Dealing with step Daughter

[Sstepdad]

 Hi First post, my wife and I have been together for 18 years married for 9 my step daughter has been a roller coaster of emotional neediness, Her father an alcoholic pretty much never came to see her would promise and never show up for the most part the few times he had her for a weekend she would be impossible when home for a week or two, we found out he was actively trying to sabotage my wife and I in her eyes.

I thought she would grow out of the resentment issues she has but it has gotten worse she is now 25 and juggling two relationships she is not living at home but her drama still reaches us.

The behavior patterns seem to match the borderline/Histrionic behavior that we have been researching for the last few years it is hard to see her do so many self destructive things in her life but I am coming to terms that we do not have control over her actions.

Lying cheating and stealing over and over while professing to be the victim of someone else when she gets caught, 4 years ago she was fired from a hardware big box store for stealing they did not press charges and she found another job that had good potential she lost that 7 months ago for selling pot in the parking lot.

It has been a trying ordeal but realizing an underlying problem instead of being overwhelmed with drama and chaos helps.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Sstepdad & 

I'm really sorry for the trauma your family is going through because of your daughter; how often do you actually interact with her? It's so hard to see our BPD child make mistakes and harm their lives in ways that we can see, but they seem to not be able to! Well, you've come to the right place to learn more about it, and find comfort and support for yourselves. I'm so glad you found us!

I have an adult (36) son just recently diagnosed with BPD, and I found that once I learned how his brain works, and learned how to communicate with him properly, things really did get better--immediately in our case. Have you had a chance to poke around this site yet? These links here can be particularly helpful; once I read them and applied the techniques, things really did improve right away:

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

What can a parent do? (for parents of pwBPD)

I hope that you can let us know what you think about the information linked to above, and tell us more about what has brought you here. If you keep telling your story, asking your questions, and reading on this site, things really can get better... .We're here for you!

[Sstepdad]

Thank you for the links. she fits in a lot of them, no self mutilation thank god.

She has no comprehension of boundaries or consequences of her actions we are in contact with her on a fairly regular basis though she will go weeks without returning a phone call.

5 years ago things really blew up she had a meltdown because we would not let her have her boyfriend come to the house anymore he was abusive and told me to f off when I brought it up. So she moved out in a screaming rage. while we would be away at work she would come and take whatever she wanted so I changed the locks informing her of it and that when she wanted the rest of her stuff to call and we will arrange it.

Long story short she broke into the house and while leaving slashed the tires of my work truck and keyed the paint not realizing I had put security cameras up.

She has denied doing it and I had not told her I had proof thinking wrongly she would have the integrity to come clean. In the 5 years since she has had a string of relationships but keeps going back to one guy who behaves in a similar fashion, so I guess in a way they are the only ones that can tolerate each other. She broke off with him six moths ago to have an affair with another girl then went back to him again the girl is devastated, we feel bad for the lives she damages without a care.

Her behavior used to put a strain on our marriage but we have come to terms with it and agree on how we deal with it.

Hope this post makes some sense there is just so much chaos its hard to put it all together. just knowing we are not alone dealing with is helps a lot.

[lovesjazz]

I hear you loud and clear. Our BPDs26 is very similar. Never was concerned about consequences. He lies and steals also. He does not live near us anymore, but he is in touch. One of the biggest heartbreaks was how he hurt  so many people with his lies and theft. He was in a rtc for 21 months. He did well in the structured environment, and learnec tools to cope. Evidently he is not using them. We dont push buttons anymore... .dont question, just light conversation. He will change when he is ready.  It is really up to them. We have done all we could... .and still love him.