Parenting advice needed

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all. This is my first post to this Board.  I'm the father of a S3 and D5.  Near completion of the divorce.  I have a bit better than 35% time with my kids.  I have met with a therapist who has worked with my STBXW and asked his advice on how best to help my children so they develop into emotionally stable adults.  His response, "... .their mother mother is borderline, they do not escape from this thing undamaged.  You can't save them, but you can show up and be the best stable parent you are capable of being."  I'm particularly  worried about my daughter who acts out emotionally in ways not typical of her age and says things that 'normal' kids of her age don't say about themselves (therapist feedback on that.)  I know how their mother was with me and I know my inner reaction/turmoil despite being an adult and aware of the stbx's disorder.  The same behavior directed toward a child... .well.  To oversimplify here, if they spend the majority of their existence in an environment where sum total of actions and words leads them to think "I'm bad" how does one instill in them, "no, you are good."   I know I can't 'save' them, but I will go to any lengths to mitigate the damage.   My question here is, can anyone recommend any good resources such as books etc?   Any personal experience?  Thanks in advance for your concern/advice.

[theirdad]

Hello all. This is my first post to this Board.  I'm the father of a S3 and D5.  Near completion of the divorce.  I have a bit better than 35% time with my kids.  I have met with a therapist who has worked with my STBXW and asked his advice on how best to help my children so they develop into emotionally stable adults.  His response, "... .their mother mother is borderline, they do not escape from this thing undamaged.  You can't save them, but you can show up and be the best stable parent you are capable of being."  I'm particularly  worried about my daughter who acts out emotionally in ways not typical of her age and says things that 'normal' kids of her age don't say about themselves (therapist feedback on that.)  I know how their mother was with me and I know my inner reaction/turmoil despite being an adult and aware of the stbx's disorder.  The same behavior directed toward a child... .well.  To oversimplify here, if they spend the majority of their existence in an environment where sum total of actions and words leads them to think "I'm bad" how does one instill in them, "no, you are good."   I know I can't 'save' them, but I will go to any lengths to mitigate the damage.   My question here is, can anyone recommend any good resources such as books etc?   Any personal experience?  Thanks in advance for your concern/advice.

[slimmiller]

I read 'the borderline mother' and gained valuable insight on the dynamics of several things. How my exBPD was shaped/molded as a child (her mother is a witch/waif BPD) and also how she now functions or more preciesly, disfunctions as a parent. I cant say that the book gave me any concrete skills or ideas but it did open my eyes drastically as to what I m dealing with and better able to counter some of the dysfunction so to speak.

Another book that I found very insightful is 'divorce poison' It gives you good insight of how to protect yourself from being made out to be the bad guy in the eyes of the kids.

I think your observing your childrens behavour as you pointed out is wonderful. It shows that you are a very aware parent concerned with the childrens well being emotionally. That is a very big challanege when co parenting with an exBPD but there are tools out there to help you.

I also learned so much from being on this board.

Good luck

-slim

[david]

My xBPDw left in 2007. Courts gave mom primary and I got kids EOW, Mondays during the school year, two weeks in summer. That changed to 50/50 in summer.  Then Thursday after school until 8 pm. That changed to 9:30 pm. Going to court soon to get at least Thursday overnight.

I give ex enough rope and she has never failed to use it.

Staying focused on the kids needs helps the kids immensely. They figure it out.

[crystal]

I agree with the book recs.

I actually disagree with you T saying you cant save them-that sounds too negative. 

What can you do? Create a safe harbor. A home that is filled with love and respect. Be a parent that is loving and sets appropriate boundaries. Validate your children when mom hurts them, but dont say bad things about mom (but do acknowledge when her behavior is wrong and hurtful). Dont try to control the time when your kids are with their mom--it doesnt work and will backfire on you. Dont try to make up for moms bad parenting by being overly strict (for me, Dad let S10 eat tons of junk food and never exercise and watch tv all the time so initially I tried to make up for that in my 50% time--double exercise, No junk food. Didnt work.DUH!)  S got angry and he and I Had no fun. Just make your time together a model of good fair, loving parenting. My ex did the Disney dad thing (gifts, trips, no rules etc) and my son kinda loved it for a while and I feared I owuld lose him. But kids are smart... and things slowly shifted, dads erratic behavior became clear to my son. And son has been with me 100% for the last 4 years.

Get a good T for yourself. And make sure your kids T "gets it".

My kids are now 17, 23 adn 24 and they are all doing well. 

[theirdad]

Thanks to everyone for your replies.  Slim, I have begun reading the Borderline Mother book and I intend to read Divorce Poison as well.  David, thank you for sharing your experience.  Your statement, "I give ex enough rope and she has never failed to use it"  is profound, and it made me laugh, something i needed to do.  Thank you Crystal.  It sounds like your kids are testimony to the fact that children with a BPD parent can develop normally.  I cannot tell you the hope your story gives me.   Thanks all. 

[david]

Taking credit where credit is due. That statement came from someone on this site. I do not remember who.

[mother in law]

My advice is to also  use extended family who can help in setting a calm and loving example to your children. We try to do family occasions reasonably often with our granddaughter as well as one on one occasions with her. I have had permission from my son to talk to her if I feel she is worried or starts acting out the same as her BPD mother. We are finding it is slowly working. If you read any of my previous posts you will see we were very worried about her but she is now starting to self regulate when angry. It has taken a concerted team effort to achieve this and I am sure it will be an on going process as we deal with each time her mother "loses the plot". I also agree with the don't talk about the mother in a derogatory way just point out the bad behaviour. Good luck.

[mother in law]

I forgot to say any talk I have is not about her mothers behaviour only about my gd, if she asks about her mother I try to be honest and as kind as possible.I also make the conversation as light as possible and short just so she understands we are there if she needs us.

[david]

mother in law is dead on about raising the kids. If kids only see erratic, irrational behavior that becomes their normal. They are looking for guidance and they will follow that guidance. Giving the kids something to compare helps them a lot.

It takes a focused and consistent effort to help them. It is much easier if both parents are on the same page but that is not our reality or our kids. Learning to listen and validate added with time helped our kids the most.

[AMBishere]

I'm in the same place... .Scared that my ex (BPD) will psychologically injure my child. One thing that I got from my therapist friend was to validate my child's feelings. When the ex does something inappropriate (or damaging), to validate what my child says: "Boy, that must make you sad when your daddy does... ." I am committed to also providing the most loving, nurturing, and supportive environment possible for my boy.