Sister wants a "fresh start"

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I am due to visit my home country next month. I missed my father's funeral early last year due to back surgery and need to go scatter his ashes at sea as promised. For the past year my uBPD sister has been spitting nails at me in a new level of shock value. I've held steady with calm and reasonable responses, but it has had an awful effect on me inside. Now that the reality of me showing up in front of family and a nursing home staff is hitting her, my sister has sent me an email saying she's glad I understand she only said those things in anger (I haven't said anything about her anger). She says she needs to send me another email in order for her to find closure and figure out her future and that this visit would be a good time for a "fresh start."

Frankly, I'd rather swallow battery acid than have a fresh start with her.

But, does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this "fresh start" business. Is it a characteristic of BPD? She appears to have finally realized that I probably have an archive of all the threats and blaming etc she has emailed to me. It's not exactly remorse, it's that she has run out of things to blame on me and realizes she might catch some blame for her actions. She's digging desperately to get out of her hole.

I don't play games or do drama. I'm unlikely to reveal the archived ___storms unless there's a lot at stake. However, I'm tied up in knots inside just knowing that she's about to send me ANOTHER F-ING EMAIL and then wants me to wipe the slate clean. She's probably going to demand that I apologize to her for the fact she absolutely cannot apologize.

[targetonmyback]

I am due to visit my home country next month. I missed my father's funeral early last year due to back surgery and need to go scatter his ashes at sea as promised. For the past year my uBPD sister has been spitting nails at me in a new level of shock value. I've held steady with calm and reasonable responses, but it has had an awful effect on me inside. Now that the reality of me showing up in front of family and a nursing home staff is hitting her, my sister has sent me an email saying she's glad I understand she only said those things in anger (I haven't said anything about her anger). She says she needs to send me another email in order for her to find closure and figure out her future and that this visit would be a good time for a "fresh start."

Frankly, I'd rather swallow battery acid than have a fresh start with her.

But, does anyone have any advice for how to deal with this "fresh start" business. Is it a characteristic of BPD? She appears to have finally realized that I probably have an archive of all the threats and blaming etc she has emailed to me. It's not exactly remorse, it's that she has run out of things to blame on me and realizes she might catch some blame for her actions. She's digging desperately to get out of her hole.

I don't play games or do drama. I'm unlikely to reveal the archived ___storms unless there's a lot at stake. However, I'm tied up in knots inside just knowing that she's about to send me ANOTHER F-ING EMAIL and then wants me to wipe the slate clean. She's probably going to demand that I apologize to her for the fact she absolutely cannot apologize.

[Clearmind]

Fresh start to my BPD aunt is to blow off steam with accusations and blame.

You can wait for the email and see if she owns her stuff – for me to have a fresh start with anyone it would require the other person to have some insight into their behaviour and how they plan to change  it in the future.

This could be a good time for to set boundaries to target. For example; not responding to any emails that contain accusations or blame or venom. Its best not to respond to any emails of such nature - not even calm and reasonable responses.

This visit of yours could be triggering for her. Who knows

What are your thoughts?

[targetonmyback]

not responding to any emails that contain accusations or blame or venom. Its best not to respond to any emails of such nature - not even calm and reasonable responses.

This visit of yours could be triggering for her. Who knows

What are your thoughts?

Thank you so much for responding so fast and with such clarity.

There was an initial email that began this last year of venom. I actually didn't respond to it and it caused months of her demanding an apology and escalating her attacks. Once I sent the demanded apology she lost some intensity. At the time I was worn down to where I realized an apology would be validating a false accusation, but I had so much else on my plate that I just wanted her to stop. Wrong tactic, since I'm still wading in it all.

I can imagine that my visit is triggering her in some way. She's offering all kinds of hospitality after months of telling me we weren't welcome at her home etc (we never asked to stay at her home because obviously it's not a terrific situation to be at her mercy re food/lodging/transport). I truly don't know how to approach this situation. In the past our mother (now in a local nursing home) has pressured me to keep the peace, which gives me no peace. In the past I would've caved and gone to stay with sister/gone to all the dinners/teas etc that she demanded. I cannot do it again. My sister's behavior seems to be a mental maneuver for her comfort so she can say that she's offered abundant hospitality and I have been too weird to accept it and how could I be so cold/callous and whatnot.

I could set a boundary that I will see her the one time that it is necessary to pick up the ashes. My fiance, who is accompanying me and is prepared to do/say whatever it takes, thinks it'll take more than one meeting to actually get the ashes from her. I'm really not sure what to do if I set a boundary and then it just gets trampled on by her need to force me to capitulate.

I feel totally unprepared and very frightened.

[Clearmind]

Target, I think you are very wise not relying on her or being at her mercy. It’s about separateness and you cannot maintain healthy boundaries if you are at her mercy – recipe for complete disaster.

Its oh so tempting to just apologize to keep the peace – and yes you are right in the long run it does not help anyone including BPDsis.

Inevitably the spreading of the ashes is a family thing and will need some navigating. Contact over the arrangements will most likely need to be quite clear however also being mindful that this could be triggering for her.

Certainly using validation can help – acknowledge her emotions (not her actions/behavior) whilst making arrangements e.g. "I'm sorry you feel like that, that must feel terrible"

Hubby probably needs to also be mindful that going in on the defensive if she bucks up will only make it worse. Not engaging in any form of venomous attacks from BPDsis is wise.

Its likley she may want to chat about the "fresh start" - I would ensure the spreading of the ashes is done first.

What are your thoughts about her wanting to chat about this "fresh start"? How do you think it will go?

[targetonmyback]

Certainly using validation can help – acknowledge her emotions (not her actions/behavior) whilst making arrangements e.g. "I'm sorry you feel like that, that must feel terrible"

Hubby probably needs to also be mindful that going in on the defensive if she bucks up will only make it worse. Not engaging in any form of venomous attacks from BPDsis is wise.

Its likley she may want to chat about the "fresh start" - I would ensure the spreading of the ashes is done first.

What are your thoughts about her wanting to chat about this "fresh start"? How do you think it will go?

The ashes are mine to do alone, since it requires going out to sea. I've requested to receive the ashes at the beginning of the visit.

I'll practice validation with DF so that when we get there we can both remember to focus on validating her feelings not her actions.

Yes, in her email she said she wanted to Skype to discuss whatever is in the final email, this would be prior to my arrival in my home country. I haven't received the final email yet. I'm very uncomfortable discussing a fresh start with her, I think it would absolve her of owning her behavior. I'm not sure if that is the best way to handle it. Previous fresh starts have always landed me back in hell.

I would prefer to go NC with her after picking up the ashes, but I feel she has me over a barrel because she uses our mom's health as a surefire way to force me to respond. Mom is now in a nursing home and has plenty of finances currently to pay for it. Sister has POA (enacted without my knowledge) and gives her husband all the financial work, then tells me he's having to do my share of the work. POA authorities tell me there's nothing I can do to help from my overseas location, I would have to be in the country. Much of the anger is because I wasn't there to help when our dad became ill and died. However, at the time I had just had major back surgery and couldn't walk or drive, I was single parenting my 23 yo autistic and low iq daughter and my high school age son. Although I understand the apparent unfairness of sister's situation of having to deal with family duties alone, it was absolutely impossible for me to do much to help apart from research I could do on the computer.