Seeing my long-distance uBPDh for 1st time in 2.5 months

[SweetCharlotte]

He is coming for the weekend. This is the man who deserted me early in the summer when we were supposed to spend two months together, saying that I had "created an unsafe situation." I went through so much pain, but I did finish the project I needed to complete at home, and now it looks like the way is prepared for me to be promoted at work.

He never apologized or went for therapy, just texted that he loved me over and over. We started talking on the phone and skyping again. I still love him, but I am kind of scared. I tried hard before to walk on eggshells and it backfired because when I am especially tired or stressed I can't stand it anymore and I explode. I am hoping to use some communication and relating skills learned here (Karpman Triangle, SET, DEARMAN--I think the latter is too advanced for me still).

Does anyone have any advice? Especially for how not to fall into the trap of belly-aching over the time we spent apart, all the tears and his lack of sympathy? And my creeping cynicism over the way he always comes back in time for the holidays? Also, this time my kids (S16 and most of all D10) have had it with him. Just before he walked out, he threatened to harm or erase our computer hard drive, which upset them. Now he claims he doesn't remember doing this.

On Saturday night we will attempt an actual "date," which we haven't done in a long time: dinner and a movie.

[eeyore]

Does anyone have any advice? Especially for how not to fall into the trap of belly-aching over the time we spent apart, all the tears and his lack of sympathy? And my creeping cynicism over the way he always comes back in time for the holidays?

Really think hard about what your boundaries are going to be.  That means holding to the consequence of a boundary being broken.   Have you thought of any?  What is important to you?


Have an idea of what your thoughts are about:

If he come back and maintains that nothing happened and all is now "fine" how will that make you feel?  Are you ok with that?   What if he says the right things about being together in the now but blames you for his absence?  And what if he tries to go further and even scold or punish you?   

What are your plans this holiday season?  What if you decide you want to be with just your kids for the holiday? 

[SweetCharlotte]

Really think hard about what your boundaries are going to be.  That means holding to the consequence of a boundary being broken.   Have you thought of any?  What is important to you?

For one thing, he is no longer invited to play co-parent with me. I used to accept his advice on keeping my kids in line and I let him "support me" when I adopted his disciplinary measures. That was for the birds. He wanted control over them and was never satisfied with the result. From now on I am the only one parenting. He can sulk about it and I'll leave the room.

I don't think he will blame me for his absence. He has come as close as he can to accepting responsibility, with a rueful "C'est la vie."

Thank you, Eeyore; I'll think of other possible boundaries and consequences. If we are back on track (which is likely, since this is the pull-in part of his cycle), I'd rather not spend the holidays without him.

[eeyore]

Thank you, Eeyore; I'll think of other possible boundaries and consequences. If we are back on track (which is likely, since this is the pull-in part of his cycle), I'd rather not spend the holidays without him.

Please think about if one of your boundaries is crossed are you willing to spend the holidays without him?  Can you give up a nice holiday to meet your objective of maintaining good boundaries?

[Surnia]

Hi SweetCharlotte

let me first say this: Great you could complete a project! Way to go! 

About his visitation: I hear worries and scary feelings too - do you have also some joy or pleasure about it or is it more obligation? Or is the fear just too strong?

[SweetCharlotte]

Surnia: what my messages don't show is the spring in my walk and the sparkle in my eyes now that I know he is coming. I am definitely happy about it. I just wish there wasn't a push-away phase down the road, who knows where or when (it averages about once a year).

Eeyore; you're right. The perfect consequence if he should cross one of my boundaries on this visit is to not allow him to come for one of the winter holidays. Let's hope he will be a Gallant and not a Goofus this weekend (any readers of the old Highlights magazine out there? Goofus and Gallant were two boys who looked identical, but one always did the wrong thing and one behaved perfectly). Or else let him be something in-between that I can live with! Galloof?

[eeyore]

I totally understand what you are saying that you are happy for the reconciliation but that happiness is now also tainted by the waiting for the shoe to drop feeling.  It's just a defense mechanism we all have now due to our experiences.  We know our problem hasn't truly been fixed.   

[SweetCharlotte]

My T had advised me to enjoy the weekend and not bring up what happened over the summer. I could have done so and it would have been a dream, but a dream from which I would fear waking up. This morning I did bring it up, phrasing it as, "What can we do to prevent that from happening again?" And of course, he blamed me for everything, citing things I had not said or done. I told him he was mistaken. He said that next time he would call the police on me and let them decide who was at fault. I left the room for a while and when I came back, he was all sweetness again.

It became clearer to me that what happened was an extinction burst, because I did not allow him to sleep outside of my/our bedroom in order to protect my D10 from inadvertent contact with him at night when I'm asleep. If I need to insist that he stop doing something in the future because I'm making him respect a boundary, I will always have to be careful that my conduct is blameless (as it was on that night—07/16/13— I didn't lay a hand on him, threaten him, or even raise my voice), because he WILL call authorities. My only worry is that he could call authorities and accuse me of something I haven't done. I've seen this repeatedly on these boards.

[eeyore]

My only worry is that he could call authorities and accuse me of something I haven't done. I've seen this repeatedly on these boards.

Really, that's your only worry?  It's your home, correct?  If he calls the authorities and it's your home he'll be the one who needs to leave.  Am I missing something?

[SweetCharlotte]

Really, that's your only worry?  It's your home, correct?  If he calls the authorities and it's your home he'll be the one who needs to leave.  Am I missing something?

Yes, it's my home and my children. However, I suppose he is referring to an imaginary "unsafe situation" in which I am an immediate threat to him and/or the children. For example, if I have hurt someone or threatened to hurt someone. In that case, if he accuses me and they believe him, I could be arrested.

[eeyore]

I don't think I could live with the threat that he would harm my children by being arrested.  For me that would be a deal breaker. 

[SweetCharlotte]

I don't think I could live with the threat that he would harm my children by being arrested.  For me that would be a deal breaker.  

He is is threatening to call the authorities if I ever do anything he considers "unsafe." The intention would be to have ME arrested and taken out of the home. He considers me raising my voice to be "unsafe" (but I didn't even do that on the night in question—07/16/13). The police would not arrest me for that, but I think they would arrest me if he accused me of harming him physically or of threatening him with bodily harm. That is, if they believe him rather than me (and my children, if they can serve as witnesses).

It would be a deal-breaker for me if he were to do it, even once. However, he is just SAYING that he will do it in the future instead of walking out on me, because I have objected to him walking out on me 2.5 months ago. I don't know how seriously I should take it. Bear in mind that he was physically assaulted in childhood by his mother and brothers (including hospitalizations), and he was sexually abused by his mother. He has never sought treatment for this. He definitely has flashbacks and projects them onto me as the cause.

So, does anyone know if this is a threat that should be taken seriously, or is he just blowing smoke?

[eeyore]

SweetCharlotte,  I know myself.  I know I am a person that is normally very laid back.  I don't get upset over things other people would.  So if you are the same type as me then the threats have to really bother you.  For me it would bother me enough to say my boundary is you won't ever threaten me ever with something like that.  Just the threat would be enough for me to say if you really feel that way then we are in a very unhealthy relationship and I need to be healthy.  This isn't working for me.  And if you ever tried to do it in real life there would be great consequences.  Consequences for falsely accusing, consequences for harming me, my family etc.  

I understand you feel differently and I'm here for you as a friend.  I'll support you with your decision.  I've received various verbal onslaughts where I've just said do you really mean that or are you just trying to shock and awe me?  I've always heard back just shock and awe.  I've then said don't ever say that again. A few times of asking do you really mean that those issues went away.