So I saw her on TV... and it was fine

[NiceGuy83]

I figure this warrants a new thread.

Yesterday I asked what I should expect from watching my uBPDexgf on TV today.  Understandably, I was nervous, and so a lot of the advice was to not put myself through it.  But actually, it was fine.

I found myself willing her to do well (it was a quiz show) even though I knew already she hadn't (it was filmed before we went completely NC).  I laughed when she made jokes, and genuinely smiled to see her and hear her.  But I didn't want her back.

Interestingly, when talking about herself, she lied about her job title, where she lived, and her accomplishments, all to make herself sound more impressive.  I just rolled my eyes and thought it was typical behaviour. 

Yes, I still think she's beautiful and funny, and I can see why I was so attracted to her... .she's very attractive in the way she comes across.  But I could compartmentalise that, and also remind myself that she's incapable of healthy relationships, that her children were taken off her, and that she has a history of infidelity and lying. 

I actually found this really helpful, and my initial reaction is that I don't love her anymore... .but I also don't hate her anymore.  She's just someone I used to know.  I hope she gets as well as she can, and I hope she finds some equilibrium in her life, but I feel more confident that I can find my own happiness without her.

Here's hoping my mood stays that way! 

[heartandwhole]

I feel more confident that I can find my own happiness without her.

  NiceGuy83, I'm happy for you!

[doubleAries]

I've kind of gone through something similar myself recently. I does feel pretty good, doesn't it? 

Since then, I've experienced a whole bunch of other perspectives on the relationship as well--some that felt like great progress and some not so comfortable (but perhaps still progress).

[Learning_curve74]

Happy for you, niceguy83!   

It can sometimes be nice to have more evidence confirming that our BPDexes are still up to their usual tricks such as lying. That is on her.

"She's just someone I used to know." 

[huhhuh]

I read your post yesterday (or the day before yesterday) And I'm surprised you are taking it so cool. I wouldn't be able to do that. So I'm happy for you that it doesn't bother you. But be careful. Sometimes a reaction can be delayed.

[Clearmind]

Could not have come off better Niceguy! Well done - I agree that compartmenalizing rather than seeing it all as black and white is really helpful. They can be good people/funny/attractive however we cannot have a relationship with them.

Good observation and welcome back to earth! What do you think shifted in you?

[Learning2Thrive]

YAY for you NiceGuy!  That's awesome.

Somebody that you used to know.  I love that. 

Funny... .when things had gotten bad and I knew I wasn't going to be able to take much more (it was about a week before I changed my phone number), I changed her name in my cell phone to "Somebody that you used to know".  I have call announce activated... .so when she would call, it would announce as "Somebody that you used to know is calling."  That brought a little humor to the situation and maybe in a sort of twisted way started preparing me for the NC.

BTW... .are you familiar with the Gotye song, "Somebody that I used to Know?" For those that are curious:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

Interesting to consider... .

[NiceGuy83]

huhhuh, I'm surprised too.  My posts yesterday were something of a stream of consciousness, and I was certainly worried about what my reaction might be!  Frankly, my life is pretty stressful at the moment, and the added stress was pushing me into that unhealthy territory of anxiety/rumination, etc. 

Interestingly, since posting this earlier today, following watching the show, I haven't ruminated or worried.  It was like a weight being lifted.  I'm watching out for a delayed reaction too; I know that the recovery process can give us highs followed by lows.  But all in all I'm pleased that my initial reaction legitimately wasn't anything unhealthy.

Clearmind, I think the shift was simply actually seeing her and realising that the fears I had about what my reaction might be were hollow.  I think I'd built up my expectation, because in my mind I'd given her too much power.  I was, frankly, afraid of her.  Watching her made me realise I was giving her too much credit.  Yes, she *had* the capacity to hurt me very badly, and did so.  She probably still has the capacity, but not if I'm not engaging with her.  Otherwise she's just, well, someone I can still see a lot of good qualities in, but also now know about the bad ones, and know I'm better off well out of it.

Learning2Thrive, yes, I know the song.  It spoke to me a lot when the break-up was raw.  Still does, but in a more positive way.  I prefer the cover by Noah Guthrie and Christina Gimmel, which is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmTUo7MvHY  Two great musicians, amazingly not major names in their own right (a temporary situation, I hope). 

[Clearmind]

Clearmind, I think the shift was simply actually seeing her and realising that the fears I had about what my reaction might be were hollow.  I think I'd built up my expectation, because in my mind I'd given her too much power.  I was, frankly, afraid of her.  Watching her made me realise I was giving her too much credit.  Yes, she *had* the capacity to hurt me very badly, and did so.  She probably still has the capacity, but not if I'm not engaging with her.  Otherwise she's just, well, someone I can still see a lot of good qualities in, but also now know about the bad ones, and know I'm better off well out of it.

Very interesting NiceGuy – I have never been a fan of No Contact – never did with my ex. This shows that we do need contact to test our own boundaries and limits and guage where we are in our healing. This looks like this contact has been a breath of fresh air for you and your reaction to seeing her has given you back personal power.

You should be very proud of yourself NiceGuy – very mature!

[NiceGuy83]

This shows that we do need contact to test our own boundaries and limits and guage where we are in our healing.]This shows that we do need contact to test our own boundaries and limits and guage where we are in our healing.

I'm not sure I'd go that far.  This was me watching my ex interact with others.  It wasn't me interacting with her.  

Certainly, when the breakup was raw, any contact was extremely fraught.  I did my best not to guilt-trip her, but there would have been elements that came through, I'm sure.  It was certainly frustrating for me, and painful, at every stage, and I would find myself over-analysing every word, and wondering when the next contact would come, and how.  Going NC was necessary for me, to protect myself.  I had to learn to validate myself, and not look to my ex to keep doing it.  

However, I do think that as the NC stretched out further and further, I found myself sometimes only remembering the good things, and missing her, and sometimes only remembering the bad things, and fearing or hating her.  Seeing her interact with others allowed me to remember that she is always both; the funny, pretty, intelligent girl, and also the inveterate liar and manipulator.  This is what I needed to remember, and I'm not sure personal contact would have allowed this; I would likely have seen only one side or the other again.

In addition, I have to say, I see no POINT in any personal contact with her.  She can't give me validation, and I musn't look for it from her.  She can't be relied upon as a friend to not do or say hurtful things, so why would I engage with her.  She's a firework - pretty but dangerous to handle.  I'd rather not pick her up again

[Learning2Thrive]

Learning2Thrive, yes, I know the song.  It spoke to me a lot when the break-up was raw.  Still does, but in a more positive way.  I prefer the cover by Noah Guthrie and Christina Gimmel, which is here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmmTUo7MvHY  Two great musicians, amazingly not major names in their own right (a temporary situation, I hope). 

NiceGuy, thanks for sharing that cover!  I enjoyed listening to it.  :-)