Feeling Replaced

[ThisIsMyNamelol]

So, my first post failed pretty miserably, so I'll try to keep this one a little more short-winded.

Reading the stories, and all the information on here, it's all kind of starting to make sense. Not sure if my ex was ever diagnosed with BPD, if she was, she never told me.

Basically what's bothering me is that only just 2 months ago she was threatening to throw herself off my balcony if I was to leave her. Attacking me physically, which she had never done before, and hyperventilating at the thought of me leaving her. This was a climax of my frustration towards her and her antics, and when I asked her to leave she blew up. Needless to say though, we made up the next day and were fine for the following month.

Due to a new friend I had made at work who was female, she grew increasingly jealous and became severely depressed. She was sure I was going to leave her. She told her brothers, and she told them how she had been feeling, and they checked her into the psych ward. She had been cutting herself and not eating for that last month. Throughout the week she had been gone, it was on and off between us. One second she wanted to be single, the next she couldn't live without me and no one had ever meant so much to her. She explained that she only wanted to leave because she was scared of getting hurt, and felt vulnerable. Then nothing. I tried calling her all day, and only found out we were done when I was contacted by the police to stop contacting her. It hurt, but there was nothing I could do. Found out that somehow she had convinced all of the doctors, and everyone around her that I was an emotional abuser, and they told her to cut me off and go to the police. She emailed me that same night, angry as ever, but saying she was still madly in love with me and that I needed to change and quit talking to this girl. For some reason, I agreed, but it didn't matter. It was already over. That was only a month ago. Went NC after that until recently.

It was a quiet month, aside from some drama between her and her best friend. She had cut off her best friend 2 days after me, suspecting that something had gone on between me and her. She was obviously angry and hurt, and taking it out on others. Acting out. But not directly towards me. She avoided me like the plague. Until a few days ago when I noticed she had unblocked me on facebook. I stewed on it, and wondered for hours if she was going to try to contact me, but I realized it wasn't healthy, so I blocked her, and decided to move on with my life. 2 days after that she decided to make a new facebook, and added a friend of mine, which showed up on my newsfeed. She posted "starting fresh" on her wall. So, I messaged her, thinking maybe she wasn't angry anymore. I told her I hope we can be friends someday, and she replied, "I was madly in love with you and you wrecked me, I have to move on. I'll text you when I'm ready" a few hours later she was in a relationship with a guy from her work, and they were exchanging I love you's. How is that possible? Just a month ago she was still madly in love with me, telling me how she wanted to be together forever? I know for a fact that she didn't leave me for this guy, and that it wasn't an overlap, because that's what I assumed at first until I got some answers. But still, it's like... .nothing happened between us. How could that be real?

I treated her great, helped her get her life back together, and I was never needy or clingy. She was always the clingy, jealous one, and always said she was afraid she wasn't good enough for me.

[NiceGuy83]

She probably unblocked you just so you could see the new relationship.  Feel sorry for the new guy, rather than wondering how she could move on so quickly.  They do. 

[Ironmanrises]

So, my first post failed pretty miserably, so I'll try to keep this one a little more short-winded.

Reading the stories, and all the information on here, it's all kind of starting to make sense. Not sure if my ex was ever diagnosed with BPD, if she was, she never told me.

Basically what's bothering me is that only just 2 months ago she was threatening to throw herself off my balcony if I was to leave her. Attacking me physically, which she had never done before, and hyperventilating at the thought of me leaving her. This was a climax of my frustration towards her and her antics, and when I asked her to leave she blew up. Needless to say though, we made up the next day and were fine for the following month.

Due to a new friend I had made at work who was female, she grew increasingly jealous and became severely depressed. She was sure I was going to leave her. She told her brothers, and she told them how she had been feeling, and they checked her into the psych ward. She had been cutting herself and not eating for that last month. Throughout the week she had been gone, it was on and off between us. One second she wanted to be single, the next she couldn't live without me and no one had ever meant so much to her. She explained that she only wanted to leave because she was scared of getting hurt, and felt vulnerable. Then nothing. I tried calling her all day, and only found out we were done when I was contacted by the police to stop contacting her. It hurt, but there was nothing I could do. Found out that somehow she had convinced all of the doctors, and everyone around her that I was an emotional abuser, and they told her to cut me off and go to the police. She emailed me that same night, angry as ever, but saying she was still madly in love with me and that I needed to change and quit talking to this girl. For some reason, I agreed, but it didn't matter. It was already over. That was only a month ago. Went NC after that until recently.

It was a quiet month, aside from some drama between her and her best friend. She had cut off her best friend 2 days after me, suspecting that something had gone on between me and her. She was obviously angry and hurt, and taking it out on others. Acting out. But not directly towards me. She avoided me like the plague. Until a few days ago when I noticed she had unblocked me on facebook. I stewed on it, and wondered for hours if she was going to try to contact me, but I realized it wasn't healthy, so I blocked her, and decided to move on with my life. 2 days after that she decided to make a new facebook, and added a friend of mine, which showed up on my newsfeed. She posted "starting fresh" on her wall. So, I messaged her, thinking maybe she wasn't angry anymore. I told her I hope we can be friends someday, and she replied, "I was madly in love with you and you wrecked me, I have to move on. I'll text you when I'm ready" a few hours later she was in a relationship with a guy from her work, and they were exchanging I love you's. How is that possible? Just a month ago she was still madly in love with me, telling me how she wanted to be together forever? I know for a fact that she didn't leave me for this guy, and that it wasn't an overlap, because that's what I assumed at first until I got some answers. But still, it's like... .nothing happened between us. How could that be real?

I treated her great, helped her get her life back together, and I was never needy or clingy. She was always the clingy, jealous one, and always said she was afraid she wasn't good enough for me.

In bold.

The answer to that question... .

Is quite simply... .

And quite horrifyingly... .

Because she has BPD.

I am sorry you experienced all of that.

The hurt you feel... .

We can all relate too.

I know it sucks.

You need to stay NC.

Hang in there.

[ThisIsMyNamelol]

  Thank you both. It's hard to accept at this point. I tried so hard to help this girl, and get her life turned around. She made so much progress, and it seemed so genuine. I felt... .significant. Like even if we didn't work out, in the end at least we made each other better people. To think that that all goes out the window in a week is hard to wrap my head around.

   The hardest part is thinking of her mom. This shell of a human being, empty to the core, does nothing but hurt everyone around her. Been married and remarried too many times to count, girlfriends and boyfriends. And the hell my ex went through with her. She was so afraid, constantly, that she would end up like her. I would hate to see that, I honestly would, but at this point is it almost inevitable?

[fiddlestix]

I feel for you.  I have been replaced already too (many times over). Only a few days after my dBPD ex wife of 25 years wanted to get back into my life (in a recent recycle) she was practically living with a new guy she found (in a bar or online).  It is amazing how fast they seem to just forget about us and move on.  Like a child, they tire of one beloved toy, toss it aside, and find another one.  Quite often, that "old toy" will appeal to them at some point again... .for a passing while.  :)on't take the bait when it comes.  

Yep, for whatever insane reasons, the BPD person moves on very quickly.  I am dear friends with a lovely new lady friend.  But I am nowhere near ready to step it up to an intimate relationship.  I want to do it right.  I want to heal.  I want to feel better FIRST; I don't want to jump into a relationship to make myself feel better, to avoid the pain of examining myself.  That would not be fair to me OR my special lady friend.  I guess people with BPD never consider what is healthy and fair.  They just plow through others to satisfy their urges and drives.  They try to stay ahead of and avoid the pain.  That is how they move on so quickly.  

[Ironmanrises]

  Thank you both. It's hard to accept at this point. I tried so hard to help this girl, and get her life turned around. She made so much progress, and it seemed so genuine. I felt... .significant. Like even if we didn't work out, in the end at least we made each other better people. To think that that all goes out the window in a week is hard to wrap my head around.

   The hardest part is thinking of her mom. This shell of a human being, empty to the core, does nothing but hurt everyone around her. Been married and remarried too many times to count, girlfriends and boyfriends. And the hell my ex went through with her. She was so afraid, constantly, that she would end up like her. I would hate to see that, I honestly would, but at this point is it almost inevitable?

Welcome.

In bold.

My eyes welled up reading that... .

I know exactly how you feel.

I too... .

Tried to help my ex.

Made no difference... .

She left regardless.

Twice.

[bpdspell]

Basically what's bothering me is that only just 2 months ago she was threatening to throw herself off my balcony if I was to leave her. ... .a few hours later she was in a relationship with a guy from her work, and they were exchanging I love you's. How is that possible? Just a month ago she was still madly in love with me, telling me how she wanted to be together forever? I know for a fact that she didn't leave me for this guy, and that it wasn't an overlap, because that's what I assumed at first until I got some answers. But still, it's like... .nothing happened between us. How could that be real?

Welcome to the BPD world of triangulation and being devalued.

There will be a lot for you to absorb about the disorder of BPD. Being replaced swiftly is a part of the disorder and really not about you. It may feel personal that she is with someone new but your ex is really sick and does this to support her mental illness.

It has nothing to do with you or something you believe you might have done and EVERYTHING to do with the progression of the toxic dance of BPD. Idealized, Devalue, Discard is usually how these relationships evolve and consequently dissolve.

When you learn more you'll realize that there was nothing you could have done within your power to stop your ex from emotionally dsyregulating.

Keep reading the articles and posting.

Spell

[musicfan42]

The hardest part is thinking of her mom. This shell of a human being, empty to the core, does nothing but hurt everyone around her. Been married and remarried too many times to count, girlfriends and boyfriends. And the hell my ex went through with her. She was so afraid, constantly, that she would end up like her. I would hate to see that, I honestly would, but at this point is it almost inevitable?

Yeah... I had a friend who hated her mother too but basically is becoming very like her. They don't realize that they're turning into what they hate but at the same time, they've never seen anything else. For better or worse, parents instill values into their children so say for example the mother thinks it's fine to cheat on romantic partners then more than likely so will the daughter.

[Learning_curve74]

If you want to understand why somebody does something, then you have to think like them. Since she is a pwBPD, you can't use your "normal person" logic, you have to think like a crazy disordered person. Once you can do that, all their dysfunctional behaviors make perfect sense. But understanding doesn't necessarily take away your feelings about it! I totally understand my exBPDgf but I still feel awful for her.

I was reading a scientific article about BPD, and it seems that women with mothers that are BPD are at a higher risk to develop BPD themselves. I believe that my exBPDgf's mom and grandmother were also BPD. Nit a great environment to be raised in, and what you saw as a child growing up is probably what you end up learning a lot from.