Think my twin has BPD, don't know how to bring it up

[nightfinn]

Hey everyone. I'm late 20's with a twin sister who lives in the same city, even in the same neighborhood. What I thought was separate depression and anger management issues has slowly become clear that it may be more serious. My therapist told me to read up on borderline personality disorder, to see if it could help explain things, and it explains SO MUCH of what has been going wrong.

We aren't identical, but have no other siblings, so we grew up close. During a particularly difficult time in our family, I took over taking care of her for my parents. They are good, loving parents, and we are very close, but they had relationship issues to work through and we were emotionally left on our own for a time during our formative years. Unfortunately, my taking care of her has gotten dysfunctional and more out of control over the years to the point where I am now withdrawing from her as much as possible. Dealing with her is like walking through a minefield: if I'm not saying the wrong thing, I'm not remembering to ask enough about something else. I'm either not being supportive enough, or being supportive in the wrong way. It's always a lose-lose situation.

She has become impossible and after a big argument on Sunday, I finally clued my parents in on her verbally abusive behavior. In the past few months, I have become her sole pillar of support after a break-up. Having jumped from one relationship to another since she was 15, she is almost 30 and just now alone for the first time in her adult life, and I think she's drowning in it. She hates being at home alone, and needs to be around friends (in a superficial way) as much as possible, yet won't reach out to any of them when she is having tough emotional problems. She has struggled with depression for a number of years, but despite relationships changes, jobs changes, apartment changes, she still seems to be stuck in the same exact place. This pervasive misery is very disconcerting at this point.

Over the past couple of years, I have started slowly withdrawing my constant support and attention, to which she has reacted very angrily. I want to have an adult life that is my own, and I currently have my own problems to deal with that I believe are worthy of my time and attention. But still, she expects me to be thinking of her problems constantly and asking about them and taking her out, and if I'm not, or I'm doing it "wrong," I'm supposed to apologize. This is in stark contrast to her absolute disinterest in my life. She has never once supported me through anything, and never remembers to ask about anything going on with me. I'm currently getting over a devastating break-up myself, and she told me in this last argument that she is "frustrated" with having to hear about it anymore, because I should be over it by now. I imagine this is because this is the first time in my life I have repeatedly tried to bring up an issue related to me that I want to discuss, and she is having a very poor reaction to change. I also have realized that she has never liked any of my boyfriends, has been actively rude, and particularly did not like this past one because I was very happy and not giving her enough attention. They were all distractions from my apparent emotional obligations to her.

It's exhausting! I'm tired of the cycle of her wanting something but not communicating it, waiting until she explodes with rage for not getting it, demanding apologies, and then immediately rejecting my attempts at giving her what she wants because she wants to prove she doesn't need help. Deep down, I know my sister is a good, caring person, I see it occasionally, but this past argument was the first time I really felt like there was something seriously wrong with her perception of reality.

Because I am the number one target for her anger when she doesn't have a boyfriend to pour it onto (I have watched her verbally abuse all of them over the years), I'm not sure I am the best person to suggest she look at borderline personality disorder and see if she can relate to it. But I don't know what else to do. She's been in therapy for three years at least, and from what I can tell, nothing has changed. If anything, her misery and sadness has gotten worse.

Thoughts?

[justnothing]

Hi nightfinn,

I must say, while I don't have much of an answer as to how to bring up the issue of her possibly having BPD (or even if it should be brought up, for that matter), one question that popped to mind while reading your post was – if you two are twins, how come it was always your role to be her caretaker? It's not like she's your baby sister… is it that she's the emotionally needy one therefore it's your job to comply with that? Whose idea was it anyway?

Even if she were your daughter, she's already close to 30 years old, from what you say, and it might be about time she start looking after herself and for ways of providing for her own emotional needs instead of turning to others. And as her twin (and not her parent) it should be a two way street and not the one way street you described.

[Clearmind]

  nightfinn

When we use terms like “withdrawing” guilt often creeps in. nightfinn, sometimes it helps to reframe our thoughts and see that you are now both adults and with that comes certain responsibilities – the main being – separateness.

We need to be mindful of being enmeshed with people with BPD (pwBPD) and allowing them to find their own feet. We can in effect enable their dysfunctional behaviour by rescuing and being 100% available to their woes – which yes leads to complete exhaustion.

As hard as it is we do need to learn to consciously step back and allow them to take care of themselves – so I’m pleased to hear you are beginning to recognize you need a life of your own.

Unfortunately we need to accept they are unable to support us the way we need supporting – this is called radical acceptance of BPD. Do you have other supportive people in your life?

When she targets you with her anger how do you respond, what do you say? Is it on the phone or in person? Sounds to me like some boundaries need to be established so that she can begin to recognize your new limits. I say “new” because boundaries are problem foreign to her and given you have been available to her and the goal posts have moved – she is struggling to cope.

Sis may or may not change her behavior - we can however change our reaction to it and how we internalize it. Do you struggle with your own guilt about stepping back?