Some days it's very hard to take

[Depression = 72% of members]

As others have mentioned: I can never predict what I will come home to but it's frequently an emotional bomb needing to blow off/up. Today the problems were: 1. The Drs. Office screwed up her Rx. Sent wrong med. to the wrong pharmacy. 2. A building maintenance person had to come in to check the bathroom for leaks (there were none).

Her MO  is to wildly over react, punish those who are responsible ( or just happen to be around) and beat what ever is bothering her into the ground . When this is going on, it requires a lot of patience because she won't let go and frequently recycles her complaints/issues and we have to listen over and over gain.

In the first instance ( Rx ) she never realized what the cause was but kept healthcare providers on the phone for almost an hour giving them a hard time in a loud and angry voice (but she is the victim in her own mind).

In the second instance I was astonished and embarrassed when she started yelling profanities regarding the visit from the maintenance man- while he was in the living room with us!

My problem is my inability to tolerate this behavior much longer. I hate it. I have tried detaching with love, praying for her- realizing she's ill (even if she does not), validating her emotions ( I could not even do that today). The best I could do was sit and listen and resist the urge to give advise and express my anger, disgust and embarrassment over her counterproductive behavior. The episode concluded with her drinking 3-4 glasses of wine instead of eating dinner and then going to bed in the guest room (which has become her bedroom). Any advise /suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks. THEO

[Theo41]

As others have mentioned: I can never predict what I will come home to but it's frequently an emotional bomb needing to blow off/up. Today the problems were: 1. The Drs. Office screwed up her Rx. Sent wrong med. to the wrong pharmacy. 2. A building maintenance person had to come in to check the bathroom for leaks (there were none).

Her MO  is to wildly over react, punish those who are responsible ( or just happen to be around) and beat what ever is bothering her into the ground . When this is going on, it requires a lot of patience because she won't let go and frequently recycles her complaints/issues and we have to listen over and over gain.

In the first instance ( Rx ) she never realized what the cause was but kept healthcare providers on the phone for almost an hour giving them a hard time in a loud and angry voice (but she is the victim in her own mind).

In the second instance I was astonished and embarrassed when she started yelling profanities regarding the visit from the maintenance man- while he was in the living room with us!

My problem is my inability to tolerate this behavior much longer. I hate it. I have tried detaching with love, praying for her- realizing she's ill (even if she does not), validating her emotions ( I could not even do that today). The best I could do was sit and listen and resist the urge to give advise and express my anger, disgust and embarrassment over her counterproductive behavior. The episode concluded with her drinking 3-4 glasses of wine instead of eating dinner and then going to bed in the guest room (which has become her bedroom). Any advise /suggestions will be appreciated. Thanks. THEO

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Hang in there man.

We just watch the patterns and try to defuse. We just hold our tongues and not make it worse.

Any chance of her being willing to consider therapy?

[Theo41]

Hang in there man.

We just watch the patterns and try to defuse. We just hold our tongues and not make it worse.

Any chance of her being willing to consider therapy?

No, she is in TOTAL denial, has repeatedly refused to go to therapy and doesn't want me going either " because I dont want you talking about me."

I agree about holding the tongue. There's an expression in Alanon: Don't do something. Just stand there.  It works for me but is puzzling to others: " You need to take her aside and read the riot act . "

[waverider]

If it is driving you nuts trying something else to do or somewhere you need to go. You are right, engaging or trying to play the mediator will just cause projection onto you, leading to full blown dysregulation

At the end of the day if she is making a scene with someone else, that is her problem, not yours.

Others will always have a simplistic opinion on what to do, and so would you if you were'nt going through this. It may seem like childish behavior but discipline you could use with a child simply wont work.

[Theo41]

Thanks for the advise. I do read or check e mail or watch TV. But she hs a very hard time with me leaving the house for any reason. She will do anything necessary to stop me from leaving when i amupset wi her, including standing infront of the door, laying down on the hood of the car and chasing after me into the street (barefoot on at least two occasions). She is terribly affraid of abandonment. If I could stay away from her when she disregulates it would help me lot.

[waverider]

Often we leave it too late to start disengaging which makes it even harder.

[Grey Kitty]

One "trick" for leaving that I've used is to state clearly when I'm leaving that I'm going away for a finite amount of time (no less than 20 minutes; often an hour or two), and that I will return after that. Then I make sure I honor the return time.

This makes it clear that you aren't leaving forever, and helps the fear of abandonment.

Note: If you come back to something you still can't handle being around, you didn't promise to stay back; you only promised to return. This would likely be a cue to try leaving again, for longer this time.

We have a great workshop here on How to take a time out

[Theo41]

Thanks for the advise Grey Kitty. I will definitely try using a finite time. Theo

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Theo,

What happened to you sounded very familiar, different place, time and people, but same outcome - seemingly illogical rage. I've been in a few forums and it's amazing how similar these "events" are. But reading more about BPD helped to explain reasons behind it. Have to admit it took me a long time to realize, and I am still learning how to cope. There's quite a fair bit of advice around, some may not work because every person and situation is different. Just wanted to share how I view it.

When a BPD person loses it, they are expressing how they feel at the moment, some people describe it as a child throwing a tantrum. Imagine when you were young, you lost your favorite toy, mom tries to pacify you or maybe even scolded you. It didn't matter, you just felt sad, angry and probably hated yourself for losing it, and acted out at anyone. After a day or two, you are back to normal playing with a new toy. The problem I realized was that I was trying to "fix" the person, but we aren't able to, at least not immediately. What I should have been doing was "fix" myself, regulate my emotions and learn how to validate the other person's emotions (but not encouraging or agreeing to it). I am still trying to learn how to do this, it's a long and winding road. I can say I understand what you meant by not being able to tolerate any more. It's a choice you can make and know what is best; try to understand and learn to cope, or exit. Hope you can spare time to watch below, it did help me somewhat. All the Best 

Loving Someone With BPD-www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pstv6FZZlQw

A compassionate documentary on BPD-www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikl4GjQHPz4

[Theo41]

Thanks "Life is Beautiful" for your thoughtful reply. I will view and listen to the two utube you suggested. All best to you. Theo

[HarposGal]

All I can say, is I'm right there with ya! Tired of the outbursts being 'my fault' too. After an outburst it takes him 4 days to regulate back to indifference, then another day or two before 'i love you' again. It's a week of our lives if I take the bait... .sometimes I'm able to do something similar to the excellent advice given by LifeIsBeautiful but I don't even know if I'm up to 50/50 yet after recognizing the condition and starting to read 3 years ago. But I'm getting better at it. You can do it.