How long does it take for a non to get over BPD relationship

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know this is a question that involves many variables but is their a rule of thumb?  Can some that have gone thru this and are truly over the ex comment on how long it took them.

I am only 1-1/2 months into the breakup which I initiated.  I know I might not like some of the answers but I am totally NC, don't ever have the urge to contact after educating myself, but I think daily about the situation and what it has done to me (almost never about wanting her back though I wish I could have convinced her to go to therapy which is why she finally turned me black). I am moving forward and read daily to make since of how I got myself into the mess to begin with. Damn younger women! (17 years younger). Lol

[Waifed]

I know this is a question that involves many variables but is their a rule of thumb?  Can some that have gone thru this and are truly over the ex comment on how long it took them.

I am only 1-1/2 months into the breakup which I initiated.  I know I might not like some of the answers but I am totally NC, don't ever have the urge to contact after educating myself, but I think daily about the situation and what it has done to me (almost never about wanting her back though I wish I could have convinced her to go to therapy which is why she finally turned me black). I am moving forward and read daily to make since of how I got myself into the mess to begin with. Damn younger women! (17 years younger). Lol

[Waifed]

BTW, it was a 3-1/2 year relationship... .

[simplyasiam]

i dont know the answer but im in about the same boat you are but my ex did the leaving as she always did. im looking forward to the repies you get on this one. i do understand the waif and age gap.

[starshine]

Hey Waifed.  I've been out of my 5 year relationship for a little over 2 years now.  I would not say that I'm over what happened- I don't know that I can ever GET OVER the level of shock and trauma I experienced.  I still get deeply sad and cry, but not everyday anymore.  I am starting to recognize that I have healed quite a bit, but I'm FAR from over it.   I have gone on a few dates with a few men.  I'm lonely, but not in any hurry to throw my hat in the ring. 

[Octoberfest]

Sadly, there does not seem to be a definitive answer to this question; one that most everyone here on the Leaving board wonders. It is interesting- many people who are involved with pwBPD come here and find that many others here have had almost identical experiences, that others very nearly write their own story.  From what I have seen and experienced however, the road to healing is an incredibly personal and individual experience. There are a ton of factors, and not all ones that can be quantified.  How long you were involved, how it ended, what things happened in the relationship, who YOU are as a person, what it takes for you to move on, etc.  It has been almost 5 months for me- a week shy. I've done 2 months of therapy, was super depressed for a long time, couldn't hold a job, couldn't sleep, didn't eat, etc.  Now I am doing much better.  Worlds better.  I have seen that my BPDex is doing the same things that she did with me; she is engaged to one guy at least, and still dating/engaged with another.  And this past weekend I went out and met a new girl.  Is it going to go anywhere? Hard to say.  Probably not.  But I have seen that I can at least pick up other women, and that is critical.

It is a very personal journey.  You will find your way, just like we all will.

[topknot]

It seemed like forever... .therapist and everyone around me wanting me to look at MYSELF, because all I wanted to talk about was him. He consumed my life. I lived and breathed for him. It is the closest thing to an addiction I can imagine. The only thing I can truly say that saved me was group therapy and a sponsor that rides my ass when I don't show up. I go to AlAnon, since I don't have a Codependency Anonymous near me. Being accountable to a group, where we have all ridden the roller coaster of being attached to someone who has a problem, saved and continues to save my life. I don't have the time or desire to go, but everyone around me notices how much healthier I am.

[charred]

First go round... took me about 4-5 yrs to get back to how I was before I dater her. We were together 18 mos (8 mos great, rest was good/bad alternating a bit) then she abruptly dumped me. Many years later (27)... we got back together... was together about 3 1/2 yrs (tried to make it work... 6-7 recycles)... and that ended about 18 mos ago for most part... been NC for last 12 months. Been seeing a T for a bit over a year now, and certainly not over it yet. Much better progress than years ago without a T.

People tell you to work on yourself, talk about yourself, because it is the place to fix something. I was sure my pwBPD was the problem... .and she certainly has her problems, but I had my own and they don't add up to a PD, but I went through enough to keep people at arms length... to keep them at a psychological distance. My pwBPD ignored that and got close to me. The electricity you feel with a pwBPD... .is a sign you have issues, not everyone feels that... its usually specific to someone with their own issues (in my opinion.) If you only feel strong feelings with them, and feel like everything is muted, drab, monochrome ... that comes from numbing feelings and disconnecting from them. A pwBPD ignores your boundaries, gets close, mirrors and love bombs you, and the next thing you know, you feel very close to them, very comfortable and loved. If it were real love it would be great, but its need based ... .and you may know that it is need based on the side of the pwBPD... but it also is on the "non" side... .if you are devastated. The devastation comes from the deep sense of loss that you get from losing what SEEMED like a primary r/s to you.

So... if you are a normal fully mentally healthy person who hooked up with a pwBPD... you probably will get over the r/s fairly quickly, same as any other breakup. If its devastating to you, chances are... .you had a hole where in the place the unconditional love from a parent early on goes (secure attachment with parent)... and the pwBPD slid in to that spot, then when it was over... instead of it being a normal breakup, it hurts/feels/seems and IS ... .like losing a parent. Deep depression, loss of interest in anything, no one really understanding how you feel, people saying things like "forget her... go clubbing"... and other completely inappropriate things... .as they don't understand how devastating the loss is. If that is where you are, then it will take a lot longer to get over it, as it is much deeper... .and you have to work on yourself to get over it.

I went back to semi-normal after about 4-5 yrs... .however I was still missing her deeply, I just moved on. Twenty sever years later she looked me up on FB and I had no interest in talking (was married/had a kid)... .but she told me a line about having to tell me the real truth about why she broke up... and got me on the phone. Hearing her voice... .cut through me and 100% of the feelings were still there! It was horrible/confusing and the start of being devastated all over again. Fact is, I didn't get over her the first time... .I worked past losing her... .but didn't process it, didn't accept it and sure as heck didn't understand it.

This time is different, I broke up with her ultimately... .and now see her for who she is... .not with rose colored glasses blinding me to her dark side and bad traits. I also see that what made me vulnerable to her was missing closeness in most if not all my personal relationships. I numbed myself to bad feelings (and good... its both or none)... and avoided situations where I might have bad feelings, instead of experiencing them, I avoided or numbed myself to them. My pwBPD cut right through that, and the intensity of the drama brought up all kinds of feelings (good and bad and horrible)... .so while it was terrible, I did feel very alive for first time in a long time. Whole thing was confusing... .having a T helped a great deal. This go round I am actually getting over her, working on myself and filling that hole with intimacy/closeness... .real love, not needy BPD sex in place of real love. Its not as exciting/dangerous (I honestly thought I might get killed by my pwBPD... she is like Jodi Arias and did many of the same things.)... but it is genuine and I will never accept the cheap imitation again.

So are you just going through a normal breakup... .or were you devastated?

[charred]

Also... .I am 51... .how in the world did you get things going with a 17 yr younger than you gal... I am presuming she was legal aged... how did that come about?

[peas]

Also... .I am 51... .how in the world did you get things going with a 17 yr younger than you gal... I am presuming she was legal aged... how did that come about?

Had to laugh at that, Charred. When I was 34 I had an amazing fling with a man 18 years older than me. Wow!

But yes, 17-year age differences can easily clear legalities.

I normally am attracted to men in my age range -- early forties -- but that being said, I have developed a crush on an older gent (he's even got silver hair!). He has no idea. I see him around my office building and we do a friendly wave or make small talk if we see each other outside the building. He doesn't wear a wedding ring but he could be married or involved. I don't know much about him. I just know that he is good-lookin' and he takes my mind off the BPDex.

Sorry to hijack this thread. I just got sidetracked.

[fiddlestix]

I was with my diagnosed BPD wife for 25 years.  It was a mixed bag; amazing highs and gut wrenchings lows.  The last few years were far more of the latter.  About 1.5 years ago she moved out with her excon druggie man.  When that fizzled out in March she came after me again.  After a brief (and soul bruising) recycle in May we split again.

  But I am far from over her, the ride, the trauma, the questions, the what ifs, the I coulda/shouldas... .  No contact is slowly cleaning me out, but I still obsess way too much.

I am an adult child of an addict with some funky childhood memories.  So I realize that my marriage probably scratched some itches that I need to learn to scratch on my own.   I have a great support system, but I expect to hurt for a while yet.  Any contact with her shakes me up and sets me back.  But I can't let her know that; she would relish that power.  This is gonna be while. 

Fiddlestix

[Clearmind]

I am an adult child of an addict with some funky childhood memories.  So I realize that my marriage probably scratched some itches that I need to learn to scratch on my own.   I have a great support system, but I expect to hurt for a while yet.  Any contact with her shakes me up and sets me back.  But I can't let her know that; she would relish that power.  This is gonna be while. 

Fiddlestix

Exactly! Me too

hit__

Definitely no definitive answer. If I could retitle your thread it would be "How long does it take for a non to heal from their own past?"

Its not the BPD relationship we are "getting over" per se - its the reasons innate in us that brought us to a Borderline relationship. So for me, I had a lot of healing to do from my past - I grew up in a BPD/alcoholic household - its impact on me as a child and then on my relationships as an adult was immense.

I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years.

[charred]

I think the question of how long depends on two things... .are we talking "getting over it" as getting back to our prior way of life, or actually healing the wounds from it. The time is going to be very different depending on whether you are pretty healthy yourself or grew up with FOO issues that compounded the effect of being in the r/s.

Most people that are devastated by the breakup, are probably feeling like it was more like the death of someone close to them than a normal breakup... and are going through the equivalent feelings of losing a parent, because so much FOO related issues came up and the connection was intense with the pwBPD. That isn't a normal r/s... .and the fix isn't getting back with them (recycling again and again)... or finding another disordered person to do the same with. Actually healing the wounds that are involved could take a lot of time... .I think it comes down to connecting closely with people, learning to be vulnerable and make connections. So not only is BPD an attachment disorder... .but if you are devastated by the BPD r/s... .and have trouble getting over it... .suspect that being a "non"... .doesn't mean without an attachment issue... .just not a person with a PD.

Seeing a T has helped me realize that much of what I thought of as "me"... was ego defenses... .I would describe myself as independent, smart, loving to figure out complicated problems... .for example. More accurately... .I am a loner, tried to make sense of a confusing non-sensical mixed signals from my FOO, and sought out technical work that was mechanical and finite and logical... .avoiding irrational people as much as I could.

Anyway... .the time is going to vary, and at some level I am not sure we get over them... .I am going to want the dream for a long time yet, but I accept it wasn't real and never will be.

[HostNoMore]

That really is a good question.  To paraphrase Clearmind's excellent summary a few posts ago, it's not the getting over the relationship itself, but the self enlightenment phase of the recovery that is indeterminate.

I am writing this exactly two years after being dropped by my exBPDgf.  For me, I would say the the recovery time was very close to how long it took me to process the deaths of my parents when each one passed about 30 years apart.  The first month or two were like living in hell.  Once I reached the third and forth months, the initial shock phase began to turn into a growing acceptance that gradually transitioned into another healing phase that started about six or seven months into the process.  After that the first year anniversaries were kind of bad, and the second anniversaries were way, way better.  I just find it interesting that I suffered equally from losing my parents who were really good for me warts and all versus a toxic relationship with someone who really was just using me for whatever her purpose was at the time. I think it indicates how deeply we bond to the false illusions engendered by these dysfunctional relationships

Now, my BPD relationship recovery has turned into a very introspective phase here after two years.  I was turned inside out by the experience to say the least.  It made me realize the issues that were within me that hurt me both in romantic relationships and my career.  In my case, low self-esteem and poor boundary setting skills were thrust front and center for me to confront and conquer.  I think of her maybe 1% of my day versus 98% two years ago.  Though now, that 1% is more in the context of myself rather than missing her and the relationship.  I still think of my parents too though I will not ever have fond memories of my exBPD.

My BPD relationship basically knocked me onto another track unlike any event in my entire life.  This is the indeterminate part of it basically building a new life on one's past.  I really wish I could have been hit with this when I was 18 but that was pre-internet so I never would have learned what happened to me.  I am a much more healthy individual now too.  I used to be self-deprecating in my head, but now I am a little cocky about myself.  Overall, I really needed my BPD experience to make me appreciate myself for who I am.

[goldylamont]

My r/s was 4 years long. I'm about 1.5 years out of it. And still on these boards!   But I do feel a lot better. I've had several breakthroughs and am able to see things from a different perspective.

I do think a good rule of thumb is that it takes about 1/2 the time to recover from a r/s as you were in it. So for me, about 2 years makes sense and I feel like I'm on my way there and on the tail end of things after 1.5 years. However I recognize part of things may linger... .meh but who cares I figure I can take it. So to the original poster, I'd give yourself at least a good 2 years to sort it all out.

So... if you are a normal fully mentally healthy person who hooked up with a pwBPD... you probably will get over the r/s fairly quickly, same as any other breakup. If its devastating to you, chances are... .you had a hole where in the place the unconditional love from a parent early on goes (secure attachment with parent)... and the pwBPD slid in to that spot, then when it was over...

charred I'm sure you mean well, but I think perhaps you're giving "mentally healthy" people too much credit here. while i do have my issues, other than the depression and grief from the r/s i think i'm mostly ok. i have identified some things from childhood that creep up, but everyone has something like this. i am fortunate though to grow up in a mostly loving household, fortunate to not have any leftover qualms from parents or family.

but, it's inaccurate and unfair in my opinion to say that a mentally healthy person would get over something as devastating as being lied to and manipulated 'fairly quickly, same as any other breakup'. trust me, it's not easy. i've broken up before, i've had women break up with me before and left me crying. but none of this came anywhere close to the betrayal and intensity of the breakup with my exBPD. it's not just that you are dealing with rejection, you are dealing with betrayal, and this betrayal often times seems sadistically linked to their own happiness. i would imagine this would be much harder than a normal breakup for *anyone* regardless of how strong or mentally healthy they are.

but, ya, my 2 cents is about half the time you were in the r/s is about how long it takes to get over it. of course this is probably different for very short or very long r/s.

[Bananas]

My r/s was two years and I am 6.5 months out.  I have been in therapy for about 5 months.  I have good days and bad days.  More good days than bad, but I have no idea when I will be over it.  My ex is still almost always on my mind but it is more like the back of my mind.  Like goldylamont said the lies, manipulation and betrayal are the hardest thing for me to deal with.  Even through working on my own stuff it is hard for me to process those actions. Slow and steady... .

I just saw my ex, we work together.  He smiled at me.  I felt so much anxiety, I swear I almost threw up.  He doesn't always trigger me like that but some days he still does.  Ugh!     

[charred]

I think the devastated feeling is from more than the betrayal, lies, infidelity. Dated quite a few gals, and was dumped by a few, the thing is only one had the horrible devastation effect... the pwBPD... and the strong connection lasted more than 25 yrs... .and that is not normal at all. So it led me to question what made the BPD r/s so much more painful? And the conclusion I came to was that it is different in one key way ... .we accept the pwBPD as a primary r/s... the kind we should have had with a loving parent (usually mother)... and we do so because of how the BPD person approaches us... they mirror us, love bomb us, blow smoke about how wonderful we are... and ignore the boundaries we use to keep people at a distance. Clearly I am speaking from personal experience... .but my view for a long time was that I was fine, I was a "non", had no serious problems. But, yes I did have a malignant NPD father, and a mother that lost her mother when she was 5 and is cold as ice emotionally... .and holds babies like they are diseased vermin... .but just like the BPD r/s... .I didn't want to consider that anything was off or could be with me. Just been a bit shy here and there... .however fact is I am not shy, I keep people at a distance, and the pwBPD blew right past that, got close and kept at it till I was hooked. Then when I was abruptly dumped I felt like my world had ended... exactly like people I know who lost their parents... .but that isn't what convinced me... .27 yrs later she (pwBPD) looks me up on FB and gets me talk on phone... and her voice devastated me... 100% of everything was back. Prompted a divorce and a hellish 4 yrs of recycles. I have talked to other exgf's... .and nothing... no reaction other than "how are you" ... ho hum. My exBPDgf had gained weight, gotten unattractive... and still had this overpowering effect on me.

I don't typically take crap from anyone, known as being a bit of a jerk at times about it... .but with my pwBPD... let her lecture me, moralize, etc... and it was not an even r/s ... .something was off, but I didn't know what. Sleeping with her was amazing at first, then over time felt creepy... she told me during an argument that she might have attachment issues, but I was so stupid I didn't realize I had them. When I was trying to figure things out I decided to explore the possibility and sure enough, if you don't securely bond with your primary parent... .you tend to have a hard time attaching in general... and it is anxiety provoking, and lots of kids handle it by disassociating from the hurt and keeping people at a distance.

So... my conclusion... if you lost your mother... .then got her back 27 yrs later... .you would still feel everything (and shock)... and that is what the reaction I had to getting my pwBPD back was... .the devastation losing her years ago... also like losing a parent. No wonder people don't understand what its like... .its not a normal reaction to a breakup. The issues our pwBPD are bad... but they are not 100% of why it is devastating... we have some hole inside that we filled with them, then the loss was magnified many times over.

Does the cheating, lying, gaslighting, deception hurt... .yes indeed... .been through most that in other r/s and when they were over... the hurt stopped quickly. It is not the same.

So will everyone hurt like crazy after a b/u with a pwBPD... .no, because some people come in to it, have sex, don't have the deep connection and get put off by the crazy antics as they are used to normal r/s and they may feel something for the pwBPD... but its probably pity rather than that their world feels like it will end.

It is a hard pill to take to accept that someone you put on a pedestal, thought was the perfect person for you, was in fact disordered. It is hard to accept that they have the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old. It is hard to accept that deep down you accepted them as your mother in many ways. It is hard to accept that the r/s that meant the world to you, might have just been someone they were with because they couldn't take being alone... to them. Then add to that accepting that many of the things you take pride in ... .like being independent and good at figuring things out... .don't come from being that way, but are ego defenses... as it is hard to face being a loner that doesn't make friends well, and being nearly obsessive with trying to make sense out of irrational actions of irrational people. The combination of those is very hard to accept. Who wants to admit to themselves they slept with an immature mommy substitute, threw away career/job/marriage for them? But I know it is the truth, and it has driven me to find/fix the problem, and that is not the pwBPD, it is whatever neediness in me kept me in that horror of a r/s for 4 yrs... most of it hell.

So... am I giving mentally healthy people too much credit... .probably, the more I meet people and learn about them, the fewer of them I think exist... not sure of any I can point to actually... .we all seem to have some amount of FOO issues.

[Bananas]

I just saw my ex, we work together.  He smiled at me.  I felt so much anxiety, I swear I almost threw up.  He doesn't always trigger me like that but some days he still does.  Ugh!     

sorry to hear Bananas, hopefully this will make you laugh 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dFqOfKAgarU

Bahahahahahahahahaha!  Thanks for posting that!      It did!  Awesome!

[HostNoMore]

Glad to see that made you happy Bananas.

I used to have the exact same reactions to mine too, but I got to where I would not have those symptoms.  I still prefer total NC though as even though there is a zero chance of her re-engaging me.  I'm quite content to let her be someone's problem just not mine.

I now have zero tolerance for toxic relationships thanks to that relationship.  Long term it turned out to be a positive experience for me at 6.5 months out I was not able to say that.  At 24 months out, I can. 

Keep it moving forward, and we'll all get there eventually.  I remember thinking how people could possibly think there was a positive side to this BPD thing when I first started my journey to recovery.  It turns out that I've learned it to be true.

[Waifed]

Sadly, there does not seem to be a definitive answer to this question; one that most everyone here on the Leaving board wonders. It is interesting- many people who are involved with pwBPD come here and find that many others here have had almost identical experiences, that others very nearly write their own story.  From what I have seen and experienced however, the road to healing is an incredibly personal and individual experience. There are a ton of factors, and not all ones that can be quantified.  How long you were involved, how it ended, what things happened in the relationship, who YOU are as a person, what it takes for you to move on, etc.  It has been almost 5 months for me- a week shy. I've done 2 months of therapy, was super depressed for a long time, couldn't hold a job, couldn't sleep, didn't eat, etc.  Now I am doing much better.  Worlds better.  I have seen that my BPDex is doing the same things that she did with me; she is engaged to one guy at least, and still dating/engaged with another.  And this past weekend I went out and met a new girl.  Is it going to go anywhere? Hard to say.  Probably not.  But I have seen that I can at least pick up other women, and that is critical.

It is a very personal journey.  You will find your way, just like we all will.

Good post. I agree there are so many variables. I am also in therapy for depression but I can feel myself improving daily and then I have a setback. I am concentrating on the fact that she is ill and it wasn't my fault. I also constantly tell myself that it is pointless to contact her or think about EVER being involved with her again. Luckily I don't ever have to see her again which helps. I have also been on a couple of dates with a nice woman. I recognized she had issues and ended it right away. I am not ready to date anyway but thought I would give it a try.

[Waifed]

Also... .I am 51... .how in the world did you get things going with a 17 yr younger than you gal... I am presuming she was legal aged... how did that come about?

After I divorced after a 14 year marriage, she reeled me in. I am now 47 and she is 29. She worked for me. When I caught her cheating while she was in Europe I told her she could show back up to work but everyone in the office would have an email of what I found. She quit that day so I don't have to see her anymore. We did have incredible sex for a month after that as she was trying to manipulate me to stay. That wasn't ever gonna happen!

[Waifed]

Also... .I am 51... .how in the world did you get things going with a 17 yr younger than you gal... I am presuming she was legal aged... how did that come about?

Had to laugh at that, Charred. When I was 34 I had an amazing fling with a man 18 years older than me. Wow!

But yes, 17-year age differences can easily clear legalities.

I normally am attracted to men in my age range -- early forties -- but that being said, I have developed a crush on an older gent (he's even got silver hair!). He has no idea. I see him around my office building and we do a friendly wave or make small talk if we see each other outside the building. He doesn't wear a wedding ring but he could be married or involved. I don't know much about him. I just know that he is good-lookin' and he takes my mind off the BPDex.

Sorry to hijack this thread. I just got sidetracked.

Nothing wrong with women being attracted to older men

[Waifed]

I was with my diagnosed BPD wife for 25 years.  It was a mixed bag; amazing highs and gut wrenchings lows.  The last few years were far more of the latter.  About 1.5 years ago she moved out with her excon druggie man.  When that fizzled out in March she came after me again.  After a brief (and soul bruising) recycle in May we split again.

  But I am far from over her, the ride, the trauma, the questions, the what ifs, the I coulda/shouldas... .  No contact is slowly cleaning me out, but I still obsess way too much.

I am an adult child of an addict with some funky childhood memories.  So I realize that my marriage probably scratched some itches that I need to learn to scratch on my own.   I have a great support system, but I expect to hurt for a while yet.  Any contact with her shakes me up and sets me back.  But I can't let her know that; she would relish that power.  This is gonna be while. 

Fiddlestix

Wow 25 years.  You must be really strong or became numb to the back and forth. You were a good man to stick it out for better or worse. I understand that the second attempt doesn't usually last long and is extremely painful. I fear her knocking on my door (like she did so many times before) because I am not strong enough to keep the door locked just yet.

[Waifed]

My r/s was 4 years long. I'm about 1.5 years out of it. And still on these boards!   But I do feel a lot better. I've had several breakthroughs and am able to see things from a different perspective.

I do think a good rule of thumb is that it takes about 1/2 the time to recover from a r/s as you were in it. So for me, about 2 years makes sense and I feel like I'm on my way there and on the tail end of things after 1.5 years. However I recognize part of things may linger... .meh but who cares I figure I can take it. So to the original poster, I'd give yourself at least a good 2 years to sort it all out.

So... if you are a normal fully mentally healthy person who hooked up with a pwBPD... you probably will get over the r/s fairly quickly, same as any other breakup. If its devastating to you, chances are... .you had a hole where in the place the unconditional love from a parent early on goes (secure attachment with parent)... and the pwBPD slid in to that spot, then when it was over...

charred I'm sure you mean well, but I think perhaps you're giving "mentally healthy" people too much credit here. while i do have my issues, other than the depression and grief from the r/s i think i'm mostly ok. i have identified some things from childhood that creep up, but everyone has something like this. i am fortunate though to grow up in a mostly loving household, fortunate to not have any leftover qualms from parents or family.

but, it's inaccurate and unfair in my opinion to say that a mentally healthy person would get over something as devastating as being lied to and manipulated 'fairly quickly, same as any other breakup'. trust me, it's not easy. i've broken up before, i've had women break up with me before and left me crying. but none of this came anywhere close to the betrayal and intensity of the breakup with my exBPD. it's not just that you are dealing with rejection, you are dealing with betrayal, and this betrayal often times seems sadistically linked to their own happiness. i would imagine this would be much harder than a normal breakup for *anyone* regardless of how strong or mentally healthy they are.

but, ya, my 2 cents is about half the time you were in the r/s is about how long it takes to get over it. of course this is probably different for very short or very long r/s.

This is what I was afraid to hear.  I have a long road ahead of me while she has disconnected an probably doesn't ever give it a thought even though I initiated the breakup!  Frustrating!

[goldylamont]

This is what I was afraid to hear.  I have a long road ahead of me while she has disconnected an probably doesn't ever give it a thought even though I initiated the breakup!  Frustrating!

it is frustrating, but i always tell myself this; and i fully believe it. i'm *glad* that I'm hurting. i'm glad that i don't detach and devalue people who i give myself to like a BPD does. it's normal to hurt and normal to grieve. it's better to feel this way in my opinion than to walk through life acting as if you're soo happy when you're soo not. i don't want to run away from anything, not my grief or sadness or depression. i'd rather run through it as many times as necessary until my soul is cleansed and i emerge a greater person.

all they are doing is projecting strength where they have none, projecting happiness where there is very little; believing they are protecting themselves and not caring about how selfish their existence is. my ego felt the same way at first, i just wanted to move on, date somebody hot and make her look bad, but now i could care less. i'm happy that i can feel, at least i can feel and understand what i'm feeling. thank god for that.

[snappafcw]

Thats such a nice way to put it Goldy thanks for your post. It is important to remember sufferers of BPD are living a lie or at the very least an Alternate reality and at least as Non's we can feel genuine consistent emotions.

[Deleted]

This is what I was afraid to hear.  I have a long road ahead of me while she has disconnected an probably doesn't ever give it a thought even though I initiated the breakup!  Frustrating!

Waifed,

I am a year and 5 months out and I'm doing leaps and bounds better. A month ago, I had to take a trip for work, plugged the directions into the GPS and realized that at one point I will be driving through her small town and the road I'll be passing is literally one block away from her house, where I would often park my car. I did it. I passed through, nothing changed however I felt as if I was at the epicenter of a dark distant past. I felt weird and I thought that the slight indifference followed by 'oh well' is what she must of felt a month after i left her.

BPDs like Goldylamont said, project their feelings onto others. They hate themselves, they CANNOT stand abandonment or even worse, LOOKING IN. They cannot and will not look into themselves and realize that they are the SOLE reason for their misery. So whats the next best thing? live in denial and externalize the self hatred, frustration, dispair, misery, gloom, self loathing, etc. that they have and blame it on others.  That way, they avoid looking IN. They often do this for people who get too close to them, too close for comfort. In a way, we meant a lot because they just don't act this way for any person.

Nevertheless, she is disconnected but for the wrong reasons. My best advice from, I guess you can say, someone on the other side who has learned a few lessons from this, is to feel your feelings.

It's a blessing that we can change ourselves.

It's a blessing that we have the STRENGTH to look at ourselves and our faults.

It's a blessing that we are able to feel and sustain an actual love for someone.

It's a blessing that we are no longer with them.

A BPD detaches from people? No. They supress. They bottle everthing up. They are HUMANS, weak, scared, fragile humans. They are not supermen/women. THey are their own kryptonite. They are so riddled with self hate and shame that they frantically look for an escape elsewhere. They run from their own shadows.

Let me ask you something, How would you feel (truly) if you were scared/hated your own shadow? what a horrible way to live.

[Deleted]

To answer your question... .How long does it take to get over them?

For me... .? was the day I knocked that woman off the superwoman pedastal and realized how infantile, toxic, and weak she is a person.

The day I actually said, 'you know what?... .you have given me such pain but I forgive you, I stayed for my own reasons and I allowed it as well. I forgive you.

The day I realized that this horrible experience is a gift. That's when I blasted off in terms of my recovery.

[Ironmanrises]

This is what I was afraid to hear.  I have a long road ahead of me while she has disconnected an probably doesn't ever give it a thought even though I initiated the breakup!  Frustrating!

Waifed,

I am a year and 5 months out and I'm doing leaps and bounds better. A month ago, I had to take a trip for work, plugged the directions into the GPS and realized that at one point I will be driving through her small town and the road I'll be passing is literally one block away from her house, where I would often park my car. I did it. I passed through, nothing changed however I felt as if I was at the epicenter of a dark distant past. I felt weird and I thought that the slight indifference followed by 'oh well' is what she must of felt a month after i left her.

BPDs like Goldylamont said, project their feelings onto others. They hate themselves, they CANNOT stand abandonment or even worse, LOOKING IN. They cannot and will not look into themselves and realize that they are the SOLE reason for their misery. So whats the next best thing? live in denial and externalize the self hatred, frustration, dispair, misery, gloom, self loathing, etc. that they have and blame it on others.  That way, they avoid looking IN. They often do this for people who get too close to them, too close for comfort. In a way, we meant a lot because they just don't act this way for any person.

Nevertheless, she is disconnected but for the wrong reasons. My best advice from, I guess you can say, someone on the other side who has learned a few lessons from this, is to feel your feelings.

It's a blessing that we can change ourselves.

It's a blessing that we have the STRENGTH to look at ourselves and our faults.

It's a blessing that we are able to feel and sustain an actual love for someone.

It's a blessing that we are no longer with them.

A BPD detaches from people? No. They supress. They bottle everthing up. They are HUMANS, weak, scared, fragile humans. They are not supermen/women. THey are their own kryptonite. They are so riddled with self hate and shame that they frantically look for an escape elsewhere. They run from their own shadows.

Let me ask you something, How would you feel (truly) if you were scared/hated your own shadow? what a horrible way to live.

In bold.



Bingo.

[Waifed]

Let me ask you something, How would you feel (truly) if you were scared/hated your own shadow? what a horrible way to live. [/quote]
Good point. I can not even imagine that feeling, thankfully.

[Waifed]

To answer your question... .How long does it take to get over them?

For me... .? was the day I knocked that woman off the superwoman pedastal and realized how infantile, toxic, and weak she is a person.

The day I actually said, 'you know what?... .you have given me such pain but I forgive you, I stayed for my own reasons and I allowed it as well. I forgive you.

The day I realized that this horrible experience is a gift. That's when I blasted off in terms of my recovery.

I feel this way about every other day . Lol