Things seem better but I am not confident in the future

[Cipher13]

The last week things have been going just find. No rages, a few almost beginning of some things like, "I still think you are cheating and I can't prove it. You prove that you are not." 

Now the biggest thing that may or may not come up is that she is still looking for jobs that will make me give up my jpb which I really really enjoy. Not easy to find a job that I will like this much. If the jobs she is looking at pay less than either of us make now its easier to say no. Now she has an interview for one in a remote area that pays about $12k more than eitehr of make now. Cost of living is low in that area and its a place I'd retire to... .ie its remote and has a lot of wilderness. But I'm way to young to not work mid 30's and I know I won't find anything around there... .

I am afraid of what will happen here. She will want to do it. Its a good opportuntiy. I won't be able to or want to go so I will be the bad guy... .Not lookig forward to this. Then again there is the chance they don't select her... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wishfulthinking]

She will get you there and then quit.  I can see it all too well.  Don't give up your security.  If she takes it, tell her she can move ahead of you and when you find something comparable you will follow.  If she sticks it out during that time then she might prove herself to you, otherwise she is manipulating you for control.  Be careful.

[Cipher13]

lostinparadise

Yes that is exactly what I am worried about... .I will be the horrible monster for saying no but I have to stick to it. Now she is asking me to see if I can work remotely... .Even if I can I don't want to. Besides its not in an area that has the best internet speeds. Its in Boonies for cryin out loud. I will say I asked and was told no.  I don't want to give my work the impression that I want to move around or leave.

[Proud_Dad]

Cipher,

I second the words of Lostinparadise!

Pease proceed with caution. Once you are out of your comfort zone it will be much harder for you to look out for yourself.

My uBPD finance has been trying to get me to move halfway across the country so we can get away from the "freaks" where we are. She thinks that a big move will allow her to begin to forgive my past and renew our relationship. I think it will just pile on more stress to every aspect of our lives.

Let her go and follow, this could be the event that allows her to realize how much she values you as a person or creates the space that is needed for both of you to see that you are better off without one another. It sucks but it might be a blessing in disguise.

Just my opinion, but I am a bit biased due to my own situation... .

Twinsdad

[wishfulthinking]

Proud Dad,

I wouldn't call it biased... .Jaded, bitter, cautious, smarter than we used to be... .but not biased... .too many lessons learned.

[Proud_Dad]

Lostinparadise,

Too true!

Never stop learning.

Proud dad

[Cipher13]

Thank you both.

I have moved around this country far too many times because of outside forces beign "better" some place else... "Family doesn't care anymore. Or they are self absorbed with other stuff and don't care to be around us" Now its he sister is too "messed up" and neices and nephew all grown up. 

But moving has never solved any problem. Well maybe the first time we moved across the country. We edned up with good paying jobs for 5 years befor we messed it up and come back. home. I'm happy with my jpb. I'm happy with my new house. She has a good job just doens't like it... .again. Never likes them after a period of time.  Unlike her my mind can understand that.

[Mono No Aware]

Holy cow, everytime I log on I am stunned to find that another thing a lot of us Nons share.

Moved across country because BPD mate wanted to get away from family/friends/inlaws? Yep!

And now BPD mate blames me for taking them away from family/friends/inlaws? Yep!

OMG do NOT move or move with a pwBPD far away unless you absolutely have to. Much pain will ensue.

Further, the observations that she will not succeed in this far-away job in a remote area are certainly correct.

Remember, pwBPD make decisions 100% based on emotion-of-the-moment. All evidence that the job may not be a dream job will be ignored, and the desire to get away from (insert whatever/whomever their negativity is currently being projected upon) will override all logic. And when you get there... .now the negativity will be projected full force on YOU!

Finally, the chance of finding a BPD specialized therapist in a remote rural area, or developing a decent support network, are slim.

[Cipher13]

Finally, the chance of finding a BPD specialized therapist in a remote rural area, or developing a decent support network, are slim.

I completely didn't think of that to.  This is not goign to be good. Sh just got 2 more interviews.  I think I need to find some way to plan this out so I can get her to either figure it out on her own it won't work... .not likely I have never had any success in trying that... .or I need to find a way to convince her to go withoutme first until I sell the house or some other type of excusse for a while... .This is not good. No good at all.

[wishfulthinking]

She is straight up manipulating you right now, don't let her.  Stand firm.  You have a job you love, that counts for so much in life.  I mean, no... .work isn't everything, but think of all the people that hate their jobs and it makes their life harder and miserable.  You don't have that already, so you are a step ahead in life... .You leave your job and move with her, she quits her job and you don't have one you like or that pays the bills, she is more unhappy and leaves you for the next infatuation... .you are STUCK where you should't have been at that point.  Just playing worst case scenario here, devil's advocate, as you will... .but considering what I've experienced and read on here... .worst case is usually what happens with pwBPD.  If there is any time to think of yourself, this is it.