She's contacted my mother, extremely frustrated

[frustrated b/f]

I got a text a few weeks ago informing me she was flying to my home state (2k miles away) and that she wanted to contact my mother. I did  not respond to maintain NC. I was advised to tell my mother not to meet with her. I totally forgot to reach out to my mother and today I get an email from my Mom saying my uBPD g/f (ex) reached out to her and requested to come by this weekended. My mom continued to say that didn't know whats going on between us, but would welcome her over to visit.

I know I dropped the ball by not proactively reaching out to my mom when I got the text, but honestly I was just trying to get it out of my head. I replied to my mother and firmly requested that she not meet her and that I was trying to keep NC and heal. I hate that she's in the middle of this, and I'm sure she won't enjoy having to be!

I seriously question her whole motive, she's the type to fly out there specifically to see my mother and make up another reason why she's there.  I've never even met her mother before! I feel so violated, possessed and frustrated!

[heartandwhole]

Oh, that is frustrating!  I would feel that way, too.  Wondering what the exgf was going to tell my mom!

Maybe it's best to not get involved – you can't control what your ex (or your mom) does, but you don't have to be a part of it.  Can you keep yourself occupied and busy this weekend with things and people that are meaningful to you?

This certainly isn't ideal, and I'm glad your ex isn't knocking on your door.  

Keep us posted,  frustrated b/f !

[musicfan42]

I've gone No Contact twice and literally both times, my exes were reaching out to my parents. 

heartandwhole wonders what the exgf was going to tell your mother. I can make a guess-"frustrated b/f isn't talking to me anymore and I don't know what to do. Can you get him to ring me? I love him so much. I don't know why he's not responding to my texts/phone calls... he normally does." etc etc. Repeat ad nauseum until your mother thinks "oh that poor girl", relents and intervenes on her behalf. Basically, adopt the victim role and get your mother to "rescue" her. Have you read the thread on Karpman's Drama Triangle? It's in the workshop section of this website-it's very helpful. I'm guessing that you fulfilled the rescuer role within the relationship so now she's at a bit of a loss... no one to rescue her anymore.

The good news is that if you stick to your guns, she should (hopefully) stop. A good strategy is just to pretend that she doesn't exist-don't worry "oh is she going to contact me or my family again?" Just try to get on with your life as normal. You will be able to handle it if/when she does contact again. As long as you maintain NC, then you're cool basically. I know it's hard not to worry "are they going to contact me again?" however it's a waste of time as you can't control someone else's actions, just your own.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey musicfan, well, you can't prevent her from meeting with your mother, but you could let your mother know that you prefer that she not meet with your ex.  Don't think you need to say more; your mother will get the idea.  Also, I view this as a not-so-subtle manipulation on the part of your Ex to get you emotionally invested again by triangulating with your Mother, so tread carefully.  Lucky Jim

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks for the input guys! After initially demanding my mother not meet with her. I emailed my mother and explained that I cannot control the actions of others and for her to do what she thinks is best. She replied that "she'll meditate on it." I love my mom, and I think she can sense my own pain and frustration.

I'm letting it go, I will maintain NO CONTACT, and continue to focus on improving myself day to day.


This board has been a great support and I'm emphatically glad I joined!

[Lucky Jim]

Hi frustrated (sorry to refer to you as musicfan!), Your mother sounds like a nice person who will handle the situation with aplomb!  Nice to have you on board, 

Lucky Jim

[Reg]

Hi frustrated b/f,

Does your Mom know the reason why you are no longer together, that is the borderline, and did you explain it to her a little bit ?

I think this is after all an important fact... .

Reg

[frustrated b/f]

Hi frustrated b/f,

Does your Mom know the reason why you are no longer together, that is the borderline, and did you explain it to her a little bit ?

I think this is after all an important fact... .

Reg

Yes, I recently disclosed the BPD issues to my mother, though no one else really knows about it. My mom is a Therapist by trade and basically warned me of the dangers and advised to detach slowly. She was not aware of the NC though.

[GreenMango]

See here is where I wonder if no contact isn't as productive as we believe it to be.

[frustrated b/f]

Well, as far as I know, she was a no-show to my parents house!

I'd truly put it out of my head when my Mom emailed me and said she hadn't shown up as 5pm Sunday evening. 

[charred]

My sister introduced me to my pwBPD... and was her friend for years, but when we broke up... .my exBPDgf went to my 72 yr old mother to try to convince her to intervene. She avoided my sister, because my sister has worked with disordered people, doesn't give her an inch and would confront her on everything she did to cause a breakup. Anyway she went to my mother, who listened and then said... ."sorry... .but its not my problem, you are old enough to deal with it yourself."  Which I thought was great. Then my mom called me and said you are not going to believe who visited me trying to get me to talk you in to getting back with them... .

I am 50+... .talking to my mom would have been about right for early middle school... our pwBPD are pretty immature.

[frustrated b/f]

My sister introduced me to my pwBPD... and was her friend for years, but when we broke up... .my exBPDgf went to my 72 yr old mother to try to convince her to intervene. She avoided my sister, because my sister has worked with disordered people, doesn't give her an inch and would confront her on everything she did to cause a breakup. Anyway she went to my mother, who listened and then said... ."sorry... .but its not my problem, you are old enough to deal with it yourself."  Which I thought was great. Then my mom called me and said you are not going to believe who visited me trying to get me to talk you in to getting back with them... .

I am 50+... .talking to my mom would have been about right for early middle school... our pwBPD are pretty immature.

Ha! Awesome story charred!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Frustrated, In my experience, those w/BPD will try to intimidate through threats, yet if you call their bluff, as you did by not trying to stop the visit with your mother, the pwBPD will often back down and retreat when he/she sees that his/her effort at manipulation has failed.  All part of the FOG, in my view.  Thanks for keeping us posted!  Lucky Jim

[frustrated b/f]

Thanks Lucky Jim. I read articles and know the symptoms and patterns, however it's always harder to apply them to your  own real life situations. I never looked at it that way!