why do I want this person back? is it voodoo? HELP

[2fastforU]

this girl is hot young and FFFFFFFin crazy. I broke up with her once. After 9 months I saw how good she looked on facebook and asked her out again(duumb). Dated another 6 months. I didnt know about BPD. There were major warning flags- i could tell she had no remorse for the people she dated. I couldnt believe she was such as ass-maybe we are taught to see the best in people.  She constantly yelled at me- and barked snap judgements. I was GREAT to her, lavish presents on xmas-valentines day-while I would get a tshirt as a present in return, and in the wrong size . These people are hard to keep happy. Then she goes and lines up other guys and threatens me with them, "other guys wanna date me" i was like good goahead! I backed away and disconnected instead of a clean break- this girl ripped me a new one. Insults daily about my job, threats to leave, screaming at me.

Something happened-when she actually left as i expected. It hurt anyway:and ripped me open. I feel my brain is playing tricks on me. OR that the consistent yelling from these people make you question your self judgement. I pushed this girl away hard... .so i dont think she will come back... .but im gonna try... .i bought a halmark card... .i cant stop myself!  Im good with women I dont need the drama- but i cant help it

HELP! I feel like im addicted to crack or something ! This makes NO sence

[simplyasiam]

it becomes like a drug, try kicking it after 6 six years and rasing kids with her

[Clearmind]

2fastforU, hot looking does not equate to compatibility.

It is tempting however we can never make another person happy - they need to do that for themselves.

It will make more sense in time - the more you post. In time you will begin to realize that there is nothing you could have done to help a person who doesn't want to be saved and we figure out the reasons why we tried to save in the first place.

Its the roller coaster of ups and downs, the drama, that is addictive not the person.

[2fastforU]

good point: i didnt know about BPD. So i didnt know she had to be saved or how to treat her. There were some great times-but maybe the question is when these red flags go off... .do you

1.accept them for who they are and decide to bail on the relationship?

2. tell them and say its unnacceptable

3. say it hurts you?

[Clearmind]

Good questions back at ya!

How many red flags need to go off before you call time? Some red flags are:

1. deal breakers

2. while they hurt are workable

3. break trust in a relationship

4. negotiable

5. Are a reaction as a direct result of our own conditioning - therefore we need to process it

Much of the red flags in my relationships were deal breakers for sure! Cheating, swearing, blaming, accusations, disappearing, yelling, control ----> I didn't call time on the relationship because I blamed myself for the way he treated me... .this is something I need to process.

[Ironmanrises]

Because you are placing greater weight on the idealization... .

Then on the devaluation.

I too ignored many red flags.

In fact... .

In round 2 of relationship... .

I let her back in knowing she had this disorder... .

And knowing... .

She was going to leave me again.

Says a lot about my self worth... .

Or lack of.

[bpdspell]

2fastforU,

It's not VooDoo.

The BPD dance is a toxic bond that requires two to tango. Like Clearmind stated being hot does not = compatibility. My ex was "model" attractive and super hot as well.  But on the inside damage goods and coo coo for cocoa puffs.

We had amazing sexual chemistry and the endorphin chasing was the race of my life.

Why do you want this person back? A big part is chasing the proverbial carrot of idealization. It's the early stages of feeling like a God. You're love bombed, and told you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, and over sexed wild crazy and believing you're the luckiest man/woman on earth...

... .And then you're dropped on your head like a head of cabbage hitting the floor.

So let's recalibrate.

What do you really want?

Read as much as you can about BPD. Read the articles on here. They are extremely helpful.

And then... .

If you still want her back well you'll have to accept ALL of who she's showing you to be. Not just the parts you like and there's no negotiating this. That amazing sexual chemistry, and superficial hotness that draws many of us in usually comes with the lowest pits of living in hell so ask yourself if she's worth it. Hell. Is this something you want to do to yourself?

When we're reeled in it's difficult to dismantle the fantasy of who we wish they were and who they actually are.

Again. What do you want?

Spell

[Emelie Emelie]

2fastforU, hot looking does not equate to compatibility.

It is tempting however we can never make another person happy - they need to do that for themselves.

It will make more sense in time - the more you post. In time you will begin to realize that there is nothing you could have done to help a person who doesn't want to be saved and we figure out the reasons why we tried to save in the first place.

Its the roller coaster of ups and downs, the drama, that is addictive not the person.

This has come up before.  That the drama is addictive.  I think about that but have a hard time getting my head around it. 

[GreenMango]

2Fast your post had me rolling.  I'm so sorry I know its not funny and so wish a hallmark card could fix this.

And you are right they can be hard to please. 

Welcome to bpdfamily.