Certainly using validation can help – acknowledge her emotions (not her actions/behavior) whilst making arrangements e.g. "I'm sorry you feel like that, that must feel terrible"
Hubby probably needs to also be mindful that going in on the defensive if she bucks up will only make it worse. Not engaging in any form of venomous attacks from BPDsis is wise.
Its likley she may want to chat about the "fresh start" - I would ensure the spreading of the ashes is done first.
What are your thoughts about her wanting to chat about this "fresh start"? How do you think it will go?
The ashes are mine to do alone, since it requires going out to sea. I've requested to receive the ashes at the beginning of the visit.
I'll practice validation with DF so that when we get there we can both remember to focus on validating her feelings not her actions.
Yes, in her email she said she wanted to Skype to discuss whatever is in the final email, this would be prior to my arrival in my home country. I haven't received the final email yet. I'm very uncomfortable discussing a fresh start with her, I think it would absolve her of owning her behavior. I'm not sure if that is the best way to handle it. Previous fresh starts have always landed me back in hell.
I would prefer to go NC with her after picking up the ashes, but I feel she has me over a barrel because she uses our mom's health as a surefire way to force me to respond. Mom is now in a nursing home and has plenty of finances currently to pay for it. Sister has POA (enacted without my knowledge) and gives her husband all the financial work, then tells me he's having to do my share of the work. POA authorities tell me there's nothing I can do to help from my overseas location, I would have to be in the country. Much of the anger is because I wasn't there to help when our dad became ill and died. However, at the time I had just had major back surgery and couldn't walk or drive, I was single parenting my 23 yo autistic and low iq daughter and my high school age son. Although I understand the apparent unfairness of sister's situation of having to deal with family duties alone, it was absolutely impossible for me to do much to help apart from research I could do on the computer.