Wanted to give it another try

[Onmyown]

We were apart for awhile.  Started talking again, just as friends.  Did things together as friends, but that's when he is on his best behavior it seems, when were trying to work through issues.

Gave my perspective on what I believe to be BPD within him and told him to look it up and read about it.

Things were going great, he was listening and trying - acutally being healthy and taking care of himself on his own.

Then I teased him about a project he was working on, just teasing him because it took a little longer than planned.  It's something he truly enjoys and I teased him.

He blew up, ranted and raved that I treated him like a child. "My family and friends do this to me and I hate it and now you're doing the same thing!" The whole time he was yelling and belittling me, there were people aroung and listening.   I was humiliated.

The weekend was ruined.

I stayed away, gave myself space and him time to think about what a monster he was to me in front of others and that is not ok with me.

Things got better, he understood where I was coming from.

Then today, because I said I didn't want to do something.

I talked to him incorrectly, "I had an attitude and was rude" - because I didn't want to do what he was doing.

While taking a shower, he packed his things a left, just left without saying anything.

This is everything we talked about him not doing again.

There's no control.

I had no idea he was upset until he was gone.

All the blame on me because he took what I said wrong.

I'm trying to be patient and loving but I'm just beside myself.

It's so easy to give the one you love these extra attempts to try and it always ends up on my plate as being my fault.

Blow up after blow up, because he takes somethings wrong and blows it out of porportion.

Now what?  Keep trying for the next blow up that'll most likely happen in the two week cycle or end it?

Thoughts, ideas,perspctive from others?

Does anyone truly heal from this disorder or am I wasting my time... .

It just feels good getting this off my chest, thank you for listening to me, I'm really angry at myself for allowing this to happen again, but loving someone with BPD sucks

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

The things you list are frequent triggers for my pwBPD too.  Teasing -- it's great, till it's not.  He's so tender, and I am expected to be his supporter, so when he thinks maybe I also don't respect or understand him -- it is a big blow to him.

Same with not agreeing with something he wants to do.  In my case he might go along with me, but there is this simmering resentment that I failed to make the preferred choice, when he might not even have indicated it mattered particularly to him, because he'd decided to just go along with what I wanted to make me happy ... .

I think many pwBPD imagine that relationships are supposed to entail the other person intuiting what they think, want, value and believe, without error or misunderstanding.  When that doesn't happen, it feels like a repudiation of them in some way.  Shame and self-hatred undoubtedly feed into this.

What I've heard from those wiser than me on Staying is how important it is not to think you can avoid all of this -- and not to contort yourself into a pretzel trying.  When it happens, you deal with it.  You can use validation and not react in ways that make it worse -- not engage in shaming, not take it personally.

I think accepting that this will happen is super important, and until/unless you do that, you are clinging to the illusion that this person is not disordered and might function normally.  He won't.  When you write that "this is everything we agreed he wouldn't do," that assumes that he is in conscious control of his emotional reactions, and he isn't.  He has powerful, relentless defense mechanisms at work that take over and interfere with any efforts he might be making to have rational control of his reactions.  His feelings really are that you hurt him, that you are a threat or are dangerous to him.  My pwBPD really feels that sometimes, too.  I think it can be hard for us to take that seriously because we know we have their best interests at heart and would never act to hurt them knowingly.  Yet, these things do hurt them.  The hurt is real.  So it is too much to ask that, after just having had a conversation or two about this, they are going to have the tools and perspective to handle these situations completely differently than the ways they think have "worked" for them their whole lives.

I'm sure others will have more concrete suggestions ... .

[Grey Kitty]

Sorry to hear he left like that.   

Do you want him to come back again?

Do you expect him to come back again?

What would you like to do differently if/when he does?

[Onmyown]

Grey Kitty -

I miss him when he's not here, but then I think about WHY he's not here.

I don't know if I want him to come back, it'll be the same scenario again in two weeks.

Do differently?  He asked for a final chance to not repeat what he's done before, he repeated it.

If I knew he that he was upset today and was going to leave, I would have told him that this was your final chance.

[Onmyown]

Patientandclear -

I agree with your insight, he doesn't have the tools to keep his anger, fear and insecurities under control.

The sad thing is that when I bring up what we would do as a couple to resolve issues, he has a excuse for why he didn't talk to me.  I let him choose which tools would be easiest for him so that he could follow through.  That doesn't work either.

He blows up, says hateful things.  I bring to his attention what he just said and that it hurts me and ask why he repeats the cycle.  He doesn't remember what he just said or "I'm just mad and I don't mean it."

[Onmyown]

Next Phase:

So now after his melt down this morning and trying to act like nothing has happened "I said I'm sorry, let's kiss and make up cycle", he acts like a whipped puppy. "I know you're mad at me but I know you still love me"

I can't flip my emotions on and off like that.  I am hurt, I am angry that I can love someone like him.

I'm trying to remain neutral and understand that he is who he is, it's just exhausting.

[Grey Kitty]

My advice is to work more on what you can change--yourself, and less on what you cannot change--him.

Have you read the lessons on this site yet? I'd start on making sure that you aren't being invalidating in your communications with him, and then work on adding validation to the mix.

I'd also work on taking a time out as soon as he starts to blow up: You can't stop him from saying hateful things, but you can remove yourself and stop hearing them. Boundaries like this will help your relationship immensely. (Yes, we have a good workshop or two on boundaries; you can find them in the lessons as well)

And as for him coming back acting like a whipped puppy... .It really is hard to accept, but yes, he completely feels and believes one thing as he's stomping out, and equally sincerely believes something opposite when he comes back a day later.   Yes it is plenty tiresome!

As you start to believe that both feelings (on his part) are transitory parts of his mind, neither one more real than the other, you may find it easier to cope with, at least a bit.

[Onmyown]

Grey Kitty -

I didn't sleep last night thinking of everything.  This has been a battle for us for 3.5 years to include a year long restraining order due to his violence.

It's a 2-3 week cycle of explosive episodes with it all coming back on me as my fault.  Sweet koving and tender one minute - satan the next.

Completely agree with what you have written and I have tried, counceling, everything to help me to help him.

I broke it off today simply stating we are not good together and neither one of us are happy for any length of time.  he actually said that he needed to go.  But I do, know he'll be trying to contact me.  It's the pattern.  Blocks have been put into place though.

I am now going to move forward and keep myself moving in a healthy direction.

Thank you all for all your input!

Wish me luck 

[Grey Kitty]

  Best of luck to you going forward!

Whatever happens later (you said he will try to contact you again) any work you do on boundaries to protect yourself is a huge help--and not just for dealing with him--This sort of issue can come up with other people in your life too, and will sooner or later.

Hopefully that sort of people are rare in your life, but I know I've got a few in mine that don't have good boundaries and sometimes try to push over mine.

 GK