Scheduled marriage counseling for next week - how to explain what's going on?

[Evalon]

The therapist we are going to see next week called me today to set up our first appointment.  Based on my own experience (including one session we had with a counselor three years ago that was awful) and what I have read here, I am very scared and skeptical of marriage counseling.  I am worried that my husband will be on his ":)r. Jekyll" behavior and put on his usual understanding/reasonable show, and I will turn out to look like the crazy one.  My husband only takes his "stuff" out on me and it is usually behind closed doors.

At the end of the phone conversation (which was mostly about scheduling, payment, etc.), the therapist asked me to tell her in one sentence what I thought the problem was.  I was at a loss.  She asked if he was violent and I said "no, not physically, but emotionally violent." She asked if he was "mean" and I said that it was more covert, that he accuses ME of being mean, that he uses me as a scapegoat and blames me.  I couldn't really explain more to her because my kids were running around and my husband was on his way home and could have walked in at any time.

I am just so scared that I will say something wrong, or not have the words to describe this, and that this therapy thing will only give my husband more ammunition to use against me.

My husband is undiagnosed and very successful professionally. I believe he is "high functioning" so I think it's very unlikely that he will ever be diagnosed.

I would appreciate any advice on how to handle marriage therapy.

Thank you.

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[ltul]

My husband is also a very successful business man who is well liked by all who know him. Well excluding the children and me. We know what he is truly like. We live the Jekyll and Hyde life so I know what you mean. It is the subtle things these men do that no one else see. The lies and twisted thinking and most of all the rewriting of history.

     I have been in therapy for a year and a half and my husband for a year. I refused to do couples counseling till I was strong enough. Till I finally truly understood how mentally ill he was. I had allowed him to destroyed me so badly that I had a hard time trusting my own reality. Which I think you may  understand because when no one else ever sees your spouse in his full glory of rage it is impossible to convince people of what happens behind closed doors. Which cause other people to think you are crazy when you are frazzled or falling apart.

      So my advice about the counselor is find out first if she is specialized in BPD. Usually listed under their names as discription of what they treat. The other things my counselor said to do was stick to the facts of what happened So dont get tangled up in his twisted stories of perceives wrongs. She told me BPD is a life pattern so if you can show the history of him disregulating and rages. It may take time but if she knows BPD and has seen high functioning BPD she should figure out that your husbands shiny outside covers up a lot of deep seeded disfunction. I did tell the couples counselor that I had read walking on eggshells and that it had helped me greatly. He was completely unaware of what that inferred.

     When I first went I had gone in hoping that the counselor would right away start pointing out to my husband the things he was doing and tell him he had BPD. She however stayed very non confrontational with him she didn't always call him on thing. she would just say things to make   him think and connect his childhood with how he treated me. Sometimes I would leave frustrated that it would never get better but after about 6 months she finally became firmer with him and is starting to make head way on his behavior. I had an appointment with her just one on one without him about a month ago and she explain why. She said that if she had pursued him to hard he would have run and not come back. She let me know that she thought he had an attachment disorder, BPD and some other things.  I can not tell you how validating this was for me.

       I wish you much luck when you go. Just know that you know your reality the best and wether the counselor sees what he is doing or not doesn't change that it is happening.

[Mike76]

My experience... .

We are one MC number 2... .   Each MC has\had a completing different method to the but both see\saw what is going on in a very short time.

MC 1:   Before the first appointment I had a 20 minute conversation with them.  My wife never talked to them before the first session.   Session one was a joint wife\and I ,  session 2 was just my wife, session 3 was just me.  The MC said there was something wrong with my wife some "A typical mental disease and to run".

MC 2:   Refuses to have individual sessions,  and typically does not speak to any individual T's.   Once the MC caught onto the BPD she spoke to my wife's T,  diagnosed at the time to help with the diagnoses.  The MC still refuses to speak to my T, by has had conversions with my wife's T.   When I \my wife asked to speak to my T they have said there is no reason to.   (Almost implying I am doing my part). Just in the past month the MC decided to speak to my when I said "I can not wait 6 month to a year to speak about the past physical abuse"

The next is a couple questions thoughts that I think would help the non's in MC.  Again my opinion, but if I was talking to someone in my shoes would help them.

In MC... .

are you looking to help your partner, marriage, yourself?  Until you get help for the you and the BPD, MC is a waste of time.   I use it to gauge how I am doing and if things are getting better.   

If BPD has never been in your vocab in the relationship, never mention the BPD in MC.    We have been marriage for 5 and half years.   I first learned about BPD during year 2.  I opened my account on these boards about 2 years ago.   She has been in weekly T for a year,  and we have been in bi-monthly MC for 9 months.   The BPD was diagnosed only 2 months ago.   In fact my wife still does not know I she has BPD.  I happened to see a piece of paperwork by mistake.   Last month my wife shared she has a diagnoses and started share some of the symptoms, but still has not shared that it is BPD.   Be patient, as hard as it to be.

In MC do not say what they do is wrong.    Find examples and say when X happens, I act this way.   I do not worry really worry if I regret the way I acted.   I do not cover-up or defend my actions.   I have said many times  " I wish I new what I could better,  you the MC tell me what I am doing wrong"   I have never once been given any advise, but  I have found it useful because it shows I am open to new ideas.

The thing that I have learned to most, is until the BPD has a treatment, there is not much I can do.  The MC helps me brings things together.   As much \ or as little the I have learned about the BPD.   It is not on my schedule.  It is only on the time frame my BPD wife deals with it.   Then we can work on restoring or marriage.   

Not in recent months, but several time over the marriage my wife had hit me and threatened countless other times.  It is still my fault she acted in the ways she did.  She is not far enough in T, and do not even know if DBT has been mentioned.  I need about the past physical violence, but my wife has not had enough T to have a conversation about it.