Self Harm: Out of Control & I'm the One in Pain

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wondering if anyone had some thoughts on coping with this or could share their own experience on what they did...

Background: my pwBPD and I have been through tremendous chaos and I ended it... for the 7th or 8th time recently. Armed with knowledge, I know every time I go back I lose more self respect, that I need to take care of myself and work on my inner demons on my own. I also know he is a mirror with no real identity, and that he will never be able to improve himself. So the relationship is dead and I'm working on detaching.

Situation: The BPD self harming behaviours are absolutely out of control and they are getting progressively worse. Once in recovery from addiction & working with a therapist, he recently experienced some major changes (moved to a new town for school) and therapy ended. We had a number of blow outs due to more lines I let him cross and this combined with the move change, he relapsed on booze. Combined with all the meds, he is now an absolute nightmare doing everything possible to cause me pain... he is even lifting quotes from BPD self help books describing BPD behaviour to show this is "just the way he is" It's giving himself the go ahead to be a maniac... now he's on hard drugs, stealing money (unless he's lying who knows?), and severely cutting. His arms are scars on top of scars, he's stitching them back up himself... it just keeps getting worse... ."all in the name of losing me, his so called love of his life" ... yeah right...

Failed Intervention: I started with No Contact and I slipped after 48hrs - I'd like to say out of accident, but maybe subconsciously I wanted to see what is going on.

Outcome: Today there is something in me that is so worried about his mental and physical welfare because I still genuinely care about this person I once completely adored... .His family doesn't bother with him they don't respond to his cries for help, he's lost all his recovery friends or refuses to contact them, his behaviour is all about "destroying his life" (his words)  He even agrees that all of these were his choices but each day he does something worse... .and that hurts... to see him hurting so much...

Yes I know that this is not my fault, but I am scared and I feel sorry for him... Then I hate him for doing this to me and himself after all the hard work he had accomplished... I've already changed my number 2x's and I'd feel like a total idiot doing it again (my workplace gets my cell number)...

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced this and if there is even some way to deal... this is almost more painful than realizing the relationship will never be what I had hoped and that I have to leave...

[Holliday]

Wondering if anyone had some thoughts on coping with this or could share their own experience on what they did...

Background: my pwBPD and I have been through tremendous chaos and I ended it... for the 7th or 8th time recently. Armed with knowledge, I know every time I go back I lose more self respect, that I need to take care of myself and work on my inner demons on my own. I also know he is a mirror with no real identity, and that he will never be able to improve himself. So the relationship is dead and I'm working on detaching.

Situation: The BPD self harming behaviours are absolutely out of control and they are getting progressively worse. Once in recovery from addiction & working with a therapist, he recently experienced some major changes (moved to a new town for school) and therapy ended. We had a number of blow outs due to more lines I let him cross and this combined with the move change, he relapsed on booze. Combined with all the meds, he is now an absolute nightmare doing everything possible to cause me pain... he is even lifting quotes from BPD self help books describing BPD behaviour to show this is "just the way he is" It's giving himself the go ahead to be a maniac... now he's on hard drugs, stealing money (unless he's lying who knows?), and severely cutting. His arms are scars on top of scars, he's stitching them back up himself... it just keeps getting worse... ."all in the name of losing me, his so called love of his life" ... yeah right...

Failed Intervention: I started with No Contact and I slipped after 48hrs - I'd like to say out of accident, but maybe subconsciously I wanted to see what is going on.

Outcome: Today there is something in me that is so worried about his mental and physical welfare because I still genuinely care about this person I once completely adored... .His family doesn't bother with him they don't respond to his cries for help, he's lost all his recovery friends or refuses to contact them, his behaviour is all about "destroying his life" (his words)  He even agrees that all of these were his choices but each day he does something worse... .and that hurts... to see him hurting so much...

Yes I know that this is not my fault, but I am scared and I feel sorry for him... Then I hate him for doing this to me and himself after all the hard work he had accomplished... I've already changed my number 2x's and I'd feel like a total idiot doing it again (my workplace gets my cell number)...

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has experienced this and if there is even some way to deal... this is almost more painful than realizing the relationship will never be what I had hoped and that I have to leave...

[Khenkis]

There really is no way to deal with this sort of behavior... .or at least I'm not aware of any. So, like yourself, I had to experience situations where the exBPDgf self harming were extremely out of control and WOW how they only got worse!

Ultimately, I believe its a twisted form of emotional blackmail and serves as another reason why we need to leave such toxic relationships. However, I know, its easier said then done when your heart says one thing and your mind says another.

[Learning_curve74]

If you believe there is a very real danger that he is suicidal, you can call the proper authorities to notify them. Many pwBPD will resent and hate the person who does that, but I'd prefer that over seeing them die.

My exBPDgf once told me it was better to feel pain than to feel nothing. I actually understood her. She has chosen her path and I realized that I could no longer follow because it was not taking me the way I want to go.

Holliday, you are a kind and caring person who obviously loved him very much. There is no easy way. I didn't want to see or hear anything from my exBPDgf or hear anything about her from others precisely for the reason that it would hurt me that she was hurting herself at a time that I needed most to stay away and detach.

Do you feel obligated to try and help him? Do you wish you could just not care anymore? Do you know what it is you want?

[nowwhatz]

my ex/currentBPDgf started to burn herself a few months ago and cut herself during the NC period. She said the pain helped make her forget about the inner pain.   I get it.  sometimes if i have upper back pain or shoulder pain I will do shoulder shrugs with dumbells or other weight training to get the blood flowing to another area.  then my shoulder pain doesn't feel so bad. same principle I think.

since she has been in treatment and on abilify about one month the self harming has stopped and she is like a different person.

[Holliday]

There is no easy way. I didn't want to see or hear anything from my exBPDgf or hear anything about her from others precisely for the reason that it would hurt me that she was hurting herself at a time that I needed most to stay away and detach.

Do you feel obligated to try and help him? Do you wish you could just not care anymore? Do you know what it is you want?

Thank you learning_curve74 so much for this... as well as the others who reached out...

I understand now both from this site as well as the intense downward spiral to hell that happened between my initial post in this thread to yesterday - which among other things saw him formed and under lock down for 8 days in the psychiatric ward - that I was really living in this FOG you speak of... Feeling Obligated to stay. Feeling Guilty to leave... Feeling Fear... His self harm had eventually become fear for my own safety not because I think that he would hurt me, but because the threats were becoming so irrational that I, as a rational person... was having a hard time keeping my own logic about me.

I sought out therapy, who said the same as you all, that this is emotional blackmail. THis will never change. This is toxic and it is breaking me as well as dissolving my support network, which I very much need... I am also starting to make lists about what I want in a relationship... and detaching from him, from good memories... because they are in the past... there is nothing good about us that exists anymore...

I said goodbye yesterday and I have blocked him from my phone etc... I have a plan to not be alone and I'm changing up my routine... I cannot go this far and self sabotage my health by going back, which I kept doing... Day One NC. Wish me luck and thank you for the support. I will continue to visit this site because I feel broken right now and I know you understand what I'm experiencing...

[Bit Lost]

I used to get threats from him that he was going to hurt himself, I know he used to bite himself on the arms and hands quite a lot. He's stabbed himself in the face with a fork. He's even thrown himself down the stairs and god knows what else he's done. He's told me on various occasions that if anything happens to him it will be my fault and that I pushed him to do it. Pffffft... .I am not having the blame put on me for that, that's his decision to hurt himself. It's just emotional blackmail to make you feel bad. So if he/she wants to hurt themselves let them carry on it's not our fault... .

[LaSuede]

Exactly. Learning-curve. I have got very hated for doing that. Calling the ambulance. Or pshyciatric. Once even Interpol cause my pwBPDex, was far away and I did not know... .

Finally getting in contact, while Interpol, took it really, really serious... : he was at dinner. He only got paranoic. I was "mafia" or something.

I have experienced real suicidal attempt also, with two kids sleeping in the room next doors. The police breaking in etc. Now he says: That was an accident! I was going just to show you what I wanted to do and the knife was sharper than I thought... .

The thing is I have also experienced REAL attempts with my brother, when I was younger where I saved his life sort of (seeing a pattern javascript:void(0)

Therefore it took me a long while to understand the "emotional threats". To me those threats could for sure become real!

Holliday, I know exactly how it feels. And yes, your ex might die of his behaviour... .But also you have to ask yourself: what happens inside of you? Why all this guilt, when you are the "only one there"... ? I have been - and are still - the same! We have a kid though, and when things got out of hands I had to protect him. Good for me.

In one sense I think you should try to see yourself, or your inner-self, as a little child that needs to be protected by the grown up you. If you really want to help, call experts, no matter if he will accuse you. You are not to be accused when you do the right thing. That's not the case. And you know it.

You are loving, caring, involved and that's assets worth so much, in other cases, places. Where-else can you put those assets... ? In your work? With people that "will change", somewhere official? A school? Hospital? An NGO... ?

You should not loose those wonderful, caring parts of your personality! But if you go under, there is noone left to do that good in the places where it's really worth something.

Stand up for you!

And stand up for your good!

You can become really sick otherwise, the one suicidal, PSTD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or else... I have. Now it's enough.

I will live my life, not someone elses, no matter the sadness out of it.

Thinking of you.

[Holliday]

In one sense I think you should try to see yourself, or your inner-self, as a little child that needs to be protected by the grown up you.

Stand up for you!

And stand up for your good!

You can become really sick otherwise, the one suicidal, PSTD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or else... I have. Now it's enough.

I will live my life, not someone elses, no matter the sadness out of it.

Funny, LaSuede I was just thinking I've been operating from the inner child these days... Laying low, emotionally eating, talking out loud to myself, distracting by buying a new toy... It is tough this ruminating stage... wondering what he is doing... I don't know if he's contacting me... despite my inner parent saying no, I have driven past his house and his car hasn't moved... which makes me worried... Today is Day 5 NC.

I appreciate sincerely what you are saying, and it is similar to what my T has told me... that I and many who mesh into relationships with pwBPD have the asset of empathy and compassion. She said its important to ensure this is used positively as a gift to others, not in a self destructive way trying to save someone who is incapable of improving. Like you mentioned I do see myself getting sicker the longer I was hanging on. I've called the Crisis line for what felt like PTSD... I now have a T for myself that I didn't have before...

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for being there. The experience and strength from you and the others on this site is what has helped me reach this decision and make these changes today... and what I expect will also give me the courage to see it through... I see the light I just have to let this toxic, heightened stress I've learned to manage these past 2 years seep away to leave room for a better, safer sense of me...

[LaSuede]

Thank you Holliday.

I have had such hard days lately, it's really warming to read your message.

I guess that's part of the "disease" co-dependent, you see it clearly, but only have the possibility to encourage others, not yourself really... .

I just don't understand this pain. When will it go... ? Will it go?

I feel like I have lost part of my most important years and there's nothing left but pain and hard work... .heheh... .just reading that, what I just wrote hurts me, cause bitterness is the worst, and I have promised myself never to go bitter in life. This time I feel like I have lost myself on all levels and can not orientate myself.

I feel stolen on so many levels.

And now I am lost, like the empty wallet or bag thrown somewhere after a robbery.

If not this Forum I would go nuts!

But for the moment I don't even have the strength to write why those feelings and start a topic to get more answers or move on bit by bit... .

Thanks again.