Invited to his therapy session

[Scarlet Phoenix]

After a long summer break, my dBPDbf started up therapy again today. And he told me he wanted to ask his therapist if I could come to a session to "give my perspective on how it is to live with him, so that she hears it from someone else and not just him". The therapist said yes, so now we have an appointment next week. She has earlier in his therapy said that she didn't want to see us for joint sessions, which I think was good at the time. As she's said yes yesterday, it's possible she's seeing some progress in his therapy.

I'm pondering what to say and how to say it. Glad that I'm invited. I don't think it will change much, but it seems a step forward.

Will keep you posted!

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[connect]

Yep - that sounds good and it sounds like progress is being made in T for her to even suggest it  

So you have a week of brainstorming and writing ideas down - I imagine you will go through lots of drafts before you get a final one to go with. Let us know. How will your partner be in the joint session do you think?

[Cipher13]

I think its a good thing or as the potential to be that way. I have a joint session coming up with T and my w soon to. Now we have seen this T together years before but since I have gone back and felt comfortable opening up to what is going one I think she sees that as being of some benefit. I know lately my w said she doesn't want to go butI think she should. She says why so I can say the same things to the T I do to you while you are in there? I said yes please do.

Look at it as something positive to build on. I don't thin preparing to have somethign to say is somethign to really even worry about. It will evolve in the session as it should.

Good luck.

[zaqsert]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix,

Going together can be quite helpful.  I wish you all the best with it!

Although I'm not answering your question directly, here are a few thoughts that come to mind from my experience with my uBPDw.  And also from some experience from a prior uBPDgf (yup, I'm one of those who tried relationships with multiple pwBPD before I figured it out!).

All the tools you know from here still apply in joint T.  It is likely that your bf will be triggered by all the same things that occur outside of T.  He may exhibit BPD behaviors in the session or he may keep himself together during the session.  My wife would sometimes hold it together during the session, only to blow up at me right after the session.  The more you use the tools, the more productive it can be.  Just be mentally/emotionally prepared for any number of odd behaviors to come up (apparent forgetfulness or different recollection of events, projection, rage, silent treatment, etc.).

If you feel that your feelings have not been heard (as happens with many of us in relationships with pwBPD), this can be a good opportunity to get those feelings out.  Just be sure to stick to your feelings and not accidentally assign blame to your bf.  He may well take it as an accusation anyway, but at least you minimize the chances of him doing so, and it will communicate your feelings to his T more clearly and directly.

If this is his T and you have your own, then remember that you are being invited to join his session this one time and possibly more in the future.  With both my uBPDw and my prior uBPDgf, I joined them for a session with their T, and that then morphed into week after week of joint T.  Neither one of them really ever went back to individual therapy for themselves.

Hopefully his T can further contribute to how you two use the tools and improve your communication style and approach to issues.

Good luck!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi all, thank you for your insight and comments.

I think I'll write out some things, for me, in advance, but not take it with me on the day. I like noting it down to make it more clear and to make sure I don't forget something I would like to say.

How will your partner be in the joint session do you think?

We've been to a couple of sessions together, with my therapist, about a year ago. He was surprisingly open during therapy, but with no lasting insight. He might be open to talk about some difficult dynamics, such as push-pull. He has come to realize this dynamic to some extent. He has mentioned a couple of times this summer how he rejects me completely sometimes and how it must be difficult for me and that he doesn't know why he does that.

Look at it as something positive to build on. I don't thin preparing to have something to say is something to really even worry about. It will evolve in the session as it should.

Good luck.

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like a good approach to see it as a building block - one step of the journey

  (yup, I'm one of those who tried relationships with multiple pwBPD before I figured it out

All the tools you know from here still apply in joint T (... .)  Just be mentally/emotionally prepared for any number of odd behaviors to come up (apparent forgetfulness or different recollection of events, projection, rage, silent treatment, etc.).

Good luck!

Thanks! I'll be sure to use the excellent communication tools we talk about here. I think the SET format will be important and talking about behaviours, not the person.

It's his therapist, I have another. If my partner and his therapist think it will be beneficial to do more couple sessions, I'm all for it. I'll go with whatever his therapist suggests- He's had about 6 months of solo therapy.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Update:

So we had the joint therapy session yesterday, and it went really well. The therapist was gentle, using a lot of validation, but still calling my dBPDbf on his behaviour from time to time, challenging him to see things differently. She brought up how feeling DON'T equal facts which made me think of you all since that it something we often mention in here  She also coached him in how he could use validation when expressing a difference in opinion rather than go directly into attack/rage mode.

I'm sure these are all baby steps and it will take my dBPDbf a long time to change his patterns, but it's good news that he's still committed to going to therapy. We also talked about how I must work on taking time outs with detachment (not doing it with resentment), like we talk about in here.

All in all she touched on many of the tools we discuss here, though she didn't put names on them. She just explained how to do it or what to say and why this would be helpful for us. I came out feeling very validated by her, and I felt like she was a bit protective of me. So now I'm a big fan of her   dBPDbf was defensive at first, but later got very involved and held my hand, stroking it, for the last half of the session. Afterwards he was a bit closed off/cold, as I thought he might be. I think it must have bit a tough session for him. This morning he was very sweet with me, before going to work.

I hope we can do some more couple sessions from time to time, but I'll let it be up to the therapist and my dBPDbf.

[zaqsert]

Very glad to hear that it went so well!   

Thanks for sharing the update.

[123Phoebe]

Aw Scarlet, this all sounds great   I'm so happy for both of you

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you both 

[Grey Kitty]

  This sounds like great news. It is pretty clear that this T knows the right tools to deal with BPD behaviors... .and that addressing the behaviors directly is more effective most of the time.

I'm very happy to hear your bf's progress, and that you are doing well yourself!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you 

Yeah, I like how she addressed specific behaviours as they came up instead of talking a lot of theory.

[Seashells]

Very happy to read the good outcome, and thanks for sharing the experience with the rest of us.

It's reallly nice to be able to read about a positive experience. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you Seashells 

[Reg]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix,

Just wanted to say that I'm happy for the both of you that things are going the right way !

It is a message of hope for many people