Ok this week, I need some support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok... .

I've bumped into my ex twice in the space of a few weeks. The first time was unexpected, on a train, she looked all huddled up trying not to look at me, i turned my back that was fine. I felt fine.

I saw her a second time. Basically we had bought concert tickets together, she refused to give me mine after the break up, so i thought F you, I'm going got my own tickets, and bumped into her after the event. That was fine, I smiled at her mother and she did the "I can't see you routine"... .

Overall my detatchment is going well. I have learnt lots about myself, resolved family disfunctions, and am doing things for me. Playing sport again, and meditating regularly. Getting myself into a bit of Buddhism.

ANYWAY, this week is her birthday. It's her big 30th, and my god today and yesterday she has been on my mind constantly. I want to reach out to her but can't as the last contact we had she advised me she has spoken to the police about me "harassing" her... .

How can I process this? I still care, still have some love etc.

[Undone123]

Ok... .

I've bumped into my ex twice in the space of a few weeks. The first time was unexpected, on a train, she looked all huddled up trying not to look at me, i turned my back that was fine. I felt fine.

I saw her a second time. Basically we had bought concert tickets together, she refused to give me mine after the break up, so i thought F you, I'm going got my own tickets, and bumped into her after the event. That was fine, I smiled at her mother and she did the "I can't see you routine"... .

Overall my detatchment is going well. I have learnt lots about myself, resolved family disfunctions, and am doing things for me. Playing sport again, and meditating regularly. Getting myself into a bit of Buddhism.

ANYWAY, this week is her birthday. It's her big 30th, and my god today and yesterday she has been on my mind constantly. I want to reach out to her but can't as the last contact we had she advised me she has spoken to the police about me "harassing" her... .

How can I process this? I still care, still have some love etc.

[Learning_curve74]

Undone123, good job in getting through those two instances of seeing your BPDex. 

As far as her birthday goes you can think about it like this. Many BPD behaviors are similar to drug addict behaviors. And like addicts, I believe many have to hit "rock bottom" before they are willing to reach out for help. To give her some comfort on her birthday is actually getting in the way of her hitting rock bottom and delaying the chance she might look for help.

Not everybody will agree with me, but that's what I believe. It is more loving to be detached rather than being in contact and enabling.

[Clearmind]

You know Undone, I felt the same about my ex’s first birthday after we separated. Then I started to think about Birthdays and how they are special to me and my friends – as I no longer classified my ex as even being friend material I let it go.

Any ideas what the hook may still be with her?

Do something nice for you this week.

[bpdspell]

Birthdays can be triggering in terms of cherished memories but it's just a day and you'll make it through. Instead of ruminating or feeding into obsessive thoughts you can be proactive and plan a day for you to do something you always wanted to do.

Or you can work out, go to the movies, visit a bookstore, cook dinner for a friend, visit with family, clean your apartment... .donate old clothes, volunteer... .you get my drift.

I think meditating is great but how are you dealing with the emotional side of the loss? Are you grieving, seeing a therapist? How are you releasing the toxic stress of what you've come through?

Bumping into them will be triggering but it helps to remember the reality of the relationship you once shared with this person. The idealization is a powerful memory addiction but don't forget the ugly stuff and all the crap stuff that happened as your relationship unraveled... .

Missing someone you love and care for makes you human... .but reaching out will not change the fact that your ex isn't emotionally healthy.

Spell

[Undone123]

Thanks for the guidance... .

Learning_Curve I completely agree, thank you for putting that spin on it.

Clearmind, I know why this is so hard - This is worse than seeing her, in fact seeing her was completely fine. I am finding this tough because I was planning to take her to NYC for her birthday, and it was the little trips that were absolutely perfect. When she was "perfect"... .Now obviously I know she is not perfect, and the relationship was unhealthy, but those times away where amazing for us. So it's the "what could have been?".

Spell, I've seen a counsellor which has helped. Read about radical acceptance, and have written letters of forgiveness. I certainly don't feel any animosity towards her. I feel generally detatched, but this week has dysregulated my emotions.

Thank you

[Undone123]

right tonight is really tough, and I can't identify why... .

[Century2012]

We all feel sorrow when we are reminded of a person we once cared about. Whether they are BPD or not.

No, don't make any contact. It will just open the door. Either she will reply and some of those lovey dovey feelings for her will resurface. Or she won't and then you will obsess about that.

As a chick, I say get a bottle of wine and some tissues. Okay. I know we are not supposed to encourage unhealthy behavior here. But I do suggest doing something that helps your grieve. I have found that if I hold my pain is side it festers. If I let it out, it dissipates.

Then go do something that stirs up your endorphins. A good hard run. Couple hours at the gym.

[Century2012]

P.S.

I moved a couple weeks ago. And uncovered a hand made birthday card my exBPD had made for me. Yep, got a little weepy that day.

And then I remembered the times I was unhappy. Mine drank alot. I have my life back now. I miss how much he loved me. And still long for the emotional intimacy we shared. But I need stability in my life.

There is always a period of recovery from any relationship.

[Undone123]

I made it! Yesterday I exercised and then went out and got really drunk with some friends (I know not healthy)... .but was nice to have some fun with friends. This week I plan to get back to the healthy lifestyle and concentration on self

[Century2012]

Good for you. A "Big Bang Theory" marathon is good too.