just wondering

[MovingOnForLife]

hi all -

i am having a somewhat bad morning and this thought keeps popping into my head and i was hoping someone here could answer it for me and help me see the light.

my stbx monster (that's my pet name for him) always used to say that I was not supportive.  however, i can remember many times when I tried to help and support him and he always told me no.  for example, we have a very large piece of property and he always complained about mowing the lawn.  Well since i only worked part time i told him that if he taught me how to use the lawn mower (we have a stand up, ride on mower) that i would be happy to mow the lawn on my days off.  he just laughed at me and said, "you can't do that." And continued to say that each and every time i suggested it until I finally stopped asking.

There are many more examples but I don't want to go on and on.  I hope you get the idea.

So does anyone have any ideas as to why he would complain that i don't help and when i do try to help he blows me off?

[Ironmanrises]

That you dont help... .

That is projection.

That he blows you off when you try to help... .

That is devaluation.

All of what you describe is BPD.

A mental disorder.

Hell on earth for those of us who fall in love with them.

[MovingOnForLife]

That you dont help... .

That is projection.

That he blows you off when you try to help... .

That is devaluation.

All of what you describe is BPD.

A mental disorder.

Hell on earth for those of us who fall in love with them.

thank you ironman! 

I am four months into this nightmare and while i'm doing fairly well, i do have some days when i think it might have been me.  That I didn't do enough to save our marriage.  Know I know better. 

hell on earth is right.

[Ironmanrises]

Hang in there Moving.

When you accept that it is a mental disorder... .

And that there was literally nothing you could have done to alter the outcome... .

That is when you will begin to heal.

I know it hurts.

[Jbt857]

It's probably just a way to prove to himself that he is right - that you aren't helpful. It's like it's fulfilling a little mental tick box to justify his own misguided beliefs on your role in the relationship.

I did so much for my ex. So, so much, I'm almost ashamed to even admit.

But he never even acknowledged that stuff, only the stuff I'd offered to help with, and he'd turned me down, or the things where I'd wanted to help, but not been able to for some reason or another. He'd built his little list of 'proof points' he had to use against me when it suited him.

In your case, there's probably some stuff there around his masculinity/male identity being compromised too, with you offering to do what is typically seen as a 'male' job of mowing the lawns. If you'd have done it, and succeeded, then it would be something else he wasn't 'needed' for. I guess maybe he may have found that emasculating.