The divide is growing and growing

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw is so involved in her studies, so involved in her work. She asks me and I do the things that she doesn't have time to do, not only to get those things done like laundry and shopping just to name a few things, but also to hopefully get more attention from her. Yet, she continues being so involved in her own stuff. Granted, she is really excited with all that she is doing. I am happy for her, but I get rather lonely in terms of our relationship. This is going to be for 4 long years. So, in the meantime, I am involved in my own things as a way to escape while she is away. I just see us growing farther and farther apart. You see, she started very slowly going away from me in every respect by degrading my family, her friends, my friends, myself (telling me I shouldn't be in the hospital when the doctor told me to be there for blood clot reasons). She said it would be very costly, but with the insurance we have, we didn't have to pay anything at all. She even said I caused a car accident, even though I was legally at a stop when a car rammed into me. She said that my attitude created the accident. BS big time! By the way, she has been involved in an accident with a deer. She has been ticketed for speeding. Her car has been broken into twice. Of course, if I told her that her attitude caused the accident, she would have gotten extremely mad with me. So, bottom line, the divide is growing and growing. 

[Surnia]

Hi Samuel

This is a painful realization. Having space in a rs is a good thing and there is the danger that it is drifting apart like you said it yourself. I mean, what is left from a rs when you are doing nothing funny and nice together and rests invalidating comments... .   I feel your lonelyness. 

Good for you that you can spot the comments as BS.

May I ask you, what would happpen if you ask her to do something together, something that you would done in your early stages of the rs?

What kind of rs would you like to have? Perhaps this thread could be some reflections of your own needs and wishes. 

[Samuel S.]

Thank you, Surnia, for recognizing my pain! That means a lot to me! To answer your question, I have asked her, if we could spend more time together; however, she repeats herself that she is only one person, that she works, she cooks, she studies, and she goes to school. Thus, "sparing several minutes totally with us during the week" (her own words) is all she can provide. So, that only hurts more so! She could have easily waited another year when her daughter will be attending a university in order to pursue her second career, thus MAYBE permitting her to cook less and have a little more time with me. Yes, even her own daughter is feeling not having her own mother around. As for my own needs and wishes in this relationship, it would be nice to be able to relate to one another, to resume taking a surprise weekend somewhere every couple of months, being able to really talk with one another without her being so involved in herself that she can't handle anything or anyone else other than what she is doing.

[Samuel S.]

I've come up with a couple of realizations today. First, I hate Sundays, whether my BPDw is here or not. If she is here, she studies all day in her room. If she is away, again, there is no possibility of any relationship. So, I leave and immerse myself in a movie. Yes, Surnia, I am lonely. I ever so look forward to Mondays through Thursdays, because I interact with people to help them, and we truly help one another. I feel a true sense of bonding and family ties with them. I truly am thinking about getting away for a weekend by myself, because I have not done that in about 12 or 13 years. After all, she is isolating herself for me, and I just have to get out of here, even if it is temporary. Secondly, seeing that she is making every excuse not to relate and seeing that her daughter is a typical teen who needs her space for studying, etc., my true families are relatives out of state and on the Internet. I just wish they were a lot closer, because I love and miss them dearly. I do have friends that are close who are helpful and I to them, but I don't want to overdo it, either.

[Surnia]

  Samuel

About your answer that your wife saying she has no time: I was not really surprised. Sounds that she arranged a good distance for her in the rs. Looks like she feels good in this kind of co-habitation with all her activities. 

This is not working for you, you would like to have more closeness, a partner, intimity - which I understand.

I think a weekend away would be a good idea. Friends, family.

In a longterm there is the questions if this is really the rs you want. Being in touch with your needs is a good first step.

[wishfulthinking]

Samuel,

Maybe try one or two nights a week cooking for them and see if that'll free up an hour those evenings for her to spend with you?  Not sure if you've already tried that, but it would be one less excuse those nights for her?  Then if she still makes the excuse of no time, you know for sure where you stand.

[Samuel S.]

I make oatmeal and hot lemon water each morning for my BPDw and for me. She won't let me cook any other meals, because she feels she is less messier than I am. I tried to prepare some other meals, but not to her standards of preparing and cleaning. At least, she lets me prepare breakfast for us. Even with the meals, she is a bit of a control freak and doesn't want me to do any other cooking. Of course, I do the majority of the grocery shopping and all of the laundry, all of which she appreciates, though. Otherwise, when she speaks, I am supposed to listen.

[wishfulthinking]

Samuel,

Control freak... .understand that!  I wish mine was on cleanliness with himself... .he only occasionally does the cleaning, he messes plenty, but has strict rules about how clean things are.  NO DISHES in the sink at bedtime, for example... .but he rarely does them and the dishwasher sometimes can't hold all the dishes once it's to the full point (after about 2 days worth of meals, I run it, but sometimes, there's 2 or 3 items that won't fit that load).  I have to hand wash them so they aren't in there instead of waiting and putting them in the next day when I get home from work and start cleaning.  UGH.