Feeling Desperate and Lonely

[peas]

It hurts but it says this person can't be alone. And if you aren't there someone will be. Anybody.

That's what is so weird about BPD: These people are not always "alone" when they seek out others. PwBPD could be married and see their spouse every day yet they will still go looking for someone else and rationalize it in whatever way.

It sounds like Aletheia was there for his girlfriend but she didn't see it that way.

[Aletheia]

Thank you everyone. Your replies do help me.

I've awoken today and I'm low again. I struggle with letting it go, even though I feel she was not good for me. On the day we split, when I had some clarity through my anger and frustration, I sent the following message to a friend if mine. It says it all but now the relationship is over I just can't stop wanting the idea of her,  that which I though she was:

"... .I can't see that happening as I can't see this relationship lasting. I'm fed up of being on the wrong end of her self-defending, wounded soul. It's a big turn-off for me to be unable to talk openly about what's bothering me, without receiving a tirade of countering blame instead of an adult answer.  I feel as if I'm walking on egg-shells and can't be myself. She is so sensitised and her mood changes with every nuance of my own. I can't have a glum moment without her own mood altering and her becoming distant and impenetrable. I've nearly had enough as this isn't stuff that changes in a hurry and I don't have the desire to hang around to see if it does. I find her indecisive, largely ungrateful and unpredictable."

I obviously knew it wasn't right and was almost at the point of leaving, yet I still want something about it back. Crazy!

I feel alone, useless, duped, unworthy, a failure in life... .You name it... .

That is my wounding and I find 50 minutes in the psychotherapist's hopelessly inadequate.

The though of these feelings dragging on for years depresses and frightens me and it drives me crazy to think she is just moving on, with the kids, no doubt meeting other men etc, using her looks and initial charm... .

Aarrrgggh!

[peas]

That is my wounding and I find 50 minutes in the psychotherapist's hopelessly inadequate.

Don't underestimate professional therapy. After a while, those 50-minute sessions add up and they do help with the grieving process, at least that's my experience. I look forward to my sessions every week. They won't bring my BPD r/s back from the dead, they won't make my ex love me or make him apologize, but these sessions get me through why I'm so sad in general and they are helping me with some major life decisions.

The though of these feelings dragging on for years depresses and frightens me and it drives me crazy to think she is just moving on, with the kids, no doubt meeting other men etc, using her looks and initial charm... .

It's driving you crazy because you can't control her actions, not that you could before, but now you feel like more of an outsider. You are only left to infer what she is up to and the imagination runs riot. It's a terrible feeling and in time, probably sooner than you think, this frustration will lessen.

[Aletheia]

Thanks Peas

I read and connect with how I intellectualise and hence avoid feeling. I've always used thinking to overcome bad thoughts for as long as I can recall from childhood.

Today I am starting to realise how lacking the expression of feelings has made me not act to save myself from jealousy invoking comments from my ex-, self-respect undermining actions from my ex- etc.

Well today I'm feeling ANGRY!

Reading your posts and thinking today has started to make me angry at her. I think this is good. Finally, feelings and not thoughts.

After collecting my things from her house, she said, all nicely, "Thank you for doing that, I truly truly wish you the best" etc and communications were civil.

Then just a week later when I contacted her and tried to connect emotionally and ask her to meet and talk about what had happened, she replied with anger and vitriol saying, "I don't love you, I have no hesitation to repeat that it's over. Don't contact me again in any format and as I said previously, please respect my decision."

This just doesn't add up to me. As it is written in articles, maybe it was the fact that she would have had to face an emotional examination, a potentially ego-destructive process, which,  unconsciously, she knew she could not do?

I feel angry at her. I left some things with her. Small pieces of furniture in the children's play room, a mini-hifi and speakers, a TV. Numerous phone chargers etc. She was perfectly happy to ASK ME if I would leave anything that I might otherwise throw away and even if I might leave things anyway. This from a woman with three mortgage-free houses from a divorce.

What is that all about? Why ask for stuff and then hate me?

I hate you, don't contact me ever again but I'm quite happy to keep your things and the expensive, thoughtful birthday gifts you gave me, fewer than three weeks ago. What a selfish, self-centred, psych-b*tch.

Why would she want to keep stuff that was a reminder of someone she now feels nothing for?

Why / how can someone be so contrary? ALL of my female friends say they would have returned the gifts if their thoughts had changed to such anger and would never ask to keep stuff.

If I was going through this again with her after she shut me out, I'd be clear and state I wanted ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I'd ever given her back. I'd consider I'd been investing myself in a mirage, a Fata Morgana, a fake, a victim, a vampire.

Christ! I feel like I've been walked all over.

[GreenMango]

Why / how can someone be so contrary?

Oh that's the disorder in one word.   

It can't make sense outside of psychological paper because in real life it doesn't. 

Contradictions and paradox - welcome to BPD.  It's a real mental illness.

[Aletheia]

It's so difficult to feel that you have a grip on anything about them.

Just when I feel I 'know' her or understand her behaviour as was, in get doubts and wonder if it even is BPD/BPD traits.

It seems ones own needs and wants get in the way too.

When I feel angry about how she treated me, I can start to feel more relaxed. It's as if by having an emotion I am able to look after myself and see the reality if the situation rather than have to wander in and try to understand it all and (as is my pattern) find reasons to forgive it.

[goldylamont]

GreenMango I love you man, you always say the right things 

When I feel angry about how she treated me, I can start to feel more relaxed. It's as if by having an emotion I am able to look after myself and see the reality if the situation rather than have to wander in and try to understand it all and (as is my pattern) find reasons to forgive it.

Aletheia, in your last couple of posts you're onto something very important--ANGER. Know that it's GOOD to recognize your anger, and to let it out. Just make sure to let it out in healthy ways. Go do something physical--this will tire your body and quiet your mind, try putting your anger into... .running? swimming? a kickboxing class? volunteering with heavy lifting? i think you get my drift. physical activity nourishes your body, gives you time to focus on something else and is an excellent outlet for anger.

And, this technique helped me immensely when I was most angry. It's called burning contracts. I'll try and be short so ask if you want more info. Trust me, this worked wonders for me. Firstly you have to recognize that your anger is a healthy emotion that is a gift to us to set our boundaries. Our anger is like a guard or a sentry that walks around our boundaries and says "you can't do that to me!" or "stop, right there bud!" or "hells no!"--you get the picture. Our anger is trying to tell us that something or someone has gone past our boundaries of what is OK.

So, this exercise is a way to visualize your anger and let it flow freely. Close your eyes and imagine your own personal boundary. You can do this sitting. Your own personal boundary should extend about an arms length all around you--in front, back, above and even below you an arms length into the ground. When you close your eyes, imagine this boundary, which is a protective egg shape around you. Once you see this egg boundary, allow your anger to color it--usually a very 'hot' color; mine was always scorching hot pink... .perhaps yours is molten lava orange. But go into your anger, then pour it into the vibrance of your boundary, that is what it's there to do so now you are honoring it and letting it flow.

OK, now with the burning of contracts--these "contracts" can be anything you can visualize that make you angry. Words she said that you didn't like? Visualize the letters. Or a picture that you loved of you two that now gives you grief (this is what i used), or one of those gifts you gave, all of the above. In any case, visualize one of these things right in front of you, inside your boundary. Then, when you have a solid visual of both your boundary and of the object--push that SOB outside of your boundary. In fact, karate chop it, kick it or head but it outside of your protective egg. And finally when it's outside of your boundary, burn it all to hell. Send flame throwers from your mouth/hands/eyes, lazers, spontaneous combustion, whatever is easiest for you to visualize--and burn every one of those damn contracts.

This is work. And it must be done many times over. But this helped me a lot. I can give you more info where I got this but feel I'm typing too much. I know where you are at and it is a terrible place to be. Don't fault yourself for being angry. Everything that is happening to you now you may not have much control over; but you have some control about how you deal with things, so hang in there! My heart goes out to you!

[Aletheia]

Thanks GreenMango and goldylamont.

What you say really helps. I have begun trying your technique goldylamont.

I am reading on object constancy. I'm perplexed as to how she can keep presents of mine etc and be apparently brazen and unfeeling about keeping all of my other stuff.

Personally, I would feel uncomfortable living in a house with so many reminders of a person I claimed to never want to hear from again. Yet it doesn't seem to bother her. GreenMango says it is just the BPD, but what is its cause.

I've had it suggested that it is lack of object constancy that makes her keep the stuff. Again, is this some kind of reminder? Why would she want one? To feel unconsciously less abandoned?

[GreenMango]

There are four things things that now defunct DSMv was toying with for impairments along with a checklist.

The impairments were self - indentity and self direction and interpersonal - intimacy and empathy.  There are supposed impairments in these criteria when someone has BPD.  The noticeable lack of empathy which means more than just understanding other feelings.  It also means inability to relate ones actions to outcome.  Identity means more than just knowing who you are, it means having a clear sense of what is other peoples identity and boundaries to proper interaction.

Those four along with the checklist really make for a tangled web.  Mix in some object constancy issues, ego defense mechanisms, poor coping skills and some emotional impulsivity and you get things like splitting, denial, etc on a pathological and pervasive scale.  It means this is the norm rather than the exception in interacting with others in many areas of life.

It's a very complication and contradictory disorder.  One that destroys the very thing the person suffering from it wants. 

So if I was to guess why she keeps them.  It think most likely these things hold no importance - they aren't a concern - its just stuff.  There isn't a whole lot of concern whether it belonged to you.  Or it may be a way to keep remnants around.  But my experience when watching this play out with others in regard to mine - he didn't give much thought to it.  Possession is nine tenths of the law sort of thing and other emotion conflicts took precedent.  There wasn't much real thought about others unless it was in relation to him and how he felt or what he wanted. 

What I can say is it is beyond startling and profoundly hurtful, and a little scary, to realize what a lack of empathy really can be like when on the receiving end - especially when we believed the person to have a capacity for empathy and care.  That is when we project our own feelings - those of mutuality and empathy - onto another person and it can have serious consequences.

[fiddlestix]

Altheia, I believe your ex is harboring your stuff, perhaps subconsciously, to ensure future contact.  Even though she may have said she was done with you, her fear of abandonment is powerful.  If some of your stuff is around that means (in her mind) that it is not totally over.  There will be future engagement of some kind (to retrieve your belongings).  That way she can keep you in her realm of influence indefinitely.

Just a thought... .

Fiddlestix  

[Aletheia]

Wow thanks for that. I'll look that up.

Thanks too to you all, this discussion is really helping me.

In my growing wisdom, I know the road to freedom is inside me but in my insecurity I still want to ask, my very first question: Is this really BPD. Is my ex- really displaying BPD traits?

[Aletheia]

Guys and Gals

I need some help... .I'm awash with sadness, shame, self-recrimination, hurt. I want to cry but I can't.

It seems everything I've learned about BPD and my reasons for being attracted to my ex-gf have evaporated.

I can't tolerate being on my own tonight and for the first time, nobody is around.

I know it's Wednesday and she won't have the kids and my mind tells me she will be out with a new man, or about meet one. They'll be back to hers and he'll be richer, better at being with her etc.

I CAN'T STOP IT and it's killing me!

I know she is riddled with deep psychological flaws and my going back (not that I can or hopefully would) is folly. So why domain yearn for it so much?

I can only keep thoughts if this at bay for moments at a time. It's painful and exhausting.

[fiddlestix]

Altheia, I understand your torment.  Like you, I "get" the facts about BPD and all the reckless behavior. I have read all about it, and spoken with my therapist. But it is still so hard not to take it personally, like somehow I wasn't good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, edgy enough, cool enough... .for her.  My ex is now with a new guy (14 years younger than me).  I "get" that her current r/s will probably also run its course and end in ruin.  But dang!  It still hurts!  I know how you feel Altheia.  I also dwell on her being with the new guy (not that there weren't dozens along the way while she was married to me). 

Try and do something that will snap you back into the present moment.  Take a hot bath, call a friend, go outside and inhale fresh air, look up at the sky and clouds, walk, eat a treat... .  Gradually try to let that woman stop invading your thoughts.  And know that there are many of us on this board that know how you feel!  You can send me a personal message if you like.  I promise to read it carefully and respond.  One minute at a time my friend!

Fiddlestix

[Aletheia]

Fiddlestix

Thanks so much. I need those words. Every moment is a torture right now. It's as if there is a part of me that knows she is bad for me but the deep, deep parts of me  are so needy that I can't tolerate losing her. This leads to me feeling panicked and anxious at the thought of her being with someone else.

I mean... .As if I don't know she will meet someone else, either soon or  it's already happened.

I didn't even care that much, when I think back on her naked body and sexual prowess. Yes sex was generally good but also highly dysfunctional and controlling. So what the hell is it that makes it almost intolerable to think of her moving on?

[goldylamont]

Aletheia, wishing you well friend i know it's hard. It's good that you can acknowledge your feelings when you feel weak. The thing to remember is what is a lie and what is the truth. being devalued by someone like this makes you feel insecure by design. it's a lie though. you cannot judge who you are by what a crazy person says or does (or doesn't do). and it's tricky, so good to be kind to yourself while you're coming to this acceptance. but the insecurities and feelings you are having for her now are based on a lie.

i think it's good to get to the bottom of the lie, or stated another way to seek out the truth. much of this lie is spun out of her disorder; you can cast that aside. some of the lie about yourself may be coming from you, your own insecurities independent of this woman. throw her lies out (any feeling that you are unworthy or the next guy is unworthy for her). and keep focus on some lies you may be telling yourself--such as that she is beautiful when you know she is not. that you aren't attractive or good enough... .you can work on these yourself.

our emotions are here to serve a purpose, give us a message. so if you are feeling insecure or jealous then there are things you can do to improve... you know, get a haircut or try and workout if you can muster the energy (physical exertion is always good). i'm throwing a lot out there to see if anything will click, but hopefully this helps.

just know this truth--the emotions that you are having now will pass over time. what you do have control over now is your actions in this moment. keep expressing yourself, try doing other things as much as possible and hang in there! the lies will start to look like lies and the truth more like truth as time passes, promise.

[Aletheia]

I try to remind myself... .

She was not kind and considerate of me and my needs. She was selfish and inconsiderate.

She did not love me, as she said, or certainly as I understand the concept. She shut down on me a day after telling me that she loved me, when she was trying to 'win me round' after an argument.

I truly start to believe then that I could be anybody not somebody special.

Sex was not so great. It felt abusive and pornographic for the most part. Contrary to what one thinks, that just felt controlling and empty. Like a whore you'd want to trash rather than a woman you want to love.

When she rowed my feelings for her unravelled as she was so aggressive. Nothing that had gone before counted for anything.

That's just a little... .

I know my self-belief is lacking. I think I don't exist as worthy unless I am with someone who makes me feel loved and worthy. I must learn to feel worthy for myself.

A lot of me wants to go round and look at her house and see what cars are there. I won't as this is wrong on many levels.

It does however leave me with myself and my own pain.

[Learning_curve74]

I try to remind myself... .

She was not kind and considerate of me and my needs. She was selfish and inconsiderate.

She did not love me, as she said, or certainly as I understand the concept. She shut down on me a day after telling me that she loved me, when she was trying to 'win me round' after an argument.

I truly start to believe then that I could be anybody not somebody special.

Sex was not so great. It felt abusive and pornographic for the most part. Contrary to what one thinks, that just felt controlling and empty. Like a whore you'd want to trash rather than a woman you want to love.

When she rowed my feelings for her unravelled as she was so aggressive. Nothing that had gone before counted for anything.

That's just a little... .

I know my self-belief is lacking. I think I don't exist as worthy unless I am with someone who makes me feel loved and worthy. I must learn to feel worthy for myself.

A lot of me wants to go round and look at her house and see what cars are there. I won't as this is wrong on many levels.

It does however leave me with myself and my own pain.

Aletheia, hang in there! Sounds like you are going through the part where it sometimes gets worse before it gets better. At least that has been my experience. It's like the fever getting worse before it breaks.

Good job listing all those true statements of why the relationship was not good, why she was not a healthy partner for you. Maybe even write it out so you can look at it anytime you feel like checking on her. There is something about a tangible list that you can read in black and white... .it's like reading a news article in the newspaper.

Congratulations on identifying one of your own issues, in seeing that you feel that you are not enough yourself without that other person. If you recognize it and acknowledge it, then you can start to work on it. What are the characteristics of being "worthy"? Of having self value?

Lastly pain can be good at times. It means something is wrong. We are injured and need to heal in some way. So feel the pain and then you can heal. Hang in there! 

[Aletheia]

An unsent letter to my ex-.


In the aftermath of my time with you (I won't say 'time together' as I don't believe you were ever mature enough to actually be truly emotionally present) I spent many hours pondering 'What was that all about'?

You see, to a healthy adult, capable of consistent loving, it is inconceivable that a woman, who declares her love for someone and acts as you did and says the things that you did, could simply stop loving someone and withdraw, overnight. In this respect I am, of course, unassailably correct.

I sensed, many times, that there was 'something not right' about you but could not understand what it was. Nothing I/we did ever cemented increasing intimacy and honesty for you, in the relationship. I could never know if you would be emotionally present or absent, one day to the next. I was too close, too emotionally involved to see clearly.

I have come to understand that I was trying to have a functional relationship with someone who is deeply dysfunctional. As my “love” you were nothing more than an incredibly damaged, self-obsessed, emotionally stunted, psychologically immature, entitled, manipulative, selfish, empathy-challenged, blame-shifting, unaccountable, abusive child in an adult body who is incapable of love.

I know this because I have reflected upon and owned my part and begun moving, substantially, through the pain of growth and tried to understand my mistakes.

I do not blame you and I do not say your behaviour is conscious; not that knowing this will stop you seething and raging at me for saying all this. I imagine it is excruciating and almost unsurvivable for your false-ego. Thank heavens for your DENIAL! It is the reason you are able to survive the pain of living.

I feel sadness for you, as I see just how trapped and desperate you 'don't even know you are'. I don't believe you will ever have a truly loving and interdependent relationship, until and unless you have a great deal of specialist therapy and stop acting emotionally like a three-year-old.

You will not find it easy to change; not even in the unlikely event that you should want to. You are far more likely to continue through your push-pull, love-hate, idealise-devalue relationship cycles with other, equally unconscious, abusive or otherwise dysfunctional partners. Why would you change? It's all you know how to do.

Beneath your fake exterior lie the fractured psychological remains of a three year old.

Your self-aggrandisement and controlling, emasculating statements do nothing to increase your appeal.

In terms of the friendship that is assumed in order for me to respond to you affirmatively, it just doesn't exist between us. I do not consider someone who treats others with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty as anything even approaching a friend.

I recall, first hand, how easily you bhited about your 'friends' when they did the smallest of things that offended your fragile sense of being: Her dress too short and her acting out, her not visiting when she said she would and talking too much about herself; not to mention her suggesting you had life easier as you didn't work. Then there was them going to the park and socialising without you for a change. Goodness!

Like everything else in your life, they are there as objects; either all good or all bad to your child-mind, to make you feel better about yourself, to allow you to keep being a victim.

You may have fooled that needy, enmeshed group of enablers you use and call 'friends', but you do not fool me. You are a professional VICTIM and a liar, full of rage and disappointment, intent on blaming others, anyone but yourself, for your train-wreck of a life. Stop it! Start taking responsibility for yourself. Grow up! You are nearly 40 years old!

You are not responsible for what your parents did to you and what happened to you in your childhood. Your actions and attitudes and dissociative episodes are evidence that you have much pain from which you struggle to escape. You are however responsible for not inflicting the consequences of your pain onto others.

Whilst initially it felt exciting and intense, sex with you was a loveless, dissatisfying, mechanical act with an automaton, who uses her body to gain the validation she  desperately needs, like the oxygen of life, in a desperate bid to numb her pain and control her 'love object' in order to stave off excruciating fears of abandonment. It was like being a human vibrator, a rubbing post for a detached, desperate addict. Ghastly!

It is easy to see how you have twisted and distorted the accounts of your past relationships (including me now, no doubt) in order to set yourself up as the victim of the actions of others; from 'rape' to insults, to abortions, to emotional and physical abuse. I don't say it's all untrue but I don't believe, for one moment, it happened as you say it did and I certainly don't believe, as your psychotic mind convinces you, that you are blameless. Seriously! Have some self-respect and take responsibility for your actions. Like it or not, you are, have always been and always will be 50% of 3everything you do with another.

You will no doubt have noticed that I have called you by your proper name. That is because I now can't help but see your nickname as the ultimate, infantilising corruption of anything vaguely adult about you.

Your children need an example that is strong and independence-giving, not weak, dependent and pathologically, emotionally needy.

'Little girl'... .You need to grow up.

[peas]

This is genius:

In the aftermath of my time with you (I won't say 'time together' as I don't believe you were ever mature enough to actually be truly emotionally present)

[peas]

So what the hell is it that makes it almost intolerable to think of her moving on?

Our own pain from the b/u. At 3.5 months out of a BPD r/s, I think I am beginning to understand this, and it's elementary. Tolerance is directly proportional to where we are in healing from the r/s. As our thoughts and feelings get back on track, the intolerance of our ex's with someone else fades (assuming we are usually healthy individuals). That is my experience so far. The thought of him with someone else is much less painful than right out of the b/u. Those thoughts can still ruin a good night's sleep, but they do not consume me nearly as much as three months ago.