Seasons in the Abyss

[Mono No Aware]

Circumstances beyond my control dictated an excessive amount of work travel over the past month. This week was a short-notice crisis trip away from home.

You guys know... .this is one of the worst things a non can do to their BPD mate.

Holy cow, it's rough. Add the un-warranted abuse from the work crisis and I am a scarred hollow shell emotionally.

Been divorced 4 times this week.

Answered the phone at 1am one night... .after a rough 14 hour work day. Hey maybe it's an emergency with the baby or the sensitive 3rd grader. Nope, it's the imaginative accusations, the circular arguments with wildly veering "reasons", and the pain. Oh, the pain. The flat declarations of absolute NO trust based on abandoning her.

I managed to enforce a no-arguing-at-night boundary but after turning off the ringer I heard the buzz of a text... .le sigh.

Flying home now. Wish me luck.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[eeyore]

Good luck... .I swear when I read posts like this I'm convinced both people in a relationship should work. 

[Mono No Aware]

Well, stay-at-home mom with a 4-month old is a 24-7 job.

Plus we live many states away from family and she cannot make friends... .so no support system.

My job is specialized, pays well, has advancement, etc. But the travel is toxic to her deteriorating mental health... .and mine too.

[eeyore]

so if you didn't travel everything would be fine?

[Mono No Aware]

so if you didn't travel everything would be fine?

Ha, no. But it is making it worse.

[Nonamouse]

Been through this exact same situation for past couple of weeks during work trips. And I am very sorry for you.

I was on a trip last week and I neglected to text her when I woke up one morning.  She lost it, was convinced I was out the night before and sleeping with a coworker. She woke me up and kept going on about how she knew someone was in the room with me. I have another trip next week, she's already convinced that I am going for a hook up.

It's tough, because I have actually passed on a few trips I should have made because I know the hassle it will be to take them. Which is not great for the career. We are also a one income household with a baby.

We rarely see friends anymore, that causes problems too, so generally work is the last little bit of sanity I get and I've made it off limits to her. Generally, she respects that but business trips bring out the worst.

The only thing I could do was tell her I was turning off my phone unless she stopped with the accusations and dysregulating. That helped for me but I'm worried about what's going on with her in that kind of mood around the baby. It can't be good.

Anyway, hang in there.

[waverider]

The only thing I could do was tell her I was turning off my phone unless she stopped with the accusations and dysregulating. That helped for me but I'm worried about what's going on with her in that kind of mood around the baby. It can't be good.

This is often the only sort of boundary that works, but it will have to done consistently each time. The first few times it will be worse, nothing works straight away.

At times the boundaries required do seem like you are a cold and uncaring person, and you will be told so. any other way is the walking on eggshells way and you will loose all round

[Mono No Aware]

Been through this exact same situation for past couple of weeks during work trips. And I am very sorry for you.

I was on a trip last week and I neglected to text her when I woke up one morning.  She lost it, was convinced I was out the night before and sleeping with a coworker. She woke me up and kept going on about how she knew someone was in the room with me. I have another trip next week, she's already convinced that I am going for a hook up.

It's tough, because I have actually passed on a few trips I should have made because I know the hassle it will be to take them. Which is not great for the career. We are also a one income household with a baby.

We rarely see friends anymore, that causes problems too, so generally work is the last little bit of sanity I get and I've made it off limits to her. Generally, she respects that but business trips bring out the worst.

The only thing I could do was tell her I was turning off my phone unless she stopped with the accusations and dysregulating. That helped for me but I'm worried about what's going on with her in that kind of mood around the baby. It can't be good.

Anyway, hang in there.

The kids are the real difficult part. I'm only 99% she's safe around the baby. It tears me up.

I'm home now, posting from phone. She slept well and is regulated. Now we slide back into the season of a thin veneer of normalcy that cracks if I attempt intimacy.

[Proud_Dad]

Mono No Aware,

First of all, do I detect a Slayer reference in the title of this post? 

Your description of the delicate balance of work and a BPD home life struck a chord in my heart. I live out this situation everyday... .BPD fiancé stays at home with 2yr twin boys. I admit that her job is a rough one but the insecurity and projections are wearing on my spirit. At the very mention of any activity for work that is out of the everyday norm she begins her "War Ensemble" and she is off and running. I too have tried the no cell phone at work boundary; my office phone never stopped ringing until I took it off the hook. WOW the fallout from that one was fun... .

I could echo all of the other posts in this thread, but it has already been said.

Just thought I would send some support from someone in the same situation, and a high five for the Slayer reference (if it was one, if not you can keep the high five for being such a dedicated provider).

[Mono No Aware]

Just thought I would send some support from someone in the same situation, and a high five for the Slayer reference

High five accepted, hell yes it's Slayer, and good luck with your BPD gal and the twins.

For those uninitiated: the song lyrically and musically conveys heavy imagery of hell not as a static cave of fiery lakes but as a place internal to your mind where the intense suffering changes slowly and in a cycle. It sways from vast dark cold spaces to searing heat and razor sharp attack. Whether the suffering is self-inflicted or not is left open to interpretation.

I often use music to sort out/manage/express my emotions. My username is a quite different musical reference.

~~~~~~~

I need to stop walking on egsshells and bring up getting her to go to therapy.