NC and Parenting

[Stuffie]

I am so new to this so I apologize if I'm asking questions that have already been asked multiple times!

My high functioning, dBPD ex and I have a parenting plan regarding our son. The only issue is that it isn't crystal clear due to his work schedule. His schedule changes every month so saying that our son would go with him every Monday or something like that won't work. I have tried to discuss the upcoming month's schedule with him through email but with his need to control EVERYTHING he refuses to respond via email. Instead, he will respond to my email with a text message even though I have insisted that I do not want contact in this form. He has downloaded several apps and used them to create fake texting logs. I don't trust him at all. Yet, he completely refuses to email about our son. He will respond to my email immediately by text so it's clear the he is receiving them on his smart phone and choosing to ignore my request.

How do I do this? I have already given him a few dates through email that would work for him taking our son, he sent a text saying that he wanted several different, specific dates. I then responded back, through email, that if he didn't send me a response through that channel that I would assume the dates I offered would work. He has also been adamant that I meet him at a police station and he video tapes our entire interaction, refuses to answer any questions I have about our son (have you changed him recently, did he eat, etc) He is attempting to push me into getting upset and frustrated to try to demonstrate that I'M the unstable one to the court. Our parenting plan isn't specific about where pick ups and drop offs need to occur. I also usually have my 5 year old daughter with me when we have our exchange and it makes me VERY uncomfortable that he video tapes her while we are there.

Thoughts? I am lacking on funds for my attorney at the moment and don't want to waste what I do have on simple questions like this that he won't fully understand.

[Waddams]

Here's a link about a new term called e-personation.  Basically impersonating another using electronic means.

www.verdict.justia.com/2011/11/22/dealing-with-e-personation

There's a wide variation in how it's handled between states, but some states are criminalizing it.  If you can document it, you might be able to find some kind of legal remedy on your own.

Perhaps a google search of "e-personation + (your state/county/jurisdiction name)"? 

The article also discusses a NJ case where the courts applied identity theft laws to a situation involving e-personation.

As for a more immediate solution?  I'd recommend reviewing what your parenting plan says, and as close as possible just stick to it as much as possible.  If he has work conflicts with his parenting time, tell him tough.  If it isn't clear on his schedule for parenting time, then couldn't it also be unclear that you have to be at the police station when he demands?  Just don't go.  Don't respond to texts, etc.  Hold your boundaries.

Any chance of getting a more specific parenting plan in place? 

[ForeverDad]

One solution to the communication issue has been to use Our Family Wizard (OFW) or similar sites which have tracking of emails and ability of the court or other authority to monitor the logs.  Downsides, there is an annual fee and likely you would get him to use it only by court order.  Some have used it here but apparently not many probably since it takes two to make it work and without an order stating so it's hard to accomplish.

[Stuffie]

Here's a link about a new term called e-personation.  Basically impersonating another using electronic means.

www.verdict.justia.com/2011/11/22/dealing-with-e-personation

There's a wide variation in how it's handled between states, but some states are criminalizing it.  If you can document it, you might be able to find some kind of legal remedy on your own.

Perhaps a google search of "e-personation + (your state/county/jurisdiction name)"? 

The article also discusses a NJ case where the courts applied identity theft laws to a situation involving e-personation.

As for a more immediate solution?  I'd recommend reviewing what your parenting plan says, and as close as possible just stick to it as much as possible.  If he has work conflicts with his parenting time, tell him tough.  If it isn't clear on his schedule for parenting time, then couldn't it also be unclear that you have to be at the police station when he demands?  Just don't go.  Don't respond to texts, etc.  Hold your boundaries.

Any chance of getting a more specific parenting plan in place? 

We are currently working on it! That's why he keeps pushing me to get upset and angry. He even called CPS on me under completely made up accusations. The CPS agent even said that he knew almost immediately that my ex was just trying to cause trouble. We are going to mediation later this month and court in the next few months since I'm sure mediation won't work for us. Naturally.

I'm not obligated to meet him at the police station but I didn't argue. It's on my way out of town anyway and I normally go out to my parents or to meet friends while my son is with his dad. So it wasn't a big deal. However, now I'm starting to question giving him that control. The order basically states that the receiving parent must pick up the child from where ever he is at the time. So I may have to go to the police station to get my baby back but as far as when his dad picks him up, it's basically where ever I am at the time. I just haven't made a big deal out of this. I might though, going forward. It is pretty inconvenient to have to drag my other child out at 8am on Saturday just so my ex can have his demands met.

[Waddams]

I'm not obligated to meet him at the police station but I didn't argue. It's on my way out of town anyway and I normally go out to my parents or to meet friends while my son is with his dad. So it wasn't a big deal. However, now I'm starting to question giving him that control. The order basically states that the receiving parent must pick up the child from where ever he is at the time. So I may have to go to the police station to get my baby back but as far as when his dad picks him up, it's basically where ever I am at the time. I just haven't made a big deal out of this. I might though, going forward. It is pretty inconvenient to have to drag my other child out at 8am on Saturday just so my ex can have his demands met.

I get a bit militant and at this point am not afraid to tell a judge "Yeah I did that and here's why... ." but I wouldn't have problem one telling your BPDex to pound sand from now on.  He can get the kid on his ordered schedule, and he can get the kid from where you are.  If he isn't available for his time, that's his problem, not yours.  You don't need to dance around him.

[Stuffie]

I'm not obligated to meet him at the police station but I didn't argue. It's on my way out of town anyway and I normally go out to my parents or to meet friends while my son is with his dad. So it wasn't a big deal. However, now I'm starting to question giving him that control. The order basically states that the receiving parent must pick up the child from where ever he is at the time. So I may have to go to the police station to get my baby back but as far as when his dad picks him up, it's basically where ever I am at the time. I just haven't made a big deal out of this. I might though, going forward. It is pretty inconvenient to have to drag my other child out at 8am on Saturday just so my ex can have his demands met.

I get a bit militant and at this point am not afraid to tell a judge "Yeah I did that and here's why... ." but I wouldn't have problem one telling your BPDex to pound sand from now on.  He can get the kid on his ordered schedule, and he can get the kid from where you are.  If he isn't available for his time, that's his problem, not yours.  You don't need to dance around him.

I do have quite a bit of guilt regarding our son. I dislike thinking that my child might grow up not knowing his father very well, not that this isn't most likely for the best at this point. But whenever my ex wants to see him I usually never say no and I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure my baby gets to see his dad. Our son is just 13 months old and it bothers me a lot that his father is so uninvolved.

[livednlearned]

I do have quite a bit of guilt regarding our son. I dislike thinking that my child might grow up not knowing his father very well, not that this isn't most likely for the best at this point. But whenever my ex wants to see him I usually never say no and I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure my baby gets to see his dad. Our son is just 13 months old and it bothers me a lot that his father is so uninvolved.

Guilt is like an engine that drives a lot of good intentions over the cliff.

The advice my L gave me was to do no more than what I was required to do in our consent order. She said that too much cooperation made it look like I didn't take seriously how disordered he was. She also pointed out that accommodating him was never reciprocated, and he used everything I did to inflict more punishment on me. Like Waddams said, let your ex pound sand.

Your son is young, so it's hard to see what could have been if you had stayed in the r/s. But there is a good chance your son is dodging a bullet. It's painful to realize that, because we all wanted two healthy adults to raise healthy children. There's a ton of grief there, just mourning the death of that dream. I stayed until my son was 8, and watching him fall to pieces, trying to cope with a BPD father at home is many more times the grief than the pain of losing the dream.

It's about you now. The more you focus on you, the better it will be for your son.  

[Stuffie]

I do have quite a bit of guilt regarding our son. I dislike thinking that my child might grow up not knowing his father very well, not that this isn't most likely for the best at this point. But whenever my ex wants to see him I usually never say no and I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure my baby gets to see his dad. Our son is just 13 months old and it bothers me a lot that his father is so uninvolved.

Guilt is like an engine that drives a lot of good intentions over the cliff.

The advice my L gave me was to do no more than what I was required to do in our consent order. She said that too much cooperation made it look like I didn't take seriously how disordered he was. She also pointed out that accommodating him was never reciprocated, and he used everything I did to inflict more punishment on me. Like Waddams said, let your ex pound sand.

Your son is young, so it's hard to see what could have been if you had stayed in the r/s. But there is a good chance your son is dodging a bullet. It's painful to realize that, because we all wanted two healthy adults to raise healthy children. There's a ton of grief there, just mourning the death of that dream. I stayed until my son was 8, and watching him fall to pieces, trying to cope with a BPD father at home is many more times the grief than the pain of losing the dream.

It's about you now. The more you focus on you, the better it will be for your son.  

The last time we were supposed to go to court my ex hadn't yet been diagnosed with BPD. We were actually getting along at that point as he thought there was a chance we might still end up together. At that point, I had just started a new job and couldn't afford to take off work and BPDex had quit/been fired from his. I didn't make it to court and made the mistake of trusting him to give the judge the notarized parenting plan we had been working off of until our court date. He holds this over my head constantly and claims I don't care about my son since I was unable to attend court.

Will a judge take it seriously that he has been diagnosed with BPD? Will that have any baring at all?

Currently, my ex is wanting to file an order of contempt. I asked him several weeks ago if he could watch our son while I was out of town this next month and he said, verbatim, that he would not be available any of the dates that I requested due to work. Based on that, I found other care for our son and now the ex is throwing a fit claiming that I am taking away his court ordered weekend. I have all of those conversations saved in email and CC'd my attorney in on everything. I even offered to let him make up that time on ANY other day during the month and have been overly accommodating thus far. It's about to stop though. It just gets so tiring going back and forth with him.

[livednlearned]

He holds this over my head constantly and claims I don't care about my son since I was unable to attend court.

This detail would be meaningless in court. Your ex is a bully, and he knows how to manipulate you. It will take a while, but you'll eventually be able to tell what's bs. The odds are in your favor that you will be the rational, clear-headed thinker in what matters and what doesn't with court. Don't let him rent space in your head.   Trust your own thinking about what matters.

Will a judge take it seriously that he has been diagnosed with BPD? Will that have any baring at all?

Advice you commonly see here on these boards is to focus on the patterns of behavior more than the diagnosis. That's why you need to document everything. Believe me, the documentation is like investing in gold. With BPD, documentation is almost guaranteed to produce something you'll need in court.

Currently, my ex is wanting to file an order of contempt. I asked him several weeks ago if he could watch our son while I was out of town this next month and he said, verbatim, that he would not be available any of the dates that I requested due to work. Based on that, I found other care for our son and now the ex is throwing a fit claiming that I am taking away his court ordered weekend. I have all of those conversations saved in email and CC'd my attorney in on everything. I even offered to let him make up that time on ANY other day during the month and have been overly accommodating thus far. It's about to stop though. It just gets so tiring going back and forth with him.

Usually consent or custody orders include Rights of First Refusal (ROFR). That just means that you agree to offer your child's other parent the first right to refuse taking care of your child. My ex thought it meant he could decide whether or not I got to go out and used it as a control tactic. So when he refused, and I found someone else, he would regularly throw fits. Sounds like your ex got the same memo.

Document when you ask him to take care of your child, and document when he refuses. Then, if he rages at you when you find someone else, document that too. Show the pattern of you behaving reasonably, and him behaving irrationally. That's more important than telling the court he is BPD.

[Stuffie]

He holds this over my head constantly and claims I don't care about my son since I was unable to attend court.

This detail would be meaningless in court. Your ex is a bully, and he knows how to manipulate you. It will take a while, but you'll eventually be able to tell what's bs. The odds are in your favor that you will be the rational, clear-headed thinker in what matters and what doesn't with court. Don't let him rent space in your head.   Trust your own thinking about what matters.

Will a judge take it seriously that he has been diagnosed with BPD? Will that have any baring at all?

Advice you commonly see here on these boards is to focus on the patterns of behavior more than the diagnosis. That's why you need to document everything. Believe me, the documentation is like investing in gold. With BPD, documentation is almost guaranteed to produce something you'll need in court.

Currently, my ex is wanting to file an order of contempt. I asked him several weeks ago if he could watch our son while I was out of town this next month and he said, verbatim, that he would not be available any of the dates that I requested due to work. Based on that, I found other care for our son and now the ex is throwing a fit claiming that I am taking away his court ordered weekend. I have all of those conversations saved in email and CC'd my attorney in on everything. I even offered to let him make up that time on ANY other day during the month and have been overly accommodating thus far. It's about to stop though. It just gets so tiring going back and forth with him.

Usually consent or custody orders include Rights of First Refusal (ROFR). That just means that you agree to offer your child's other parent the first right to refuse taking care of your child. My ex thought it meant he could decide whether or not I got to go out and used it as a control tactic. So when he refused, and I found someone else, he would regularly throw fits. Sounds like your ex got the same memo.

Document when you ask him to take care of your child, and document when he refuses. Then, if he rages at you when you find someone else, document that too. Show the pattern of you behaving reasonably, and him behaving irrationally. That's more important than telling the court he is BPD.

Thank you so much for the advice! I'm kicking myself for not documenting everything now. I have a few instances on record but not everything. I know that he believes I also have BPD, which I do not. I was concerned when he first started telling me that he thought I was crazy and I underwent several psych evals that came out clean. He records everything that I do, on a video camera and on paper to try to prove that I'm the one that isn't in control. It's frustrating.

[Forward2free]

Be mindful about him trying to engage you negatively when he has the video on! He knows how to get a reaction and manipulate a situation to make you on edge and fearful.

Perhaps you could record your own version of events, at least an audio copy on a smart phone, so that he can't re-edit the video to make it seem that you are unreasonable.

Be really careful about being too accommodating... .

If you need to email schedule changes, try to avoid needing a response.

Bill Eddy wrote a book called BIFF; from Amazon: We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect in which emails, social media posts, and personal attacks are on the increase. We must learn to respond to people who communicate this way -- people with high-conflict personalities. A BIFF response can be applied in any communication anywhere - on the Internet, in a letter or in person. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors and others anywhere in your life. BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely - while being reasonable in return.

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This little book gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all areas of life - plus additional tips to help you deal with high-conflict people anywhere.

Bill Eddy's website has a detailed look at how to effectively do BIFF too... .

[livednlearned]

Thank you so much for the advice! I'm kicking myself for not documenting everything now. I have a few instances on record but not everything. I know that he believes I also have BPD, which I do not. I was concerned when he first started telling me that he thought I was crazy and I underwent several psych evals that came out clean. He records everything that I do, on a video camera and on paper to try to prove that I'm the one that isn't in control. It's frustrating.

Frustrating, yes. But it's also information for you. If you know he is recording you, then that means he plans to use it. You have to counter that with your own documentation. Things move very quickly in court and pwBPD try to tangle everything up in distortions. Document everything.

I used Google calendar to record all the incidents that were piling up, as well as doctor appointments, school stuff, etc. Anything that had to do with S12. You can print out Google calendars as agendas as it creates this nice timeline of things in chronological order, and that was a huge help prepping for my deposition. It helps to see things laid out like that because lord knows you have enough on your mind, and stress is notorious for messing with memory. Not to mention there isn't a lot of time when you're a single parent raising a toddler, battling a pwBPD over custody.

Don't worry about the things you haven't recorded. Be gentle with yourself. There will be plenty of things your ex will do that you can document going forward.