist or 10 years down the road think 'oh i remember that girl, she was such a b*tch and she hurt me and did this and that'... .

so what if what is best for me is reaching a hand out in some way, saying i hope you're working on improving yourself... .

this is why my mind is clouded... .i dont know, but i do believe its worth exploring and see if the answer is imminent...



@learning_curve74,

yes, i did want more in the past. i still loved her, and i had lost myself so much by not holding strong my boundaries that i lost my identity... .i do not want more now. i'm not interested in a relationship with her at all and i dont love her anymore or see myself caring for her the way i did in the past... .the feelings are just gone. but there is still compassion that is strong from my side.

i dont know what i hope to gain... i dont really care... maybe just to tell her i hope things get better for her... .i dont know. maybe thats why i dont know what to say... .i dont have any expectations i believe... .i also dont need her to convince me she cared for me or something in the past, and i dont need/want her to try to get involved with me. not to sound rude, but i think she kinda disgusts me now and i dont want to risk getting an std... .i guess i always felt that i wouldnt want to be with a girl if she slept with someone after me, and i think that's finally coming through in my feelings and clear mind rather than in the past where i was just chaotic and desperate for her and there was no rational thinking or standing up for myself... .

i appreciate talking this stuff out with you guys, it def. helps put things together