at what point?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i truly did/do love the ex BPD g/f and i know i stayed becouse of my own fear of being alone my dream of a lasting family, and out of pitty for her at times. i know  shes ill and may never get better. i undrstand all this much better these days.

what im not sure of is why the dream of her coming back still runs wide in my head. why cant i just give up on it? i tell myself its becouse of the BPD r/s and the impact it had on me but i dont feel im hurt that bad by the things i lived with.

at times i feel im useing the BPD r/s as a reason to not get over this, im not really sure about that?

at what point do we or should we ever just look at it as a break and let things go?

[simplyasiam]

i truly did/do love the ex BPD g/f and i know i stayed becouse of my own fear of being alone my dream of a lasting family, and out of pitty for her at times. i know  shes ill and may never get better. i undrstand all this much better these days.

what im not sure of is why the dream of her coming back still runs wide in my head. why cant i just give up on it? i tell myself its becouse of the BPD r/s and the impact it had on me but i dont feel im hurt that bad by the things i lived with.

at times i feel im useing the BPD r/s as a reason to not get over this, im not really sure about that?

at what point do we or should we ever just look at it as a break and let things go?

[2fastforU]

I broke up with them once. they broke up with me once- it hurt when they broke up with me BUT they were childish, insulted me yelled at me degraded me... .threatened me with deadlines. Threw tantrums even though they were leaving.   When i broke with her I was respectful and loving and as nice as possible.

These people are messed up and have no remorse like normal people- She never even acknowledges that she did anything wrong. Thats why I broke things off in the first place- but i didnt know about BPD and gave it another try... .yikes!

[Clearmind]

Whenever I lamented about my ex I turned the focus on the why? What is it about me that wants that in my life?

How are you going about turning the focus on your own history/family of origin? Its sometimes easier in the short term to pick up the magnifying glass on our ex's rather than pick up the mirror.

[2fastforU]

Ive done plenty of self reflection clearmind. I think your missing the point. With these type x's we will admit fault or work through problems, even offer therapy to work through it. These people with BPD- reverse everything onto you. You cant even get them to admit they hurt you. Basically the person walks away without any remorse. My ex used to say "were not meant to be together" then wonder why all her relationships were 6 months long.

Not only does the insensitivity hurt- but it takes all your dignity with it.  IN FACT-BPD people yell and scream with such conviction you start to loose yourself until you dont know what you see in the mirror.

You can only be responsible for 50% of the relationship

[Clearmind]

2fastforU, my response was to simply!   I have been where you are trust me. So no not missing the point at all.

Our pain has little to do with our ex's - a person with good self worth does not allow another to affect their standing and they wouldn't stay in the relationship to begin with. Work on self worth and you detach without blame.

The answers need to come from within and let go of their behavior - its not ours own.

You can only be responsible for 50% of the relationship

We can only control our part!

hit

How are you going today Simply?

[fromheeltoheal]

A friend of mine says "It isn't that you miss your borderline, it's that you miss how alive you felt when you were with her."  Absolutely true in my case; my BPD was a lot of things, but she was never boring, chaos is never boring, and I felt more alive than I'd felt in a long, long time with her.  It's natural to shrink into ourselves if we have unresolved issues, and numbing out is just a defense mechanism.  She awakened me to strong feelings again, good and bad, and the good news is it was a great reminder and I want that, am willing to go to any lengths to get that, and a healthy gal and I are going to build a stellar life together, I just have a little work to do first, and it just keeps getting better.  Thanks BPD.