So what is this?

[CS4Ever]

Had an odd development tonight and was curious what someone else's read might be on it.

The short of it is that my uBPDw, after being caught in an emotional affair, has painted me almost entirely black and has spent the last month or two dredging up every past thing I've said or done as an excuse for why she is so unhappy. It very much feels like she is working herself up to justifying a divorce, but at the same time is almost paranoid in her worry that I'm preparing to divorce her.

I've made some efforts at self improvement which have all been taken as either false, patronizing, or sneaky ways to improve my position in some future divorce proceeding. The situation has escalated twice when I did something with our two boys. Once when she asked for a separation after I insisted on walking them to the bus stop more often and again when she asked me to move out after I volunteered to chaperone one of the boys field trips.

This is a change, in that while the boys have always had a bit of a preference for me, I've generally let her take the lead in parenting. Something I'm not willing to do now that divorce is on the table.

Anyway, I told her I was going to talk to a lawyer before I left the house as that seems like big step to take with no guidance. I was up front about the fact that I was shopping around for a lawyer and that no changes would happen till I had representation.

The following morning she started moving my stuff out of the master bedroom (I've been sleeping in the office for a while) and I told her that it didn't seem like she loved me anymore and that if that was the case I'd prefer we just find a mediator and get this over with as quickly and amicably as possible. She got angry for bringing up such a touchy subject before she went to work, conveniently ignoring the fact that she had started moving my stuff out of the bedroom in the first place.

So this evening comes along and she is distraught that one of her girlfriends canceled on her for dinner and calls me to let me know. I was sympathetic and we had an ok conversation. A few hours later i get a text that says that she loves me and hopes we can fix it, but that she doesn't trust me and that me seeing a lawyer is breaking her heart.

I responded that I was sorry if seeing the lawyer hurt her, that it was perfectly understandable that it would, but that I didn't have much of a choice after she invited me to leave the house. What followed was an odd conversation where she alternately told me she wanted to work on it but didn't trust me, going so far as to say that I was texting her nice things to document them. Though she of course texted me first and I'm not really clear on how saying nice things helps in a divorce?

Honestly just confused now. Would have been easier if she'd said she didn't love me... .

[Surnia]

I could not agree more about your last sentence, CS4ever!

I can only guess, one guess is that there are some projections going on from her side. Her text about seeing a lawyer shows some insight, given it is honest.

On the other side: Validation is a good thing! Not so good is validation with but - I can understand that you feel... .but I had to do so... .is more a justifying than validation.

Its not much I can offer right now... .I hope this helps a little bit.

[Aussie0zborn]

... .she alternately told me she wanted to work on it but didn't trust me... .

This is very confusing indeed. I've been there. She wants to "work on it" in my opinion means that she is open to "fixing" the marriage and will make every effort, but you not being trustworthy means that she will fail to fix it because of the type of person that you are - untrustworthy, unappreciative, uninterested, un-everything. Conclusion : it's all your fault.

She worries about her friend canceling dinner but is not worried about her husband seeking a divorce lawyer? It's amazing where their priorities lie.

Yes, it would be easier if she just said she didn't love you but these relationships are never easy - not easy for the non, and not easy for the pwBPD. The difference is the pwBPD will lie, cheat and manipulate to gain a benefit and give nothing in return. 

I don't think you are reading any of this wrong but there is no harm in doing a reality check before taking action.  That's my $0.02c worth.

[CS4Ever]

Thanks for the insight Surnia. I'm afraid you have good point on "but" not having its place in a validation statement. I'm trying but its a challenge to set aside my own worries/concerns/needs to justify my own actions and simply validate her feelings. The fact that she wants to paint me black and see everything in the worse possible light makes it hard not to be defensive. But I'm trying, hopefully it will get easier and or seem more natural with time.

I'm interested in understanding your comments on both the projection and the insight around the lawyer comment however. What exactly are you thinking with each?

Thanks for the comments and the support.

[CS4Ever]

Thanks for the comments Aussie (great name btw). Your thinking the same thing as me in terms of her trying to put the blame for things being unfixable on me. She's gotten to the point where even if I send her a nice text she claims its just me trying to document things and improve my position in a divorce. This of course makes it impossible to really make any forward progress.

Worse than this, her behavior seems to be escalating. The day after the exchange I described she broke a longstanding (1 month) agreement we had about who had the kids on what day. Claiming that a day that had previously been mine was hers. This of course was my fault too.

My response was to ask that everything be documented in mail from here on out. Which just plays into her previously expressed fear about me documenting things for the divorce.

At this point I'm beginning to think that a formal separation with documented ground rules is the best route to take. Perhaps some time will help her to get some perspective and re-regulate. While I certainly need a break from the daily stress. Though this again plays into her fears and makes the whole thing feel very self fulfilling.

An apartment done the street and regular days with the boys without all her drama is looking nicer and nicer- and not in a million years did I ever think I'd make that kind of statement about my wife. Such a messed up situation.

[Surnia]

Hi CS4ever

It could be projection to move you out bc of something with the kids instead of dealing with her own feelings about the emotional affair.

About this sentence:

A few hours later i get a text that says that she loves me and hopes we can fix it, but that she doesn't trust me and that me seeing a lawyer is breaking her heart.

You know her better than me. If she is genuine and not someone who easily says nice words, its something personal about herself, like a insight, she is showing some vulnerabilty here.

About Validation and not arguing or defending: Yes, this is really not easy, I know it! 

[CS4Ever]

This is hands down the best explanation of projection that I've heard so far Surnia. I've been assuming that projection meant that her accusations of me lying about this or that meant she was doing the same about something else (and I suppose they still might). But the why of it makes a lot more sense if you think about it in the context of 'she did something she feels guilt about, now she has to find something to not only justify that but make any consequences my fault'.

Its not so much about reflecting her behavior as justifying or mitigating it.

She rarely opens up but I think the breaking my heart thing was honest. Its just so ironic that her vulnerability comes now. I don't think I'll ever get her to understand how her asking me to leave felt or that seeing a lawyer is a perfectly reasonable response to that request.

Its just so frustrating. I'm in a place where I have to protect myself and my time with the kids, which means doing things I know will escalate the situation. I don't have enough trust in her to take the risk of not doing those things at this point, which likely means the situation will spiral down into an outcome neither of us really wants.