Why can't I stop thinking about our sex?

[Iamdizzy]

I don't miss my ex like how I used to, I do miss the sex we had I miss her when it comes to that. I would never call her or rekindle anything because of it but its so hard. I can't even have sex with another girl without thinkin about her. It was just the best I've ever had , it's got me hooked deep. Will this ever go away?  :'( I'm glad I don't miss her in the emotional sense but I keep replaying scenes of us making  "love" ugh.

[bpdspell]

Missing the sexual chemistry we had with them is common on the Leaving Boards. But when you accept that they're mentally ill; it's like fantasizing about having sex with a 5 year old.

I personally feel that we don't give ourselves credit enough when it comes to sex. We were a part of that too! We tend to give them all the credit as if we weren't a part of the experience as well. And yes. You will have good sex again and it doesn't need to be with a mentally ill person to be that good again. So remember not to discount yourself!

The sex gave us an alarming amount of hormonal endorphins... .like being on heroin. So of course as human's we'd do anything to feel those endorphins again because not having them in our life is an absence of that hormonal addiction. I remember missing my ex and feeling like I had been dropped off the highest point of the Brooklyn Bridge. But what got me through was remembering ALL of what I had experienced. Not just the good sex... .but everything.

You simply have to learn how to focus on all facets of the relationship... .not the mind blowing sex... .remember the hurtful, painful stuff and why this relationship could have never worked nor sustain itself. When we focus on the sex we compartmentalize the experience of them because it keeps us in rumination and not focused on the overall big picture: their mental illness.

Spell

[snappafcw]

I have a similar problem

I think it may have to do with the unconditional love they threw at us during the idealization phase and of course sex is the ultimate form of intimacy. Then of course when it is suddenly all gone we struggle to go without it because it was an addiction like a drug. I know my ex is bad for me and as much as I don't want her back I have these thoughts as well and I wish I didn't because I feel like she is still up on a pedestal.

[fiddlestix]

I know!  What is with that?  My ex wife is so sick, odd, deceitful... .just an unpleasant person, but I still crave sex with her.  In the year and a half since we split I have "been with" three other women, but I am still obsessed with my ex.  Sure, I don't want to hang out with her anymore; I had enough verbal and emotional abuse, insults, put downs, lies, adultery... . but I still want sex with her.  Maybe it's because I was with only her for 25 years (I was faithful) and she was such a deep part of me.  It is like I have lost one of my own limbs.  I knew every contour of her body, how her body felt against mine, the way she moved, smelled, tasted... . Yes, I know sex became our drug, our last balm in the crazy marriage.  She was getting worse every day.  Her BPD was out of control.  Maybe approaching middle age (we are 47) escalated her illness.  Yet, I was geared up and ready to spend the rest of my life with her.  But she could not conceive of real commitment, mature responsibility... .she had many other "lovers" on the side over the past 12 years, and is now shacking up with a 33 year old man.  The marriage crashed and burned.  But dammit!  I still crave her.  I am hoping that continued NC will flush me clean of this addiction.  

Fiddlestix

[LoneWolf768]

IAD, I feel the same way. When I'm capable of being aroused by another woman, then I'll know I'm as over my ex as I can be. That will take some serious time and patience on my part.

The sex my ex and I had, I felt, was incredible. Snapp makes a great point that it has a lot to do with how they viewed us and how high of a pedestal they put us on. It's so difficult knowing she was with another man and seduced him in the same manner as she did me. This all happened before we started dating last Fall. At the time, I thought 'Wow, this woman must REALLY like me! I've never had a woman just undress without us even talking about taking the next step in our relationship before!'  After I found out about her doing almost the exact same thing with another guy, it bothered me for months and every now and then it still gets to me. I mean, that's like a telemarketer using their call script over and over again except emotions and trust are what gets taken for granted here.

She told me I was the best sex she'd ever had. There were things she did with me that she said she didn't particularly like but since it pleasured me, she did them. Perhaps this was all a crock of BS along with everything else she ever told me that was good. The hateful, damaging things she said about me and to other people about me? I can believe those. Was this all part of the isolation/control games she was playing? A close friend of mine said 'Hey, don't self yourself short. You may have been the best sex she ever had.' Well, (laughs) that really doesn't make me feel any better. That was then; this is now.

I told the woman of the estranged husband my ex probably seduced him to try and control him control him, not because she necessarily liked him. She wanted to spend the night with him so bad because she wanted to use sex to validate herself and to fill that empty void within with a quick fix. It's that old saying 'Men use love for sex; women use sex for love.' BPDspell makes a valid point that knowing what we know now, we're fantasizing about sex with a child, given the state of mind of our ex's.

I, too, replay scenes of she and I in my head. A lot.  It felt so natural that it stings to know this is how she is with every man she's with. Sex isn't about an emotional connection to her; it's about trying to control whoever she's with and validating herself. I'm sure it's that way with most, if not all, BPD'ers.  

[fiddlestix]

Furthermore, the sex wasn't always that great.  After she reached orgasm (which I ALWAYS made sure she received first), she was pretty much done.  She was perfunctory and basically wanted me to "finish up."  But, being the sick people-pleaser I was, that was good enough for me for many years.  Anyway... .

Fiddlestix

[Clearmind]

Sex was the one tangible thing we had to symbolise a union. However it was always just that sex – with no intimacy.

The only way I could get close to him was via sex and vice versa – it was a maladaptive coping tool for a bad relationship.

[thisyoungdad]

I was just thinking about this today! Even after I interacted with my ex and with my new awareness of her illness don't find her attractive despite her being a very attractive woman. However the sex... .yep I think about that fabulous dynamic a lot. I was telling a good friend of mine tonight that part of that was the being fooled into thinking we had a deeper connection than we really had. Like others the sex was the best I have ever had and it is the most intimate thing you can do with someone so for a long time I mistook that as true intimacy which we had very little of really. We had brief moments but overall it was lacking. That was a helpful thought to have. I just keep reminding myself she is very ill, and has not been taking care of herself and so I can't be with her so I can't entangle myself with her in that way either. It helps the thoughts not be as intense and they are getting less and less.

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I doubt, at least I did not use sex as a way to save the relationship or anything of that manner. However, it's just the way she smelled, looked, her body just about everything had me going crazy. I doubt it was because she put me on a pedestal, she was just so sexy and it's sex, nuff' said .

I have it well engrained in my mind that she's doing the same thing with the next guy and that she is mentally ill but I've had sex with one girl after her and also fooled around with another girl. Yeah it was mutually understood its just a fling and it was enjoyable but my BPDex really got me going

I hate this. I don't miss her or want her in my bed but I just can't stop thinking about her. I thought having sex or being with another woman would make it better but it's worse! I'm not ready for that so I won't engage in it. Des anyone have any advice on how to slowly forget it?

[topknot]

Iamdizzy, what helped for me was forcing myself to write in my journal a list of the things I didn't like, no matter how small, not necessarily related to BPD. In his kitchen, I had to put the silverware away "just so" ~~ made me nuts! Or how he had pictures of race horses all over the walls. Too fancy schmanzy for me. Or how he wouldn't use his sleep apnea machine because it didn't look cool to sleep that way... like, it's your health, dummy? I would add to the list, and when I missed him and read that, my memory wasn't clouded into thinking it was Nirvana. I would read my list and think, "Oh YEAH... ugh!" Hope that helps.

[willbegood]

I found  sex was one of the few times where I could let my guard down and she was actually trying to please me. When I look back on my relationship sex was one of the only things I can remember where there wasn't some sort of a fight or blowup. And it's about the only time when it really seemed like she cared.

When I look back on relationships I usually only remember the good times. Unfortunately the sex department was the only real good times I could look back on with my exBPD.

[Reg]

If my ex and I had sex, it sometimes was extraordinary and the best ever, when she was pulling me back in that is.  In other cases it was almost one way traffic, me giving and she receiving, and if the shame was not taking her over and she was pulling a pillow over her face because I looked her in the eyes while making love.

Was she good looking ?  Yes ! Was she sexually attractive to the point I would want to make love with her everywhere.  Yes !

But honestly ?  I can't imagine myself having any ideas of ever having sex with her again.  Even more, with the kind of relationships she's in now, with other BPD's who have had unsafe sex, even group sex, with "Ive lost count on how many people" the idea alone would make me nauseous.  I have no need in getting one or other sexual disease. 

[Reg]

Oh, BTW did I mention she looks like ___ now ?

It is because she has no more stress, she is feeling so much better without me.     O am I being ironic ?  Or is it sarcastic ?

She can keep fooling herself as long as she wants.  She's only damaging her own life and that of her daughter.  That is her decision.  She has a choice.  I've made mine as well. 

If you don't have great sex with a new partner, my advice is, make it great, talk about what you both want and like.  Let go of the toxic past, in each and every way.

[fiddlestix]

I have a new woman in my life, just not sure how to define the relationship.  We were sexual for a while, but I had to pull back from that level of intimacy for now.  We still talk every day, and see each other a few times a week.  Just no sex.  I am not ready.  I still have my ex's weird "mojo" in my system.  My new friend is in no hurry. 

As I said in an earlier post, sex was not always that great... .pretty one way, as was said above.  But that was when I felt close to her, when I thought she was truly giving herself to me.  Now, as I learn more about her BPD, who knows where her mind was when we were in bed? 

The idea above about listing all the bad stuff in the relationship helps snap us back into reality: "The sex was great, but oh yeah, the insults, rages, put-downs, cheating, lying, stealing... ."  Thank God I am out.  Now if my desire for her would just vanish then maybe I could begin to enjoy my new lady friend (who is light years ahead of my ex in terms of maturity, honesty, gentleness... .). The good news is, there are many good women and men out there who are able to be mature partners in a relationship.  Go slow.  If there is a sense of urgency to move forward quickly, consider that a red flag.     

Keep workin' it

Fiddlestix

[Iamdizzy]

Reg,

I know that my BPDex has numerous partners now. Sometimes I have the pleasure of hearing from family that she still has on social networking how downright sexual she is, always talking about sex how much she loves when guys perform oral sex on her. All these guys look at her like an easy ___ and like a piece of meat. All of this coming from a victim of rape. I tell them to stop informing me of her actions. I truly do not want to be with her in any way shape or form.   I don't want to get personal but whenever I think about having sex with her, I don't get uh... .excited. I just miss it? if that makes any sense. I'm actually repulsed by her but I can't stop thinking about her. I guess I'm still clouded in my thinknig that there was some sort of higher intimate bond we had.

Fiddlestix- I had sex with a friend of mine a month or two ago, no feelings invovled just our lust for each other and it was great. Until I just started thinknig about how I used to have sex with her and I ended up thinknig about her the whole time. I felt horrible. Im avoiding any sexual contact until I get rid of this 'bug'.

[Ironmanrises]

Why cant i stop thinking about our sex?... .You ask... .

You are only remembering the idealization phase.

The devaluation phase, as horrifyingly painful as it was to experience... .

Has to be placed right next to the thought process of idealization... .

So that when you remember the sex... .

You also remember all the god awful behavior she had towards you in devaluation... .

That is what i have been doing to not have that recurring sexual memory of her.

I remember the hurtful things she said... .

The way she looked at me with contempt... .

Keeps those memories from forming.

I know it sucks.

But it is helping me heal.

Stay strong.

[Reg]

Iamdizzy

That may be a wise decision.  However do you miss her or do you miss the feeling of being in love with someone ?  Ever think about that ?

Or was it the idealisation from the early stages ?

[goldylamont]

i feel pretty fortunate to say that i don't feel like i was controlled too much with sex by my BPDx. after being with someone for years and only having sex with them, and then after the r/s was over still wanting to be with them--yes, it was tough and i would think about sex with her. but it wasn't b/c the sex we had was so other-wordly; i recognized that i just still had feelings for this person and wished we still shared the same "connection".

for me, the sex with other women after the breakup was healing, restorative. i kind of viewed the women i was dating as angels for me, in a sense, restoring my sense of sexiness and letting me know that i was a sexy and passionate man. and, my feelings for my ex did interfere at times, however i think what i did mentally was to see the woman i was currently with in the now as being beautiful. i was appreciative of her and of what we were sharing... .so i allowed myself to give my own sexuality in full to this new person as best i could.

it may be good to try and separate out just why sex with the xBPD felt like the best ever--or why it may still feel that way to you. in my case i think i just still wanted to be with this person... .it wasn't the physical sex that was overly amazing but just my natural feelings of wanting to be with the x after such an abrupt and disrespectful separation. i think it would help if we are honest with ourselves about what we really like about sex, what are our fantasies, and cherish and accept this as beautiful (not nasty or bad or 'dirty'. and accepting this as beautiful and good, we can find healthy partners that feel the same way, on the same level.

BPDs seem to use the same ruse time and again with each new partner, and it's shocking to find this out, does damage to our egos. but as another poster mentioned--don't sell yourself short in the sexual dept.--if the sex with the xBPD was that good for you, then you had a part in that also. find the true beauty of whomever you may start a sexual r/s with and use this to celebrate them when you get physical. you don't have to be head over heals in love with your current sexual partner; but truly feel their beauty and warmth (are they honest? have sexy bodies? funny? good cook? etc.)--focus on these good qualities and then give them great sex for sharing this beauty with you. i think in a way this allowed me to recalibrate myself--focusing my sexual energy, releasing it for being treated well instead of the ruse from the xBPD.

[peas]

Sex with my alcoholic exBPD guy was not that phenomenal. I miss him a lot because I miss being in a committed relationship where we talked about marriage, house and kids -- the future-building fantasy stuff. That's the part I'm attached to. The sex with him was okay, sometimes great, but usually just okay.

I was sexually attracted to him: he's cute and my type as far as personality (same interests, sense of humor), hair color, height, age, etc. But I stopped enjoying sex with him when the devaluing started. Also, he usually was only horny when he was drunk. One time he fell asleep on me. Literally, on top of me he passed out. I also stopped enjoying it when he wouldn't initiate sex and when he would not do the things that he knew pleased me in bed. He used sex as a tool to break me down and hurt my feelings. It worked. I felt so lonely, unloved and undesirable. 

[Mr gaga]

OMG I thought I was the only one! I fantasize about her body and her touch all the time! I really resent that woman for what she did to me but I would do anything to get that euphoria I felt during sex with her. I can't even look at women in a sexual way anymore without thinking of her. She really messed me up

[Clearmind]

When the sex is too important