Do I have to spell it out?

[frustrated b/f]

A little over 30 days N/C, I got another email from my uBDD g/f (ex) today, basically reiterating the brief points I noticed in the unmarked letter she sent last week. This time I read the email.

It was filled with quasi-acknowledgements and the expressed realization of what she had and might loose in light of the impending loss of her mother. The entire letter was filled with Plural Pronouns! (we, our, us, etc.,). She's always been an I, me, & mine type person so I'm extremely skeptical.


I followed the advice from this site to a tee when making my exit; I used definitive language, i verbally expressed the demise of the relationship, and even talked in post-relationship terms when we did communicate.

My question is, Do I need to specifically say "We're broken up?"

[doubleAries]

Sounds like you already spelled it out. Do you think doing it for, say, the 32nd time might do the trick?

I'm going to recommend a great book--"the gift of fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It's filled with really useful information. For example: The person who won't let go chooses a person who can't say NO.

If you want N/C, then you have to do NC. If you are telling this person--again--that you want NC, then you are having contact. What she learns is the price of gaining contact (even negative contact) is several more emails.

For the self centered person, the unusual use of "I, we, our, us" etc is called "forced teaming". This is when a person implies that s/he has something in common with their chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... .Let's go in."

The next step is usually typecasting. An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy/gal like me." The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue.

What's another part of this? Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection. When you say NO and the other person doesn't hear it, refuses to hear it, they are trying to control you. Telling them NO over and over and over proves to them you actually mean "maybe".

If you haven't responded yet, don't. If you have, don't anymore.

[frustrated b/f]

Sounds like you already spelled it out. Do you think doing it for, say, the 32nd time might do the trick?

I'm going to recommend a great book--"the gift of fear" by Gavin DeBecker. It's filled with really useful information. For example: The person who won't let go chooses a person who can't say NO.

If you want N/C, then you have to do NC. If you are telling this person--again--that you want NC, then you are having contact. What she learns is the price of gaining contact (even negative contact) is several more emails.

For the self centered person, the unusual use of "I, we, our, us" etc is called "forced teaming". This is when a person implies that s/he has something in common with their chosen victim, acting as if they have a shared predicament when that isn't really true. Speaking in "we" terms is a mark of this, i.e. "We don't need to talk outside... .Let's go in."

The next step is usually typecasting. An insult is used to get a chosen victim who would otherwise ignore one to engage in conversation to counteract the insult. For example: "Oh, I bet you're too stuck-up to talk to a guy/gal like me." The tendency is for the chosen victim to want to prove the insult untrue.

What's another part of this? Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection. When you say NO and the other person doesn't hear it, refuses to hear it, they are trying to control you. Telling them NO over and over and over proves to them you actually mean "maybe".

If you haven't responded yet, don't. If you have, don't anymore.

Spot-on, thanks for the input! I have not responded and will refrain from doing so.

Side-Note - I still have her building Fob that I was going to drop off at the front desk (first to give it back), but ultimately to let her further know I'm done. Would it be wise to do so, or wait for some arbitrary time to drop it off?

[doubleAries]

is it something really necessary to return? If not, throw it away. If it is, consider mailing it. No note, just the item. that says "here's your thing, but I don't even want to talk to you about it".

I'm not sure what you are saying about the front desk... .does she work at the front desk? live in the same building?

[frustrated b/f]

She lives in a high-rise with a front service desk. I could leave it with doorman.

Anyhow I just thought it might help express the finality of the situation to her. The email was almost delusional. She spoke as if we hadn't missed a beat and we were a full functioning couple. I'm over here trying to go on with my life and she's behaving we're just taking a break. I guess no matter what, N/C is the only way to go.

[seeking balance]

I followed the advice from this site to a tee when making my exit; I used definitive language, i verbally expressed the demise of the relationship, and even talked in post-relationship terms when we did communicate.

My question is, Do I need to specifically say "We're broken up?"

So - you were clear and she emailed you... .why do you think your magic words will do the trick this time?

I understand it is frustrating to not be heard - reminds me of one of the 10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck in article 9 - If we say it often or louder we will be heard.

She is reaching out because it is what she does to self soothe... .sort of like you reach out here for advice to self soothe - the difference is yours is helpful to you and doesn't hurt her or cross any boundaries.  Hers doesn't care about you or your boundaries... .it is all about her needs.

As hard as it is - refrain from reacting to her.  If you do, it teaches her that eventually you will come back if she is persistent enough.

Peace,

SB

[doubleAries]

Yep, I think seeking balance is saying basically the same thing I am.

It was so hard for me to understand for so long, but then I finally had one of those  moments. Why do they do this?

Simple: distraction from the internal psychological turmoil. If the turmoil is intense, the distraction needs to be equally intense.

It has very little to actually do with you, so don't take it personal. Be clear with yourself--"this is not my problem unless I make it my problem". There are lots of distractions out there--you are simply a reliable one. Unless you don't want to be... .