Challenge #2: Family & Friends

[beachtalks]

I have become pretty good at drawing boundaries with my BPDhusband.  In the two years he has been together, he has spent at least half of it in jail, due to threats of harming me, harassing me while I am driving, busting down doors and furniture, etc-  He is always drinking when he acts out, and is currently living in a half-way house and in classes for Domestic Violence and substance abuse.  Although he has never physically hurt me, he causes risks and threats to my life and the life of our children.  I have never excused his behavior and will always separate from him when he acts out and/or even drinks. Despite all of HIS problems, I am actually quite happy in my life.  I love him and believe that change takes time.  I am extremely patient with the process; I don't mind our time apart and have a lot of good things in my own life to keep me busy, particularly our one year-old son!

However, my family and friends have created secondary stresses in my life that are more difficult to deal with.  They are all concerned, not just with the safety of my children and I, but with the stress and quality of life that being with a BPD-partner brings.  Almost all of them want me to leave my husband.  It infuriates me that they consider giving me advise on my marriage, which I believe is strictly my decision.  It infuriates me when people don't assume that I am protecting my children, and try and guilt-trip me about the effects this has on them, when they all know me to be a very responsible, careful mother.  It also frustrates me to have to try and explain to them that I want this life with my husband, through the thick and thin, and that I believe these trials are worth my efforts.  I guess they all have a picture in their mind of the kind of life I should have, and it hurts them to see the life that I do have.  It also feels as though they have lost all trust in me.  What they aren't understanding is the kind of love that I have for my husband, and the fact that my priorities in life have changed.  I still put the children first, and don't see why walking away from this challenge is better for them.   

I find myself getting defensive at times, and "going off" on friends and family when they are discouraging about my marriage, or comment on the safety of our kids.  While I appreciate their concerns, their comments insult me.  I have always been respected by my friends and family and now they treat me like this lost victim that they worry about, which isn't the case at all.  In fact, I am happier in this relationship than any other relationship I have ever been in.  When you love someone deeply, even the worst day with them is better than the best day with anyone else.  I have tried keeping my marriage dynamics private, and will probably have to go back to that.  It isn't really my style, being ultra private.  After years of therapy, I have turned to friendships as a cheaper way to work through things, but I don't think my friends and family are serving me much help anymore.  Any thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

Hi beachtalks,

Speaking, well typing really, as a person who is also deeply committed to a mentally ill life mate and loves them as much as you love your H, my first though is that I understand your situation. Essentially your support network is not being supportive, and worse being actively against your life decision to Stay and Improve.

I snipped out two lines from your well-written post just for comparison, not to take anything out-of-context:

... .he causes risks and threats to my life and the life of our children... .

... .  They are all concerned, not just with the safety of my children and I, but with the stress and quality of life that being with a BPD-partner brings.  Almost all of them want me to leave my husband.  ... .

The Challenge you have chosen is an uphill battle indeed: in the next few years if not decades you have to provide reliable and long-term proof to your people that H's rehab took hold and that you and he together achieved enough Improvement to meet or at least approach their lofty standards... .which I suspect mostly center on SAFETY which you are of course quite on point about.

So a big component of the planned Improvement is the safety situation. It is going to have to be more focused on "No, That No Longer Happens" rather than the current "We Have a Solid Escape Plan Because It's Going To Happen" if you catch my drift.

Quality of life is a nebulous and highly relative concept, some people have "clean shoes and clothes without holes" at the top of their Minimum Requirements list while others think more in terms of "vacation cottage on a lake with at least one convertible in the garage".

Hopefully you're thinking more along the lines of sobriety, steady job, bills paid, therapy attended to manage dysregulation, and peaceful time together.

Good luck!

[Grey Kitty]

Well, I'd suggest you try applying some boundaries with your friends and family.

I'm assuming that most of them are non-BPD people who care about you, I'd suggest you start with a direct request, and ask them to honor it. The S.E.T. format which works so well for a pwBPD is also effective with healthier people. Here is a start:

I really appreciate your support.

I understand that my H's behavior has you worried about me and my children.

It is not helping me to hear you suggest I leave him. Please support me by doing X, Y, Z instead.


Think about how you would fill in X, Y, and Z.

I started writing more, but it sounded way too defensive. JADE'ing doesn't help you with anybody, BPD or not.

If this doesn't help, set a boundary, and if your "supporters" start guilting you or telling you to leave, either end or shift the conversation as quickly and gently as you can.

 GK

P.S.  The acceptance and determination you express sounds like a real willing attitude!

[waverider]

It is hard to accept that outsiders dont see and experience things from your perspective. Neither would you if you were not in this position. They never will so dont try attempting to sway them.

However there will be grains of truth in their observations. So it is better to see them as playing the devils advocate. Otherwise you can blind yourself with stubborn defensiveness. This gets worse if you start reacting defensively.

As the others have stated make clear boundaries with outsiders so that you dont get drawn into conflict. That way they wont try as hard to convince you, and you will not react as defensively, and you may take some of their more constructive comments on board. Not everything they believe will be nonsense.

Setting boundaries and reducing conflict will reduce the isolation effect that living with BPD often causes. If your life shrinks to just yours, and your partners, opinions on things you will loose your way, and it is a hard hole to dig yourself out of