Teenage daughter with BPD

[Loveranyway]

Hello everyone.  Our daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD.  We've known for quite some time that things were beyond normal teenage behavior.  We have been foster parents to primarily teen girls for 17 years, so we know about difficult behaviors.  However, it seems that our daughter, who comes from a well rounded, good family, no drug abuse or domestic violence, just normal family issues, has got us stumped.  We constantly worry about her effect on our younger children as she is so cruel to them.  We worry about her well-being.  She has threatened and attempted suicide several times.  She has begun to experiment with drinking and other reckless behaviors.  She was recently picked up for shoplifting with a friend at Walmart.  I don't understand this.  She has a job and can afford to get things that she wants and we make sure to provide her with most of her wants and all of her needs.  She is barely passing most of her classes and failing some.  She is really smart, she is just refusing to be compliant and do the work or simply dress for PE.  I don't get it.  She is sexually promiscuous.  She is totally hung up on a boy that just uses her, but to get back at him, she will seduce and sleep with his friends, only to be the one to get hurt in the end.  She is really vindictive with her dad and me.  She hates us, so she says, wants us dead, so she says, wishes she were never born to us, wants us to just not care about her, let her make her own mistakes and give up on her.  Her hateful words happen on an almost nightly basis.  She tries provoking us into physical altercations.  She actually kicked my husband where it counts this week and his knee jerk reaction slapped her, which he has never done before.  She called the police on him.  They were supportive of us, partly because we've called them on her a few times and they know what we are dealing with and it was clear she was not hurt, other than her pride.  But nevertheless, it was very frustrating for all of us.  She is this way with all of us, including grandparents, aunts and uncles.  She completely alienates herself from everyone.  She avoids all family outings, even opting out of family vacations.  We've recently let her stay with another family member and didn't make her take a weekend trip with us, which involved a major league baseball game and amusement park.  I felt such a loss with her not being with us, but at the same time, it was a welcome break from the drama.  I don't want to feel this way.  I don't want to count down the days until she can actually move out on her own.  That idea scares the daylights out of me.  But she tells us on a daily basis that she can't wait to turn 18 and get out of our house and never look back.  

So, with that being said, I am looking forward to the guidance and support offered by this group.  Thank you for being here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Phoenix.Rising]

  Loveranyway,

I feel sad reading your Introduction, but I am also happy that you have found our forum. 

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

Please do look at the links provided above, as they provide information on effective communication techniques, the role we play, and much more.

Since your daughter is still underage, have you considered placing her in a residential treatment program?

Residential Treatment Program (RTP) or Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)?

Hang in there!  There are solutions.

Phoenix.Rising

[qcarolr]

Loveranyway -

So sorry you and your family have lived with this for so long. Glad you have found us here at bpdfamily.com. There are many resources to help you understand about BPD, how it impacts family dynamics, and ways you can help yourself and your D.

Do you have a T for yourself? Finding someone to give you support is a vital step. Our BPDkids are so overwhelmed by their intense emotions and lack of connection to their abilities to think. It is easy for me to take this personally and shift into a disregulated state too. As I have learned, with the help of support here and in other places in my life, to take care of my needs then I am better able to be there in healthier ways for my DD27 and my gd8 (granddaughter that lives with us).

Those teen years were very intense. What kind of program is she currently involved in - the one that gave the BPD dx? It can be helpful in suggesting resources here to get an idea of what you have already tried. What had some success? What seemed to make things worse?

Hope to hear back from you. Let us know how it is going.

qcr  

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Loveranyway & I'd like to join Phoenix.Rising and qcarolr in welcoming you to this site. I'm so very sorry for all the trauma and pain you have been dealing with regarding your daughter... .It's a good thing that she has been diagnosed, though. At least you know what you are dealing with, and maybe she at some point will start understanding that she needs help. Has she been in any therapy? Since she was diagnosed, was she actually in therapy in the past? I, like qcarolr, am also interested in if you have had any therapy yourself, in order to deal with all of this.

Phoenix gave you some good links to read (at the top of this Board you will find some Suggested Reading and the link What Can a Parent Do that Phoenix mentioned), and that's a great start to begin learning how your daughter's brain works and what lessons you can learn to begin dealing with her in a way that can help your relationship with her.

It sounds like your daughter is in a lot of pain; when our children have BPD they are living in a different reality than we are. They see and hear things differently than we do, and when we learn a new way to see, understand and communicate with them, sometimes that can turn things around to a better place. I am here because of my adult (36) son, who was just diagnosed with BPD in April 2013. His teen years were not as out-of-control as your daughter's are, but we did have to deal with a lot of the same things (he got worse in his 20's & 30's).

The first thing I learned on this site was Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it, and then the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth. And you know what? The absolute minute I started putting those techniques into practice (and I was pretty lame with them at first!), my son's attitude changed. Once you learn these things, you will stop pushing every emotional button in your daughter's head, and that leaves room for her to start reacting differently to you. Things really can get better than they are now... .It's a long road, but you made the first steps of that journey: she got a diagnosis, and you found our site. We can help you, and we're here 24/7... .

Please tell us more of your story, ask your questions, and we'll be here to listen and guide you around this site for the information and educational materials you need. I'm so glad you found us! We're here for you, Loveranyway... .

[Thursday]

Hi loveranyway,

(love your screen name... .sort of says it all I think.

Welcome to the "supporting" board. Your post breaks my heart for you because I've been there and done that. The teen years were very difficult.

My person with BPD is my 22 year old Step Daughter (SD) and we are in a much better place now than when she was in her teens. She doesn't learn from her mistakes the way others do but I think, when she has her ducks more in a row, she does take in and process information more successfully. Maybe this will give you some hope... .

... .because when my SD was your DD's age I could have written you post with the exception that she never told us she wanted to move out. What we heard was that she didn't want to grow up and expected to live with us "forever". Given her behavior and the troubles she created it was the last thing we wanted to hear.

I wish I had know validation skills and other principles learned from reading and on this site when she was younger. She might have had a much easier time of it.

I hope you will find this place a good fit for you. You can learn so much from reading, even more when you post. Our other participants are very, very wise!

Thursday

[js friend]

Hi Loveranyway,

I think my intro was very similar to yours.

My dd was a very angry, secretive, sulky child who seemd her own worse enemy in many ways who alienated everyone around her by either sleeping with their b/fs or her general moodiness. between 14-17yo was a particular difficut time at home for all of us and dd left home soon after her 17 birthday. I have to say that I do believe that dd moving out when she did actually saved our r/s in many ways. Now dd is 19 she has her own place, which she takes pride in, and a baby who she adores, and Iam glad to say that she is doing much better now. She has been more resilant than I ever thought she would be and is more thoughtful of others these days.

The skills I have learnt here on ftf have also been priceless. Coming out of the FOG (Fear,Obligation,Guilt) really helped too. I  had soo much FOG at one point that it was literally making me ill. Once I was able to let go of it and learn how to communicate with my dd is when our r/s began to improve. It still isnt perfect but it is tons bettter than it was when she was younger.

I read and watched as many videos as much as I could on Bpd, because i wanted to know the machanics of the disorder and learnt how to communicate using validation, and I have to tell you validation works. It is a good skill to have and works with everyone. I have to say I use it a lot now, and it just comes automatically:)


I know how you feel right now Loveranyway but take your time and read as much as you can. Once you start using these tools you will be suprised how much things can change between you and your dd.