BPD Irrational Fears?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've been looking over some old conversations with my ex.

Back in November 2012 he cut me off. He wound up coming back in February 2013 and we actually went on to finally have an official relationship for a few months before it all fell apart again this August, but in November he was saying things that were very characteristic of things he had expressed over the whole course of our involvement, things which seemed very bizarre and irrational to me:

I'm really sorry. The past few months I have been really trying like I said. There have been a number of times in the past when I came close to asking you to enter a relationship with me, but every time something deep inside me has stood in the way. That feeling is not going away and I think I have to be honest about it.

And

in my dreams you're always doing violence to me

Note that I was never violent or raging, though at times I expressed a lot of frustration over the constant roller-coaster. At the time I was just asking him to try an official relationship for a while to see how he felt once he got used to the idea, what it would be like, given that we were already de facto in a relationship and that all I was asking for was the official title. It just didn't seem that hard to concede a label that would have, practically, changed little. And yet he expressed all these bizarre fears about this deep dread that the thought caused in him which he always seemed to think was a valid excuse even though he could never explain what it was a dread of... .

Also note that he puts this bizarre emphasis on his dream-life, as if what happens in his dreams has a big voice in his decision in everyday life. Has anyone else seen that?

But then in the same convo he'd turn it around and say it was not a fear of me hurting him, but of him hurting me:

I just think you will get further hurt by me

this is my gut feeling

And

you said you needed to know if I would ever come out of this molasses, I don't think I will

[UmbrellaBoy]

I've been looking over some old conversations with my ex.

Back in November 2012 he cut me off. He wound up coming back in February 2013 and we actually went on to finally have an official relationship for a few months before it all fell apart again this August, but in November he was saying things that were very characteristic of things he had expressed over the whole course of our involvement, things which seemed very bizarre and irrational to me:

I'm really sorry. The past few months I have been really trying like I said. There have been a number of times in the past when I came close to asking you to enter a relationship with me, but every time something deep inside me has stood in the way. That feeling is not going away and I think I have to be honest about it.

And

in my dreams you're always doing violence to me

Note that I was never violent or raging, though at times I expressed a lot of frustration over the constant roller-coaster. At the time I was just asking him to try an official relationship for a while to see how he felt once he got used to the idea, what it would be like, given that we were already de facto in a relationship and that all I was asking for was the official title. It just didn't seem that hard to concede a label that would have, practically, changed little. And yet he expressed all these bizarre fears about this deep dread that the thought caused in him which he always seemed to think was a valid excuse even though he could never explain what it was a dread of... .

Also note that he puts this bizarre emphasis on his dream-life, as if what happens in his dreams has a big voice in his decision in everyday life. Has anyone else seen that?

But then in the same convo he'd turn it around and say it was not a fear of me hurting him, but of him hurting me:

I just think you will get further hurt by me

this is my gut feeling

And

you said you needed to know if I would ever come out of this molasses, I don't think I will

[Octoberfest]

My BPDex often referenced a "dream manual".  One of those books with interpretations of what it means when you dream about something. The last one of note, right around the time that we broke up for good after I found out she was cheating again? She dreamed that I died.  Her book offered two explanations (these are paraphrased)

1: it symbolized that she lacked certain things that I represented or values that I had in her own life

or

2: it symbolized that my role in her life was done

Take a WILD guess which interpretation she ran with: the one that said she lacked traits like honor, loyalty, integrity, respect, etc, or the one that said I must not be meant to be around her anymore.


That being said, I don't think I would go as far as to link pwBPD and listening to dreams.  I have seen a more overarching trend of pwBPD turning to and accepting external forces as having control over their actions and their lives.  My BPDex oftentimes spoke of things by saying, "it is what it is, I can't do anything about it" or "He just wanted to be with me so badly".  Basically removing herself from accountability for her actions, making it sound like some mysterious force was responsible for the things that she did, the choices she made, etc.  By putting the responsibility on someone else I think she somehow lessons or avoids the shame that comes from her actions. In reality, it doesn't matter "if he wanted to be with me so badly".  She had a choice to say yes or no, she was helpless in those situations to the will of the other person.

So maybe your BPDex and my BPDex reference/blame dreams for their behaviors or thoughts because it gives them an out; someone or something (this is kind of funny, because it is their own brain) is telling them these things, it isn't them doing it.

[Clearmind]

It just didn't seem that hard to concede a label that would have, practically, changed little.

For you!

Also note that he puts this bizarre emphasis on his dream-life, as if what happens in his dreams has a big voice in his decision in everyday life.

Rational to him.

One of the hardest things to understand about BPD is that our thinking can never equate with what they are feeling. We are placing our expectations onto another person who happens to be disordered.

The only word here that describes his feelings is fear.

[Bulgakov]

Also note that he puts this bizarre emphasis on his dream-life, as if what happens in his dreams has a big voice in his decision in everyday life. Has anyone else seen that?

Yes. I have been demonized for hours, maybe a day or more, for nothing more than a bad dream.

[musicfan42]

I think that dreams are surprisingly indicative of ones' feelings towards others. For example, I've had dreams of arguing with people that I dislike in real life. I have enough emotional regulation to keep my dream life from spilling into my real life but perhaps borderlines don't?